Harry was crossing the grounds on his way back to the castle when he heard a familiar voice.

"And for forty days and forty nights the fans did wander the net without food or sleep.

And among them they did commit great and terrible clichés with their Original Character's and their Out Of Character's and their lemons."

It was that author woman, Philosopher. She was sitting in a tree surrounded by a group of students wearing pink wigs and pink robes. Some were dancing around and shaking tambourines as though in a trance. The rest were lying on the ground like a picnic. The powerful sent of incense assaulted his nose, which seemed to be covering another odd sent. Although he was curious, Harry dared not come near.

"A second reading from the Fifth Book of Potter according to Ginny:

'But it is not good for a Tonks to be alone. And so, Rowling did  place her into a deep sleep and removed one rib from her side. And from that rib she begat Luna Lovegood. And this was good... Lovegood actually.'"

"Potter!" Another familiar voice came from behind. "If you insist on dawdling between classes then I must insist on taking fifty points for every minute you are late."

"Snape?" Harry replied. "I haven't seen you since the start of the year."

"Yes well I've been keeping a low profile." Mentally he added, "With all my illegitimate daughters from America running around this place, I've had to dodge a lot of law suites."

That's when the potions professor caught sight of the spectacle just past Harry. "Perhaps we should have Finch bring out his bucket. There's appears to be a problem with the Mary-Sewage."

Snape was about to walk off when he stopped and scarcely regarded Harry over his shoulder, "By the way," He clasped his hands in front of him. "You haven't seen any of the Slytherin House out here have you?"

"No. Come to think of it. They weren't at Hagrid's class this morning either."

"It's that Vader!" Snape hissed much the same way Jerry would say 'Newman' and vice versa. "He's been giving them a special 'extra credit' assignment during their regular classes. Some of them are never heard from again."

"Brother Malfoy," Philosopher was overheard saying, "I believe it's your turn to do the honor of handing out the Weird Sisters tee shirts?

"Brother Malfoy?!" Snape and Harry both yelled and spun around at the same time. Sure enough a closer inspection revealed mostly Slytherins under those wigs.

"Dear God, boy!" Snape charged up to Malfoy and grabbed him by the arm. "Think what your father would say."

"Awe my old man ain't with it, man." He answered shrugging off the heavy hand. "He's from another time, man. Are you diggin' me brother? Are you pickin' up what I'm puttin' down?"

 "But she's a..." The tall greasy man lowered his head as well as his voice. "She's a Sue."

"Tonks? Naaaaw, man! Just cause she purified our hearts like a shard of the Shikon Jewel, that don't make her a Sue!"

A few murmurs of "Solid." and "Right on." came from behind him.

Harry was looking the other boy over. "Draco you really have changed. You used to be such a git." He said. "Now you're a truly pathetic and frightening git."

The real Draco almost resurfaced long enough to punch Harry square in the nose. But alas Cult Draco managed to quell the storm inside.

"Peace, my misguided brother." The boy spread his arms wide. For a moment Harry was afraid the blonde was going to hug him. "Violence begets violence."

Arms still open, he pointed at himself with both hands and added, "And you don't want to 'begetting' none of this."

"Mmmm hm." Snape snapped his fingers three times in a zigzag pattern. "He straight up punked you."

"Brothers. Brothers please." Philosopher hopped down from the tree and intervened. "The good word of the Phoenix should never be used to condone random acts of OOC."

"Alright. Alright. I should apologize." Harry offered. "After all this is a Tonks cult and I can't really say I blame you."

Draco gave him a suspicious look. "Wut you talkin 'bout, Harry?"

"Well I do fancy her a bit." Suddenly Draco looked dejected.

"What?!" He yanked off the pink wig. "You-are-kidding me."

"What? What's the problem."

"What's the problem?! What-is-the-problem. I'll tell you what the problem is, Potty." He was now slipping back into character and pulling off the robes as well. "Think about it. She's already got the exotic hair and eyes not to mention a unique power. She's my never before mentioned cousin. Heck she's even your godfather's cousin for pity's sake! Your falling for her was the final straw. She is a Sue!"

In a sudden panic the crowd of cultists began running around and tearing at their robes all the while screaming things like, "I feel so disillusioned! Is there nothing sacred?"

"Come back!" Philosopher cried. "Do not despair! She is canon!" She gave up and dropped her shoulders. Sigh "And they did wail and beat their breasts."

Having had enough insanity for one day Harry started to hurry on to his next class. Just then a girl approached him. She had long strawberry blonde hair, ruby lips, and large boobies that were scarcely controlled by a form fitting top. "What is strawberry blonde anyway?" He thought. "Is that like blonde with seeds? I don't get it."

Harry didn't wish to make eye contact and not for just the normal reasons a boy doesn't make eye contact with a girl like that. It was one of the first things they learned in DADA. Looking a Mary-Sue in the eyes was like peering over the edge of the Grand Canyon. People tended to fall into them. "Hey I know. There should be a kiwi banana blonde."

"Oi." She said to him. "What's got into that lot?"

"Tonks?" Chancing a look at the eyes he confirmed his suspicions.

"No flecks of gold today?"

"Ah. Nah. You kidding me? You ever get a fleck of gold in your eye? It's rather painful. Once knew a fanfic writer, I did, tried to have one surgically implanted."

"Yeah? What happened?"

"'Er lids swelled shut."

"Dear Lord."

"Yeah. So anyway, don't worry 'bout sneaking in late to you're next class. Already showed up there as you and snuck out again."

"That's great thanks." They walked in silence for a while. Tonks had shifted back to her real face, the face that Harry preferred, the face that hid nothing of her true self, the face he suspected she only showed him, the face that looked a little like George Bush if he squinted eyes and tilted his head.

"Tonks."

"Yes, Harry."

"Ask you a question?"

"Don't you worry 'bout the asking. I'm the one what's got to answer, nay."

"Ha. That's true I guess."

"Well?"

"Oh right. The question. Um I just wanted to know why."

"Why what?"

Harry's cheeks flushed. They always flushed because it's annoying when people forget to flush. "Why are you so good to me?" They both stopped walking and turned to look each other in the eye. He was careful not to squint or tilt his head. She was puzzled. "I mean, I know you're supposed to protect me and all but, why do you go out of your way to help me?"

"Well Harry, I guess the truth is you see, it's simply because I lo..."

"Oh God." He thought. "Is she really going to say it?"

"Yes?" He prodded as she now appeared to be fascinated with her right shoe. Which was understandable because it was really quite a fascinating shoe. The rainbow laces were impeccable and the charms exquisite and don't get me started on the canvas. But I digress.

"I love helping you an-and I er I love... caring about you and..."

Harry clasped her hands in his own. "Yes? Yes? AND?"

"And the TWINS!"Fred and George jumped out of some bushes, with about thirty other kids, shaking red and gold pom-poms and dancing on either side of Tonks.

"I - love

Red heads who can flirt

Slytherins eating dirt

Gryphindor always wins"

"With the twins!" They all shouted.

George began waving a cowboy hat in the air and pretended to be riding a mechanical bull. At this several near by girls screamed and fainted, in a good way ;) . Harry fell down in shock like a badly drawn anime character.

Harry walked into the common room after his last class where he found Hermione reading in one of the overstuffed chairs by the fireplace.

Ron was seated in the other as he glanced helplessly between his one-armed Krum doll and an upside-down copy of "Voodoo For Complete Idiots". As Harry passed him by he helped the boy out by rotating the book. A look of sudden revelation lit up his best friends face. "Thanks, Mate!"

"Don't mention it." Harry wanted nothing better than to flop down on the couch but it was full so he sat cross-legged on the floor. "Criss-Cross applesauce." He mumbled under his breath. Dead useful the things they drill into your soft young head in kinder.

"Hermione," Said Ron. "this book is useless. I think I'll return it when you return yours."

"Why?" Harry asked Her. "What's wrong with yours."

"Oh nothing really. Just thought it was something else, you see. I'd bought it for my mum and dad. The cover said, 'When Your Daughter Turns Into A Witch'."

"Yeah?"

"Turns out it was a muggle parenting guide to teenage hormones."

The twins came in still holding pom-poms, bouncing to an imaginary beat, and humming. "um um um um um...with the twins.."

"Feh." Ron huffed. "Who reads books any more when there's fanfiction. Don't look at me like that, Mione. I've learned to use slang in Japanese. That's more useful then your lousy books."

"How could you possibly presume to back up that argument?"

"Baka onna."

"What?"

"Baka onna."

She squinted at him for a while. "If that's suppo.."

"Baka onna."

"Urh!" Hermione went back to reading. "Really."

"I don't know, Mione," Harry spoke up. "I kinda like those 'Harry-becomes-a-God-among-men' fics myself."

"Newsflash, Harry, you're the only one who does." She shot without looking up.

"God Among Men?" Ron asked arching one eyebrow. He never arched both. Red hair and two arches would surely be mistaken for a Micky D's drive thru. "Ere. What are you on about, Harry? Is that one o' them stories where you run away n' become a vampire who snogs all the girls and tells the Order to sod off?"

"Usually its a metamorph." Fred corrected. "But a vampire will do in a pinch." He put his hands in the air as if quoting the headline news. " Harry gets new powers!  Most common summary on the net. Well except of course for A new girl comes to Hogwarts.

"I hate those." Ron scowled. "They always write me OOC. I mean all I do in them is yell and turn red."

"How's that out of character?" George Chortled.

"I do not loose my temper." Ron went from scowling to seething. Hermione dropped her text book.

"Since when?" She huffed. He looked at her in shock.

"Oh trust me, you've never seen me angry." A familiar red blush was creeping up into his neck and ears.

"Ronald Weasly, you are by far the most ill tempered..." His whole face was turning red. "...hot headed individual I have ever meet in all my life."

"You wouldn't like me very much when I am angry." He growled. Ignoring the comment she picked up her book and began to read again.

If it were possible, Ron's face seemed to turn an even brighter shade of scarlet. Which would be quite a frightening thing to witness any given day, but it didn't stop there, no. His whole body went red, his eyes became yellow, his muscles began to bulge.

"ARRG!!" Before anyone knew what was happening his clothes had been ripped to shreds save for his pants which had become shorts somehow. "RON MAD! ARRG!"

"Now you've done it!" Fred rebuked a stunned Hermione. "Haven't seen him like this since we lined his jocky shorts with icy-hot!" Hulk-Ron picked up Seamus and chucked him at the wall.

"Ron sorry." He apologized to the Irish lad. "Ron aim for window."

"Hope you're happy, book worm!" George yelled dodging Lavender who came sailing through the air.

"ARRG! NO YELL AT MIONE, CLONE BOY! ARRG!" Ron chased his brothers out the room and down the hall with Hermione racing to keep up.

"Ronnie! Sweetie! You know I was only joking!"

Harry plopped down on the overstuffed chair that Ron had just vacated. He was so tired by now he didn't even mind that the cushion was still hot and sweaty. Don't you just hate that? At least the room was cleared and he had some time away from all the insanity. He laid a hand over his eyes for a while, just taking in cleansing breaths. Of course he didn't notice when a flaming dog's head appeared beside him. There for neither did he mind that it was watching him curiously.

"Um Sorry. This a bad time?" The head asked.

Dropping the hand but not yet opening his eyes the boy answered lazily, "Actually I was hoping to get a little ---

"Aaaaaaaahhhhh!" Harry had finally glanced at the fireplace and jumped to his feet.

"Aaahhh!" The head responded.

"Aaahhh!"

"What?! What?! What is it?!" The disembodied head was franticly trying to look over it's non existent shoulders.

"You! You're a flaming dog's head!"

"Really? Last I looked I was just a dog. Oh I suppose you're still not used to using the floo." Harry now remembered the last time he was contacted through a fireplace.

"Wh-Who are you? What do you want from me?"

"Calm down, Harry. It's me. It's Remus. Remus Lupin."

"What are you doing here? Why do you look like that? Are you spying?! Are you checking up on me again?"

"W-uh-No of course not, Harry, I-I-I..."

"Why not? I've got a mad wizard after me you know! Or don't you care about that anymore?" Harry crossed his arms and turned his back.

"No. I haven't forgotten."

"Don't I merit a little concerned stalking these days?" He spat over the shoulder. "Oh you could pick up an owl once in a while. Just to know I'm not lying in a ditch somewhere."

"Listen I only meant..."

"What am I chopped liver?"

"Of course I care. Look, I'm just flooing to let you know that something terrible has happened. That's all."

"Oh." The Boy-Who-Freaked-Out calmed down again. "Wait. What do you mean something terrible? What's wrong?"

"Now then, Harry, you know how we've always discussed the possibility of something going wrong with the moon."

"The what?"

"The moon, Harry."

"What moon?"

"The Earths moon."

"Oh. Right."

"Yes well it would appear that I've been turning into a werewolf without it, as you can see. Fortunately I've managed to keep my wits about me."

"That's strange."

"Yes and what's more, I feel oddly compelled to go to Hogwarts, well that and eat you of course. I thought you might let me know if there's anything unusual going on there as of late."

"Anything unusual." Sigh. "How long have you got?"