We don't own anything in here other than Mungo and Mr. Cactus. So there.

-on the ship...

Tetra: Who cares what they're worth, they're crap and I want them off my boat!

Link: There's a guy who gave me 750,000 for half of one.

Tetra: ...Like I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, guard these with your lives or I'll... I'll... kill you all!

Link: mocking Tetra Oh, but if you guard them, I'll give you all big kisses, but Link will have to come in to my bed for his. Nekkid!

Tetra: impales Link

Link: Ouchies!

Mr. Cactus: I have come upon a plan. Link, did you say there was an auction house on Windfall?

Link: Yeah, we can auction em off and get even more money! tries to move Ow.

Tetra: kisses Link That's the best plan I've ever heard!

Link: Now that's what I'm talking about. tries to jump on Tetra, only to realize that he's still impaled and stuck to a wall OWIES!

Tetra: Bastard.

-that night...

Zunari: Nanook's real name, thank you Jimbo Jones sweating profusely Oh, please, please do not tell me you are upset with tha...

Gonzo & Mungo: slam Zunari against wall, then hang him from a hook

Zunari: hanging by his hood Oh, this is very unfortunate. Please don't rape me! I'm saving myself for marriage!

Tetra: Oh god, you're sicker than I thought!! throws knives at Zunari Listen up, buttnut. ALL of tonight's auction proceeds go to us, in order to benefit the Save Zunari's Little Eskimo Ass from a Horrible Pirate-Induced Death Fund. Got me?

Zunari: Oh, yes, yes! I understand that perfectly! More perfectly than I understand my own name, which in my native tongue, means

Tetra: SHUT THE BLEEDING FINGER FUCK UP ABOUT THAT!!

Mako: Nerdo's real name, thank you Chibi Sheik The auction will start soon, Miss Tetra.

Tetra: Good. Let him go now.

-in the auction room...

Lenzo: I hear they have golden chicken skeletons tonight!

Nudge: bearded pirate? watching from the doorway Holy smokes! Miss Tetra, looks like the whole world showed up!

Beedle: I'm gonna get me one a' them skeletons!

Mungo: also watching Stupid boat man! turns to Tetra Why golden chickies no have meat? Mungo hungry! Mungo want eat!

Tetra: Shut up you doof, after tonight we'll be eating like royalty! ROYALTY, I TELLS YA!!

Valoo: peeks his head in the window Grrrk.

Link: with a large bandages on his torso Holy cannoli, it's Valoo!

Tetra: pushes Link out of the way It is!

Makar: shows up, speaking on a cell phone with the Deku tree So, you say you'll go as high as ten million? For how many? EACH?! Wow, these are more valuable than I thought!

Fish what draws charts: flops into room like a lungfish

Gonzo: Oh my god, we're going to be...

Tetra: We're gonna be...

Link: The only rich people left in the world!

Tetra: You know, that's a good way of putting it.

Ganondorf: walks in Ooh, horse dervishes! Don't mind if I do! takes an hors d'ouvre Mmm.

Authors' Note: We learned a few years ago that hors d'ouvre is how you spell that word that's pronounced like

-Later, after a bloody, super-competitive auction what stretched well into the afternoon...

Link: wearing a monocle and a top hat speaking like a rich english guy to Tetra I say, old girl, how's about we retire to the hotel for the evening? I say, I know of a most delightful game...

Tetra: playing along (for the moment) And what game would that be, old bean?

Link: I say, it's such a lovely sport. I say, I believe it's called... Hide the Salami.

Tetra: Oh my, how's it played? I don't believe I've ever heard of the game.

Link: I say, come along and I'll show you!

-Outside the chosen room

Tetra: inside, with Link OH THAT'S SICK YOU LITTLE FUCK! sounds of killing and stuff YOU NEVER EVEN THINK OF DOING THAT EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! stomps out of room pissed off

Link: I say, you're killing me! I say, like a cricket in a combine! Oh, I say!

-the next morning...

Tetra: had a throne installed on the poop deck Hoist the mizzen sail!

Gonzo: Miss Tetra, this ship is a one-master. It has no mizzen sail.

Nudge: All we have is a mainsail, a jib, and a jib staysail. It's a cutter.

Tetra: So we'll buy a new ship!

-a few days later...

Tetra: Ah yes, my ship is beautiful, isn't it?

-to see a picture of what their new ship is like, go to Google Images and type in two-masted barque

Nudge: WOW that ship's big!

Link: bandaged out the yin-yang I call the first mate cabin!

Gonzo: Nope, I get that one. After all, I'm first mate.

Tetra: Actually, Gonzo...

Gonzo: Is this bad news?

Tetra: ...Sorta. See, on ships like these, it's quite common to have 2 first mates. And since Link managed to get us all that extra money from the auction house (stealing stuff), he's been promoted.

Gonzo: So he's the same rank as me?

Tetra: Yup.

Link: jumping around on crutches Hooray! IN YO FACE, NUDGE! YOU'RE ONLY 2ND MATE!

Nudge: kicks crutches out from under Link Whoops! Looks like you can't walk!

Link: falls over Ow! My freakin' nose!

-Later that night

Tetra: finishes decorating her cabin Ahh, now I feel at home... wait, what's that? picks up sparkly thing Yay, a gold ring!

Ominous voice coming from nowhere: Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul.

Tetra: Hey, shut up! absently smacks weird standing rug Wait... looks at rug

Rug: tries to shimmy away

Tetra: You're dead, Link! yanks off rug, revealing... OH MY GOD, NOT YOU! retches

Ugly guy from Windfall: looks around Oh dear, how did I end up here?

-On deck

Ugly guy: splash Help, help, I can't swim!

Tetra: He was in my cabin! shudders

Link: rubbing Tetra's back There, there. At least he didn't touch you... I think his ugly is contagious. puts arm around Tetra

Tetra: looks at Link Take it off or I'll break it off.

Link: quickly snatches away arm

Mungo: walking about freely Mushroom?

Tetra: What are you doing out?!

Link: Don't mind if I do! eats mushroom

Tetra: Oh no, not again!

Link: shudders, foams at mouth GLOOOGH! leaps at camera, fade to black

-Tune in next time!

Belzon: Review or I'll swallow your soul!

Orpus: He'll do it, too!

Belzon: Yearghble!