Mungo and Mr. Cactus are the only characters we own, so shaddap. It's not like we even pretend to own any other characters.

Authors' note: (Words in parentheses, like these, represent a character's inner thoughts.)

Link: after makin' the boat shine again Huzzah, I'm not a stupid swabbie no mo'! Niko, get me a coffee and make it quick, you boob!

Niko: We ain' got no coffee, twerp!

Link: gasp How dare you insult a superior! punishes Niko with a cactus wearing a mustache and a monacle

Mr. Cactus: Oh, I say! Put me down, you horrible brute!

Tetra: HEY! Put down that cactus! It's enchanted! And indestructible!

Link: ...But why do I have to put it down if it's indestructible?

Tetra: It belonged to my mother...

Mr. Cactus: put down Oh, thank you. talking quietly to Tetra After much research, I have found conclusive evidence of a great treasure hidden under Windfall Island...

Tetra: ...Good, good...

Mr. Cactus: ...although it may require some frighteningly extensive digging.

Tetra: Hmm... I have an idea.

-Much later, now on Windfall Island

Link: Whee! I'm gonna get wasted!

Gonzo: Well, even though you're underage, you're a pirate now, so it's entirely okay.

Link: Yay!

Tetra: Ok, boys, have a good time! quietly, to herself ...because you'll be digging for weeks, my pretties!

Link: listening HA! I KNEW IT! You dig my stuff!

Teta: Eh?

Link: You want this, don't ya? taking off his shirt

Tetra: Grrr...

Link: Yeah, you want this iron-hard four-pack, don't ya? slaps belly

Tetra: Hold that pose...

Link: (Heck yeah, I'm getting laid!)

Tetra: hurls Timmies at Link

Authors' note: is the name we've given to those little black spiky things with the eyes that look at you and slow you down when you run. They're named after Orpus' little dumb kitty, Timmy, because he's spiky and black and looks at everything like he's never seen it before. He's special. You know, special.

Link: WAUGH! THEY'RE POKING ME! OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW!

Mr. Cactus: Oh, dear me! I'll save you, my lad! douses himself in lemon juice and wrestles around on Link, thus getting the Timmies off, yet stabbing him in various places with his lemon juice-laced spines What-ho, you rambunctious pricklepears!

Link: Oh gods, the pain!

-The next day

Link: Get away from me with that, you evil, alien-eyed creep organism!

Joy Teacher Lady (from now on, JTL): Hold still, you don't want an infection, do you?

Link: Then don't use iodine. It stings...

JTL: Well, then what should I use, hmm?

Link: Scotch, please.

JTL: Whiskey okay?

Link: Yeah, I guess...

Gonzo: Hey Link, we need you out here again.

Link: Why?

Gonzo: Well, we found a very narrow tunnel while digging and you're the only one who's small enough to fit.

Link: Make Niko do it.

Gonzo: We already tried. His head got stuck and we had to find three pounds of butter before it would come out.

Link: Oh, fine...

-At the tunnel

Link: I ain't goin' in there.

Tetra: leans over to Link's ear Pswswswswsw.

Link: R-really?

Tetra: Suuuuure.

Link: salutes Yes, ma'am! shoots into hole

Gonzo: What'd you tell him?

Tetra: I told him I'd show him what girls look like.

Gonzo: !?! MISS TETRA, NO! That's indecent.

Tetra: Are you looking at me?

Gonzo: ...Yes, why?

Tetra: I'm a girl. This is what I look like. Get it?

Gonzo: Ah, genius!

Niko: Huh? I thought you were just a guy with a girly-type face!

Tetra: That's because you're a degenerate, impure beaver-man with squid stroganoff for brains.

Niko: And how!

-In the tunnel

Link: Freaking rats! Shoo, shoo!

rat: squeak squeak runs away

Link: Bingo! yells backward Hey, I found it!

tentacle thing: grabs Link bleargh

Link: Aaagh! Help help! It's a Cthulhu! It'll eat us all!

Tetra: from far away What? We're coming, Link! We used a bomb to enlarge the hole!

Link: Oh, now they think of that... hey! Get off, you stupid tentaklor! Get off or I'll scream rape!

tentacle thing: gyarble
Link: That's it! RAPE! RAPE!

Tetra: cuts tentacle Why couldn't you have just done that?

tentacle stump: cursessss! foiled againnnn! retreats

Link: Well, um... because.

Tetra: Because what?

Link: Because shut up.

Niko: WOW! Look at the size of that rupee!

Tetra: sparkly girly eyes It... it's so beautiful...

Link: looks at giant rupee It's fake.

all: WHA-

Link: It's made of glass. See the crack?

Tetra: crying silently

Link: See, it's got something in it, too. breaks giant rupee with hammer Hey, a key!

Tetra: GIMME GIMME GIMME! takes key But what's it for?

Link: I dunno... s'pose it's for that big keyhole over there.

Mr. Cactus: Of course! That's where the treasure is!

Gonzo: I wonder what it is...

Nerdo: Gold!

Link: Diamonds!

Mungo: Corn!

Niko: Silver!

Tetra: smacks Niko It's a positive progression, moron! Silver comes before gold, not after!

Mungo: Potatoes!

Mr. Cactus: Well, by all means, let's find out! unlocks giant door

door: rumble rumble creeeeeeeeeeeeeak

Mungo: Bagpipes?

Tetra: Oh gods, it's... it's...

Gonzo: I don't believe it!

Niko: ...More than I've ever seen at one time!

Link: What the crap! It's just a bunch of pictographs!

Mr. Cactus: looking at pictographs Yes... pictographs of various people around Hyrule in a wide range of illicit activities! Why, here's the postman opening a letter addressed to someone else!

Link: I knew it! He took my birthday money!

Tetra: Blackmail time, everybody! Grab as many pictographs as you can and haul them to the ship!

Link: holding a stack of several hundred Then what?

Tetra: You'll get to sort them, Link.

Link: What?! Why me?

Tetra: Because you're the only one who knows who all these people are!

-Later

Link: sorting pictographs Postman... chieftain... Tingle... Lenzo... Orca... WHOA!

Mr. Cactus: What is it, my boy?

Link: It's Lenzo, but he's all... young. Hey, I know that place! That's Outset!

Mr. Cactus: And who is that lovely lass he has there?

Link: I recognize the hair! That's my gramma! OH MY GOD...

Tetra: What's all the yelling for, yo?

Link: THE PICTOGRAPH GUY IS MY GRAMPA!

Chorus: Dun dun dunnnnnnnnn!

Tetra: Not you again! fetches axpoon

-To be continued!