When Ranma comes home. Soun stops him, and says "Son, there's someone in your room I'd like you to talk to."
Upon entering his room, He's greeted by a man he's never met before. The man, wearing a suit, and carrying a leather bound pad of paper, stands up, and introduces himself. "How do you do, Ranma Saotome. I'm Yanagawa from the court of protection. Do you know why I'm here?"
"No. I wasn't told anything about this meeting."
"Several people have questioned your sanity. I was sent here to report to the courts my opinion one way or another. The heads of the Saotome and Tendou wanted to participate, but the rules in this matter clearly state that these interviews be private."
"Then I'm afraid we will have to delay this slightly." Ranma pulls open the door quickly to find everyone else who lived there were leaning against the door to listen. "Come with me, and I'll take you somewhere where we can talk."
"I see..."
--------------------------------
As Ranma and Mr. Yanagawa walk through one of the area's many parks, Mr. Yanagawa comments "Surely we can talk now, there's no one within earshot."
Ranma objects. "I'm afraid not." Ranma off-handedly punches a tree alongside the path, and Mousse falls out of the branches. "Come this way."
--------------------------------
Ranma and Mr. Yanagawa stop halfway over a bridge over a canal. "We should be undisturbed here." He takes out a portable radio, and tunes it to a J-pop station.
"What's that for?"
"It should drown out Nabiki's directional microphone. This place is pretty secure. Please tell me if you see a white duck, a black pig, or a purple cat. Those animals have been trained by their owners. The only other things to watch out for are a transvestite disguised as a garbage can, and an incompetent diminutive ninja, but they're relatively rare."
"Do you always take such precautions?"
"Nah. I just assume that whatever I say will be overheard at the worst possible moment."
"And this warning about animals, you don't find that extreme?"
"It's only those three animals. You'll find that they often appear around the Nekohanten. A group of Chinese nationals who want me to move to China and marry someone there. The animals follow the orders of their masters. I'm not worried about other animals. Do you think it's paranoid of me after seeing everyone outside my room's door, and seing that guy fall from the tree?"
"Surely the man in the tree was coincidence."
"That was Mu Tsu of the chinese amazons. He lives at the Nekohanten, and works as a waiter. You'll see him if you go there for the dinner rush. He's a half-blind obsessive assassin, which around here rates him as mostly harmless."
"I see. Tell me about yourself. I understand you're engaged to be married to Mr. Tendo's youngest daughter."
"Yes. My father arranged several betrothels for me, and didn't tell me about any of them until I was 16. You'll find if you ask Ukyou Kuonji of Ucchan's Okonomiyaki, that my father engaged me to her. If you ask Xian Pu or Khu Lon of the Nekohanten, you'll find that I've already married Xian Pu. You'll agree that while this is bizarre, this isn't a sign of insanity if you check to find out it is accurate."
"True, but it is pretty unbelievable."
"Granted, but I was right about the tree, and the people outside my door. All you have to do is verify the rest to decide if I'm sane or massively delusional."
"In your opinion, why would your father try to have you committed?"
"I make no claim to understanding how my father behaves. At the age of 6 he seperated me from my mother. Tied me up. Covered me with Smelt, and threw me into a pit of hungry cats. He bragged about this to the Tendos, claiming it was a sign of how devoted a father he was. My mother hasn't seen me since the age of 6. Here's her address, so that you can confirm this for yourself."
"Why haven't you gone back to her?"
"Because I think my father might be the safer of the two of them. At six years old, she had me sign a suicide pact, which she seems to take seriously, and she goes everywhere with a wrapped Katana. If you want to verify this, ask her about the pact made on family honor that I become a man among men. I'd make it appear that you were in favor of it, I understand she can be quite deadly with the katana, and you do not appear to be trained to avoid it. If she is as skilled as I think she is, she could theoretically kill someone from a peaceful position in less than 3 seconds."
"You make it sound as if your life is in serious danger. I have trouble believing that your life could be that dangerous, and you still being alive."
"I'm alive because I'm the best martial artist there is. Tell me, what's the highest you think a man can jump from a standing start?"
"Somewhere around 2 meters, why?"
Ranma leaps seven meters straight up, does a somersault, and lands lightly back where he was. "I've been training for years. I can avoid or overcome nearly anything. Can I borrow a piece of paper?"
"Sure." Mr Yanagawa hands him a blank sheet from his pad. Ranma tears it up into about 30 pieces, and hands them back to Mr Yanagawa.
"Please throw them at me so they seperate and scatter." He does, and Ranma uses the Amaguriken to snatch them out of the air. "I've been training since before I could walk to defend myself. I wont bother telling stories of how I've defended myself. They would just sound unbelievable. But as you can see, I'm probably better trained than anyone you've ever met."
"Tell me how you are linked with the rash of thefts of women's undergarments in the area."
"I know who does them. I've tried to stop him. People see me nearby and assume I'm some kind of pervert. Since I've tried to stop him, he retaliates by planting some of his thefts to make me look bad."
"Since you're so good. How can he do this?"
Ranma sighs. "I didn't want to mention this. Everything I learned about fighting from my father, my father learned from the pervert. He knows counters to nearly all of my moves. Whenever I get close to stopping him, he threatens my father and Mr Tendo to make life hard for me."
"But Mr. Tendou is in charge of stopping these attacks. He spoke up about them before the city council."
"So why would he support me for so long if he thinks I'm the one doing it? Mr. Tendou can't do anything about it, so he's done everything he can to sweep it under the rug. Since he's volunteered, has there been any change in the amount of theft? Maybe a little because people are trying to protect their undergarments. He hasn't done anything. Wait a minute, do you see that duck approaching?"
"Which one?"
"The only one I care about is the one wearing glasses. Please stand at least four meters from me." Ranma picks up a rock, and throws it at Mousse. Mousse responds with a volley of knives, which Ranma plucks out of the air. "That's the duck I was talking about. No other duck I've ever seen can hurl a half dozen knives like that, wouldn't you agree? Perhapse we'd better cut this meeting short here. Please verify the things I've told you, and if you wish, we can talk again." With that, Ranma leaps off, and disappears.
--------------------------------
That night, while Ranma lay on the roof, Cologne lands next to Ranma. "How long are you going to pretend to be mad, son-in-law?"
"Does Shampoo know?"
"I haven't decided what the best course of action would be. That's why I'm here tonight. You realize that by denying your family you only strengthen Shampoo's chances."
"She can't marry a madman."
"The tribe knows you're sane. What did you plan to do? Play one fiance against the other?"
"Wouldn't you in my position?"
"So your making Shampoo's claim stronger because she has the weekest hold on you according to Japanese claim."
"She does. I've defeated many women, you can't expect me to marry them all."
Cologne smiles. "Good night."
Ranma gets a surprised look. "What? We haven't settled anything."
"It's been most satisfactory."
Ranma growls "What's been satisfactory?"
"Winning." Cologne smiles, "Surely you noticed."
"You haven't won a damned thing!"
Cologne smiles indulgently. "I know what your plans are. I know why you're doing it. I know how you'll react to anything we do. You've burbled every piece of strategy you've got, and I've told you nothing. To these aged eyes, that's what winning looks like. Good night."
Ranma, furious, growls "You. You tried to have me killed because you hadn't trained Shampoo competently. When you found I was male, you cursed her into my worst nightmare. You tried to blame me for her curse. Then you trap me in a strange body. You try to humiliate me, you burned me with your cat's tongue. You've tricked me with fake cures. You've toyed with my affection for the girls, and tried to break me to take me back as Shampoo's trained puppy. Tell me this. How puny does Shampoo look before the tribe, now that they know that it took someone with 20 times her experience to try to break me, and that you never trusted her to succeed?"
"I trust her implicitly."
"You trust her as far as you trust Mousse. Suppose you win. Suppose you assassinate everyone that might come for me. Suppose you erase my memories for the last year. Suppose you have the control over your people, so that no one there would think to release me to get back at you. Suppose the amazons are strong enough to prevent any of the chinese warlords from freeing me, either out of respect for a foe, or hatred of you. What kind of respect will Shampoo garner having me given to her as a broken, drugged, halfdead wretch. And when I do get free, your only hope is to kill me while I see how many of my slavers I can take with me? If that's the future of the three thousand years of proud amazon heritage, the amazons wont last another generation. And by involving me, you merely alloy me to help wipe you out. Obstacles are for killing? How much of an obstacle to me are you willing to make the amazons into?"
"You're not a cold-blooded killer. You'd never go that far."
"Not yet. I'm getting closer every day. You've taught me a valuable lesson. I don't have to fight you to defeat you. I've got time. The only things you care about are your tribe and Shampoo. You keep reminding me that I should behave as I can't protect everyone. How much harder it must be for you? Every enemy you have comes through here eventually. Tell me, what would happen if Herb decided to advance his position by defeating the champion of the Amazons? Or how about Pantyhose Tarou? Where's the vaunted pride of the amazons when they learn that the reason their champion was undefeated, was because she never dared leave her little valley before, to play with the big boys? I can name a dozen men who could defeat her easily, and that's not counting the supernatural that seems to get drawn here. What would be the effect of Amazon morale If an outsider trained Mousse to be the best of his generation? Or would you like to deal with the imbecility having Kunos in your gene pool? You've got four choices. Let me chose freely who I spend my life with, try and break me, try and kill me, or Marry shampoo off to someone else. Everything but the first is a loss on your part. So back off, and don't corner me, because I don't even know what I'll do if you do."
--------------------------------
Ranma sits back after a large inhallation of food "Excellent breakfast, Kasumi. I'm surprised your father hasn't married you off yet."
"I'm happy with the way things are, Ranma."
"Oh, anyone can see that. That doesn't mean he wouldn't marry you off against your wishes, look what he's tried for on Akane."
Nabiki interrupts "I'd like to think he's learning something from all this. He wouldn't dare engage us behind our backs."
"Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. He hadn't learned before the last wedding attempt. Imagine, defrauding a minister, his daughter, and a houseguest."
Nabiki answers "You have a point. You wouldn't believe the 'donation' to the temple necessary in order to make him forget the matter."
Soun interrupts "Nabiki, Ranma, I'm sitting right here. Talking about me in front of me is rather rude."
Ranma turns to Soun "It's better than anything I'd have to say to you." Turning back to Nabiki "Tell me, Nabiki, What would you consider a fair response to a host that attempted to defraud you, one who sees nothing wrong with the attempt, who doesn't apologize or try to make amends? One who would try it again if he thought he would succeed?"
Nabiki smirks. "I refuse to answer on the grounds that my family couldn't afford my retribution. Please try to find one that only hurts the offending party. Try to pick something whose fallout doesn't hurt his daughters."
"Granted Akane was unconcious for the wedding, but are either you or Kasumi completely innocent? As Tendo matriarch, Kasumi is in charge of maintaining the harmony of the home, and you always know what's going on, so if you did nothing to stop it, then it had your tacit approval."
Nabiki grins "I knew about it. I knew it would fail without any effort on my part. As I knew nothing would come of it, I saw no reason to interfere. That doesn't make me an accessory, and it doesn't mean I approve."
"All right. I'll agree that you're unlikely to approve of any attempt to defraud that was so likely to backfire. But still, I'd think you'd shoot down anything that would drag the Tendo name through the mud."
Nabiki chuckles "You think I'm motivated by ancestral worship? The name Tendo means nothing to me, except that it's mine. If people think it's worthless, I'll just get another. The future of the Tendo clan is Akane's and daddy's concern."
Soun interrupts "And as it is my concern, I shall do what I think best to insure our line."
Ranma looks down on Soun "You know, there are days when you make me want to marry any of your daughters, sell the dojo, split the proceeds with her, get a divorce, change my name and move to Hokkaido. I'm unable to describe what I think of what you think best,' without using language that might offend Kasumi. You were interrupting a conversation between Nabiki and I. But seeing as you want to be included, tell me why I should continue to live here? You've proved willing to stoop to levels of treachery that the Chinese contingent haven't tried. Why shouldn't I live with them? Granted, Mousse would be an annoyance, but he's much easier to handle than Happosai. If it comes to that, I could probably get a job at Ukyou's. If I disappeared now, what would you do? Who would you blame?" Ranma uses one of the sealed techniques of the Umisenken, and vanishes, to reappear behind Soun in plain sight of everyone but Soun, as Ranma stands behind him. Soun starts to panic, as Nabiki smiles.
Ranma continues, "I also feel compelled to leave your hospitality before I'm linked in people's minds with your other two houseguests, both of which are suspected of recidivist thievery, and the obese one on several points of kidnapping."
Soun says "Kidnapping? Who accuses him of kidnapping?"
"Do you remember Kaori and the martial arts delivery race? According to them, he kidnapped a six month child."
Genma interrupts "I wasn't kidnapping! I was robbing him of fish, rice and two pickles!"
"The food was yours after the transaction, the child wasn't. Stealing another's child is kidnapping. Anyway, you admit to being a thief. If I wasn't a houseguest of the Tendos, I wouldn't be constrained as their guest not to cut off your hands."
"Hands?"
"Granted that's a Muslim punishment. What's the traditional punnishment of a Yakusa by his superiors in Japan? The last joint of his little finger? The small seppuku of the non-samurai. You admit I am his superior, don't you? You wouldn't dare imply that I was inferior to a kidnapper, would you? I couldn't associate with someone who believed that of me. I'd have to move out at once."
"You're not going to cut off his finger! Not while you're a guest here!"
"I know that. That's what I said. Thats why I must move out. How else can I lop off a finger-joint for each of his offenses? Hmm, It might just be faster to lop off the hands, as it comes to the same thing. No need to be cruel.
--------------------------------
Akane and Ranma walk toward school. Akane turns to Ranma and asks him "Why are you going to school? You're still suspended."
"I wanted to discuss something with you away from everyone else. You always call me 'hentai', but I'm 'henshin'! I'm a polymorph, not a pervert."
"You're both!"
"Then I need to hear your definition of pervert. What definition do you have that includes me, and not you?"
"All boys are perverts!"
"Because they get aroused by a visual display? As opposed to women who react to manipulation of their breasts? You think that's any better?"
"How can you talk like that! You're such a pervert."
"You still haven't given me a good criteria. Why do you think I'm a pervert?"
"I know a pervert when I see one."
"Ok, I can't argue against that. Perverts are whoever you define as perverted. How many disgusting and degrading things did you do to get this experience?"
"What?"
"To get the experience to know what is perverse and what isn't, you must have experienced all sorts of things. I'm not asking to be a voyeur into your disgusting and licentious past, I'm merely curious how long it lasted."
"How dare you!" Akane pulls out a bokken and starts swinging at Ranma, but Ranma retaliates by attacking the weapon, and destroys it.
"If you want me to take your attacks seriously, don't use a weapon. Who do you want to be like? Kuno?"
Akane launches a series of punches and kicks, which Ranma blocks and dodges with a felt tipped pen in hand. When Akane pauses for a moment, Ranma recaps and tosses the marker to Akane. Kasumi's indellible ink marker.
--------------------------------
Ranma meets with Mr. Yanagawa in his office. "Well, Ranma, I've doublechecked everything you've told me, and it all checks out, Otherwise I'd have had to diagnose you as a paranoid schizophrenic in spite of your remarkable abilities.
I can give you several options. You can, of course, tell me to drop the matter, but I still have an obligation to do something about your problems now that I know about them. I'd rather work with you, than to act in such a highhanded manner, but I can't just ignore this now that I'm aware of it. Unfortunately I'm not sure what the best thing to do is. Your situation is unique as far as I know."
"Well, what do you suggest?"
"First, I want to get you living somewhere safe. Where would you live if everything were up to you?"
"I'd probably pitch a tent in some vacant lot."
"We can get you a room for a while, and come up with some excuse other's will believe. Now, in terms of schooling, here are the options I can provide you. If you could prove to the school board that you had a private tutor, or that you already knew the material, we could test you and possibly allow you to graduate without attending school. We could get you a period of absense but you'd have to make up the time later to graduate. We could transfer you to another school. We could remove you from the usual chain of discipline in your old school, or we could leave you suspended, and you'd take your chances about graduating at all."
"I don't want to switch schools. My problems would just follow me, and I'd be in unfamiliar territory. How would the second to last option work?"
"Everything your teachers would punish you for, instead they'd be required to report it to us. We'd have to decide what detentions you deserved, but at least you'd get a chance to tell your side of the story to our arbiter. Your teachers would not know for sure one way or the other if you were punished. The easiest way to do this is to claim that you were under observation for possible psychiatric stress, and that it was necessary for a doctor to prescribe the proper non-injurious forms of aversion therapy."
"Well that would take care of the principal and Hinako-sensei. Everyone already thinks I'm mad. But the moment we start this, my parents, and all of my fiancees will be swarming over wherever I live."
"Your father is the easiest. As he and Soun Tendo called me in, they have the least ability to challenge my findings, especially if my findings favor having you under observation. Your mother hasn't seen you in over ten years. That's sufficient time to block her admittance on grounds of abandonment. What are the capabilities of the girls after you?"
"Well, Akane's the weakest. She can't destroy more than four cinderblocks at a time, or create more than a six inch hole when punching a three inch thick wooden wall. Shampoo used to regularly destroy six foot by four foot segments of brick or stone walls. Ukyou carries a halibard sized spatula, a number of shuriken, and occasional explosives, but she's too well adjusted to go through walls, or attack normal people, so she wont be a problem. Oh yeah, There's Kodachi Kuno. She's not a fiancee, but behaves like one. Little upper body strength, but she carries an assortment of deadly weapons, and is prone to using gaseous poisons. She also has on retainer a semi-competent ninja."
"Perhaps we'd be better off just concealing where you'll be staying."
--------------------------------
Akane shows up to class with bandages applied over all of both her forearms. Ukyou walks up and asks Akane what happened. "I got into a fight with Ranma."
"You mean he actually hit you hard enough to bruise? And more than once?"
"Not exactly. He wrote on my arms with indellible ink."
"He's been acting really strange! Writing on you. Getting suspended from class. Telling me we are either friends or fiancees but not both."
"He said that to you?"
"He did. He said he was my friend, but as we were engaged, I wasn't his. Then he said we weren't engaged! Has he said anything about your engagement?"
"He hasn't refused it, but he throws it in my father's face constantly, and yesterday he tried to change it so that he could adopt me as his daughter!"
"Daughter?"
"Yes. Said that the Tendo-Saotome deal was to unite the two schools, and have a common heir. He offered to name me his heir as his eldest daughter."
"What are we going to do?"
--------------------------------
Mr. Yanagawa asks Ranma, "Now what shall we do about the constant fights?"
"Well, I'm not supposed to refuse a challenge. I'm just sick of being ambushed, and blaimed for everything that goes wrong around here."
"How about if we instigate a waiting period? A challenge must be made a day in advance, otherwise it's a violent attack?"
"You'll never get them to wait a day."
"The state has alot of power to bear. As long as we can differentiate between a challenge, and aggravated assault. But we have to inform people beforehand. Who are most likely to attack you, and where can they be found?"
"Well, there's Akane who lives at the dojo, and goes to my school. Tatewaki Kuno, who lives at the Kuno mansion, and attends my school. Ryouga Hibiki of no fixed abode or school, but who often lurks around the Tendo Dojo. My father ..."
--------------------------------
During a break between classes, Tatewaki Kuno corners Nabiki at her desk. "It has been days since I have seen my pigtailed goddess. You must tell me where to find her. Now that I have driven that foul cur Saotome from our fair school, I must free her at once."
"You drove him off? That's not the way I heard it."
"It is unfortunate that scandalous roumers have been passed around the school. I try to set an example to uplift the other students, but there's only so much that my angellic demeanor can do against baser human foibles."
"It's nice to see you have a new hobby. I don't know where your goddess is, and I'd advise you to avoid her for now, as she isn't behaving normally."
"Ahh, she must pine for my presence. How is she behaving?"
"Denying the existance of her family, and casting in the worst possible light whatever anyone says."
"Hmm. Sounds like my sister. She hasn't started dabbling in pharmacuticals, has she?"
"No, but there's a chance some might be prescribed for her shortly."
Upon entering his room, He's greeted by a man he's never met before. The man, wearing a suit, and carrying a leather bound pad of paper, stands up, and introduces himself. "How do you do, Ranma Saotome. I'm Yanagawa from the court of protection. Do you know why I'm here?"
"No. I wasn't told anything about this meeting."
"Several people have questioned your sanity. I was sent here to report to the courts my opinion one way or another. The heads of the Saotome and Tendou wanted to participate, but the rules in this matter clearly state that these interviews be private."
"Then I'm afraid we will have to delay this slightly." Ranma pulls open the door quickly to find everyone else who lived there were leaning against the door to listen. "Come with me, and I'll take you somewhere where we can talk."
"I see..."
--------------------------------
As Ranma and Mr. Yanagawa walk through one of the area's many parks, Mr. Yanagawa comments "Surely we can talk now, there's no one within earshot."
Ranma objects. "I'm afraid not." Ranma off-handedly punches a tree alongside the path, and Mousse falls out of the branches. "Come this way."
--------------------------------
Ranma and Mr. Yanagawa stop halfway over a bridge over a canal. "We should be undisturbed here." He takes out a portable radio, and tunes it to a J-pop station.
"What's that for?"
"It should drown out Nabiki's directional microphone. This place is pretty secure. Please tell me if you see a white duck, a black pig, or a purple cat. Those animals have been trained by their owners. The only other things to watch out for are a transvestite disguised as a garbage can, and an incompetent diminutive ninja, but they're relatively rare."
"Do you always take such precautions?"
"Nah. I just assume that whatever I say will be overheard at the worst possible moment."
"And this warning about animals, you don't find that extreme?"
"It's only those three animals. You'll find that they often appear around the Nekohanten. A group of Chinese nationals who want me to move to China and marry someone there. The animals follow the orders of their masters. I'm not worried about other animals. Do you think it's paranoid of me after seeing everyone outside my room's door, and seing that guy fall from the tree?"
"Surely the man in the tree was coincidence."
"That was Mu Tsu of the chinese amazons. He lives at the Nekohanten, and works as a waiter. You'll see him if you go there for the dinner rush. He's a half-blind obsessive assassin, which around here rates him as mostly harmless."
"I see. Tell me about yourself. I understand you're engaged to be married to Mr. Tendo's youngest daughter."
"Yes. My father arranged several betrothels for me, and didn't tell me about any of them until I was 16. You'll find if you ask Ukyou Kuonji of Ucchan's Okonomiyaki, that my father engaged me to her. If you ask Xian Pu or Khu Lon of the Nekohanten, you'll find that I've already married Xian Pu. You'll agree that while this is bizarre, this isn't a sign of insanity if you check to find out it is accurate."
"True, but it is pretty unbelievable."
"Granted, but I was right about the tree, and the people outside my door. All you have to do is verify the rest to decide if I'm sane or massively delusional."
"In your opinion, why would your father try to have you committed?"
"I make no claim to understanding how my father behaves. At the age of 6 he seperated me from my mother. Tied me up. Covered me with Smelt, and threw me into a pit of hungry cats. He bragged about this to the Tendos, claiming it was a sign of how devoted a father he was. My mother hasn't seen me since the age of 6. Here's her address, so that you can confirm this for yourself."
"Why haven't you gone back to her?"
"Because I think my father might be the safer of the two of them. At six years old, she had me sign a suicide pact, which she seems to take seriously, and she goes everywhere with a wrapped Katana. If you want to verify this, ask her about the pact made on family honor that I become a man among men. I'd make it appear that you were in favor of it, I understand she can be quite deadly with the katana, and you do not appear to be trained to avoid it. If she is as skilled as I think she is, she could theoretically kill someone from a peaceful position in less than 3 seconds."
"You make it sound as if your life is in serious danger. I have trouble believing that your life could be that dangerous, and you still being alive."
"I'm alive because I'm the best martial artist there is. Tell me, what's the highest you think a man can jump from a standing start?"
"Somewhere around 2 meters, why?"
Ranma leaps seven meters straight up, does a somersault, and lands lightly back where he was. "I've been training for years. I can avoid or overcome nearly anything. Can I borrow a piece of paper?"
"Sure." Mr Yanagawa hands him a blank sheet from his pad. Ranma tears it up into about 30 pieces, and hands them back to Mr Yanagawa.
"Please throw them at me so they seperate and scatter." He does, and Ranma uses the Amaguriken to snatch them out of the air. "I've been training since before I could walk to defend myself. I wont bother telling stories of how I've defended myself. They would just sound unbelievable. But as you can see, I'm probably better trained than anyone you've ever met."
"Tell me how you are linked with the rash of thefts of women's undergarments in the area."
"I know who does them. I've tried to stop him. People see me nearby and assume I'm some kind of pervert. Since I've tried to stop him, he retaliates by planting some of his thefts to make me look bad."
"Since you're so good. How can he do this?"
Ranma sighs. "I didn't want to mention this. Everything I learned about fighting from my father, my father learned from the pervert. He knows counters to nearly all of my moves. Whenever I get close to stopping him, he threatens my father and Mr Tendo to make life hard for me."
"But Mr. Tendou is in charge of stopping these attacks. He spoke up about them before the city council."
"So why would he support me for so long if he thinks I'm the one doing it? Mr. Tendou can't do anything about it, so he's done everything he can to sweep it under the rug. Since he's volunteered, has there been any change in the amount of theft? Maybe a little because people are trying to protect their undergarments. He hasn't done anything. Wait a minute, do you see that duck approaching?"
"Which one?"
"The only one I care about is the one wearing glasses. Please stand at least four meters from me." Ranma picks up a rock, and throws it at Mousse. Mousse responds with a volley of knives, which Ranma plucks out of the air. "That's the duck I was talking about. No other duck I've ever seen can hurl a half dozen knives like that, wouldn't you agree? Perhapse we'd better cut this meeting short here. Please verify the things I've told you, and if you wish, we can talk again." With that, Ranma leaps off, and disappears.
--------------------------------
That night, while Ranma lay on the roof, Cologne lands next to Ranma. "How long are you going to pretend to be mad, son-in-law?"
"Does Shampoo know?"
"I haven't decided what the best course of action would be. That's why I'm here tonight. You realize that by denying your family you only strengthen Shampoo's chances."
"She can't marry a madman."
"The tribe knows you're sane. What did you plan to do? Play one fiance against the other?"
"Wouldn't you in my position?"
"So your making Shampoo's claim stronger because she has the weekest hold on you according to Japanese claim."
"She does. I've defeated many women, you can't expect me to marry them all."
Cologne smiles. "Good night."
Ranma gets a surprised look. "What? We haven't settled anything."
"It's been most satisfactory."
Ranma growls "What's been satisfactory?"
"Winning." Cologne smiles, "Surely you noticed."
"You haven't won a damned thing!"
Cologne smiles indulgently. "I know what your plans are. I know why you're doing it. I know how you'll react to anything we do. You've burbled every piece of strategy you've got, and I've told you nothing. To these aged eyes, that's what winning looks like. Good night."
Ranma, furious, growls "You. You tried to have me killed because you hadn't trained Shampoo competently. When you found I was male, you cursed her into my worst nightmare. You tried to blame me for her curse. Then you trap me in a strange body. You try to humiliate me, you burned me with your cat's tongue. You've tricked me with fake cures. You've toyed with my affection for the girls, and tried to break me to take me back as Shampoo's trained puppy. Tell me this. How puny does Shampoo look before the tribe, now that they know that it took someone with 20 times her experience to try to break me, and that you never trusted her to succeed?"
"I trust her implicitly."
"You trust her as far as you trust Mousse. Suppose you win. Suppose you assassinate everyone that might come for me. Suppose you erase my memories for the last year. Suppose you have the control over your people, so that no one there would think to release me to get back at you. Suppose the amazons are strong enough to prevent any of the chinese warlords from freeing me, either out of respect for a foe, or hatred of you. What kind of respect will Shampoo garner having me given to her as a broken, drugged, halfdead wretch. And when I do get free, your only hope is to kill me while I see how many of my slavers I can take with me? If that's the future of the three thousand years of proud amazon heritage, the amazons wont last another generation. And by involving me, you merely alloy me to help wipe you out. Obstacles are for killing? How much of an obstacle to me are you willing to make the amazons into?"
"You're not a cold-blooded killer. You'd never go that far."
"Not yet. I'm getting closer every day. You've taught me a valuable lesson. I don't have to fight you to defeat you. I've got time. The only things you care about are your tribe and Shampoo. You keep reminding me that I should behave as I can't protect everyone. How much harder it must be for you? Every enemy you have comes through here eventually. Tell me, what would happen if Herb decided to advance his position by defeating the champion of the Amazons? Or how about Pantyhose Tarou? Where's the vaunted pride of the amazons when they learn that the reason their champion was undefeated, was because she never dared leave her little valley before, to play with the big boys? I can name a dozen men who could defeat her easily, and that's not counting the supernatural that seems to get drawn here. What would be the effect of Amazon morale If an outsider trained Mousse to be the best of his generation? Or would you like to deal with the imbecility having Kunos in your gene pool? You've got four choices. Let me chose freely who I spend my life with, try and break me, try and kill me, or Marry shampoo off to someone else. Everything but the first is a loss on your part. So back off, and don't corner me, because I don't even know what I'll do if you do."
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Ranma sits back after a large inhallation of food "Excellent breakfast, Kasumi. I'm surprised your father hasn't married you off yet."
"I'm happy with the way things are, Ranma."
"Oh, anyone can see that. That doesn't mean he wouldn't marry you off against your wishes, look what he's tried for on Akane."
Nabiki interrupts "I'd like to think he's learning something from all this. He wouldn't dare engage us behind our backs."
"Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. He hadn't learned before the last wedding attempt. Imagine, defrauding a minister, his daughter, and a houseguest."
Nabiki answers "You have a point. You wouldn't believe the 'donation' to the temple necessary in order to make him forget the matter."
Soun interrupts "Nabiki, Ranma, I'm sitting right here. Talking about me in front of me is rather rude."
Ranma turns to Soun "It's better than anything I'd have to say to you." Turning back to Nabiki "Tell me, Nabiki, What would you consider a fair response to a host that attempted to defraud you, one who sees nothing wrong with the attempt, who doesn't apologize or try to make amends? One who would try it again if he thought he would succeed?"
Nabiki smirks. "I refuse to answer on the grounds that my family couldn't afford my retribution. Please try to find one that only hurts the offending party. Try to pick something whose fallout doesn't hurt his daughters."
"Granted Akane was unconcious for the wedding, but are either you or Kasumi completely innocent? As Tendo matriarch, Kasumi is in charge of maintaining the harmony of the home, and you always know what's going on, so if you did nothing to stop it, then it had your tacit approval."
Nabiki grins "I knew about it. I knew it would fail without any effort on my part. As I knew nothing would come of it, I saw no reason to interfere. That doesn't make me an accessory, and it doesn't mean I approve."
"All right. I'll agree that you're unlikely to approve of any attempt to defraud that was so likely to backfire. But still, I'd think you'd shoot down anything that would drag the Tendo name through the mud."
Nabiki chuckles "You think I'm motivated by ancestral worship? The name Tendo means nothing to me, except that it's mine. If people think it's worthless, I'll just get another. The future of the Tendo clan is Akane's and daddy's concern."
Soun interrupts "And as it is my concern, I shall do what I think best to insure our line."
Ranma looks down on Soun "You know, there are days when you make me want to marry any of your daughters, sell the dojo, split the proceeds with her, get a divorce, change my name and move to Hokkaido. I'm unable to describe what I think of what you think best,' without using language that might offend Kasumi. You were interrupting a conversation between Nabiki and I. But seeing as you want to be included, tell me why I should continue to live here? You've proved willing to stoop to levels of treachery that the Chinese contingent haven't tried. Why shouldn't I live with them? Granted, Mousse would be an annoyance, but he's much easier to handle than Happosai. If it comes to that, I could probably get a job at Ukyou's. If I disappeared now, what would you do? Who would you blame?" Ranma uses one of the sealed techniques of the Umisenken, and vanishes, to reappear behind Soun in plain sight of everyone but Soun, as Ranma stands behind him. Soun starts to panic, as Nabiki smiles.
Ranma continues, "I also feel compelled to leave your hospitality before I'm linked in people's minds with your other two houseguests, both of which are suspected of recidivist thievery, and the obese one on several points of kidnapping."
Soun says "Kidnapping? Who accuses him of kidnapping?"
"Do you remember Kaori and the martial arts delivery race? According to them, he kidnapped a six month child."
Genma interrupts "I wasn't kidnapping! I was robbing him of fish, rice and two pickles!"
"The food was yours after the transaction, the child wasn't. Stealing another's child is kidnapping. Anyway, you admit to being a thief. If I wasn't a houseguest of the Tendos, I wouldn't be constrained as their guest not to cut off your hands."
"Hands?"
"Granted that's a Muslim punishment. What's the traditional punnishment of a Yakusa by his superiors in Japan? The last joint of his little finger? The small seppuku of the non-samurai. You admit I am his superior, don't you? You wouldn't dare imply that I was inferior to a kidnapper, would you? I couldn't associate with someone who believed that of me. I'd have to move out at once."
"You're not going to cut off his finger! Not while you're a guest here!"
"I know that. That's what I said. Thats why I must move out. How else can I lop off a finger-joint for each of his offenses? Hmm, It might just be faster to lop off the hands, as it comes to the same thing. No need to be cruel.
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Akane and Ranma walk toward school. Akane turns to Ranma and asks him "Why are you going to school? You're still suspended."
"I wanted to discuss something with you away from everyone else. You always call me 'hentai', but I'm 'henshin'! I'm a polymorph, not a pervert."
"You're both!"
"Then I need to hear your definition of pervert. What definition do you have that includes me, and not you?"
"All boys are perverts!"
"Because they get aroused by a visual display? As opposed to women who react to manipulation of their breasts? You think that's any better?"
"How can you talk like that! You're such a pervert."
"You still haven't given me a good criteria. Why do you think I'm a pervert?"
"I know a pervert when I see one."
"Ok, I can't argue against that. Perverts are whoever you define as perverted. How many disgusting and degrading things did you do to get this experience?"
"What?"
"To get the experience to know what is perverse and what isn't, you must have experienced all sorts of things. I'm not asking to be a voyeur into your disgusting and licentious past, I'm merely curious how long it lasted."
"How dare you!" Akane pulls out a bokken and starts swinging at Ranma, but Ranma retaliates by attacking the weapon, and destroys it.
"If you want me to take your attacks seriously, don't use a weapon. Who do you want to be like? Kuno?"
Akane launches a series of punches and kicks, which Ranma blocks and dodges with a felt tipped pen in hand. When Akane pauses for a moment, Ranma recaps and tosses the marker to Akane. Kasumi's indellible ink marker.
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Ranma meets with Mr. Yanagawa in his office. "Well, Ranma, I've doublechecked everything you've told me, and it all checks out, Otherwise I'd have had to diagnose you as a paranoid schizophrenic in spite of your remarkable abilities.
I can give you several options. You can, of course, tell me to drop the matter, but I still have an obligation to do something about your problems now that I know about them. I'd rather work with you, than to act in such a highhanded manner, but I can't just ignore this now that I'm aware of it. Unfortunately I'm not sure what the best thing to do is. Your situation is unique as far as I know."
"Well, what do you suggest?"
"First, I want to get you living somewhere safe. Where would you live if everything were up to you?"
"I'd probably pitch a tent in some vacant lot."
"We can get you a room for a while, and come up with some excuse other's will believe. Now, in terms of schooling, here are the options I can provide you. If you could prove to the school board that you had a private tutor, or that you already knew the material, we could test you and possibly allow you to graduate without attending school. We could get you a period of absense but you'd have to make up the time later to graduate. We could transfer you to another school. We could remove you from the usual chain of discipline in your old school, or we could leave you suspended, and you'd take your chances about graduating at all."
"I don't want to switch schools. My problems would just follow me, and I'd be in unfamiliar territory. How would the second to last option work?"
"Everything your teachers would punish you for, instead they'd be required to report it to us. We'd have to decide what detentions you deserved, but at least you'd get a chance to tell your side of the story to our arbiter. Your teachers would not know for sure one way or the other if you were punished. The easiest way to do this is to claim that you were under observation for possible psychiatric stress, and that it was necessary for a doctor to prescribe the proper non-injurious forms of aversion therapy."
"Well that would take care of the principal and Hinako-sensei. Everyone already thinks I'm mad. But the moment we start this, my parents, and all of my fiancees will be swarming over wherever I live."
"Your father is the easiest. As he and Soun Tendo called me in, they have the least ability to challenge my findings, especially if my findings favor having you under observation. Your mother hasn't seen you in over ten years. That's sufficient time to block her admittance on grounds of abandonment. What are the capabilities of the girls after you?"
"Well, Akane's the weakest. She can't destroy more than four cinderblocks at a time, or create more than a six inch hole when punching a three inch thick wooden wall. Shampoo used to regularly destroy six foot by four foot segments of brick or stone walls. Ukyou carries a halibard sized spatula, a number of shuriken, and occasional explosives, but she's too well adjusted to go through walls, or attack normal people, so she wont be a problem. Oh yeah, There's Kodachi Kuno. She's not a fiancee, but behaves like one. Little upper body strength, but she carries an assortment of deadly weapons, and is prone to using gaseous poisons. She also has on retainer a semi-competent ninja."
"Perhaps we'd be better off just concealing where you'll be staying."
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Akane shows up to class with bandages applied over all of both her forearms. Ukyou walks up and asks Akane what happened. "I got into a fight with Ranma."
"You mean he actually hit you hard enough to bruise? And more than once?"
"Not exactly. He wrote on my arms with indellible ink."
"He's been acting really strange! Writing on you. Getting suspended from class. Telling me we are either friends or fiancees but not both."
"He said that to you?"
"He did. He said he was my friend, but as we were engaged, I wasn't his. Then he said we weren't engaged! Has he said anything about your engagement?"
"He hasn't refused it, but he throws it in my father's face constantly, and yesterday he tried to change it so that he could adopt me as his daughter!"
"Daughter?"
"Yes. Said that the Tendo-Saotome deal was to unite the two schools, and have a common heir. He offered to name me his heir as his eldest daughter."
"What are we going to do?"
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Mr. Yanagawa asks Ranma, "Now what shall we do about the constant fights?"
"Well, I'm not supposed to refuse a challenge. I'm just sick of being ambushed, and blaimed for everything that goes wrong around here."
"How about if we instigate a waiting period? A challenge must be made a day in advance, otherwise it's a violent attack?"
"You'll never get them to wait a day."
"The state has alot of power to bear. As long as we can differentiate between a challenge, and aggravated assault. But we have to inform people beforehand. Who are most likely to attack you, and where can they be found?"
"Well, there's Akane who lives at the dojo, and goes to my school. Tatewaki Kuno, who lives at the Kuno mansion, and attends my school. Ryouga Hibiki of no fixed abode or school, but who often lurks around the Tendo Dojo. My father ..."
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During a break between classes, Tatewaki Kuno corners Nabiki at her desk. "It has been days since I have seen my pigtailed goddess. You must tell me where to find her. Now that I have driven that foul cur Saotome from our fair school, I must free her at once."
"You drove him off? That's not the way I heard it."
"It is unfortunate that scandalous roumers have been passed around the school. I try to set an example to uplift the other students, but there's only so much that my angellic demeanor can do against baser human foibles."
"It's nice to see you have a new hobby. I don't know where your goddess is, and I'd advise you to avoid her for now, as she isn't behaving normally."
"Ahh, she must pine for my presence. How is she behaving?"
"Denying the existance of her family, and casting in the worst possible light whatever anyone says."
"Hmm. Sounds like my sister. She hasn't started dabbling in pharmacuticals, has she?"
"No, but there's a chance some might be prescribed for her shortly."