The next day Harry was far from being off to a good start. It began at breakfast.
"Oh Dobby." He said to the meek little elf. "I asked for tea not coco."
Dobby looked into the cup and sure enough he had mixed up the order. "Dobby apologizes for his mistake." Whack! A chair slammed into Harry's back.
"DOBBY?! What the heck did you do that for!"
"Dobby realizes that his masochistic tendencies go back to Doby's troubled childhood. Dobby's therapist advises Dobby to express himself without 'self-mutilation'." He explained calmly.
"Oh and Dobby forgot to make Potter's bed this morning."
"No! No! That's okay really!" Whack!
With a hopeful smile the little guy added, "At the end of Doby's twelve step program he will be able to speak of himself in the first person."
Later Harry was sitting in his first class of the day doodling the word Tonks inside elaborate hearts when he was snapped back to reality by Vader's booming voice.
"You are a member of Dumbledore's Army are you not?" Thankfully he was addressing another student.
"Yep I'm a Dumb A and proud of it. Why?"
"You are a part of the rebel alliance and a traitor! Fifty points from Hufflepuff. Now for twenty points, name a target a military target. Then name the system."
"Did we cover that?"
"You have failed me for the last time." Vader said slowly raising his hand.
Harry went back to his doodles. He would have preferred to do a portrait but he had no idea what she looked like. Suddenly a shadow fell over him and he looked up to see that Vader had shifted his attention to the boy who lived and is living and is going to live until he lives no more.
Harry, not knowing what to do or say just sat there terrified. "kuuuhhh puuuhhh" Was all that came from the Dark Lord. "kuuuhhh puuuhhh" The teacher reached for something under his cape.
"A wand?" Harry thought. "A futuristic weapon of some sort."
"kuuuhhh puuuhhh" The man's hand emerged with something clutched in his fist. He shook it as one might shake an orange juice. Then he raised it to his face, took a deep breath and held it for a few seconds. "Ah that's better." He said. "Damn asthma. The force is strong with you. Tell me have you considered becoming Slytherin?"
"Uh."
"COME with me!" Vader slammed one hand on Harry's desk and shook his fist in the boy's face. "Together we will rule the universe as master and apprentice."
"Something tells me this day isn't going to get any better." Was Harry's last coherent thought before fainting dead away.
"Woe is me." Harry moaned as he leaned against a wall outside the infirmary.
"Hey!" Came a voice from behind. "No you're not. I'm Woe, Cho's brother."
"Oh. Sorry." Harry apologized to the now retreating form.
"Something wrong Harry?"
"Professor Dumbledore. No it's nothing." Dumbledore approached him from the other end of the hall holding a can of what Harry could only guess was Ensure.
"Come now, Harry, you can't fool this old man. I should think I know by now when something's troubling you." Good old Dumbledore. He always knew what to say and when to say it.
"It's just I don't really know where I belong any more. Yesterday at the sorting I thought to myself 'I'd kick the puppy if it were in my way.' But ultimately it would be more satisfying to stick it up a tree and play the hero.' You see? How do I know who I am and who my friends are?"
Dumbledore placed a reassuring hand on Harry's shoulder and with that trademark twinkle in his eye said, "Love Harry. Love is what binds and protects you and your friends. And it is their love for you and your love for them that... Fiddlesticks. It would appear I've wet myself. When nine hundred years old you reach hold your liquor you will not. Mmm." Hum maybe that wasn't Ensure.
"Sorry. Late for my next class. Got to go. Bye." Harry sputtered desperate to get out of that situation.
"Good luck Harry. I hear Hagrid has something extra special planned for you today."
Just as Harry reached a landing on the moving staircases Margaret Thatcher came bounding down from above. Literally she was bounding down like an avalanche. And that, ladies and gents, was how Harry Potter 'Boy Who Lived' knew that this was not a former leader of the free world but his own true love.
"Ahhh Tonks." Harry thought. It seemed as if the whole world slowed down and music played in his head as she came tumbling head over heals. "You're just to good to be true." Bump. "Can't take my eyes off of you." Bump. Bump. "You'd be like heaven to touch." He stretched out his arms in anticipation of the moment when her fall would be safely broken by his muscular form. Bump "I wanna hold you so much."
The staircase shifted and she flew right past him, through the doors, and down the hall. "Oh bother." Harry said as he went to fetch her.
"Alright, Tonks?"
"Wotcher, Harry. I'm fine. 'Ere, they used to have a special elevator just for me. Wonder where it's got to."
"What are you doing here... like that?"
"It's a fan fic, Harry, not canon. If I had a reason to be here it would be far too convenient. You know something like, 'you discover you're latent metamorph and only I can teach you how to use it'. Some rubbish like that. Anyway, 'ow's this story supposed to get on without me?"
"Good point."
"As for the get up, I'm undercover. Thought I'd keep a low profile."
"As Margaret Thatcher?"
"What's your point? Anyway Dumbledore wants to spy on you for your own protection and I'm the only one what can pull it off, giving us an opportunity to bond."
"Convenient."
"Yeah well... So where's your next class?" The lights went down again and the ominous music from the night before started up. "Oops. Gotta go." Dum dum da dum da da dum dum da dum. Vader was coming right this way. He stopped infront of Harry.
"If you will not join Slytherin," He said, "then perhaps... sister. Yes. You have a twin sister."
"Sure several." Harry jerked his head towards the Mary-Sues down the hall. "Pretty hard on my mum that was. Twenty seven hours in labor." He whistled.
Upon arriving late to his Care of Magical Creatures class outside, Harry noticed what all the other students had been speculating over for the past fifteen minutes. There appeared to be a large cage about half the size of the common room and it was covered in a purple velvet cloak. "Right then. Everyone present and accounted for?" Hagrid surveyed his class breifly. "Where's Malfoy? Come to that, where are all the Slytherins?"
"Don't think they're coming." Ron said. Privately he whispered to Hermione, "Those gits. They've never shown any respect for Hagrid. Now they're just not showing up at all."
"Well can't wait forever." Hagrid moved on. "An' I'm sure you're all diein' to know what's under that cloak." The students nodded eagerly. "Well here's a hint. It's a species recently discovered to have extraordinary properties." Hermione's curiosity became down right ravenous at that point. He paused for dramatic effect before walking over to the cage. "And now I'm pleased to present to you..." He whipped off the cloak. "The Egotistous Femaleious." The cage was full of beautiful exotic girls. "Commonly known as your house hold 'Mary-Sue'."
"Get-out!" One of the girls could be heard saying to another, "You dumped Legolas? But you two were like sooo made for each other!"
"I know. I just felt I had out grown the relationship."
"Humm. Sad."
"Totally. 'Sides he wanted me to like go to the Grey Havens with him."
"Shyaaa! Like that's gonna happen."
Hermione had her hand up in a second. "Yes?" Hagrid asked.
"I'm sorry Hagrid but I've read through all the texts and there is no mention of a Mary-Sue being of any use to the wizarding world."
"Ah well. Ere's been a few discoveries since em books have been written. Turns out, see, that you can mine the flecks of gold in 'eir eyes. Takes a couple thousand to get a single nugget but at's awright. They multiply like rabbits."
"How horrible! How inhumane!"
"Calm down now Hermione. They love using their unique abilities to make the ultimate sacrifice. Means they can be grieved n' mourned by their lovers. 'Sides they always come back like a bleedin phoenix."
"Or a cockroach for that matter." Ron muttered.
"That doesn't make it right. I'm surprised at you, Hagrid. How can you condone this..."
"Wow she's so passionate about this." One of the Sues spoke up. "It almost makes up for the water retention thing."
"Bring 'um to the slaughter." Hermione dead panned.
Hagrid opened the cage and lured one out with a Bratz Doll. "Right. Now, Ron, you first. Step up and bow."
"But, Hagrid!" Ron complained.
"Now now. I won't like to take points for this." Ron stepped up.
The girl strolled up to him with her hands behind her back and said, "Hiya! I'm Sapphire Sue. I just moved here from America and I'm looking for my long lost twin brother." He groaned and rolled his eyes.
"Right." Said Hagrid. "Now you must bow to 'er n' say, 'She speaks! Oh speak again bright angel for thou art as glorious to this night being o'er my head as a winged messenger of heaven unto the white unturned wandering eyes of mortals.'"
"Awe, Hagrid, do I have to?" Ron whined. Saphire Sue became visibly upset by his reaction and began to neigh and stamp the ground. Thinking quickly Hagrid jumped between the two and pulled out a hand full of lip gloss and diet sodas. He tossed them at Saphire Sue and she was quickly placated.
"Ayyy. Down girl. Doooown." It was too late. The other Sue's had begun rattling around and climbing the bars.
"Hermione," Hagrid called. "Would you get me that box of Avril Lavine CD's over there? This is going to take a bit of doing."