Chapter Eight
I walk back into the house after standing at my doorstep looking out into the night, long after Abby has driven away. I raise my hand up to my chest, grabbing my heart. I wish I can take it right out of my chest; I don't want to feel anymore. Why do I have to have feeling for the one person who would be totally inappropriate to act on them with?
I sit back down on the sofa where I was watching television before she came over. I know I'm not going to be able to get in bed and go to sleep now; I will be thinking about Abby all night, wishing that I can hold her and kiss her and be close to her. I'm glad we were able to talk to each other about our unfortunate marriages, obviously not that glad that hers has fallen apart. I don't really know what to feel. I care about Abby so much and I don't know whether to be happy or sad that she is getting divorced. I'm sad for her because it's a hard thing to go through; her family is being torn apart. But there is this part of me that is happy that she's getting divorced because that might mean that it makes it okay for me to want to be with her. Maybe there is a possibility now for me to be a part of her life. She deserves so much better than what she has been offered and I know that I can give her everything that she wants. I was so surprised that she let me hug her and comfort her when she needed it. It felt so right to hold her and feel her close to me. I do think that for one second she might have felt the same.
I lay down on the couch, the television still muted, watching the screen in the loneliness of the dark room. I can't get the vision of her face out of my mind, and I don't know that I want to. It seems that she is etched there for a reason and I need to find out why. Maybe were meant to be together. I close my eyes, trying to lull myself to sleep and soon I see her in my dreams in a flowing pink dress, her hair blowing in the wind, she's playing with our children . . .
I am woken out of my pleasant dreams way too early with the phone ringing in my ear. It's six o'clock in the morning so it must be the hospital calling. It's weird though, because I'm not on call. I pick up the phone, a little confused and somewhat annoyed because I was just woken out of a dream that was just getting steamy.
"Hello" I ask in a groggy voice.
"Carter, its Dr. Mitchell, Susan's in labor and Chuck's out of town, she asked me to call you in" I jump up a little, I am very awake now.
"I'll be right over"
Lexi and I run up to Labor and Delivery, my little girl still in her pajamas as we run to find Susan's room. I open the door, walking in slowly to see Abby standing over Susan massaging her back and feeding her ice chips. I smile a little as I walk closer to the two ladies and I all of the sudden feel this wonderful sense of pride. I love these woman and they are so wonderful to each other. They are so beautiful and perfect in their own unique ways. Abby smiles at me and raises her eye brows; she's so excited that this baby is coming.
"Well good morning ladies" I give them both a big grin as I walk up to Susan and kiss her on her head. I stand on the opposite side of Abby, making eye contact with her over our patient.
"How far apart are the contractions?" I pick up the chart and examine it as Abby takes a look at her watch.
"Looks like three minutes, were moving along" This woman is all smiles at six o'clock in the morning. Is she just really excited or is there something that I'm missing? Maybe she's feeling better about her decision after the conversation we had when she came to pick up Jake last night. "Jake's up in day care if you want to take Lexi up."
"Great" I smile back at her and turn to leave the room. "Don't have that baby till I get back"
I walk back into the delivery room, Susan huffing and puffing, and yelling a few choice words. I walk by her OB, greeting her as we have met on occasion.
"Okay, Susan on this one we're going to push. One, two, three, Push!" I grab Susan's hand on her right side, Abby holding her on her left.
"Good job Susan, she's coming" Abby picks up a cloth, patting Susan's forehead quickly. I watch the two women, I am almost speechless. There is so much beauty here; this is the best part of life.
"Okay, another push, I see the head"
"Ahhhhh" Susan cries out in frustration and for a second, I silently thank god that I'm not a woman.
"She's almost out Susan, your doing great!" Abby strokes her back.
"One more push" Her doctor calls out from between her legs.
Susan bares down one last time, the sound of the delivery room filled with the baby's cry.
"She's out!" Abby moves down the bed to see the baby, tears in her eyes. "She's beautiful Susan!"
"Dr. Lockhart, do you want to cut the cord?" Abby looks back at Susan for approval and Susan shakes her head as I rub her back. I watch Abby cut the babies cord, her eyes sparkling, I've never seen her this happy. The baby cries out as Abby picks her up.
"She wants her mommy" Abby walks the baby over to Susan and places her in her arms. I look down at the baby, remembering when Lexi was born. I'm so glad I get to share the happiest day of Susan's life with her.
"She's perfect" I am finally able to speak as Susan, Abby and I all look at each other, sharing this beautiful moment.
"Does she have a name?" Abby asks Susan as we hover over her.
"Yes, Sophie. Her name is Sophie."
It's hours later when I make my way over to the nursery viewing window after checking on the kids in day care. I spot Abby peering into the far window in front of the basinet that reads "Baby Lewis" She doesn't look as happy as she did in the delivery room, in fact, I think I see a tear falling from her eye. I walk up behind her and rest my hands on her shoulders, rubbing them lightly, bringing my head down to her ear level.
"You okay?" I ask her gently.
"Ya" She wipes the tear away from her face. "I'm," She shakes her head " . . . I'm fine"
"I can see that your not" I whisper in her ear.
"Well, it's been a big week" She continues to stare into the nursery.
"Stressful, ha"
"Yes" She turns her head around looking at me quickly and then back at the baby. She takes a deep breath. "I always wanted another baby" She says it whispering softly, like its no big deal, but I can tell that it is. "I almost had one, a couple years ago" She stands still, my body still behind hers, my hands still resting on her shoulders.
"What happened?"
"I had a miscarriage." She says it simply and I think that's all she's going to say when she starts to talk again. "I was in the bathtub one night; a couple months into my pregnancy . . . and all of the sudden the water just turned bright red." I see a tear fall down her face in her reflection in the window, I don't know if she has realized that I can see her in the glass, but I am watching her intently.
"I think it was a girl" She whispers into the air, I think more talking to herself than me.
"That must have been really hard for you guys" I don't know what else to say.
"For me, it was. But for Trent, I think he was relieved . . . he never wanted another child" She takes a step back and her back hits my chest lightly, she's leaning on me a little, but not wanting to shift her weight back. I run my hands down her arms and bring her closer to me, wrapping my arms around her waist, assuring her that it's okay to lean on me. We stand here for a while, it feels good to hold her like this; I just wish that I could hold her even if she wasn't upset right now. She shifts a little in my arms.
"I should check on the kids"
"I just did, they're fine. Jake told me that his birthday is tomorrow"
"Ya, it is. With this whole mess I forgot to tell you about his birthday party on Sunday. Can you make it with Lexi?"
"Umm . . . let's see . . . sure" I try to mess with her to lighten the mood a little. She smiles into the window, noticing that I'm looking at her, she's smiling at me.
A little while later, I walk into Susan's room to see how she's doing and talk with her for a little while. Abby took Jake and Lexi back to her house so they can all nap but I had to stay to work a half shift. I'm exhausted and I wish that I could go home and nap too, I don't even know how I'm going to get through this shift. I walk into Susan room, she napping too. I sink into the chair next to Susan's bed. I have an hour before my shift so maybe I can catch a little bit of sleep as well. I start to close my eyes when I hear Susan stirring.
"Why are you so tired, I'm the one who did all the work" I open my eyes and chuckle at her joke, sitting up in the chair.
"How are you feeling?"
"Better than I thought I would actually"
"Did you talk to Chuck?"
"Yes, he's on a plane coming home right now, he's so upset that he wasn't here for the birth"
"Well he's got the whole rest of his life to spend with her" Hopefully, if there relationship lasts. I guess I can't assume right now that any relationship will last.
"Ya, he does" I smile at her as I shift uncomfortably in my chair.
"Hey Susan, I wanted to tell you something and talk to you about it. . . It's kind of a big deal and I need your help here."
"What?" She looks a little worried.
"Well, you know that I've been spending a lot of time with Abby lately"
"Ya, I've heard that Jake and Lexi really like each other"
"They do, but I think that Abby and I really like each other too"
"What do you mean Carter?" I lift my brow at her, begging for her not to make me spell it out for her, but I can see that I am going to have to explain.
"I mean, I'm really not sure about her, but I think that I really like her. I mean . . . I have feelings for her, like I want to be with her. . .I know that this is horrible timing and yes I know that there are so many other woman out there that are possibilities for me . . .but it seems to be that I want the one that I can't really have."
"Carter, Abby's my best friend and you're my best friend and I never even thought about the two of you getting together, but now that I think about it, you would be perfect together. But I just don't know if she can deal with dating right now and being separated and taking care of Jake by herself " She shakes her head and laughs a little. ". . . ya, I think your timing is a little off."
"Even if she has decided that she's divorcing Trent?"
"She is?" I shake my head yes, surprised that Susan doesn't know. "Oh, she didn't tell me that"
"So what is the statue of limitations on how long I have to wait until I tell her?"
"Well, do you think the feeling is mutual?"
"I think its there. I know I feel it when I'm around her. I don't know, she might just be confused, or she might just be lonely and using me to as a companion when she's feeling bad . . .I don't know." I through my hands up in the air, I really don't know what to do.
"Well give her some time, maybe her feelings will come out once she has taken care of things with Trent" I breathe in deeply and think for a minute before I decide to share an important peace of the puzzle with Susan.
"Susan, I think that I could love her. I can't get her out of my head; I want to be around her all the time." She smiles at me warmly; I think maybe liking the idea of her two best friends getting together.
"Abby is the greatest, I can see why you like her. She is the sweetest person, the best mother. She's caring and warm and she really deserves someone like you . . . because you are all of those things too. I hope that it works out for you, I really do"
It's the end of my work day and I am more awake than ever right now. I think it's because I am going to pick up Lexi at Abby's house which means that I get to hang out with her for a little while. It's so pathetic that this is what I look forward to all day. I pull up to the house and am greeted by Abby's welcoming smile at the door. She is wearing her short shorts and a tank top, and her figure looks great since she has been eating a little bit more.
"Hey, the kids are finishing a movie, you want to relax a while and let them finish." I shake my head yes, I'll do anything to spend time with Abby. She walks me into the dark living room where the kids are bundled up under a blanket together on the floor. She takes a seat on the couch pulling her blanket back around her bare legs and leaving me room to sit next to her. I plop down on her sofa, noticing that I am a little more tired than I thought I was. She lifts up her blanket and looks at me, asking if I want to share it with her. I'm not cold at all, but anything to be close to her . . . Sure! I'll get under the blanket with you! I scoot closer to her, as she moves a little closer to me too. This is a little surprising, but I'll go with it, I love it. She touches my leg gently, moving the blanket over my body; we are so close together, our legs touching slightly. I look at the back of her head as she watches the movie, I can see the outline of her profile in the light glowing from the TV. I can't take my eyes off her, she is so beautiful, I know that I'm falling in love with her. She's leaning on her side and I can tell that she is a little uncomfortable, not letting herself relax. I reach my hand out and gently place it on her shoulder, guiding her to rest her back on my chest. She leans into my body a little bit, rubbing her cheek against my chest as I stroke down her arms. I'm not really sure what's happening here, I think I'm cuddling with Abby and it feels incredible. Holding her is the best feeling I have felt in a long time. I want to touch her more, put my arm around her and pull her even closer to me, but I know that I shouldn't and I'm not going to. I stop touching her, realizing that she might feel uncomfortable, not to mention, if the children turn around, I'm not sure how they would feel about their parents being so close. Abby rests her head back on my shoulder and I can feel her heart beating into my chest, its slowing down and I think that she's falling asleep. I look over at the children and their sleeping too, and before you know it, I'm out also.
It must be hours later when I wake up to a pitch black room, the television black as well. I breathe in a little and feel a weight on me, its Abby; I had almost forgotten where I was. She's sleeping on top of me, her head resting on my chest, my arms wrapped tightly around her. I look around the room with out moving my body; the children are still fast asleep under the blanket on the floor. I look down at Abby and move her hair out of her eyes so I can see her face. I wish she was mine; I wish I could lean over and kiss her right now because I want to so badly. I move my arms a little bit, rubbing her back so I could gently move her off of me. I know that this is my cue to leave right now, I don't want to, but I should. What if Trent showed up in the morning? We would have a big confrontation over something that was really innocent; well I don't really know how innocent this is anymore. There are feelings involved right now, I could tell. Maybe I need to take a step back and let her figure out what she's going to do with her life. I think she needs time to heal.
I walk over to the children and gently pick up Jake in my arms. He lays his head on my shoulder as I carry him up to his room.
"Daddy?" He whispers into my ear and I am caught off guard.
"No sweetie, its John"
"Where's my mommy?" He is totally out of it, probably sleep talking.
"She's sleeping, I'm going to put you to sleep too" I lay him down on his bed and kiss his forehead, he's still mumbling a little bit.
"But we were watching Shrek"
"I know; it's over. Goodnight" I walk out of his room and turn the light off, heading back down stairs to collect Lexi and go home. I walk over to Abby, wishing that I can pick her up and tuck her into her bed as well. I rub down her back gently trying to wake her up so she isn't confused about where everybody is when she gets up in the morning.
"Abby" I sit on the couch next to her, running my hands through her hair.
"Hmm" She opens her eyes a little bit and then closes them again.
"I put Jake in his bed, were gonna go home" I whisper gently to her.
She turns over onto her back, looking up at me with sleepy eyes. "What time is it?"
"Um, about two o'clock in the morning"
"Okay" She's still half sleeping, so cute and cozy on the couch, I don't think she's got any plans to move. I lean over to kiss her forehead, I know I'm pushing it a little, bit I just can't resist. She stirs a little bit, moving back onto her stomach and closing her eyes again. I walk over to Lexi to pick her up and move towards the front door as I look back at Abby's sleeping figure. I'm longing for her, I'm longing to get back onto that couch and bring her into my arms again, but I happen to have an all too rational side of me that is telling me to walk out this door.