Chapter Seven

I turn over on to my side and stretch my legs out across the width of the king size bed. It feels so empty with out Trent on the other side. Last night, however, it was anything but empty. I had something even better in my bed next to me, my precious baby and little Lexi, who I wouldn't mind having as my own. She is the cutest little girl so well behaved and incredibly sweet. John raised this one right; he is such a great dad.

I turn over to look towards my bedroom door. I close my eyes again, basking in the quietness of the morning, but then opening them up a minute later wondering where the kids are and why they are so quiet. I pull my body out of bed, I feel better this morning, more alive. I am going to start eating more and drinking less coffee; I want to take better care of myself. I think I am almost out of the danger zone now. I am getting more and more used to Trent not being around and I think that I can be happy this way. I don't miss him, I was never getting what I needed out of him anyway. The part I miss is the male companionship part, the physical feeling of holding someone and feeling an emotional bond. I haven't had that with Trent for a long time and I think I need to start looking elsewhere for it. I think I am finally ready to consider dating other men. Wow, dating, I haven't dated in forever, that's a scary thought.

I slip on a pair of sweat pants and pad my way downstairs to look for the children. I reach the kitchen doors and hear laughter and giggles coming from the kids, I hope they aren't playing in the kitchen unsupervised. I open the door and lean against the doorway. This is adorable. John is wearing my apron and standing at the stove flipping pancakes as the kids watch from stools that they have brought up to the counter.

"Hey" John turns to me with a huge smile on his face, a spatula in hand.

"Mommy, we're making you pancakes!" Jake jumps off the stool and raced towards me.

"Wow, really" I walk into the kitchen towards John and the kids. They are so cute all together. This is the kind of thing that happens in the movies.

"How are you feeling?" John flips that last pancake onto a plate and gets the kids seated at the table, taking the apron off and placing it back on the hook.

"Um, a lot better actually" I walk over to the pantry to hand him the syrup, then sit down with my guests, John moving a plate in front of me and giving me the "eat up" face.

"Thank you"

"Your welcome" He smiles at me warmly and I smile back. There is a moment of silence at the table as I look to the kids and look back at John, his eyes still fixed on mine.

"For everything" I finish, motioning to the kids and to the breakfast on the table. This is the nicest thing that anybody has done for me in a long time. I take a bite of my breakfast and grab some napkins, throwing them towards the kids who are bound to have syrup dripping all over them in no time.

"What time is your shift today?"

"I'm working a night shift, four to midnight, Jakes going to sleep at Trent's"

"I am?" He lifts his head from his plate.

"Ya baby, daddy's going to pick you up from camp today"

"But I want to play with John and Lexi after camp" I would have never thought that he would choose John and Lexi over his dad, but I'm sure that John has had enough of us for a while.

"I know sweet heart, but your daddy wants to see you and I have to work tonight" Jake makes a sad face and turns back to his pancakes.

I look back at John; the two of us smiling at how much these kids have bonded to each other. I can't help but think this guy is great, he is really great. I can't believe how wonderful he has been. It was so unbelievably sweet of him to take care of me and the kids last night. If I fainted when I was with Trent he would have come home and said, "You're a doctor; you know how to take care of yourself, what do you want me to do?" This is what I need, someone that is going to treat me like a woman, not that I am helpless or anything, but I am still a lady and I secretly like to be treated like one, at least some times. I think Susan was right; John and I could be great friends. We could support each other and help each other out with our hardships and we can also help each other out with our kids. He is so easy to be around, so easy to talk to and relate to, he's also very good looking and charming and . . .Oh what am I saying, I cant have these feelings, I'm not even divorced yet; I'm not even positive that I am getting divorced!

I get up from the table and start to clean off my plate, turning away from John so I can get any romantic feelings for him out of my head. I walk back to the table and sit back down; this is dumb; I like John, why do I have to push that away? I need to start living for myself, and if that means looking elsewhere for an emotional bond with a male companion, maybe "elsewhere" was making pancakes in my kitchen this morning.

I walk into my bedroom and I am alone for what seems like the first time in ages. John took the kids to camp on his way to work and the house is freakishly quiet. I take a long shower and put a clean tank top and shorts on then climb back into my bed to rest up a little more. As I am about to fall asleep, I hear the front door open, then close. I didn't think that John was going to come back here before he went to work, but I am secretly kind of glad. I really enjoy his company. I get out of bed and walk over to the landing only to find that the man that has entered the house is not John, its Trent. I walk down the stairs slowly, my heart almost leaping out of my chest. I don't know why I am so nervous about seeing him, I think that's it's mostly anxiety.

"Hi, what are you doing here" My voice comes out raspy from being in bed.

"I came to get some stuff; I thought you might be at work already"

"No, I'm working tonight, remember" Ya, right, he knew I would be here.

"I wanted to see you" He confesses and I mouth the word "oh" and swallow hard. I don't really want to spend time with him right now, or ever for that matter. Even though I am feeling better about our whole situation, I don't think I am past the anger part just yet and I'm not feeling like I want to work on this relationship anymore.

He walks up to me and reaches out to touch the side of my face. He sweeps the hair out of my eyes and stairs into them for a minute. I know what he's doing. He's trying to connect with me; he's trying to draw me in.

"I really miss you Abby" I don't respond, I don't know what to do. I am trying so hard not to let him sweet talk me. I finally know what I want to do. I want to push his hand away form my face, but my body won't let me. I'm frozen in this spot. He moves closer to me and his lips are upon mine, delicately. There is something comforting about letting him kiss me; I can't believe I am letting him kiss me. I don't want this, but at the same time, my body won't allow me to push him away. He tries to move closer, his tongue begging to enter my mouth and that's when I take action. I grab his hand and move it away from my face as I step back from him, breaking our kiss.

"I can't do this" I am finally able to speak.

"Yes you can, I want you" He walks me into a corner and I know now what "I missed you" meant. It meant that he's horny and he wants a quick lay. Well that's going to happen when monkeys fly. I duck under his grasp and create a distance between us.

"I don't want this Trent." He looks at me for a long time, probably hoping that he is going to change my mind with his stare. I open my mouth to talk and close it again, the words a little difficult to say. I try again, this time with more success. "I think that I want us to get divorced"

He shakes his head at me but I know he wants it too. As soon as he finds someone else to fuck, he'll get over this, I know he will. I walk into the kitchen, hoping that he will leave, but he follows me in here. This is going to be a big blowout.

"I can't take Jake tonight, I have a meeting" I snap my head around quickly looking at him, my eyes burning into his. I didn't expect him to say that, but I can see what he's doing here and I am going to call him on it.

"Are you seriously going to punish our son because you're mad at me? Is that what you're really doing?" I'm pissed, I can't believe this.

"That's not what I'm doing Abby" He walks back out towards the front door and almost out of it before I grab his arm to stop him.

"Ya know, he wont even care, he wanted to be with his friends tonight anyway" I say this to hurt him, knowing that I'm stooping down to his level, but not really caring at this moment. He looks into my angry eyes for a second and then walks out the front door, so much for confrontation; I was ready for a much bigger argument than that.

I walk into the hospital with Jake at my side for my four o clock shift. I had to pick him up from camp because Trent decided not to, so now he is going to have to be here for a while and hopefully Susan will be able to take him back to her house when her shift is over. We walk into the lounge to get him settled and Jake immediately spots John, running to him and jumping into his arms.

"What are you doing here buddy?" He sits Jake down on his lap.

"I don't know, I think my dad has a meeting tonight, can I go home with you?"

"Jake!" I turn around, embarrassed that Jake invited himself to John's house. I was going to ask Susan first if she can take him, John has helped me out so much already and I don't want to take advantage of that.

"Sure, you can, Lexi is at home with a baby sitter, she'll be so happy that you're coming over!"

I turn around smiling at him. I'm in a horrible mood due to my unexpected visitor this morning and I think that he can tell that the smile is masking something else. I'm so bad at hiding my emotions sometimes, other times I'm a pro.

"You don't have to, I was going to ask Susan" I shake my head, worrying that I am going to burden him.

He looks at me for a moment and shakes his head no, turning Jake around on his lap.

"Okay, Jake, do you want to go home with the fat lady that doesn't have a play room at her house, or do you want to go home with the guy that not only has a playroom, but a beautiful little girl that wants to play with you?" John makes a funny face and points towards himself with his thumbs, in a "pick me, pick me!" sort of way. Jake turns around and looks at me for approval, pointing his index fingers in John's direction. I can't help but smile, this smile is genuine though. I only wish that I didn't have to work so I could hang out with them.

"Okay, but you have to go to sleep at John's house at a descent hour and then I'll come get you when I'm done working."

"Ya!!!" The two boys high five each other as I walk up to the coffee maker to pour myself the only cup of coffee I will allow myself today. I put my mug down for a second and bend over to kiss Jake goodbye. Still bending down, I look up at John who is packing his things up from his locker. "He's allergic to blueberries"

"Blueberry pie it is!" He jokes with me as he grabs Jakes hand to leave and I smile. Somehow I am in a much better mood than when I got here.

I knock on the door to John's house as I peer through the window near the side hedges. It's dark inside, flashes of the light from a television bouncing off the walls and peeking through his blinds. It must be lonely, inside there, when his daughter has gone to sleep and he's alone. I suddenly feel bad for him, not that I'm not in the exact same boat, but I realize that maybe I'm not the only one that is feeling empty and starved for affection. I wonder what he does all by himself, what books he reads, what he watches on TV, if he goes into his child's room and sits on her bed and watches her sleep, like I do with Jake. I wait for a minute or two, I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't hear my knocking at the door, it's almost midnight and he could be sleeping. I hear heavy footsteps on their way to the door as I quickly run my fingers through my hair. I hope I don't look like a total nightmare right now, it's late and I probably look half asleep. I can't believe I all of the sudden care what I look like in front of John, but I do.

"Hey" He answers the door in a wife beater and sweet pants. I look down at him and back up quickly, noticing that he has a very nice body, okay, I'm attracted. I don't say anything for a second as he stares at me, waiting for my reply.

"Sorry, hi" I shake my head out, waking myself up a little. "I'm exhausted . . . I bet you are too, I'm sorry that you had to stay up and wait for me" He motions his hands to follow him inside the house.

"Don't worry about it; I had fun with the kids tonight, Jakes a crack up"

"Ya, he's something else" We walk through the dark, unfurnished house into the living room where it looks like John was hanging out on the couch. The television is on but muted, the house is peacefully quiet.

"Do you want a cup of coffee or tea" He whispers as he touches my arm, leading me into the kitchen.

"Tea, please" He looks at me surprised that I chose tea over coffee. "I'm trying to cut back"

"Well good for you" He raises a brow at me as I take a seat on the stool at the island. I look around the kitchen and out into the living room, its empty and this place really needs a woman's touch.

"Your house is empty; you didn't get any furniture yet?" He moves to sit beside me, his legs almost touching mine.

"I haven't really had time yet, plus . . . I've never gone furniture shopping alone, I don't really know what I'm looking for . . . Ali decorated my last house."

"Well if things end up the way they presented themselves today, I'll be going shopping for furniture with you" He gives me a questioning look.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm going to need to buy new furniture once I'm divorced because most of our stuff was Trent's before we got married"

"When did you decide that you were getting divorced?" He's interested. I wonder in what way.

"This morning, he came over after you left with the kids; I told him that that's what I wanted. It's funny how it happened. I just decided in an instant that I wanted to move on. It was scary, the words just came shooting out of my mouth, but I realized after I said it that I really meant it. I really don't think that I can be happy with him."

I look at John as he listens to me talk. I know that he wants to hear more and I want to share more, and I know that he won't ask me to go on. He doesn't want to push, he's being conscious about not making me feel uncomfortable. He's got to be the most respectful person I know. I want to tell him more, I want to share my fears with him; I want to hear about his.

"It's really scary knowing that I am going to be a single parent. I never imagined that I'd be here; it wasn't on my agenda" He smiles at me and reaches out to cover my hand with his, stroking it up and down. For some reason this doesn't feel uncomfortable at all, it feels good and that scares me for a second. I think about pulling my hand away for a minute, but I'm focusing on resisting that. I don't want to be this person that can't let people in, I want this friendship, I need it, but I'm afraid that this might be more than friendship and I'm not read for that at all.

"When I first decided to leave Ali, I felt like I was living somebody else's life. It was like I was watching a movie or something. . . I thought that getting married and having a baby meant that I would never have to be alone again, and for so long I felt more alone than ever."

"What changed that" I must look like a lost and confused little girl as I look into his eyes for guidance and support.

"I don't know really, moving here, having friends, building a support system, Susan, you" I smile at him as he continues to stroke my arm. I know now that this guy is my true friend, we have a bond, we care about each other. "I realized that as long as I was in a marriage that I wasn't happy with, I didn't have any chance to find something better. Now that I am out of it, there is this new hope that someday I'm going to be with a woman that was really meant for me."

I listen so closely to what he is saying, there is so much being shared here and I want to be sure that I take it all in. I start to get teary eyed, but not so much because I am sad about my situation; I think it's because of the things that John is saying. I'm overwhelmed with emotion right now. I am feeling for him and what he has gone through and I am relating back to myself as well. He reaches up to swipe the hair out of my eyes, noticing my sad expression. He holds his hand at the side of my face for a while and looks into my eyes.

"Abby, you deserve to have that hope. Once you have it, you'll be free" I let a single tear fall, John catching it with his thumb as it makes its way down my cheek. He moves his hand down to my back and as we both stand up, he pulls my head to his chest and wraps his arms around me, hugging me to his body.

"You're going to be fine" I nod my head into his chest as he strokes my back. It feels so good to hug this man. This is the closeness that I have been craving, but suddenly it's terrifying me. I think there are feeling here, on both sides. I'm feeling something for John; for the first time in seven years I am feeling like I want to be with somebody other than my husband. I pull away from him, trying to get my thoughts under control, my heart beating a mile a minute. I don't think he notices my small freak out; it's pretty dark where we're standing. He grabs my hand, his touch is electric. I want to pull back like I just did, but I don't, I am vowing to not push this one away. He walks me down the hall into Lexis room where the kids are fast asleep. I walk up to Jake and kiss him on his forehead and then John reaches for him, lifting him up and carrying him like a baby down the hall as I follow. We walk out the front door and John lays him down across the backseat. He closes the door and moves over to the driver's side of the car where I am standing, leaning against the door.

"If you need anything . . . to talk to someone, anything . . . call me" He reaches out again to touch me, but before he can reach my arm, I meet him half way, our hands joining and clasping together. A part of me wants to walk back inside and spend the night with him, holding and comforting each other, but the rational part of me will win this time and get into the car.

"I will" I smile through my melancholy expression as he lets go of my hand and turns to walk back into his house. I drive away in my car, and not until I am completely out of his driveway, do I let myself breath. I can't believe I am feeling what I am feeling; this comes as a total shock. When he hugged me in the kitchen I felt a bolt strike my body, slapping me across the face telling me to wake up and look at the man in front of me, and I listened, I looked. I wonder if he felt something too, Id be shocked if he didn't.