Jackie Chan Adventures Is NOT OWNED BY ME... OR ANYONE ELSE I KNOW... For
that matter, nor is Anything Goes, the Musical. Staying on that topic, nor
is Viagra, Uncle's favorite midnight snack. So don't sue.
Long time, no update? Well, long time, no computer. The magic $1000 number returns at Christmastime. Thanks to Demon-Uncle, whose site I visited frequently while on the 'net at the library, for sending a review more than six months ago - dang it's been that long? It's even been long enough for me to soften my views on you know who and you know what enough to allow him back into my story. So here we go!
The nine Oni Masks-of-Shadowkhan really didn't take that long to find. For that matter, nor did anything else - except Uncle's clothes. Where could they have gone?
El Toro was having quite the time dealing with the 9 oni-masks, who were all returned to their original bodies by the Great Pumpkin formerly known as Tarakudo the King of Shadowkhan. He really didn't want to fight all 9 tribes of Shadowkhan either, but since Jackie was once again stuck with Viper, and Tohru and Jade were trying to reclothe Uncle, there wasn't much else he could do. Trust Paco? Nahhhh - Paco could get distracted by just about anything, especially Giant Floating Pumpkins.
Ratso looked at his feet. He had flowers for Valmont, and he was gonna give them to him. This was his chance to prove that he was the best enforcer of them all and most suited to Valmont's heart. This was not to be this day, however, as The Great Pumpkin used his Psionic abilities to fly Ratso to his current location, along with Finn and Chow.
Tohru and Jade were having a tough go of it as well. Uncle had infiltrated Daolon Wong's castle and wrote his name in the snow that he had created just so he could do that. Daolon sent Gan, Ren, and Chui off to stop him, but NOTHING could stop him, or barely even contain him. Yes, this looked to be another one of Uncle's Viagra adventures...
Captain Black had his hands full as well. It seemed that someone had brought Jade's stupid GnomeKop toy to life and it was groping every single female it could find. Augustus took it and brought it to the Lucha Libre ring. The sight of Capt. Black relieved El Toro, but not for long enough. Things were looking a little brighter though, as El Toro managed to knock one of those Fat-o-khan on top of Gnomekop, utterly destroying him. Tarakudo seemed to be having his way with our heroes when Jackie knocked him into an onion field in his desperate quest to get away from a quite "playful" Viper. However, thanks to her skilled command of the Octopus-like- shadowkhan, Jackie couldn't get away for long.
Back on Valmont and Shendu's airliner, things weren't looking up. Hsi-Wu had been reformed, and he had returned. Unfortunately, instead of setting his sights on Jade, which would have been given slightly more approval, he set them on Valmont, just like the enforcers. Thankfully, the enforcers were too busy with Tarakudo to see what transpired between Shendu, Hsi-Wu, and that rich Englishman
"Well, my brother Shendu, I have returned" "Ah, good - are you Jade-free?" queried Shendu. "Indeed - but now I look for something better - something... richer..." Shendu stammered. "But no! I took over his body! That would be like incest!" "You tell 'im, Shendu, good boy" Valmont knew that Shendu couldn't hold him off forever. Hsi-Wu frowned. "I've gone through pedophilia already - let me make this number two!" That was NOT something Valmont needed to hear. Hsi- Wu then busted down Valmont's door.
Uncle still had no pants. He had Jade's undergarments - over his head. That was it. To make it worse, he was now in Pac Bell Park during a San Francisco Giants game. To make things more worse, Barry Bonds was up to bat going for his 755th, and record-tying, career home run. However, a naked 60- year old was more than poor Barry's heart could take, and he collapsed. He was fine at the hospital, but never played baseball again. If that wasn't bad enough, one of the people in attendance was Kim Jong Il, on a goodwill mission from North Korea. He also had a heart attack, and proceeded to order the nuking of Canada. If THAT wasn't bad enough, Michael Bolton had just released a new CD. Uncle, still clad in just his niece's undergarments, casually walked off the baseball field to a chorus of boos. Tohru and Jade had absolutely no idea where to go from here.
Finn, Ratso, and Chow were forced to work together by Tarakudo, and they didn't like it. They all knew of the others' lust for Valmont, and it just wasn't gonna be pretty. Tarakudo, the pumpkin that he was, would have none of it, however. He had the enforcers attack Jackie and Captain Black, but they stopped when a giant yellow light appeared in the sky. Jackie paused. "Is that Batman? Or is that... oh no..."
Sure enough, Uncle had gone from Pac Bell Park to the nearby lighthouse, and was making a complete fool of himself. Once he got home, Tohru was gonna make sure that Uncle's physician never, EVER prescribed Viagra for him AGAIN. Apparently, while up in the light house making Batman cringe, Uncle had claimed to discover the Naked Talisman, which was actually a talisman-sized Viagra, which no one knew the origins of. This was exactly what happened last time, up until Valmont's jet crashed into the lighthouse and everyone spilled inside.
"Well, well, well, if it isn't my good friend Val-ah-mont!" cried Uncle. Valmont, ever the homophobe (what with 5 guys chasing him), turned his tail and ran right into Hsi-Wu. Jade looked at Hsi-Wu and gave her trademark "Am I in trouble?" face, but Hsi-Wu just spat. He looked at her and proclaimed "Jade - you disgust me - only Valmont is right for me!" Uncle AIYA'd and Tohru fainted. Valmont jumped out the window, and landed on a jagged rock.
Unfortunately for Valmont, the current just happened to drag him to the Lucha Libre ring where Finn, Ratso, and Chow were. Chow was first over, checking to see if he was ok. He was, until he saw the three people standing over him. It would have been fine, actually, if the Great Pumpkin hadn't have turned around and put him in his sights too. Valmont thought to himself "It sucks to be rich and English - it really does."
"It never ends," thought Jackie to himself as he used one of the two chi- spells that he had ever heard Uncle say. The spell banished the Shadowkhan for 12 hours. Until then, he was safe to go home and most likely get molested by Viper in his sleep. She sure wasn't a thief anymore, but she sure was a kinky person nonetheless. Thankfully, the message on his cell phone told him that Uncle had been subdued and de-viagrized, but not before Hsi-Wu had lost his tail, and Tso Lan had his "mastery of gravity" one- upped. Tomorrow, Jackie thought, would be the day that he finally murdered his niece and uncle.
Finn, Ratso, Chow, Hsi-Wu, and Tarakudo all were laying in their beds. They were all dreaming about Valmont. Valmont was laying in his bed, thinking of a harem - with no enforcers. It was a good dream - but tomorrow, it wouldn't be a good reality.
Is Jackie really gonna do it? Who will win Valmont's hand in marriage? Will it be six months before another update? Will you read and review? What is the airspeed velocity of - nevermind.
Long time, no update? Well, long time, no computer. The magic $1000 number returns at Christmastime. Thanks to Demon-Uncle, whose site I visited frequently while on the 'net at the library, for sending a review more than six months ago - dang it's been that long? It's even been long enough for me to soften my views on you know who and you know what enough to allow him back into my story. So here we go!
The nine Oni Masks-of-Shadowkhan really didn't take that long to find. For that matter, nor did anything else - except Uncle's clothes. Where could they have gone?
El Toro was having quite the time dealing with the 9 oni-masks, who were all returned to their original bodies by the Great Pumpkin formerly known as Tarakudo the King of Shadowkhan. He really didn't want to fight all 9 tribes of Shadowkhan either, but since Jackie was once again stuck with Viper, and Tohru and Jade were trying to reclothe Uncle, there wasn't much else he could do. Trust Paco? Nahhhh - Paco could get distracted by just about anything, especially Giant Floating Pumpkins.
Ratso looked at his feet. He had flowers for Valmont, and he was gonna give them to him. This was his chance to prove that he was the best enforcer of them all and most suited to Valmont's heart. This was not to be this day, however, as The Great Pumpkin used his Psionic abilities to fly Ratso to his current location, along with Finn and Chow.
Tohru and Jade were having a tough go of it as well. Uncle had infiltrated Daolon Wong's castle and wrote his name in the snow that he had created just so he could do that. Daolon sent Gan, Ren, and Chui off to stop him, but NOTHING could stop him, or barely even contain him. Yes, this looked to be another one of Uncle's Viagra adventures...
Captain Black had his hands full as well. It seemed that someone had brought Jade's stupid GnomeKop toy to life and it was groping every single female it could find. Augustus took it and brought it to the Lucha Libre ring. The sight of Capt. Black relieved El Toro, but not for long enough. Things were looking a little brighter though, as El Toro managed to knock one of those Fat-o-khan on top of Gnomekop, utterly destroying him. Tarakudo seemed to be having his way with our heroes when Jackie knocked him into an onion field in his desperate quest to get away from a quite "playful" Viper. However, thanks to her skilled command of the Octopus-like- shadowkhan, Jackie couldn't get away for long.
Back on Valmont and Shendu's airliner, things weren't looking up. Hsi-Wu had been reformed, and he had returned. Unfortunately, instead of setting his sights on Jade, which would have been given slightly more approval, he set them on Valmont, just like the enforcers. Thankfully, the enforcers were too busy with Tarakudo to see what transpired between Shendu, Hsi-Wu, and that rich Englishman
"Well, my brother Shendu, I have returned" "Ah, good - are you Jade-free?" queried Shendu. "Indeed - but now I look for something better - something... richer..." Shendu stammered. "But no! I took over his body! That would be like incest!" "You tell 'im, Shendu, good boy" Valmont knew that Shendu couldn't hold him off forever. Hsi-Wu frowned. "I've gone through pedophilia already - let me make this number two!" That was NOT something Valmont needed to hear. Hsi- Wu then busted down Valmont's door.
Uncle still had no pants. He had Jade's undergarments - over his head. That was it. To make it worse, he was now in Pac Bell Park during a San Francisco Giants game. To make things more worse, Barry Bonds was up to bat going for his 755th, and record-tying, career home run. However, a naked 60- year old was more than poor Barry's heart could take, and he collapsed. He was fine at the hospital, but never played baseball again. If that wasn't bad enough, one of the people in attendance was Kim Jong Il, on a goodwill mission from North Korea. He also had a heart attack, and proceeded to order the nuking of Canada. If THAT wasn't bad enough, Michael Bolton had just released a new CD. Uncle, still clad in just his niece's undergarments, casually walked off the baseball field to a chorus of boos. Tohru and Jade had absolutely no idea where to go from here.
Finn, Ratso, and Chow were forced to work together by Tarakudo, and they didn't like it. They all knew of the others' lust for Valmont, and it just wasn't gonna be pretty. Tarakudo, the pumpkin that he was, would have none of it, however. He had the enforcers attack Jackie and Captain Black, but they stopped when a giant yellow light appeared in the sky. Jackie paused. "Is that Batman? Or is that... oh no..."
Sure enough, Uncle had gone from Pac Bell Park to the nearby lighthouse, and was making a complete fool of himself. Once he got home, Tohru was gonna make sure that Uncle's physician never, EVER prescribed Viagra for him AGAIN. Apparently, while up in the light house making Batman cringe, Uncle had claimed to discover the Naked Talisman, which was actually a talisman-sized Viagra, which no one knew the origins of. This was exactly what happened last time, up until Valmont's jet crashed into the lighthouse and everyone spilled inside.
"Well, well, well, if it isn't my good friend Val-ah-mont!" cried Uncle. Valmont, ever the homophobe (what with 5 guys chasing him), turned his tail and ran right into Hsi-Wu. Jade looked at Hsi-Wu and gave her trademark "Am I in trouble?" face, but Hsi-Wu just spat. He looked at her and proclaimed "Jade - you disgust me - only Valmont is right for me!" Uncle AIYA'd and Tohru fainted. Valmont jumped out the window, and landed on a jagged rock.
Unfortunately for Valmont, the current just happened to drag him to the Lucha Libre ring where Finn, Ratso, and Chow were. Chow was first over, checking to see if he was ok. He was, until he saw the three people standing over him. It would have been fine, actually, if the Great Pumpkin hadn't have turned around and put him in his sights too. Valmont thought to himself "It sucks to be rich and English - it really does."
"It never ends," thought Jackie to himself as he used one of the two chi- spells that he had ever heard Uncle say. The spell banished the Shadowkhan for 12 hours. Until then, he was safe to go home and most likely get molested by Viper in his sleep. She sure wasn't a thief anymore, but she sure was a kinky person nonetheless. Thankfully, the message on his cell phone told him that Uncle had been subdued and de-viagrized, but not before Hsi-Wu had lost his tail, and Tso Lan had his "mastery of gravity" one- upped. Tomorrow, Jackie thought, would be the day that he finally murdered his niece and uncle.
Finn, Ratso, Chow, Hsi-Wu, and Tarakudo all were laying in their beds. They were all dreaming about Valmont. Valmont was laying in his bed, thinking of a harem - with no enforcers. It was a good dream - but tomorrow, it wouldn't be a good reality.
Is Jackie really gonna do it? Who will win Valmont's hand in marriage? Will it be six months before another update? Will you read and review? What is the airspeed velocity of - nevermind.