Ah yes - the annual disclaimer. I don't own Jackie Chan Adventures. It gets
harder and harder to create another disclaimer for each chapter. Somehow
I'll manage. Maybe not this time, but in the future. Just remember that I
don't own Jackie Chan Adventures. Or any of the talismans. Or any of the
Oni Masks.
A/N: Now see me at Voice* - Last time, on Jackie Chan Adventures! Uncle had taken in
a bottle of Viagra and had the last Oni Mask attached to his rear end. He
was heading towards section 13, where we cornered him.
*Normal Voice* - Uncle was backed up against the wall. His pills weren't exactly taking effect - or were they? All of a sudden, Uncle's arms of all things went up like Frankenstein and he started calling for brains. He looked in Jade's ear and continued his search for brains. His mannerisms scared all of the J-Team away, until Jackie realized what he was up to. By then, it was too late, and Uncle had breached section 13.
Uncle's rear end was guiding him to the masks of the Oni. Once he made it there, the mask separated itself from him, and he was incredibly disappointed. The rest of the JCA cast arrived just in time to see the masks lift off the wall and spin around in a circle. A giant pillar of shadow appeared in the center of the circle, and the Oni Generals stepped out of it, one by one. Tarakudo was the last to step out of the circle, and was pretty amazed to find that he had a body. He looked over at Valmont.
"Hey, Big V - what d'you say? Quite the hot bod, isn't it?" Valmont just shuddered. He turned to Hak Foo. "He's freaking red! A red-skinned demon!" Tarakudo heard him, "Now, now, big V, that is your name for the reasons I think, right? *Wink* But I digress. Skin color shouldn't matter in this example - all that matters is that we care about each other!"
Valmont turned a shade of red similar to Tarakudo's. "Um... how long have we cared about each other?" Tarakudo was obviously not pleased by this answer. He was about to respond to that when the Seventh Oni General, the one whose face Valmont previously wore, pushed him aside. He looked at Valmont. "He had my face. He had me inside of him. He is mine!" Just about everyone in the room was taken aback by this statement - and Valmont looked especially sick. He only got sicker when the Second, Fourth, and Fifth Oni Generals (namely the one Ratso wore, the one Captain Black wore, and the one Finn's rear wore (a.k.a. Ikazuki)) began dancing all over section 13 in an incredibly "attempt-at-seduction-but-not-at-all-seductive" way. Shendu's eyes were the size of dinner plates, and Po Kong's eyes were the size of Shendu. Daolon Wong couldn't teleport himself out of there fast enough.
Uncle was not happy that the attention was not on him. Jackie was unhappier that Viper was on him. Jade had just knocked out 7 of Paco's teeth. Only one of the three did anything about it. Uncle put his pants around his ankles, hoisted Valmont over his shoulder, and ran out of section 13 as fast as he could. With the love interest of a good 15 percent of the cast of Jackie Chan Adventures in his possession, he would be the center of attention for sure.
Uncle forgot how fast a love-struck Dragon-Demon sorcerer could travel. Seconds after hitting main street, he found himself face-to-ugly face with Hsi Wu, the sky demon / pedophile. Hsi Wu demanded the release of his own Valmont, but he wasn't gonna get it. Uncle had packed several things in his boxers for an escape route, and he pulled out lipstick. He spread it all over his lips and gave Hsi-Wu a big wet one. Valmont could only look on in shock and disgust as Uncle pulled two other things out of his boxers. The monkey talisman and his snake... talisman. He turned invisible and turned Valmont into a kitty (to the adoration of female fans everywhere). Uncle then hiked back to section 13 with kitty-Valmont in tow.
Before he could go after Valmont, Tarakudo had to deal with his oni- generals. The provacative dancing ones from earlier had invaded the seedy side of San Fran and were disgusting everyone in sight. Big T could really use that senile guy's chi-spell right about now. The only way he knew how to get the attention of oni generals was with beef jerky, and for some reason, he had that in spades. He held it out and brought the generals towards him, where he knocked them all unconscious and put them in sarcophaguses. He then buried them 60 feet underground. That was the end of them. (As expected, it wasn't). Tarakudo then used his mental powers to search for Valmont. All his senses were picking up was a kitty, so he ignored them, thinking love was making his brain go awry.
Once Uncle got in his car, he turned Valmont into a human again and drove off on to the freeway. Valmont had absolutely no idea what was happening. "Old man, what in the blue smurf are you doing, and where are you taking me?" Uncle didn't answer, but the look on his face said something was wrong. Valmont turned around to see the Oni-General Mobile, with Tarakudo at the helm, following them. A perfect time for the policeman to pull him over for speeding. Tarakudo pulled over as well, and it looked like a fight was going to ensue.
Or was it? Uncle grabbed Valmont and removed the rabbit talisman from his boxers. He sped off at about 220 miles an hour and got back to the shop within minutes, where Jackie, Viper, and Jade were waiting for him. Valmont asked to be excused, and went to the bathroom. Vomiting continued for the next 20 minutes. He looked to be okay - until he went for the soap dispenser. Instead of soap, he got shadows. He knew where this was going, but it was too late. He was cornered in Jackie Chan's bathroom with the Seventh Oni General. He did the only thing he could - scream like a little girl.
Uncle barged into the bathroom. He was wearing a skintight blue jumpsuit. Most definitely Viper's. To Jackie, this meant Viper was walking around somewhere scantily dressed - whether it be of Uncle's doing or her own, he didn't care to know. He did know, however, that she was eventually going to find him, and he knew that the moment was when he got tapped on the shoulder and heard "Hey, handsome." He didn't turn around.
Uncle took on the 7th Oni General by himself. Somehow, Viper's clothing granted Uncle the same maneuverability it granted Viper. That included splits. He repeatedly whooped on the general before tossing him out the window. Valmont was safe - relatively - for now. Uncle still relished having Valmont in his possession, and Valmont was just glad that it wasn't Hsi-Wu.
The doorbell rang. It was the enforcers. Ratso spoke up. "I - er.. We want Valmont, and we know that you guys have him!" Jackie frowned. "I really don't care, but if we do have him, Uncle's got him, and messing with Uncle isn't smart." The enforcers didn't care. They had all agreed to team up until Valmont was theirs again - except Hak Foo, who sat on his bed reading girlie magazines. Until - that is, he spotted Tarakudo in one of them. That was not a pretty sight. Especially when it came out of the magazine and took Hak Foo with him.
Daolon Wong sat by his meditation pot, uttering his dark chi spells, expecting to see Viper in the bathtub. He was unpleasantly surprised to see Jade... and his enforcers? Gan, Ren, and Chui were playfully giving the 7- year-old (she's officially 7) a bath - and Daolon was mighty irritated. He turned his attention to the next room, where Valmont was stuck with Uncle. Daolon was relieved. It was better than the last time he had checked on Uncle, who at that time had made a chi-spell to give himself a D-cup. Much better.
Uncle needed to make news again. He needed something. His acts of putting on women's clothing or just no clothing at all were getting stale fast. There had to be something that he could pull off after Valmont had been taken from his clutches through the actions of his nephew. He had it. An idea. He whispered it to Valmont, who screamed immediately. Whatever it was - it was not pleasant. Not at all.
Uncle also decided to let Valmont go. Not just to anyone, but to the highest bidder. He made an announcement, and got the public TV go ahead - but he was going head to head with Survivor. Valmont was not too pleased about being merchandise in an auction - especially one that could be won by Hsi-Wu, Tarakudo, or Finn. Especially not Finn.
The stage was set for the auction. The starting point for Valmont was 60 dollars. Someone had to win the guy, and it really didn't matter to Uncle who did it. The first bid came in after 28 seconds. 65 dollars - from Finnhalen. Valmont grimaced. He was not going to Finn, even if his life depended on it. The next bid came in. 72 dollars, from GreatPumpkin. Obviously Tarakudo. Not exactly Valmont's favorite either. Finnhalen responded with 76 dollars, and was topped by Jadesex (pronounced Jade's ex, you pervs) at 80 dollars. That was someone else Big V didn't want to see in the near future.
The next bid was 83 dollars, from the 7th Oni General, who creatively chose the screen name of OniGeneral7. Ratso was up next with 91 dollars as HornedKing, and the bidding continued. The price had reached all the way up to 157,000 dollars when another bidder appeared - the Monkey King, at 157,500. Valmont had absolutely no idea who the monkey king was, but he figured it wasn't good. Finnhalen drove the price up to 158,000, and there were then only 10 minutes left in the auction. For some reason, Valmont was strapped to a table throughout the entire thing. The last bid was placed at 175,000 dollars. The winner of the bid was... Bartholomew Chang? What did he want with Valmont?
Chang came by the next day to accept his prize. He paid Uncle the $175,000 and left with Valmont. He was probably mauled by Tarakudo on the way home, but Uncle didn't care. He had the money he needed. He called Jackie. "Jaaackie! Uncle has money to take private charter on vacation! You make sure someone watches shop while Uncle is gone!" Jackie frowned. "Um... Uncle? May I ask where you are going?" Uncle happily responded. "Austrail- aiya!" Jackie continued to frown, and hung up. What was Uncle planning to do in Australia? Find his way into a marsupial's pouch? Check for the Coriolis (water-spinning) effect in 35,000 toilets? Bring a non endemic animal into the country? He was really worried.
Jade sighed, and then started whining. "Oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I wanna go to Austrailia! I've never been there! I wanna go!" Jackie silenced her. "Yes you have! You went there with us when we stopped Shendu from messing with the Book of..." he stopped, and then his eyes grew wide. "You've gotta be kidding me."
Is Uncle going to Austrailia for the Book of Ages? Or is he just going there to cause havoc? Maybe a little bit of both? Find out in chapter 7 of the Arbitrarily Random Misadventures of Uncle Chan!
*Normal Voice* - Uncle was backed up against the wall. His pills weren't exactly taking effect - or were they? All of a sudden, Uncle's arms of all things went up like Frankenstein and he started calling for brains. He looked in Jade's ear and continued his search for brains. His mannerisms scared all of the J-Team away, until Jackie realized what he was up to. By then, it was too late, and Uncle had breached section 13.
Uncle's rear end was guiding him to the masks of the Oni. Once he made it there, the mask separated itself from him, and he was incredibly disappointed. The rest of the JCA cast arrived just in time to see the masks lift off the wall and spin around in a circle. A giant pillar of shadow appeared in the center of the circle, and the Oni Generals stepped out of it, one by one. Tarakudo was the last to step out of the circle, and was pretty amazed to find that he had a body. He looked over at Valmont.
"Hey, Big V - what d'you say? Quite the hot bod, isn't it?" Valmont just shuddered. He turned to Hak Foo. "He's freaking red! A red-skinned demon!" Tarakudo heard him, "Now, now, big V, that is your name for the reasons I think, right? *Wink* But I digress. Skin color shouldn't matter in this example - all that matters is that we care about each other!"
Valmont turned a shade of red similar to Tarakudo's. "Um... how long have we cared about each other?" Tarakudo was obviously not pleased by this answer. He was about to respond to that when the Seventh Oni General, the one whose face Valmont previously wore, pushed him aside. He looked at Valmont. "He had my face. He had me inside of him. He is mine!" Just about everyone in the room was taken aback by this statement - and Valmont looked especially sick. He only got sicker when the Second, Fourth, and Fifth Oni Generals (namely the one Ratso wore, the one Captain Black wore, and the one Finn's rear wore (a.k.a. Ikazuki)) began dancing all over section 13 in an incredibly "attempt-at-seduction-but-not-at-all-seductive" way. Shendu's eyes were the size of dinner plates, and Po Kong's eyes were the size of Shendu. Daolon Wong couldn't teleport himself out of there fast enough.
Uncle was not happy that the attention was not on him. Jackie was unhappier that Viper was on him. Jade had just knocked out 7 of Paco's teeth. Only one of the three did anything about it. Uncle put his pants around his ankles, hoisted Valmont over his shoulder, and ran out of section 13 as fast as he could. With the love interest of a good 15 percent of the cast of Jackie Chan Adventures in his possession, he would be the center of attention for sure.
Uncle forgot how fast a love-struck Dragon-Demon sorcerer could travel. Seconds after hitting main street, he found himself face-to-ugly face with Hsi Wu, the sky demon / pedophile. Hsi Wu demanded the release of his own Valmont, but he wasn't gonna get it. Uncle had packed several things in his boxers for an escape route, and he pulled out lipstick. He spread it all over his lips and gave Hsi-Wu a big wet one. Valmont could only look on in shock and disgust as Uncle pulled two other things out of his boxers. The monkey talisman and his snake... talisman. He turned invisible and turned Valmont into a kitty (to the adoration of female fans everywhere). Uncle then hiked back to section 13 with kitty-Valmont in tow.
Before he could go after Valmont, Tarakudo had to deal with his oni- generals. The provacative dancing ones from earlier had invaded the seedy side of San Fran and were disgusting everyone in sight. Big T could really use that senile guy's chi-spell right about now. The only way he knew how to get the attention of oni generals was with beef jerky, and for some reason, he had that in spades. He held it out and brought the generals towards him, where he knocked them all unconscious and put them in sarcophaguses. He then buried them 60 feet underground. That was the end of them. (As expected, it wasn't). Tarakudo then used his mental powers to search for Valmont. All his senses were picking up was a kitty, so he ignored them, thinking love was making his brain go awry.
Once Uncle got in his car, he turned Valmont into a human again and drove off on to the freeway. Valmont had absolutely no idea what was happening. "Old man, what in the blue smurf are you doing, and where are you taking me?" Uncle didn't answer, but the look on his face said something was wrong. Valmont turned around to see the Oni-General Mobile, with Tarakudo at the helm, following them. A perfect time for the policeman to pull him over for speeding. Tarakudo pulled over as well, and it looked like a fight was going to ensue.
Or was it? Uncle grabbed Valmont and removed the rabbit talisman from his boxers. He sped off at about 220 miles an hour and got back to the shop within minutes, where Jackie, Viper, and Jade were waiting for him. Valmont asked to be excused, and went to the bathroom. Vomiting continued for the next 20 minutes. He looked to be okay - until he went for the soap dispenser. Instead of soap, he got shadows. He knew where this was going, but it was too late. He was cornered in Jackie Chan's bathroom with the Seventh Oni General. He did the only thing he could - scream like a little girl.
Uncle barged into the bathroom. He was wearing a skintight blue jumpsuit. Most definitely Viper's. To Jackie, this meant Viper was walking around somewhere scantily dressed - whether it be of Uncle's doing or her own, he didn't care to know. He did know, however, that she was eventually going to find him, and he knew that the moment was when he got tapped on the shoulder and heard "Hey, handsome." He didn't turn around.
Uncle took on the 7th Oni General by himself. Somehow, Viper's clothing granted Uncle the same maneuverability it granted Viper. That included splits. He repeatedly whooped on the general before tossing him out the window. Valmont was safe - relatively - for now. Uncle still relished having Valmont in his possession, and Valmont was just glad that it wasn't Hsi-Wu.
The doorbell rang. It was the enforcers. Ratso spoke up. "I - er.. We want Valmont, and we know that you guys have him!" Jackie frowned. "I really don't care, but if we do have him, Uncle's got him, and messing with Uncle isn't smart." The enforcers didn't care. They had all agreed to team up until Valmont was theirs again - except Hak Foo, who sat on his bed reading girlie magazines. Until - that is, he spotted Tarakudo in one of them. That was not a pretty sight. Especially when it came out of the magazine and took Hak Foo with him.
Daolon Wong sat by his meditation pot, uttering his dark chi spells, expecting to see Viper in the bathtub. He was unpleasantly surprised to see Jade... and his enforcers? Gan, Ren, and Chui were playfully giving the 7- year-old (she's officially 7) a bath - and Daolon was mighty irritated. He turned his attention to the next room, where Valmont was stuck with Uncle. Daolon was relieved. It was better than the last time he had checked on Uncle, who at that time had made a chi-spell to give himself a D-cup. Much better.
Uncle needed to make news again. He needed something. His acts of putting on women's clothing or just no clothing at all were getting stale fast. There had to be something that he could pull off after Valmont had been taken from his clutches through the actions of his nephew. He had it. An idea. He whispered it to Valmont, who screamed immediately. Whatever it was - it was not pleasant. Not at all.
Uncle also decided to let Valmont go. Not just to anyone, but to the highest bidder. He made an announcement, and got the public TV go ahead - but he was going head to head with Survivor. Valmont was not too pleased about being merchandise in an auction - especially one that could be won by Hsi-Wu, Tarakudo, or Finn. Especially not Finn.
The stage was set for the auction. The starting point for Valmont was 60 dollars. Someone had to win the guy, and it really didn't matter to Uncle who did it. The first bid came in after 28 seconds. 65 dollars - from Finnhalen. Valmont grimaced. He was not going to Finn, even if his life depended on it. The next bid came in. 72 dollars, from GreatPumpkin. Obviously Tarakudo. Not exactly Valmont's favorite either. Finnhalen responded with 76 dollars, and was topped by Jadesex (pronounced Jade's ex, you pervs) at 80 dollars. That was someone else Big V didn't want to see in the near future.
The next bid was 83 dollars, from the 7th Oni General, who creatively chose the screen name of OniGeneral7. Ratso was up next with 91 dollars as HornedKing, and the bidding continued. The price had reached all the way up to 157,000 dollars when another bidder appeared - the Monkey King, at 157,500. Valmont had absolutely no idea who the monkey king was, but he figured it wasn't good. Finnhalen drove the price up to 158,000, and there were then only 10 minutes left in the auction. For some reason, Valmont was strapped to a table throughout the entire thing. The last bid was placed at 175,000 dollars. The winner of the bid was... Bartholomew Chang? What did he want with Valmont?
Chang came by the next day to accept his prize. He paid Uncle the $175,000 and left with Valmont. He was probably mauled by Tarakudo on the way home, but Uncle didn't care. He had the money he needed. He called Jackie. "Jaaackie! Uncle has money to take private charter on vacation! You make sure someone watches shop while Uncle is gone!" Jackie frowned. "Um... Uncle? May I ask where you are going?" Uncle happily responded. "Austrail- aiya!" Jackie continued to frown, and hung up. What was Uncle planning to do in Australia? Find his way into a marsupial's pouch? Check for the Coriolis (water-spinning) effect in 35,000 toilets? Bring a non endemic animal into the country? He was really worried.
Jade sighed, and then started whining. "Oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I wanna go to Austrailia! I've never been there! I wanna go!" Jackie silenced her. "Yes you have! You went there with us when we stopped Shendu from messing with the Book of..." he stopped, and then his eyes grew wide. "You've gotta be kidding me."
Is Uncle going to Austrailia for the Book of Ages? Or is he just going there to cause havoc? Maybe a little bit of both? Find out in chapter 7 of the Arbitrarily Random Misadventures of Uncle Chan!