Thank you to DG and Crew for the next two character ideas.
Dear SiriousB1,
Everyone says that I'm a weakling. Not only does this lower my self-esteem, but my ego as well. And it's all because it's true! Everyone hates me, I always lose at fights and this school girl constantly rams my head into the ground with her foot of my staff. MY STAFF! The worst of it all is that this evil human girl named Erica voted me the winner of the Most Pathetic Person to Ever Be Seen on TV! How can I become strong so I can show everyone that I'm not as cowardly and weak as I appear to be?
Signed,
Toad-Like Creature Who is Not Gollum
Dear Toad-ish Thing,
It is my belief that you are not the Most Pathetic Person to Ever Be Seen on TV. Sure, you made runner-up in my book, but not number one. Oh, no! That slot was reserved for Frank "Ferret Face" Burns from M.A.S.H….but that's a different story! To become story, I suggest you lift weights. I hear that Tony Little's Gazelle Freestyle or whatever the hell that thing is gets good results, and that BOWFLEX is always a good choice. To become less cowardly and boost your self-esteem, they say that hypnosis really works.
Sincerely,
SiriousB1
Dear SiriousB1,
I need some serious help. There is this person; I think someone called her "DG" that is stalking me. At first I thought it was just some girl from my fan club, but the other day I saw her with a rather large and sharp looking machete in her hand. She was pointing it at me from across the hallway at school and now I'm really scared. This little, toad-like creature (who claims he is not Gollum, but refuses to give me his actual name) came to my home and comforted me saying he understood what it was like to have everyone hate you, but I don't believe him. I mean, nobody hates me! I have my own fan club, for goodness sakes! Anyway, do you know how I can get rid of this scary girl? It's getting worse! I heard her talking to these girls Erica and Brat and it appears me that they are all plotting my demise. Plus, there was this other girl with shoulder length hair, glasses (though I think she has contacts) and a shirt that says "I hear voices…And they don't like you" on it lurking outside my window with an elephant gun and a box of bullets. Help!
Signed,
Stunning School Boy
Dear School Boy,
I regret to inform you that the only way out of this mess is to kill yourself. Yes, you heard me right: suicide. For once, suicide is the answer. Your stalkers will hunt you down until you are dead, so you might as well get it over with the method of your choice.
Sincerely,
SiriousB1
P.S.
The one outside your window was me.
Dear SiriousB1,
Everyone says that I'm a weakling. Not only does this lower my self-esteem, but my ego as well. And it's all because it's true! Everyone hates me, I always lose at fights and this school girl constantly rams my head into the ground with her foot of my staff. MY STAFF! The worst of it all is that this evil human girl named Erica voted me the winner of the Most Pathetic Person to Ever Be Seen on TV! How can I become strong so I can show everyone that I'm not as cowardly and weak as I appear to be?
Signed,
Toad-Like Creature Who is Not Gollum
Dear Toad-ish Thing,
It is my belief that you are not the Most Pathetic Person to Ever Be Seen on TV. Sure, you made runner-up in my book, but not number one. Oh, no! That slot was reserved for Frank "Ferret Face" Burns from M.A.S.H….but that's a different story! To become story, I suggest you lift weights. I hear that Tony Little's Gazelle Freestyle or whatever the hell that thing is gets good results, and that BOWFLEX is always a good choice. To become less cowardly and boost your self-esteem, they say that hypnosis really works.
Sincerely,
SiriousB1
Dear SiriousB1,
I need some serious help. There is this person; I think someone called her "DG" that is stalking me. At first I thought it was just some girl from my fan club, but the other day I saw her with a rather large and sharp looking machete in her hand. She was pointing it at me from across the hallway at school and now I'm really scared. This little, toad-like creature (who claims he is not Gollum, but refuses to give me his actual name) came to my home and comforted me saying he understood what it was like to have everyone hate you, but I don't believe him. I mean, nobody hates me! I have my own fan club, for goodness sakes! Anyway, do you know how I can get rid of this scary girl? It's getting worse! I heard her talking to these girls Erica and Brat and it appears me that they are all plotting my demise. Plus, there was this other girl with shoulder length hair, glasses (though I think she has contacts) and a shirt that says "I hear voices…And they don't like you" on it lurking outside my window with an elephant gun and a box of bullets. Help!
Signed,
Stunning School Boy
Dear School Boy,
I regret to inform you that the only way out of this mess is to kill yourself. Yes, you heard me right: suicide. For once, suicide is the answer. Your stalkers will hunt you down until you are dead, so you might as well get it over with the method of your choice.
Sincerely,
SiriousB1
P.S.
The one outside your window was me.