He is Human: Chapter 17. I've been lacking motivation.... Here it is though, maybe I'm like Stella and I'm getting my groove back...
Review me!
Natalie
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Robert Romano felt dejected. Actually, that was the understatement of the century. The only woman he'd ever truly loved had, in essence, turned him down. She'd turned him away—or let him go.
He'd had his share of troubles, but he'd never experienced a pain like this. It was a pain that crept itself deep into the hollow of his heart, and expanded outward, filling his heart with excruciating pain. With nearly every breath he took he felt his heart constricting, as the ache deepened. The pain spread throughout his body, making his entire being sore with the pang of defeat; of sorrow. Until it slowly found it's way to his eyes, forcing him to feel more emotions that he didn't want to feel. He cried.
Crying wasn't something he made a point of doing—but, his heart had been broken. He made an exception.
His mind wandered to earlier that evening, as he wondered what he had been thinking. Had he actually thought that Elizabeth could love him? That she could feel anything remotely close to love for him?
He sighed as he realized that he had. He'd done the one thing that he promised himself he'd never do: He had believed the delusions his mind had fed him. He'd honestly believed that he and Elizabeth had a chance, that he had a chance with her.
And another shock of pain engulfed him at the realization that he'd brought this on. He'd made his bed by confessing his love, and now, he had to lie in it. Oh how he had to lie in it, and cry in it. He wasn't one to cry, he never had been, but somehow, he couldn't control the outpouring of emotion that came from his innermost hurt.
But then, he continued to think: Was this his fault? He hadn't asked to fall in love with Elizabeth. It wasn't something he'd meticulously planned out. He hadn't even wanted to fall in love with her. In fact, he'd done his best not to, if for only the knowledge that she could never want him that way. But he'd not asked for this emotion. He'd never asked for love in any form, especially the kind of love he held for Elizabeth.
So, he concluded that the entire situation was not his fault.
But, still, he didn't have to go over there. He'd been living in silent torture for years, and he was a strong man most of the time: He could've probably done it for his entire life. Yet, at the time, he felt larger than life: as though he did have a chance at being with the woman of his dreams. He listened to his heart when his mind screamed at him to keep his mouth shut. He was responsible for the blurting out of the l-word. He was responsible for his actions. He was responsible for Elizabeth letting him walk away.
He was responsible for his pain.
But, the fact that he was responsible didn't make it any easier to face. It didn't make part of the pain go away, it didn't make things better. In fact, it made it worse. Inside he knew that this could have been prevented. He could have gone pining after Elizabeth for the rest of his life, and he would have never experienced this blatant hurt.
But still, he reminded himself, had he not confessed, he would have spent the rest of his life wondering if he'd made the right decision.
So now he faced the question that he'd known he had to all along: Was it worth it?
Elizabeth was worth it, he knew that. But was IT worth it?
Was coming clean worth knowing the answer? Was it better to be broken in the light than whole in the dark?
It didn't feel like it was worth it.
The pain in his heart didn't feel like it was worth it.
The hollowness of his soul didn't feel like it was worth it.
But somehow, somewhere deep inside of him, he believed it was worth it.
He couldn't explain why, he couldn't tell how, but he believed it was worth it. Maybe it was better to know and be hurt than to spend the rest of your life wondering.
But whether or not it was worth it was irrelevant. In actuality, in Romano's mind, everything was irrelevant. The only thing that had mattered in his life was Elizabeth. The only thing that had made his life worthwhile was Elizabeth. And although he didn't want to admit it, the only thing that he woke up for each morning was the possibility that Elizabeth could love him like he loved her.
But he knew now that she never could.
And all he could do was hope that she would still be his friend. He hadn't many of those, and he didn't want to lose one of the only ones he had because he couldn't keep his mouth shut.
He'd go on loving her always, but he could settle for friendship. No, he couldn't just settle for friendship, at the bare minimum he NEEDED friendship. He needed friendship from her, because it was Elizabeth that always made him feel comfortable in his own skin. It was Elizabeth that always brought a smile to his face. It was Elizabeth that made him happy.
But while he knew this was what he needed, he didn't know if he could forge a friendship again.
He'd been hurt, badly, by his own fault, but still, when he thought of Elizabeth, he felt a painful shiver. And he wasn't sure he could overcome that, no matter how much he wanted to.
All he'd ever wanted was her.
And now all he wanted was to forget.
He wanted to forget he'd ever said anything. He wanted to pretend that he was drunk; he wanted to pretend that he was truly delusional, even mad. He wanted to pretend as though he were Hamlet, only truly mad.
But he couldn't.
Because she knew him better than that. Damn her, she knew him better than that.
He cleared his throat in the darkness of his house. She knew him. He hated that truth, but it was just that: truth. She knew him despite his attempts to mask who he was.
And it was just another thing that he loved her for.
He wished he were like Ophelia: Suicidal. But he wasn't. That wasn't his style—ever. No matter how much pain he was in. But Ophelia was lucky, Hamlet did love her.
Elizabeth didn't love Robert. That much was made clear this evening.
He'd heard a saying once that mirrored perfectly how he felt: "Ask me why I keep on loving you when it's clear you'll never feel the same. It's because as much I can't force you to love me, I can't force myself to stop loving you."
And it was true. He loved Elizabeth still, and he always, always would. There was nothing that could change that.
And he wanted to be with her—in any way that he could. But he wasn't sure he could get over the pain that he felt so deep inside of his heart. But if, and when he did, he needed to think of words to say that would make it right. That would keep Elizabeth as his friend. That would make everything all right again.
And so as he drifted into a completely restless sleep, he tried to think of ways to make it right—and a question plagued his mind:
How do you say that you're sorry?
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Okay, short, I know—but really, how long can I lament for Robert? So, you should review, because it motivates me to write... and I haven't been feeling motivated lately... ah! I need help!! smokey the bear imitation Only YOU can prevent Natalie from not updating.
(and you can do that by reviewing!)
Thanks to everyone for giving such great reviews—and rest assured, I want none of you to DIE! : )
Natalie
Review me!
Natalie
-----------------------------------------------------
Robert Romano felt dejected. Actually, that was the understatement of the century. The only woman he'd ever truly loved had, in essence, turned him down. She'd turned him away—or let him go.
He'd had his share of troubles, but he'd never experienced a pain like this. It was a pain that crept itself deep into the hollow of his heart, and expanded outward, filling his heart with excruciating pain. With nearly every breath he took he felt his heart constricting, as the ache deepened. The pain spread throughout his body, making his entire being sore with the pang of defeat; of sorrow. Until it slowly found it's way to his eyes, forcing him to feel more emotions that he didn't want to feel. He cried.
Crying wasn't something he made a point of doing—but, his heart had been broken. He made an exception.
His mind wandered to earlier that evening, as he wondered what he had been thinking. Had he actually thought that Elizabeth could love him? That she could feel anything remotely close to love for him?
He sighed as he realized that he had. He'd done the one thing that he promised himself he'd never do: He had believed the delusions his mind had fed him. He'd honestly believed that he and Elizabeth had a chance, that he had a chance with her.
And another shock of pain engulfed him at the realization that he'd brought this on. He'd made his bed by confessing his love, and now, he had to lie in it. Oh how he had to lie in it, and cry in it. He wasn't one to cry, he never had been, but somehow, he couldn't control the outpouring of emotion that came from his innermost hurt.
But then, he continued to think: Was this his fault? He hadn't asked to fall in love with Elizabeth. It wasn't something he'd meticulously planned out. He hadn't even wanted to fall in love with her. In fact, he'd done his best not to, if for only the knowledge that she could never want him that way. But he'd not asked for this emotion. He'd never asked for love in any form, especially the kind of love he held for Elizabeth.
So, he concluded that the entire situation was not his fault.
But, still, he didn't have to go over there. He'd been living in silent torture for years, and he was a strong man most of the time: He could've probably done it for his entire life. Yet, at the time, he felt larger than life: as though he did have a chance at being with the woman of his dreams. He listened to his heart when his mind screamed at him to keep his mouth shut. He was responsible for the blurting out of the l-word. He was responsible for his actions. He was responsible for Elizabeth letting him walk away.
He was responsible for his pain.
But, the fact that he was responsible didn't make it any easier to face. It didn't make part of the pain go away, it didn't make things better. In fact, it made it worse. Inside he knew that this could have been prevented. He could have gone pining after Elizabeth for the rest of his life, and he would have never experienced this blatant hurt.
But still, he reminded himself, had he not confessed, he would have spent the rest of his life wondering if he'd made the right decision.
So now he faced the question that he'd known he had to all along: Was it worth it?
Elizabeth was worth it, he knew that. But was IT worth it?
Was coming clean worth knowing the answer? Was it better to be broken in the light than whole in the dark?
It didn't feel like it was worth it.
The pain in his heart didn't feel like it was worth it.
The hollowness of his soul didn't feel like it was worth it.
But somehow, somewhere deep inside of him, he believed it was worth it.
He couldn't explain why, he couldn't tell how, but he believed it was worth it. Maybe it was better to know and be hurt than to spend the rest of your life wondering.
But whether or not it was worth it was irrelevant. In actuality, in Romano's mind, everything was irrelevant. The only thing that had mattered in his life was Elizabeth. The only thing that had made his life worthwhile was Elizabeth. And although he didn't want to admit it, the only thing that he woke up for each morning was the possibility that Elizabeth could love him like he loved her.
But he knew now that she never could.
And all he could do was hope that she would still be his friend. He hadn't many of those, and he didn't want to lose one of the only ones he had because he couldn't keep his mouth shut.
He'd go on loving her always, but he could settle for friendship. No, he couldn't just settle for friendship, at the bare minimum he NEEDED friendship. He needed friendship from her, because it was Elizabeth that always made him feel comfortable in his own skin. It was Elizabeth that always brought a smile to his face. It was Elizabeth that made him happy.
But while he knew this was what he needed, he didn't know if he could forge a friendship again.
He'd been hurt, badly, by his own fault, but still, when he thought of Elizabeth, he felt a painful shiver. And he wasn't sure he could overcome that, no matter how much he wanted to.
All he'd ever wanted was her.
And now all he wanted was to forget.
He wanted to forget he'd ever said anything. He wanted to pretend that he was drunk; he wanted to pretend that he was truly delusional, even mad. He wanted to pretend as though he were Hamlet, only truly mad.
But he couldn't.
Because she knew him better than that. Damn her, she knew him better than that.
He cleared his throat in the darkness of his house. She knew him. He hated that truth, but it was just that: truth. She knew him despite his attempts to mask who he was.
And it was just another thing that he loved her for.
He wished he were like Ophelia: Suicidal. But he wasn't. That wasn't his style—ever. No matter how much pain he was in. But Ophelia was lucky, Hamlet did love her.
Elizabeth didn't love Robert. That much was made clear this evening.
He'd heard a saying once that mirrored perfectly how he felt: "Ask me why I keep on loving you when it's clear you'll never feel the same. It's because as much I can't force you to love me, I can't force myself to stop loving you."
And it was true. He loved Elizabeth still, and he always, always would. There was nothing that could change that.
And he wanted to be with her—in any way that he could. But he wasn't sure he could get over the pain that he felt so deep inside of his heart. But if, and when he did, he needed to think of words to say that would make it right. That would keep Elizabeth as his friend. That would make everything all right again.
And so as he drifted into a completely restless sleep, he tried to think of ways to make it right—and a question plagued his mind:
How do you say that you're sorry?
------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, short, I know—but really, how long can I lament for Robert? So, you should review, because it motivates me to write... and I haven't been feeling motivated lately... ah! I need help!! smokey the bear imitation Only YOU can prevent Natalie from not updating.
(and you can do that by reviewing!)
Thanks to everyone for giving such great reviews—and rest assured, I want none of you to DIE! : )
Natalie