Chapter three
I enter my house after an exhausting shift and take a look around. I almost forgot that Trent moved out last night, but coming home to a half empty house has certainly reminded me. I walk into Jakes room and spot him playing legos on the floor with his nanny. I lean down and kiss his head.
"Hi mommy. Me and Nikki are playing legos!"
"I see that. What are you making?" I bend down and sit next to him. This is our special time that we spend together every evening.
"I'm making a circus!"
"Wow! A circus"
I move to grab some legos to play with my son as I hear the phone ringing loudly in the kitchen. I get up quickly and run to it, picking it up out of breath.
"Hello"
"Abby hi" It's Trent. A small part of me is happy to hear his voice. It's comforting, but I have to find comfort elsewhere if I really want to break away from him.
"Hey"
"How's the baby"
"He's good, asked about you last night. I Um . . . I told him that you had a case that you had to work on so you were going to stay in a hotel for a little while"
"Abby, were going to have to tell him at some point" I cringe at the thought of this. I don't know how to tell him.
"Let's just wait to see where this goes, okay"
"I missed you last night" I want to cry, this isn't fair. I want all this pain to go away.
"I don't want to talk about this yet Trent." Im proud of myself for being strong, for not just saying, "ok, come home!"
"Well, look, Id like to take Jake on Friday evening, maybe he can stay over with me at the hotel."
"Um" I never thought about that. I never thought losing my husband would mean losing my son sometimes also. I guess I have to comply, there's nothing I can do to stop that. Trent has a right to spend time with his son. "Ya, you can come pick him up around six"
"Can I talk to him?"
"Jakey, your daddy's on the phone" I yell across the house and he comes running down the hall like a wild horse.
"My dad, my dad!" He picks up the phone "Dad?"
I can't hear what Trent's saying but all I hear from Jake is "Okay, aha, aha, ya bye"
He hangs up the phone and jumps into my lap.
"I'm going with daddy to the circus on Friday!"
"Wow, the circus!"
"Mom, are you coming too?" I stroke the back of his head and pull him closer to me. I wish I didn't have to cause him this pain.
"No, baby . . . um I'm going to go with Auntie Susan on Friday"
"But I want you to come mommy!"
"Sweetie, you know what . . . I think that you are going to spend some time with me alone and some time with daddy alone for the next couple of weeks, okay"
He looks at me in confusion. He doesn't understand and I don't think I can make him.
"Are you mad at daddy?"
"No, sweetie, I'm not mad at daddy. But we are maybe going to live in two different houses for just a little while." I lie to him, I am mad at Trent, but I can't exactly tell my six year old son that. I'm angry and I'm biter and I don't want this. I don't want to be divorced; I don't want to be a single mother. I want to have a family again; I want to be in love. I want to raise my child with a man that I'm crazy about. This isn't going to happen with Trent.
I lightly pick up jakes sleeping form from the floor in the den where he fell asleep watching TV. He usually falls asleep here. I lean over him, placing him in his bed and kissing his nose. I sit down next to him and watch him as he sleeps peacefully. What would I do with out my little angel? I already have anxiety about him staying with Trent on Friday. I will truly be all by self on a Friday night with nothing to do. How pathetic am I! I take a deep breath and walk out of him room and down the hall. My child is asleep and I have nothing to do in a big empty house all by myself.
I wake up to a blaring alarm clock and immediately pop out of bed. I want to get up and out of the house these days, anything to avoid being home alone. I walk into the hospital trying to put on a new face today. I don't want to be in a bad mood again, I don't want everybody to think that I'm a bitch. I scan the hospital looking for Susan; I think that I'm finally ready to talk to someone about this separation. Susan is my best friend and if I can't talk to her, I will never be able to talk about this with anyone. I pad my way into the lounge and spot a locker left open, no one around. I step closer to close it and see a lone picture hanging on the inside of it. It's Dr. Carter and who I think is his daughter, an adorable little girl with blond hair and blue eyes. He's not so bad himself. Actually he's a very good looking man. I close his locker and walk up to the coffee machine to pour myself some breakfast; I haven't been able to eat much these past couple of days and I'm starting to really thin out. Good thing skinny is in, because I'm definitely on my way there; and if I'm going to be single, I need to look good. I sit back on the couch and sip my hot coffee, taking my time because I'm early for my shift. I start to drift off into a daze when I hear the door screech open and see Dr. Carter walk in.
"Morning Dr. Lockhart" So this guys got a great smile.
"Abby, please" Okay, I can do this friendly thing.
"Abby" He repeats and then gestures towards himself "John, or Carter, as Susan calls me. Did I leave my locker open?"
"Ya, I closed it, you don't want to leave your locker open at a county hospital" We share a smile. "Your daughter's adorable" I gesture towards his locker "I saw the picture"
"Thank you." He turns a chair towards the couch and sits down. "Do you have any pictures of Jake?" He remembered my sons name; I don't know why that surprises me, but it does.
"Ya, actually I do." I get up and open my locker, pulling out a picture of my pseudo happy family and handing it to him. He smiles as he looks at it closely.
"Is that your husband?"
"Probably, my soon to be ex-husband"
"Probably?"
"Well. . .we just got separated" He nods his head at me and gives me an "I know how it is" look. I don't know why I all of the sudden feel comfortable telling this guy that I may be getting divorced. Until this moment I haven't wanted to say it out loud.
"I'm sorry" I nod my head at him as he hands the picture back to me.
"So, how did you like your first day here?" I change the subject to something a little lighter, giving him a smile.
"I was great. Everybody has been really nice. I'm still trying to figure out where I can get a descent cup of coffee though."
"Well don't look in the hospital cuz you wont find it here. There's a coffee shop across the street though."
"Well maybe on your break you'll let me buy you a cup?" I'm taken by surprise, it's just a cup of coffee, but this guy is so sweet.
"Sure" I flash him a smile and walk out of the lounge to start my shift.
Its hours later as I step out of the hospital to take a quick break from a flood of obnoxious patients. I spot Carter sitting on the bench and I grab a seat next to him. I like him. He seems like a genuinely nice guy, and Susan says he's great, so that must mean he really is. He seems so easy to talk to as well, or maybe it's just easier for me to open up to him because I don't know him. Maybe it's the fact that he's newly divorced and I think that I identify with him; I don't know. I wonder what the circumstances of his break up were. He seems like a catch.
"Hey" I smile at him and sit back on the bench to rest my head.
"Busy day ha"
"Is it me or are the patients just obnoxious today?"
"It's not you" I'm intrigued by this guy, he just seems to be, I don't know, too nice.
I look over my shoulder and see Susan walking our way. I've been waiting to ask her something all day.
"Hey guys. I hope my two best friends are getting to know each other."
"Yes, we are" I answer her with a smile. "Hey, Suz, you want Friday night off?"
"Sure, what's the catch?"
"Nothing, I'll take your shift" I offer eagerly.
"Why"
"I just want to work that night" She gives me a look that says she doesn't understand, and I don't want to explain it now.
"Well then your stuck with me" Carter chimes in. Fine by me. I just don't want to be home alone when my son leaves for the first night he'll spend with Trent.
"Hey, Chuck and I wanted to invite you guys and the kids over Saturday night for diner."
"Sure" We both say simultaneously.
"Carter, will Lexi be here by then?"
"I'm picking her up from the airport that morning."
"Great" She yells from behind her as she walks back into the hospital.
I walk into the lounge at the end of my shift and pull up a chair next to Susan at the table.
"So what ups with you wanting to work Friday night?"
We're alone now and I feel comfortable telling her. I look over at the door and then to her as she waits for my answer.
"Trent's taking Jake for the night" She nods her head like she gets my drift. I don't have to say anything else. It doesn't take a brains surgeon to figure out that I don't want to be alone.
"Abby, this will get easier" She covers her hand with mine as I wipe my eye to keep from letting a tear fall.
"I know, I keep telling my self that. I just never thought this would be so hard" She rubs my back and I let her comfort me. I take a deep breath and try my best to stop the tears from coming down. I am an emotional wreck and for the first time, I'm letting it show. I shake my head and look down at the table. "I don't know where to go from here" She pulls me into her arms and I surprisingly let her do so. I'm over with holding in all my feelings, it hasn't gotten me anywhere.
I lift my head from Susan's shoulder as I hear the door open and I quickly wipe my eyes before turning around. I don't want anyone to know that I was crying. I look down at the floor, noticing Carters shoes as Susan lets me go.
"Hey, call me later okay" I nod my head at her as she walks out the door and step towards my locker. I see carter look my way with a concerned look on his face, I can tell that he's hesitant to ask me what's wrong.
"Abby, you okay" He reaches out and touches my arm gently.
I sniffle a little and try to avoid eye contact with him. I don't know why, but I am embarrassed that I'm crying. I don't think I want anyone to picture me as weak, I guess I don't want anyone but Susan to know that I'm having a hard time.
"Ya, um, I'm fine." I shake my head at him and allow myself to look his way. I feel like I am exposing myself, I'm naked and I don't like it. He looks me in the eye and then moves closer to the door.
"If you ever want to talk about anything-
He doesn't finish his sentence as he waits for response from me before he leaves. I look over at him and nod a thank you and then I am alone.