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Chapter Five
I let the water flow over my hips as I relax for the first time this week. I try it take a long bath whenever possible, usually after Jake is asleep at night; it really helps me get rid of some of my stress. I'm not as stressed as I was last week though. Everyday I am getting more and more used to being separated from Trent. Today was actually a good day. Jake had a great time with Lexi and talking to John seemed really easy for me. I haven't had a friendship with a man in a very long time and there is something that feels very comforting about it. I don't only want my son to be friends with John's daughter; I want to be friends with John as well. Although my intentions aren't to date right now, I'm sure Trent wouldn't be too happy about me having a male friend, especially because we have very little trust in our relationship.
I haven't wanted to see Trent since he moved out; I think I'm testing myself. I want to see how long I can go with out seeing him. I want to see if I can make it without him, because I think that I want to be without him. Yesterday, when he called, he asked if he could see me and I told him that I couldn't, but I know I'll have to see him at some point, I know he'll force me to see him if he wants to see me. It's not like he can't come here when ever he wants, this is his house too, and I can't exactly take away his keys.
I wrap a soft towel around myself, pausing as I do so to look at my body for the first time this week in the mirror. I notice my ribs sticking out, I think I have gotten too skinny. I haven't had an appetite lately and now I look like a skeleton. I guess I am going to have to make myself eat a little more to gain back a little weight.
I walk into the hospital actually looking forward to my shift. It's easy to be here now, everything is routine. I know how to treat my patients; it comes easy to me like its second nature. At home I have to think about life, I have to sit with my feelings and all I have been trying to do lately is not feel. I walk into the lounge to put my stuff in my locker and I am immediately called out of the lounge and into a trauma. I run into the room, holding my stethoscope around my neck to keep it from bouncing. Carter is barking out order to nurses as he waits for me to assist him.
"What do we got" I flash carter a hello smile quickly.
"GSW to the left femur and right chest, Abby, can you put in a chest tube"
"Chest tube tray and I need some suction over here, Chuny" She hands me the tray and I work quickly. I realize that this is the first time I have ever worked with John in a trauma. This one is pretty intense and we start to loose him. John grabs the paddle and shocks the kid twice bringing back our patient, but only for a minute. We work hard to get the patients heart pumping again, I quickly cut open the right chest and Carter grabs his heart in his hands, my hands on top of his helping him massage. Our eyes lock as we look at each other across the patient, silently communicating to each other that we are going to save this patient if it is the last thing we ever do.
Twenty minutes later we get a pulse on the monitor, the patient is stabilized and is wheeled off to the elevator to go up to the O.R. John lifts his hand to give me a high five and I reach for him as well. We are pumped and proud of ourselves.
"For the first time working together in a trauma, we are a very good team!" His tone is full of excitement.
"I was just thinking that" We smile at each other as we pull our gowns and gloves off and drop them on the floor with the rest of the bloody mess. I move over to the sink to wash up a little, Carter right behind me, reaching out and wiping the back of my arm.
"You've got blood on you, hold still" I look down at myself and realize its all over my scrubs. John runs a towel under the water and I flinch as he rubs it down my arm.
"It's cold!"
"Sorry" He laughs at me a little.
"I really need to change my scrub top, it's all over me." I walk up to the cabinet and grab a new top, shedding my dirty one and throwing it into the pile on the floor. I have a tank top on but I don't think carter knows that because like a gentleman he has turned around to give me privacy.
"I have a tank top on" I let him know so he can turn back around. "Well, I know that I just got here but I think we deserve a coffee break after that trauma"
"You bet" He smiles warmly, and holds the trauma room door open for me to walk out.
We walk casually by the river, coffees in hand, my eyes focused on the running water beside us. I'm quiet, I think a part of me is a little shy. I don't hang out with men that often. Sure I have relationships with men that are coworkers, but I don't have coffee with them and invite them into my home very often.
"Lexi had a great time with Jake yesterday, and I talked to her about going to camp and she is really excited about that"
"Oh, good, Jake will be thrilled" He nods his head and takes a sip of his coffee. "Why are you here so early if your working tonight"
"Oh, I'm not actually working tonight. That's just what I told Jake so I didn't have to spend the evening with Trent."
"Got ya" I think I trust this guy, he is so nice and genuine, I feel like I can talk to him. I also identify with him, he just split up with somebody; maybe he can offer me some insight on this situation. I think I'm ready to talk a little bit more personally.
"This separation is just a trial, and I think that Trent wants to keep trying to see if we can work this out . . . but I don't really know if I want to try anymore. Its kind of too little, too late, ya know?" It took a while for me to get it out, but this sharing feels okay.
"Oh, I know the too little too, late thing very well. As I was getting into my car to make the trip out here, Ali asked me to stay." I nod my head at him giving him the signal to continue. "I think that we all have those desperate times when we want to hold on, but if you know what's best for you and you're strong enough, you can push right through it and make the right choice, what ever that is." This is just what I thought I would get from John, support and understanding. This is what I need. It feels good to share my feelings with someone and it also feels good to know that he has been through this too. I hesitate for a second, but I tell myself to trust my instincts, I can trust this guy.
"I think the hardest part is trying to refrain from turning to Trent for comfort"
"What do you mean" I think he is interested and wants to hear a more in depth explanation, so I guess I will try to explain the best I can. I take a deep breath first and then speak slowly, choosing my words carefully.
"Well, I miss my husband, but I don't miss him. I just miss the idea of him, and I know that he misses me, but I don't know which way he misses me. We were both having these days when we were just depressed about the path that this marriage has gone down and then we would end up holding each other and pretending that everything is okay just because we're scared to let it go. And then you get this one night of passion, but it just goes away again. And all that it has done is just delay the inevitable." I take a long sip of my coffee and push my bangs put of my face before continuing. "I'm kind of working on not calling or seeing him when I'm at a low point and needing comfort."
"Well it sounds like you're really trying to stay true to yourself"
"I am" I look out at the river and then at John, smiling. I'm really glad I was able to talk to him about this. He looks at his watch and turns away from the water.
"We should head back; I hear that Dr. Weaver is a pistol"
"Oh, she is" We turn around and walk back to the hospital sipping our coffee as the soft wind blows down our pathway.
I walk back to the board as my shift comes closer to an end; the hospital is a pretty dead right now. In a way I wish we could get hit with a major trauma so I can stay and work because I have nothing else to do tonight and Trent has Jake. I don't want to go home to a big empty house. I want to go home and hug my son and play with him and watch cartoons with him and tuck him into his bed tonight. There is nothing at home for me right now and it has to be the most depressing thing that I have felt through all of this. I walk into the lounge and greet Susan who is sitting lazily on the couch resting her feet on the table beside it. She is getting so big; I know she is going to have to stop working any day now. I take a seat down next to her and rub her belly; this brings a smile to my face.
"Hi baby" I talk to her round tummy.
"Hi auntie Abby" Susan says as she places her hand over mine.
"I can't believe your going to have a baby girl in like six weeks." I smile at her and feel a small pang of jealousy. I have a feeling that the baby that I lost a couple years ago was a girl. I wanted her so badly, but Trent didn't, so I guess it wasn't meant to be. I always wanted a big family, or at least one more baby. It would have been amazing for Jake to have a little sister.
"Well I'm ready for her to come out, like last week!" I laugh at her, she always has a great sense of humor, even when she's uncomfortable and fat and tired. "So carter told me that he and Lexi had a great time at your house yesterday."
"Really?" I don't know why I am so surprised, I guess I thought I was a little bit of a downer, but it's good to hear that he didn't perceive me that way. She nods her head at me as if she is saying "of course!" I look off into the distance and then look at Susan. "Ya, it was great. The kids swam and we hung out by the pool and talked"
"Well Carter is great. He has really had a couple of hard years dealing with his ex and raising Lexi on his own. He really deserves somebody equally as great." She glances at the door and then looks towards the lockers to our right. "Who can we set him up with?" I can see the wheels in her head turning. "Dr. Corday? No. Dr. Leary? No. I don't know."
"Well maybe he's not ready to start dating yet" I offer this, knowing that I wouldn't be if it were me.
"Oh, he is, he told me he is. He really wants to find somebody. He's got to be lonely, in this new city, ya know" She smiles to her self and then starts to laugh out loud.
"What's so funny" I shoot her a questioning glare.
"Nothing"
"Susan what is it?!"
"Well, I was just thinking that you too can get together and form like, the lonely hearts club" I throw a pillow at her and laugh.
"Well I'm glad this amuses you!"
I walk into an empty house after stalling for almost an hour at work. I plop my purse down on the kitchen table and open the refrigerator to peer inside of it. I'm not hungry but I know that I have to eat something in order to stay healthy. I grab an apple and a can of soup from the pantry and light the stove up to heat my diner. I sit down at the table alone and put my head in my hands. The thought of eating this can of soup right now makes me nauseous. I lift my head back up and pick up a spoon, forcing the hot liquid into my mouth. I take a couple more bites and throw the rest down the sink as the phone rings.
"Hello"
"Mommy!"
"Hi baby, are you having a good time with daddy?"
"Ya, we rented Finding Nemo"
"Wow, you must have seen that ten times by now!"
"Well it is my favorite"
"So what else are you doing?"
"Nothing, daddy is going to tuck me into bed. I wish you can tuck me in too"
"Me too angel" A lone tear escapes down my cheek as I try to hide the shaky tone of my voice from Jake.
"Good night mommy, I love you"
"I love you too Jakey"
"Here's daddy" I hear him put the phone down on the counter and yell to Trent that he can pick up the phone.
"Hey Abby" He sounds tired.
"Hi" I sniffle a little bit, unable to hold it back for a second.
"You okay?"
"Um, ya, I just miss him" I try to toughen the tone of my voice but it doesn't work too well. I don't want Trent to know that I am having a hard time.
"Oh, I um, thought you were going to say that you miss me." He's trying to charm me.
"Trent" The tone in my voice tells him that I don't want to hear it.
"I'm not pushing Abby, but I do miss you and I have been thinking a lot about us"
"What were you thinking?"
"I think I want you to let me come see you. I want to take you out. I want to go on a date or something"
"I don't know; I. . . um . . . I kind of think that it's too late to just start all over Trent"
"Its not too late Abby, if you still love me."
"I'll talk to you later okay. I'll think about it"
I hang up the phone and stand at the counter for what seems like hours. I just don't know what to do here. Trent wants to make this work but I don't think that he really understands what making this work really entails. I know that he thinks that if he takes me out and we have one incredible night, that everything will be okay again. But that's not how it works. He has to change and he has to stick with it. He can't just show me in one night that he is a different person. And even if he did change, I don't even know if I would want him back, I just don't know if I can fall in love with him again.