BO Studios claims no ownership of any characters portrayed herein.

...Except for Mungo.

-Link, thrilled to have his brand-spanking-new brush, begins immediately scrubbing the whole damn boat. Even inside. And in Tetra's cabin.

Squee the Cabin Boy: Hey! You can't go in there! Out out out!!!

Link: ...What boat is this, the Weatherlight? Bite me and go back to your world.

Squee: ...Okay. bites Link and vanishes

Link: AH! HE BIT ME! THAT STUPID GOBLIN BIT ME!

Tetra: WHAT THE CRAP ARE YOU DOING IN MY CABIN?!

Link: Uh... makin' it sparkle? closes Tetra's dresser drawers with his foot

Tetra: Why were you scrubbing my underwear?

Link: Um... cuz it smelled funny... oh crap...

-On deck

Gonzo: Say, Niko, you hear that?

Niko: Yep... whad'ya s'pose it is?

Gonzo: Dunno. Link went down there a while ago to clean... he probably started cleaning the Captain's cabin.

Niko: Probably smellin' her underoos...

Tetra: throws Link to jardines DON'T YOU EVER GO IN MY CABIN AGAIN! EVER!!!

Link: sniff sniff Eeugh! Poopoo holes!

Tetra: kicks Link's head Fucktard!

-The next morning, Tetra emerges from the depths of the ship and is instantly blinded by sunlight being reflected off the just-waxed deck.

Tetra: AAUAUUGH! MY EYES! slips and falls on her bum

Link: skates over in his socks Neat, huh? I found this big barrel of wax buried in the hold, so I decided to use it! spins and skates away

Gonzo: skates up in his socks as well Come on, Miss Tetra! It's fun! skates away and falls over the gunwale AAAUGH ::splash::

Tetra: removes shoes Great, we're the stupid sockskate pirates. Way to go, you damn dumb swabbie!

Link: Hey! That's uncalled for! (aside: And so is this!) You cheeky, chesty chick!

Tetra: blushing

Link: Hee hee hee! I been practicing!

Tetra: Maybe you can practice even more when you're being DRAGGED BEHIND THE SHIP AS BAIT!

Link: Aww nerts...

-Later

Link: missing some toes; but no worries, they might grow back You all suck. You used me to catch supper.

Gonzo: Aww come on, we all have to do that at least once.

Nerdo: Yeah, why do you think most of us have no feet?

Niko: sobs It's true, it's true! Say, pass the dorsal fin.

Tetra: eating the meat off the shark's jaws as if it were ribs Get it yourself.

Link: copying Tetra, puts his ankles on the table

all: gasp

Gonzo: What are you doing?!

Niko: Oh noes!

Nerdo: Quick, get your feet down before Miss Tetra gets the axpoon!

half ax, half harpoon (it hurts)

Link: pulls his feet away just in time to avoid the deadly swipe of the axpoon Eep...

Tetra: Only the Captain can do that, you dumb ass. Try it again and I'll aim higher up.

Link: Double eep...

-Later in the filthy, dirty crew cabin...

Gonzo: And this will be your hammock.

Link: It's got stains.

Gonzo: Well, none of them are perfect, but at least it's structurally sound. attempts to pat it, but instead puts his hand through it Oh...

Link: You killed it! ...Say, why can't I use this clean one? points to a rolled-up hammock in the closet

Gonzo: NOOOOOOO!!! grabs Link's wrist and pulls him away from it That is the cursed hammock of K'aman-Dûl.

Link: I don't believe in curses, and my Granny always says if you don't believe in something, it can't hurt you. touches the hammock

sandbag: thwunk

Link: crushed under a sandbag OH GOD THE PAIN!!!

Niko: helps pull Link out You're lucky indeed, my friend!

Link: I got gooshed! How is that lucky?! And I ain't yo' damn friend!

Gonzo: You are the first one to touch it and live. The guy who put it in there died shortly after of Ocean Madness. And diarrhea. Mostly the diarrhea.

Tetra: stomps on floor in her cabin, conveniently situated above theirs SHUT UP, YOU BUMS! YOU'LL DIE IF YOU WAKE ME UP AGAIN!

Link: HEY, SHUT UP! WE'RE TRYING TO SLEEP DOWN HERE!

Tetra: OH, THAT IS IT! footstep sounds weapon sharpening sounds practice swing sounds

Gonzo: quietly Oh, way to go, smartypants!

Nerdo: also quietly Now we're all screwed!

Link: also also quietly Oh shush. Mind you, I've fought and won against Ganondorf, and he was much more of a threat that Tetra!

Niko: ditto Yeah, but that was when you had a sword.

Link: ...

all: ...

all: ...WE'RE DOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!

Tetra: kicks door down (ululating) LALALALALALALALALALALALALALA!

-And the bloodbath ensues.

-...

-...

-...and keeps going well into the day.

-Luckily, Link had a shitload of fairies on hand.

Link: pretending to be dead ...I think she's gone.

All: get up You're an asshole, Link.

Link: Well, hey, maybe I could've just let you all rot. Fairies ain't easy to catch.

Gonzo: Yes they are. catches a fairy in a bottle

Fairy: La lala la-la... hits bottle wall Oh? Wha... wha-... figures it out NOOOO! UUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! WAAAAAAAUGH! HYAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!

Gonzo: See?

Fairy: WHY?! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!

Gonzo: Hey, shut up! taps bottle vigorously with a pencil

Fairy: clutching ears AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

Link: Hey, don't do that!

Gonzo: Why not, weenie?

Link: ...Because.

Gonzo: Because why?

Link: ...

Link: ...because SHUT UP.

Tetra: ALL YOU SHUT UP! YOU KEPT ME UP ALL FREAKIN' NIGHT!

Link: NO, YOU DID THAT, YOU DAMN DUMB DONKEYHUMPER!

-To be continued...