I do not own Jackie Chan Adventures. I do not own the Montreal Expos (yeah,
I'm just about the only one.) I do not own Sorcerer Hunters. I do not own
Celebrity Jeopardy. If I did own any of these, I'd have a lot more
deductions for my tax report - you know, if I had one in the first place.
It was a long trip back from Hong Kong Moose World, and everyone stayed silent. Everyone knew that Uncle would have to explain himself when he got home, and explain himself he would. Jackie really wanted to know how Uncle had A) Destroyed several machines, and B) Found his way into a pretty princess' outfit that was clearly six sizes too small. Jade was bitter that she would not be allowed to attend Hong Kong Moose world until she was 35, thanks to her uncle. Captain Black had his coffee, so he really didn't care.
Jade was the first to speak up. "Hey - why don't we play the license plate game?" she asked, forcing a smile and laugh. "I'll start - look over there - it's California 777-777!" Feeling grateful that at least Jade could muster a smile, Jackie went along. "And there's one that says MUN-K33! I wonder who that could belong to?" Unfortunately for Jackie, it belonged to the dreaded Monkey King, who proceeded to slash the tires on the car and leave everyone stranded on the side of the road. Thankfully, it was only about a mile to their house, so they could walk home. However, Uncle had other plans first.
"AAAAAIYYYAH! Princess outfit not suited for Uncle! How did Uncle get in princess outfit? Jackiiiiiiiiiiiie! You did this, didn't you! You made fun of your poor Un-cle! AAIYAH! Uncle needs to use rest-rooooom! Jackie!!! What did you do with rest-roooom?" Jackie sighed. Uncle needed to hold it for another 10 or 15 minutes until they were home. This wasn't to be the case, however, as Uncle sped into the woods.
Jackie decided he had gotten tired of being a good nephew and got a cab home with the others. When they arrived home, they were shocked to see that Uncle had A) Gotten better, B) Gotten there before them, and C) Got on the news in between. Apparently, a parade was going on through the other side of the woods, and Uncle, still in princess getup, somehow managed to get in the lead of the parade. He then proceeded to take out the entire marching band, and began to improvise madly on the trumpet, for all to see. Now Jackie not only needed one explanation, he needed two.
"Uncle?" he started, "Exactly what happened at the Hong Kong Moose World Fairy Tale Village that got you to GO INSANE?" Uncle sniffed. "Machine look at Uncle funny, so Uncle give machine a PIECE OF UN-CLE!" Jackie didn't like this explanation, so he countered. "How did a machine look at you funny, Uncle? IT'S A MACHINE!" Uncle changed his story. "Machine was full of DARK MAGIC!" This explanation didn't suit Jackie's tastes either.
"Maybe he was just a little rowdy, that's all?" came a voice from the kitchen. Jackie knew who it belonged to, and he wasn't happy. "What are you doing here, thief?" he demanded. "Ex-thief, darling." responded Viper, now in the doorway. Unlike Jackie, Jade was very happy to see her. "Hiya, auntie Viper!" she squealed with joy. Why Jade called her "auntie Viper" was not something Jackie wanted to find out anytime soon, though he had a feeling it had to do with the upcoming trip to Las Vegas sponsored by Section 13. Less than a minute later, the doorbell rang again. It was El Toro and Paco. Well... El Toro and a stuffed mannequin that looked like Paco. El Toro knew that Uncle and Jade were never very kind to Paco, and after what Uncle had done recently, he was not going to let Paco come within 1000 feet of the Chi Wizard. Viper interrupted again. "I'm going to go clean up now - wanna watch, Jackie-chan?" "Jackie-chan" Chan simply responded "No. I have better things to do.", which elicited a "I don't have better things to do!" from Uncle, who was restrained by El Toro.
However, someone really did want to watch Viper "clean up". This person was intently staring at his crystal ball, waiting for the moment of truth. She was walking into the bathroom, undoing her bathrobe. It was almost totally off now - just three more seconds. Just -
"HEY BIG D!" The image on the crystal ball faded one second too early. Daolon Wong had been foiled by his own henchmen, and began to cry. "Hey, Big D" repeated Gan. "What's wrong?" Daolon Wong sniffled, knowing that he'd have to wait another day to get his fix of Viper. The sad thing was, this happened at the same time every single day. Daolon Wong's enforcers always seemed to screw things up, just like Valmont's enforcers. Daolon was glad about one thing. He was sure that Gan, Ren, and Chui didn't feel the same way about him that Finn, Ratso, and Chow felt about Valmont. He was sure about that, wasn't he?
Daolon Wong needed to get the enforcers out of his room. "Be gone! I'm researching... um... powerful Dark Chi magic spells! That's it! Now be gone before I... destroy you all!" The enforcers left in a hurry. Now Daolon could get back to watching Viper. Or not, seeing as the second he reactivated his crystal ball, she had already finished "cleaning up" and had left the bathroom. The next thing the enforcers heard was "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
A man walked into Uncle's shop. He was looking for an antique to get his wife, so he sought the advice of Uncle at the front desk. Jackie was standing by in case Uncle made any rash decisions. Knowing Uncle, he did. When the man asked for something romantic, Uncle pointed out the "Antique Erotic Uncle Action Figure", which, naturally, was a terrible seller. Jackie pointed to a beautiful vase on the third shelf. The man agreed with him, and Jade agreed to retrieve it. Unfortunately for Jade, she tripped off the shelf, broke the vase, and decapitated the "Antique Erotic Uncle Action Figure, now with removable clothing!" Uncle was shocked. He started screaming about how all his chi was stored in that "Antique Erotic Uncle Action Figure with removable clothing and dominatrix-whip-just-like-in-real- life". Uncle continued his screaming. "I'm melt-ing! Mellllllllting!"
Uncle wasn't melting, but somehow, his clothes had melted off his body. He rushed into the street. Once again, Uncle was up to his old college tricks, except this time, he was 60 years old. All Jackie could hear was "AIYA"s, the screeching of car brakes, and women screaming and telling their children not to look. Jackie turned and smiled at the man again. "We can give you this - for free." He pointed at his niece, but the man thought he was pointing at a VERY expensive vase on the bottom shelf, so he took it and left, just as Tohru walked downstairs. He paused, and looked at Jackie, very confused. "Um... why did you just sell Uncle's explosive priceless ming vase to Bill Clinton?" Jackie gulped. "Oops."
A group of bad guys had been trying to get that exploding vase for days. Naturally, this group was Finn, Ratso, and Chow. They figured that whoever got the vase to Valmont would be the one to get Valmont's heart back in return. The three of them mugged Bill Clinton and stole his vase. They decided to play Rock Paper Scissors for it. It was pretty even until Uncle streaked by on top of a bus, causing Finn to drop the vase on the ground, making it explode and sending everyone off into the distance.
Hsi-Wu was flying around the city, thinking to himself. Sure, Jade was a cute kid and all, but she was no Valmont. He was so engrossed in thought that he didn't even notice the group of men flying through the sky until they hit him and sent him all the way to Valmont's headquarters, just where he wanted to be, but where Valmont didn't want him.
"Why, Hsi-Wu, how good to see you.", Valmont sneered with sarcasm. Of all the dragons he could have ended up in the same room with, it had to be this one. He even would have preferred Bai-Tza pretending to be his bath water again. Well, maybe he wouldn't. Okay, he definitely wouldn't, but he still didn't want Hsi-Wu in his presence. Hsi-Wu looked down at Valmont and handed him some flowers, and flew off. Maybe one day Valmont would be his. Valmont did think they were pretty flowers - until Uncle streaked by and they magically wilted. Five seconds later, Jackie ran by trying to catch him. Then he was crushed by the enforcers. Bill Clinton was the first to get up, and he walked into Valmont's office. "Hey", he asked. "Wanna be my intern?"
Will Jackie catch Uncle? Will someone ever win Valmont's affections? Will Daolon Wong ever get to see Viper take a bath? Where does Bill Clinton factor into this? Find out the answers to anywhere from none to all of these questions in chapter 5 of The Arbitrarily Random Misadventures of Uncle Chan!
It was a long trip back from Hong Kong Moose World, and everyone stayed silent. Everyone knew that Uncle would have to explain himself when he got home, and explain himself he would. Jackie really wanted to know how Uncle had A) Destroyed several machines, and B) Found his way into a pretty princess' outfit that was clearly six sizes too small. Jade was bitter that she would not be allowed to attend Hong Kong Moose world until she was 35, thanks to her uncle. Captain Black had his coffee, so he really didn't care.
Jade was the first to speak up. "Hey - why don't we play the license plate game?" she asked, forcing a smile and laugh. "I'll start - look over there - it's California 777-777!" Feeling grateful that at least Jade could muster a smile, Jackie went along. "And there's one that says MUN-K33! I wonder who that could belong to?" Unfortunately for Jackie, it belonged to the dreaded Monkey King, who proceeded to slash the tires on the car and leave everyone stranded on the side of the road. Thankfully, it was only about a mile to their house, so they could walk home. However, Uncle had other plans first.
"AAAAAIYYYAH! Princess outfit not suited for Uncle! How did Uncle get in princess outfit? Jackiiiiiiiiiiiie! You did this, didn't you! You made fun of your poor Un-cle! AAIYAH! Uncle needs to use rest-rooooom! Jackie!!! What did you do with rest-roooom?" Jackie sighed. Uncle needed to hold it for another 10 or 15 minutes until they were home. This wasn't to be the case, however, as Uncle sped into the woods.
Jackie decided he had gotten tired of being a good nephew and got a cab home with the others. When they arrived home, they were shocked to see that Uncle had A) Gotten better, B) Gotten there before them, and C) Got on the news in between. Apparently, a parade was going on through the other side of the woods, and Uncle, still in princess getup, somehow managed to get in the lead of the parade. He then proceeded to take out the entire marching band, and began to improvise madly on the trumpet, for all to see. Now Jackie not only needed one explanation, he needed two.
"Uncle?" he started, "Exactly what happened at the Hong Kong Moose World Fairy Tale Village that got you to GO INSANE?" Uncle sniffed. "Machine look at Uncle funny, so Uncle give machine a PIECE OF UN-CLE!" Jackie didn't like this explanation, so he countered. "How did a machine look at you funny, Uncle? IT'S A MACHINE!" Uncle changed his story. "Machine was full of DARK MAGIC!" This explanation didn't suit Jackie's tastes either.
"Maybe he was just a little rowdy, that's all?" came a voice from the kitchen. Jackie knew who it belonged to, and he wasn't happy. "What are you doing here, thief?" he demanded. "Ex-thief, darling." responded Viper, now in the doorway. Unlike Jackie, Jade was very happy to see her. "Hiya, auntie Viper!" she squealed with joy. Why Jade called her "auntie Viper" was not something Jackie wanted to find out anytime soon, though he had a feeling it had to do with the upcoming trip to Las Vegas sponsored by Section 13. Less than a minute later, the doorbell rang again. It was El Toro and Paco. Well... El Toro and a stuffed mannequin that looked like Paco. El Toro knew that Uncle and Jade were never very kind to Paco, and after what Uncle had done recently, he was not going to let Paco come within 1000 feet of the Chi Wizard. Viper interrupted again. "I'm going to go clean up now - wanna watch, Jackie-chan?" "Jackie-chan" Chan simply responded "No. I have better things to do.", which elicited a "I don't have better things to do!" from Uncle, who was restrained by El Toro.
However, someone really did want to watch Viper "clean up". This person was intently staring at his crystal ball, waiting for the moment of truth. She was walking into the bathroom, undoing her bathrobe. It was almost totally off now - just three more seconds. Just -
"HEY BIG D!" The image on the crystal ball faded one second too early. Daolon Wong had been foiled by his own henchmen, and began to cry. "Hey, Big D" repeated Gan. "What's wrong?" Daolon Wong sniffled, knowing that he'd have to wait another day to get his fix of Viper. The sad thing was, this happened at the same time every single day. Daolon Wong's enforcers always seemed to screw things up, just like Valmont's enforcers. Daolon was glad about one thing. He was sure that Gan, Ren, and Chui didn't feel the same way about him that Finn, Ratso, and Chow felt about Valmont. He was sure about that, wasn't he?
Daolon Wong needed to get the enforcers out of his room. "Be gone! I'm researching... um... powerful Dark Chi magic spells! That's it! Now be gone before I... destroy you all!" The enforcers left in a hurry. Now Daolon could get back to watching Viper. Or not, seeing as the second he reactivated his crystal ball, she had already finished "cleaning up" and had left the bathroom. The next thing the enforcers heard was "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
A man walked into Uncle's shop. He was looking for an antique to get his wife, so he sought the advice of Uncle at the front desk. Jackie was standing by in case Uncle made any rash decisions. Knowing Uncle, he did. When the man asked for something romantic, Uncle pointed out the "Antique Erotic Uncle Action Figure", which, naturally, was a terrible seller. Jackie pointed to a beautiful vase on the third shelf. The man agreed with him, and Jade agreed to retrieve it. Unfortunately for Jade, she tripped off the shelf, broke the vase, and decapitated the "Antique Erotic Uncle Action Figure, now with removable clothing!" Uncle was shocked. He started screaming about how all his chi was stored in that "Antique Erotic Uncle Action Figure with removable clothing and dominatrix-whip-just-like-in-real- life". Uncle continued his screaming. "I'm melt-ing! Mellllllllting!"
Uncle wasn't melting, but somehow, his clothes had melted off his body. He rushed into the street. Once again, Uncle was up to his old college tricks, except this time, he was 60 years old. All Jackie could hear was "AIYA"s, the screeching of car brakes, and women screaming and telling their children not to look. Jackie turned and smiled at the man again. "We can give you this - for free." He pointed at his niece, but the man thought he was pointing at a VERY expensive vase on the bottom shelf, so he took it and left, just as Tohru walked downstairs. He paused, and looked at Jackie, very confused. "Um... why did you just sell Uncle's explosive priceless ming vase to Bill Clinton?" Jackie gulped. "Oops."
A group of bad guys had been trying to get that exploding vase for days. Naturally, this group was Finn, Ratso, and Chow. They figured that whoever got the vase to Valmont would be the one to get Valmont's heart back in return. The three of them mugged Bill Clinton and stole his vase. They decided to play Rock Paper Scissors for it. It was pretty even until Uncle streaked by on top of a bus, causing Finn to drop the vase on the ground, making it explode and sending everyone off into the distance.
Hsi-Wu was flying around the city, thinking to himself. Sure, Jade was a cute kid and all, but she was no Valmont. He was so engrossed in thought that he didn't even notice the group of men flying through the sky until they hit him and sent him all the way to Valmont's headquarters, just where he wanted to be, but where Valmont didn't want him.
"Why, Hsi-Wu, how good to see you.", Valmont sneered with sarcasm. Of all the dragons he could have ended up in the same room with, it had to be this one. He even would have preferred Bai-Tza pretending to be his bath water again. Well, maybe he wouldn't. Okay, he definitely wouldn't, but he still didn't want Hsi-Wu in his presence. Hsi-Wu looked down at Valmont and handed him some flowers, and flew off. Maybe one day Valmont would be his. Valmont did think they were pretty flowers - until Uncle streaked by and they magically wilted. Five seconds later, Jackie ran by trying to catch him. Then he was crushed by the enforcers. Bill Clinton was the first to get up, and he walked into Valmont's office. "Hey", he asked. "Wanna be my intern?"
Will Jackie catch Uncle? Will someone ever win Valmont's affections? Will Daolon Wong ever get to see Viper take a bath? Where does Bill Clinton factor into this? Find out the answers to anywhere from none to all of these questions in chapter 5 of The Arbitrarily Random Misadventures of Uncle Chan!