A/N: Ok, so this is my first fan fiction. I consider myself to be quite the joker so decided to do a parody. Have fun reading.
The alarm went off blasting a Quidditch game that was supposed to end last night but the seekers fell asleep.
"Bloody idiots…" Draco slammed his hand down on his alarm, and threw it to the ground and rolled over going back to sleep.
Lucius growled five minutes later, not seeing Draco downstairs. Then Lucius snarled on a piece of his pancakes and turned to Dobby.
"I. Specifically. Asked. For. Chocolate. Pancakes. Not. Blueberry!" he yelled, slapping Dobby after each word to emphasize his point. "…Incompetent halfwit cretin. What do I pay you for, anyway?"
"You don't pay me, Master Malfoy," Dobby stuttered, rubbing his head.
"Don't think I don't know your ploy! That's it, no paycheck for you next week!"
Dobby rolled his eyes, taking the plate and running back into the kitchen.
"Where in the hell is that damn boy…" Lucius wiped his mouth with a napkin and stood up, whipping his head back and forth as his hair followed in ridiculously slow motion while an inexplicably bright light shined from above. He then grabbed his cane as if nothing had ever happened, and made his way up to Draco's room.
The door slammed open and Lucius glared down upon Draco and muttered a spell pointing his wand at his son.
"What the hell!" screeched a high pitched voice as a white little ferret ran around, jumping from his bed, his legs bending as he jumped from one wall to the next. His nose sniffing the air as he continued bouncing from one wall to the next
"Does it bring back fond memories, Draco? Hmm…?" Lucius grinned, holding back a slight chuckle.
"See! This is why I never tell you anything! This is bringing serious psychological harm to me!" Draco wailed trying to fight through the curse.
A knock was heard as Lucius turned and Draco gulped as his hands and feet tried clinging to the ceiling but fell to the ground on his ass.
"Oh Luscious, I mean excuse me, Lucius," simpered a young woman. She smiled charmingly at Lucius then gasped and cooed at Draco, "Hello little boy."
"I am not a little boy! I am a charming young man that all ladies swoon over and a select few men drool over!"
"Ah, well, excuse me, young man," the woman said.
"And just who the hell is this, father? Does Mother know about this?" Draco queried, gesturing to the woman before him.
"Oh…Her? Oh…this is, uh, a friend from the Ministry," Lucius coughed as he tried to think of an excuse to explain her presence.
"I'm Veronica. I met this sexy beast at a pub last night. Didn't we have a good time Luscious baby…?"
Lucius blushed and grinned, grabbing Veronica, he coughed, "I have no idea what she is talking about!" Lucius ushered Veronica away, "Now get up! We're going shopping for Hogwarts."
Draco raised his eyebrow at his father.
"…NOW DRACO!" Lucius stormed out of the room.
Draco quickly got dressed not wanting to revisit the past so soon again. He took the stairs two at a time, and just in time to see his father spit out his pancakes.
"Goddamn it Dobby! Blueberry not chocolate! That's it! No pay for the next month! NOW BRING ME BLUEBERRY PANCAKES!"
Dobby screamed and threw the plate and pancakes across the room, and snapped his fingers as two plates appeared in front of Lucius, one of chocolate pancakes, and one of blueberry pancakes.
"Here you go Master Malfoy…" Dobby said through gritted teeth as he disappeared into the kitchen.
"Jesus dad, you're worse then mom when she goes on her period," Draco began laughing, and then quickly stopped as his father reached for his wand.
"Something has come up at the Ministry so I'm going away for a month," Lucius said while placing a few galleons on the table, "So, you'll have to go to Diagon Alley by yourself, Draco."
"Oh gee, what an honor. Why thank you father!" Draco's eyes widened, in fake excitement, taking the money and he walked out the door.
Draco walked through the streets of London, and walked into an alley heading towards the back. He quickly tapped the code and entered Diagon Alley.
"God knows that buffoon is on business with Veronica…Ok, better go get some…books," Draco walked into a bookshop and quickly grabbed what was needed and moved on. After collecting everything he needed, and sending the items back to his house, he made his way through the busy little street and bumped into Crabbe and Goyle.
"Oi! Draco, come help, stupid Crabbe got his tongue stuck to this pantry window!" Goyle tried pulling but Crabbe's face was glued.
"Ey aco, ow's it oing?" Crabbe asked to Draco.
Draco stared at Crabbe, raised his eyebrow and turned to Goyle, "Ok, I really don't want to know how this happened. So let's get him off quickly before I'm seen."
Goyle nodded, and began tugging with Draco.
"So, Goyle, what the hell did Crabbe just say?" Draco asked.
"Hey Draco, how's it going?" Goyle translated nonchalantly, and gave one hard yank as Crabbe was thrown from the window onto Goyle and they spilled to the floor.
"Get up!" Draco quickly lifted them, and brushed his clothes off, "Have you two finished shopping?" Both of them quickly nodded.
"Why?" Crabbe asked. Goyle elbowed him
"Why? Why, Crabbe, because I'm done as well. So, we're going to go get something to eat." Draco started walking as Crabbe and Goyle stared at each other, and then quickly waddled after him.
Draco, along with Crabbe and Goyle, entered a corner restaurant, where they sat in the back.
"Hey, Draco! Isn't that Potter?" Goyle sneered.
"Why yes it is Goyle, good eye. Yes, it is Potter along with Weasley and Granger…" Draco spat.
The other trio sat down at a nearby booth, "Hey, sorry Granger, no mudbloods allowed!" Draco called out.
Hermione's face flushed, and quickly gathered her senses, so she stormed over to Draco's table and yanked him away from his goons.
"Shut it Draco! Or we'll have another ferret episode in front of all these people! Don't think I haven't mastered that curse…" Hermione's eyes glared fiercer then normal. Draco was already scared at the mention of becoming a ferret again.
"Whatever Granger. You don't scare me!" Draco calmly said, but Hermione could see the fear in his eyes.
The two continued bickering when an old witch walked up to the two, "Chocolate Frog?" The old witch asked.
The two stared at the witch, but she quickly scowled at them, "Youngsters, these days, they don't respect their elders!" The old witch went on as the two sighed, and each took their own, and the witch left. They quickly began their bickering again, and Draco gave a quick remark that sent Hermione to small tears as she ran into the bathroom. Draco quickly followed wanted to continue his assault.
"So Granger, I mean really, is being a mudblood worse then being Michael Jackson?" Draco began laughing; he had read the stories on a newspaper he and his family subscribed to. He knew that since it was in the muggle's world she would surely know about it.
Draco pressed his ear against the door and heard nothing. He scoffed as he opened his Chocolate Frog, not knowing, that Hermione was as well, across the other side. They both read the message, and then Albus appeared and waved. Then everything around them began shaking, Draco grabbed onto a table for dear life, his eyes filled with fear, as Hermione slipped and fell to the floor. The shaking soon stopped.
"What nonsense," Draco scoffed to himself, and on wobbly legs threw the box the ground and walked back to his table.
"What took you so long, Draco?" Crabbe asked.
"Long line Crabbe," Draco lied, eating quickly and walking out his two goons following, "Say, did you fellows feel anything?" Draco asked them as they walked out, both saying 'no'.
"There goes Draco, so where's Hermione?" Harry asked Ron.
"No clue…" Ron shook his shoulder as he started eating the food presented to him.
Hermione slid into the booth next to Harry and began eating. She stopped when they both stared at her, "What?" Hermione asked.
"What took you?" Ron blurted out.
"Draco, and I fell from that shake," Hermione said, getting weird looks from the two, "The shake, you guys!"
"What shake?" Harry asked, staring at her, concerned.
"Honestly, don't tell me you two didn't feel that!" Hermione exclaimed shocked at them both and quickly left. They two followed after her shortly after.
A/N: Ok, so that's the end of the first one. R&R and tell me what you thought. I own none of the movies or their plots above, nor their quotes. But, I do own Veronica and the plot. And as always, I do not own the Harry Potter characters. Hope you enjoyed this as much as I wrote this. I'd like to thank my sister, also known as musikluver, for proofreading this and giving me some help.