I do not own Jackie Chan. I do not plan to dry up the Ganges River. I don't even own any space on DemonUncle or Spleef's webpages (if you two want to use the fic you can use it). One more thing - I don't own any talismans. I also don't own Reno 911 - though I really wish I did.
This is gonna be it. The last Random Misadventure of Uncle Chan. I hope you guys enjoyed it while it lasted! After this, I'll be able to get on to some other things I've been thinking about.
Why doesn't fanfiction allow the posting of links?
Authors Notes: This will not be in verse. No matter what the demand.
A long time had past since the San Francisco traffic incident. Uncle had served his 60 day prison term, and agreed to do community service for 10 months. With that out of the way, he could begin his misadventures again. What would he do, though? All the talismans and oni masks were locked up in Section 13. Drago had been foiled. All the demon world portals were closed. Daolon Wong was safe behind bars (for indecent exposure). Valmont had put a restraining order on his enforcers. What was there to do?
Uncle thought back to his teachings with Chi Master Fong. What was it the wise old man once said? Ah yes. "When all else fails, fake your own death." Chi Master Fong, or as he preferred to be called in his later years, the Real Slim Shady, had a very unique way of teaching.
How would Uncle fake his own death? It seemed to be easy enough. Uncle had enough chi magic in his room to fake the deaths of every single person in San Francisco. First he needed a pinch of salt. Then he would add some curry powder and a gerbil named "Graham Norton." The spellbook distinctly had it written that way. After that, he would need two cups of milk, three ounces of iron, seven tulip petals, and six gallons of alcohol. Guess which one wasn't needed for the spell itself...
Uncle mixed the spell. It had a strange red aura about it, and it fizzed. That's what he needed though. He poured the liquid on the ground and pink smoke began to rise up. After inhaling the pink smoke, Uncle collapsed to the ground, seemingly dead. A puddle of red liquid lay under him. This was the exact scenario Captain Black walked in to find. All he could say was "Whoa nellie."
Captain Black couldn't believe Uncle was dead. It couldn't be. Not the old man! Captain Black quickly rummaged through Uncle's stuff to see if there was anything - anything at all that suggested that the Chi Wizard had faked his death. He found it, allowing him to breathe again. He also found a note saying "Captain Black or Tohru - if you find this note, destroy it. I am faking my own death. Do not tell Jackie or Jade. This will be funny. Go along with it. Do not tell anyone, actually. Tell no one. One more thing. Invite Mama Tohru to 'funeral'."
Captain Black sighed and quickly gathered a false "composure." Jackie was home and needed to know of his Uncle's "death." Or something like that. Whatever the old man had planned was going to be pretty interesting. "JACKIE! JACKIE! THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR UNCLE! I THINK HE MAY BE DEAD!" Captain Black was screaming at the top of his lungs as he ran down the stairs. Jackie dropped the pot of coffee he was brewing - on to Jade. He stood there in shock for a few seconds before running up the stairs. Jade followed him almost immediately.
Jackie couldn't believe his eyes seeing his Uncle lying "dead" on the ground. In fact, he didn't believe it. He knew Uncle was faking it, but he just couldn't prove it. What was he going to do, throw him out a window? He tried all the ridiculously vile tactics he could to wake him up, from banging a gong in his ear to making him watch Fahrenheit 9/11. Nothing, no matter how horrible, could rouse Uncle from the spell he had put on himself. Uncle's spell had worked too well.
"Uncle! Oh, Uncle! Why won't you wake up?!" Jackie sobbed into his Uncle's shirt when his niece grabbed his attention. "Jackie? There are Shadowkhan outside. And they're... um... belly... dancing." This isn't what Jackie needed on what could have been the worst day of his life. He walked outside to see Finn leading a bunch of Bellydancing shadowkhan, hoping to impress Valmont. Even after a year or so, Finn hadn't given up hope. Jackie tossed him outside and sent the Shadowkhan on their way. Jackie was too concerned with his Uncle to be dealing with childish stuff like this.
Uncle was asleep for a week. After 5 days, Jackie had decided to call the funeral home - apparently, the spell had masked his pulse. The funeral home director was to bring Uncle's coffin to the Chan household and then bring it to Uncle's preferred burial spot - in front of his rival's antique store - so he could claim it was haunted. As his body was placed in the casket, Uncle begin to stir, but it was not until the lid was closed and locked that he finally realized what had occurred. For some reason, Mama Tohru seemed relieved.
As if on cue, as soon as Jackie and Jade turned their backs and the casket began to lower into the ground, a loud banging noise began to emanate from the casket in which Uncle was placed. "AIYA!" the coffin seemed to cry out. "AIYA! Jackie, get me out of here!" The banging continued, and Jackie just looked on, dumbfounded. Was his Uncle trying to contact him from beyond the grave, or was he just high? It didn't occur to him that his Uncle was still alive. Instead, he shuddered and asked the funeral workers to lower the coffin. Uncle heard his nephew, and was absolutely furious. His words didn't help him, however, as the casket was covered in soil six feet underground.
After witnessing this display, a thought hit Captain Black. Uncle was still alive! He was only faking his own death that previous week! He tried to get Jackie to snap out of his daze, but it was no use. Jackie was immobile, Jade was seemingly dumb (read: mute), and Uncle was buried alive! What could he do?
"What can I do?" thought Valmont as he raced to his lawyer's office. "These restraining orders expire any minute! Those enforcer goons will be after me again, as will those dragons! Oh, this is worse than the "Uncle-flavored Condom" venture I tried a few years back!' His pulse quickened as the clock wound down. 10. 9. 8. Seven. 6. Time seemed to slow down for the Brit. Five. Four and a half. Four. Three and two thirds, and so on. As the clock hit 9:00:00, Valmont rushed out of his car and into his lawyer's building. Unfortunately for him, he was accosted by two men that looked oddly like... oh no - not already - it couldn't have been, but it was. He was accosted by two men that were most decidedly Tarakudo and Ikazuki. Two men that were most decidedly Tarakudo and Ikazuki in bright orange speedos.. Valmont's life was ruined again as they forcefully dragged him out of the office and back to their hideout. Luckily for Captain Black, that hideout just happened to be a graveyard where a certain man was recently buried alive.
The sight of two demons in speedos was enough to get Jackie back in the game. This was Augustus' cue to inform Jackie that his Uncle was not, in fact, dead. Both Jackie and his niece could not believe what they were hearing. The screams still coming from Uncle's casket were Uncle? How were they supposed to get him out of there?
Jade began by digging with her hands and making her obligatory grunts. Jackie picked her up and moved her aside as Tohru came by with a shovel. He and the randomly appearing El Toro Fuerte quickly excavated the casket from the ground - but there was another problem - the coffin was bolted shut, and Uncle was still as loud as a banshee. Nothing the group did would open the bolts sealing Uncle inside. Nothing, that is, until the emergence of a giant donut which crushed the casket to reveal the senile old man, somehow covered in body paint.
Captain Black looked around. Who or what could have sent a giant donut rolling down to their location? Was it Valmont? Was it one of the demons locked in section 13? His question was answered by none other than the Monkey King and his parade of chickens. Jackie slapped his forehead in disgust as the great ape made his way towards the group.
"So, y'all? Are you ready to be menaced? I do proclaim myself to be the biggest menace to society that has EVER walked the globe!" Everyone just stood there and laughed as the zookeeper slowly walked behind the Monkey King before ensnaring him with a net. The "menace to society" couldn't do much damage in the zoo.
Jackie then realized his mistake. He had turned his back on Uncle for more than 18 seconds, which meant - yep - he was long gone. The gang hopped in the Section 13-mobile and took off through the streets of San Francisco. They found him being "accosted" by the cast of Reno 911. Well, actually, it was only Uncle and Lieutenant Dangle debating the merits of short shorts. This was a conversation that didn't need to happen, so Jackie pulled his Uncle into the vehicle and drove him back home.
Valmont was having no fun. He was propped up on a lab table in section 13. Every single one of his stalkers was here, and the First Annual Valmont Classic Battle Royal was about to begin. Valmont preferred the name "First Annual Valmont Memorial", but it didn't stick. The winner of the fight was to be Valmont's lover for the next year. The fight began with Tarakudo tossing a quick right hook in the direction of Po Kong. (What direction isn't in the direction of Po Kong, you might ask)
The melee continued. A ring had been set up in section 13 by El Toro Fuerte, and whoever went over the top rope was eliminated from the FAVCBR. First went Origami, because he sucked. The same applied to Bartholomew Chang and that Oni General whose mask got split in half. Punches were flying everywhere - even animé and movie crossovers got into the act and made the whole thing silly (not that it wasn't already). The field began to become more and more clear as more people were eliminated, and the crowd (read: Valmont) was incredibly nervous of the result. Especially nervous because the enforcers had yet to be eliminated, with the exception of Hak Foo, who was eliminated by Captain Jack Sparrow, who got tossed by Steve Irwin. He was in turn eliminated by one of Yu Yu Hakusho's Toguro brothers, who Valmont decided to shoot before he could win. Ratso finally eliminated the last TV show crossover, the Teen Titans' Mad Mod, much to the relief of Valmont. However, he still wanted Ratso eliminated.
Valmont got his wish as Ikazuki tossed Ratso over the top rope and on to Valmont himself. After a quick hug, Ratso found himself tossed off of Valmont and through a wall by Hak Foo. Soon, the field was down to Chow, Finn, Gan, Tarakudo, Ikazuki, Shendu, Hsi Wu, and Drago. "Great..." Big V thought to himself. "The 8 people I want LEAST to win this..."
The field was down to three now. Finn, Tarakudo, and Hsi Wu were going to battle for Valmont. Tarakudo began by breaking Hsi Wu's wings, rendering it impossible for him to stay in the air. He collapsed to the ring floor. Tarakudo and Finn decided to pick him up and hoist him over the top rope. They didn't account for getting caught on Hsi Wu's wings though, and the force of Hsi Wu's fall brought all three of them over the top rope and on to the floor. The winner of the first Valmont Invitational was... no one! Valmont was ecstatic. He was free of his stalkers for another year! In that time, he could pick up another restraining order! But it was not to be. Hak Foo was researching the rules of the tournament (made up by Tarakudo an hour earlier) and it stated that if no one was to win, then EVERYONE could be Valmont's lover. The camera slowly panned out of section 13 as a bloodcurdling, British accented scream was heard.
The camera panned into Uncle's Rare Finds. It seemed as though Uncle had finally given up. Causing havoc throughout the West Coast of the United States was too much work for an old man to do. He looked at Jackie, apologized, and walked resigned back up to his room. The Days of Uncle were finally over and Jackie could relax. And relax he did, until the doorbell rang.
"Hello. Are you Jackie Chan?" asked the person at the door. "Yes." replied Jackie simply. What could this person want? The man at the door eyed him strangely and laughed. "Well, I just came by to inform you that you won a lifetime supply of skimpy lingerie and Viagra, Jackie! Your contest entry is here with me and so are your prizes! Have a nice day, Jacqueline!"
Jackie paused, and then yelled as loud as he could. "UUUUUUUNNNNCLLLLLEEEEE!"
Uncle laughed and laughed before Jackie chased him out of the building. "AIYA!" he screamed! "AIYA!". He stopped, turned, and two-finger slapped Jackie "One more thing - AIYA!" And he was off again, the same old Uncle.
Well, that's it! What'd ya think? Was it worth your time? Was it worth mine? Will you read my other fics? I send heartfelt thanks to anyone who reviewed, even though the last 3 chapters were not my best work. I'll miss all of you, but I may be back one day!