Sorry about the long wait for this chapter. Thanks again for your kind reviews!
Chapter fourteen
I walk into the house after a tiring day of work, wanting to collapse on the couch and go back to sleep as I was in the lounge a little earlier. Not that I minded being woken up by Abby, if I've got to be awake for anything right now, I would want it to be to spend time with her. I walk up the stairs to Lexi's room to pack some clothing for her trip to Ali's this weekend. I've got to get it done before she comes home and wants to pick every outfit out for herself. If she picked all the clothing herself, all she would want to take is her pink ballerina shirt and tutu. I start to take her outfits out one at a time and my mind wanders to Abby holding Sophie on the couch today. I loved cuddling with her and the baby and I could tell that she was enjoying herself just as much as I was. I wonder if she would want to try having another baby at some point. I'm sure she was pretty damaged by her miscarriage, but I can see it in the way that she looks at Sophie that she longs for another chance. I wonder if that chance someday could be with me. I smile at the image in my head of our perfect little family. The two of us cuddled on the couch, holding our little baby between us, Lexi and Jake on both sides of us.
I walk down the stairs, suddenly feeling the urge to talk to her, to hear her voice. I pick up the phone to call the hospital, a smile forming on my lips.
"ER"
"Hey Jerry, its Carter, is Dr. Lockhart around?" I try to sound professional, like I'm calling to discuss a patient.
"Yea, hold on"
I wait a couple minutes for Jerry to find Abby, I've never called her at work before, this is new, and although it doesn't mean all that much, it just seems like a very "cupple-ish" thing to do. I smile at the thought of Abby being my girlfriend, I feel like a sixth grader. We haven't even discussed a relationship yet and already I've got us married with a new baby.
"Dr. Lockhart" She picks up winded, the thought of her running to the phone because she knew it was me runs through my head as I smile at her voice.
"Hey" I sound pathetically cheery.
"Hey what's up?" Yes! She's cheery also!!
"I just wanted to hear your voice. I was missing you for a moment"
"Only for a moment?" She's playing with me and what I really want to tell her is that I miss her every second that I'm not with her, but I'll down play it a bit.
"Okay, for a little longer than a moment. What are you doing tonight?"
"Diner with the kid"
"You want to dine together with the kids?"
"Yea, I do" She's in a playful mood, which makes me so excited to spend the evening with her. Not that I don't love our kids, but I wish they had other plans this evening.
"Why don't you grab Jake and come over when your shifts over, I'll order in?"
"Kay, we'll see you soon"
I smile as I hang up the phone, thinking about how hard it is going to be to spend the evening with Abby without being able to touch her and kiss her. But the kids will be gone this weekend, so I guess I can wait till then.
A couple hours later, Abby and I are alone at the kitchen table, the children off playing video games after eating their diner in a hurry. We get up to start cleaning the kitchen up a bit, Abby immediately taking on the mommy role of doing the dishes. I walk up behind her and take the dish out of her hands, placing it back into the sink. I kiss the back of her neck and hold her waist against me.
"Leave it, the maid will do the dishes tomorrow" She turns around and smiles at me.
"John, don't worry about it"
"Come on" I whisper in her ear and pull her hand away and lead her out of the kitchen across the house, letting her hand go for the second that we pass the living room where the kids are. After passing them, I pick up her hand again, leading her to my bedroom, to get some alone time with her. I shut the door behind us and walk into the bedroom, turning her around so I can kiss her finally. The kiss is innocent at first but I deepen it, having zero willpower to stop. It doesn't seem like she wants to stop either as she opens her lips for me, welcoming my tongue into her mouth. I raise my hands to cup her face as I pull away for a second.
"I've been wanting to do this all day"
"Really" I kiss down her neck, pulling her closer to me.
"Umm hmm" I continue to kiss her, not being able to pull my lips away to speak.
"But you know we have to stop this right now" She speaks in a whisper as she tilts her neck to give me better access to her, what a hypocrite.
"Just a couple more minutes" I walk her away from the door, hoping that she'll forget that the kids are on the other side of it.
"John"
"Shhh" I finger her throat, turning her head away from the door to focus her attention on me. I just can't help myself. She finally gives in and kisses me, my hands tracing over her body, her hands in my hair. I am lost in her; we are lost in each other, until the door creaks open all too quickly.
"Mommy?", "Dad?" They shout it simultaneously, Abby and I frozen in each others arms. This is the worst thing that could have happened right now. She turns her head away from the kids. I'm not sure, but it appears to me that she thinks if she looks in the other direction, the kids won't notice her in my arms. I mumble a "sorry" and tap her back lightly, bringing her out of her denial that the children did in fact see us kissing when they walked in the door. She turns her body to the kids, both of us not knowing what to say as they stand there starring with their mouths open.
"What were you doing?" Jake questions innocently, but I know he saw.
"They were kissing Jake, what does it look like"
Abby and I both open our mouths to speak, but nothing comes out of either of them, we still don't know what to say. A couple of seconds pass and when we are all still standing in the same position, Abby finally breaks the silence.
"Hey guys, lets go eat dessert." She walks away from me towards the children. Scooting them out of the bedroom, she glances back at me with a worried look on her face. I hope I didn't just mess everything up.
A couple minutes later the children are sitting at the kitchen table eating ice cream, their eyes darting from me to Abby and then back down to their dessert. I glance at Abby who has hoisted herself onto the kitchen counter, as far away from me as possible. Just when I think that we are in the clear, that all we are going to get is weird looks, the questions start to pour out.
"Are you guys boyfriend and girlfriend?" Lexi asks, sounding almost mature.
"No" Abby answers as quick as possible and I hate to sound like a pansy, but I feel like my heart was just ripped out of my chest.
"Well, are you thinking about it?" Jake sounds a bit more innocent, like he heard those words before and is repeating them.
"Maybe, Jake" Abby answers harshly, wanting to drop the subject but Jake isn't letting up yet.
"See, Lexi, I told you if they get married, we can live together in the same house and play all the time" Jake seems very proud of his bright idea, Abby doesn't seem too thrilled with this topic though, she actually is quite uncomfortable. Lexi looks at Jake and nods her head at him, like they are communicating in some kind of kid secret code.
"Jakey, finish your ice cream, we have to get you home and into bed." I watch Abby jump off the counter, a determined look on her face to get out of here quickly. She scurries about the kitchen, cleaning dishes that she knows will be cleaned tomorrow. She's avoiding eye contact with me and I'm trying everything I can to get her to look my way. I start to freak out inside my head, trying to hide it from the outside because I don't want to look pathetic. Although I can tell that the children haven't been negatively affected by catching us, I can see that Abby is pretty upset about the situation. She walks into the living room to grab her purse; my brain is searching for answers quickly. What can I say right now to make this situation easier for her? What does she need me to do to even get her to look at me?
"Come on baby" She grabs Jakes hand and walks to the front door, abruptly, leaving Lexi and I in the kitchen. I get up and walk out to the entry way, leaning against the doorway watching her fasten Jake into the back seat.
"I'll see you tomorrow" She shouts as she gets into the car and all I can do is nod my head. I can't believe how fast she just got out of here.
I walk back into the house with my head hung low, I am such a coward. I put the ice cream back into the freezer and take a seat at the kitchen table. Resting my head in my hands, I can't help but think that I have just driven away the woman that I want closest to me. I am falling in love with her and she is running out of my house as fast as she can the minute someone finds out about it. There is definitely something wrong here.
"Dad"
I am so deep in thought that I don't even notice that my own daughter is sitting next to me at the table where I just left her. I look up at her and she smiles a bit, embarrassed about something. She takes a bite of her ice cream and looks at me again, picking me apart with her eyes.
"You like her?"
"Yea" I answer honestly, why not. Why hide this from my daughter. I know that she is too young to consult on my love life, but I actually want to know what she thinks of me dating Abby. If she is going to be a big part of my life, I want Lexi to be comfortable with that.
"Do you?" I ask her gently, my head caulked to the side. Lexi Shakes her head yes as she takes another bite of dessert.
"She has really good popsicles at her house and she always hugs me and lets me cuddle with her when we watch movies on her couch . . . My mom doesn't cuddle with me like Abby." I stare at Lexi for a minute, my heart breaking for her. She deserves so much more than what her mom has offered. I look down at the floor for a minute, not wanting Lexi to see that her declaration about her mom has made me hurt for her. I envision Abby holding Lexi to her on her couch; I wish that Lexi could have Abby in her life. I wish that Abby could be a mother to my little girl. I lift my head back up again looking at Lexi who is watching me intently.
"Are you excited to go to Denver tomorrow?"
"Yea, I'll get to see Rachel right?"
"Yes, sweetie, but you're supposed to be spending time with your mom, not your old baby sitter."
"Well I'm pretty sure mom is going to have Rachel watch me anyway while she's busy" I look up, almost surprised, but then I remember what a selfish woman my ex-wife really is. It is so like her to stick our daughter with a baby sitter for the 48 hours that she will be allowed to spend time with her. I bet Ali will only really spend about two hours with her daughter the whole weekend.
I up from the table suddenly filled with anger and regret. I hurt for my daughter and I don't know what to do about it. I can't believe that the only reason she wants t go to Denver is to see her baby sitter. But I know how Ali is. She is probably too busy spending her huge alimony checks at the mall to hang out with her daughter. I walk up the stairs and glance into Lexis bedroom as I pass it, her packed suitcase resting against the door. I look down at it briefly, wanting to through it open and unpack her things. What's the point of sending my seven year old daughter on a plane all by herself to spend time with someone that she doesn't even really want to spend time with? It is completely not worth it for either one of them. Why must I put us all through this?
I walk into my bedroom and sit on my bed, my thoughts turning to the dissipated excitement of the children being gone for the weekend. I don't know what's going on with Abby right now, I don't know the consequences yet of the children catching us. Although it didn't seem like a big issue to the kids, she surely showed me that to her it was a big problem. I wonder where we are going to go from here. I wonder if I will spend any time with her at all this weekend. I'll probably spend it alone, feeling bad for myself and for my daughter that is going to play board games with a sitter while her mom runs her busy social life.
I walk into the lounge after seeing Lexi's plane off early this morning. I didn't think that letting her go would be such a big deal, but as I watched the stewardess walk her onto the plane, I couldn't help but feel a pang in my stomach. I hope I did the right thing by having her go. I sit down on the couch with my head in my hands and exhale a long breath. I won't feel right until I get the phone call that my daughter is back on the ground safe and sound. I hear the door creak open and I don't lift my head to see who it is. I don't even care at this point. I hear a locker door open and then shut again and then footsteps heading toward the coffee maker. I hear hot coffee hit the bottom of two mugs and then the clunk of one of them being placed on the coffee table in front of me. I look up, my eyes peeking out from behind my hands. It's Abby, standing in front of me, looking down at me with a questioning expression. My eyes meet hers quickly and then dart over to the cup of coffee. Picking it up and bringing it to my lips I look at her as I take a sip.
"Thanks" I state it simply placing the mug back down.
"I'm sorry about last night" She says it quickly and I can tell that her guard is up.
"Me too" I say it a little condescendingly. I wasn't really apologizing for the fact that I instigated the make out session in which we were caught in. I was more so apologizing about the way that she chose to handle the situation. I know that she doesn't really deserve this right now, but I'm frustrated and the fact that I'm upset about Lexi spending the weekend with a baby sitter isn't helping much. I wish that I could lean on Abby right now. I wish that I could talk to her about how upset I am about Lexi going to Denver this weekend, but instead I have to deal with the awkward situation that we got ourselves into last night. I just want to hug her and for once, I want to be comforted and assured and held by her. I need that from her right now. I look up at Abby, silently communicating my regret for being crass. I start to speak and the words come out of my mouth before I can go over them in my own head first.
"You freaked out" I say it matter-of-factly, there is no denying what happened.
"I know" She shakes her head, folding her arms across her chest.
"Why?"
"You knew that I didn't want the kids to know yet John" I can tell that she's frustrated too. This is a big deal to her and I don't understand why it should be if it isn't a big deal to her son.
"Why Abby, you already told Jake that your getting divorced, and he saw us last night and he didn't even care"
"I know he didn't care John, that's the problem. He doesn't understand. He wants me to be with you so he could play with Lexi." She raises her voice at me in frustration. I've never seen her get mad before but I guess there's a first time for everything.
"So what!" I shake my head, not getting why that's such a bad thing.
"This is going to hurt him one day! Maybe not today or tomorrow, but one day, when Lexi isn't around for him to play with, he's going to look around and be sad that I'm not with his daddy anymore. . . And what's going to happen if we don't end up together. He won't have Lexi anymore and not only is he going to mourn the loss of you and her, but he's also going to have to mourn the loss of his parents' marriage. He needs to mourn that first. He needs to understand that his father and I are over and that his family is never going to be the same before thinking about being a part of a new one." She starts to walk toward her locker, needing space to blow off some angry steam.
"Maybe you're talking about yourself here Abby" I say it under my breath, but I really think that's the case and I know she heard me.
"What?" She turns back to me, surprised at my accusation but I then see a small hint of understanding in her expression. I don't really want to say what I am about to say, but I know that I have to. Maybe if she takes my suggestion, we could start this relationship on a healthier level when the time is right.
"Maybe you need to mourn the loss of your family before you start this relationship with me and mine." She walks back over to me, taking a seat on the other end of the couch, not wanting to get too close. That breaks my heart a little. This is the first time that I have ever been able to tell that she has been damaged.
"Maybe I do" She closes her eyes tightly, letting a small tear escape her right eye. I move a little closer to her, lifting my hand to wipe it away. I lift her head to make her look at me, I need her to really understand why I am going to say what I am about to say.
"Abby, I want to be with you more than anything right now, but I don't want you to be with me because it makes it easier for you to leave your husband. I want you to be with me because you feel the same way about me as I do about you."
"I do" She whispers it into the air as I cup her jaw in my hand. She closes her eyes and bites her bottom lip, another tear escaping down her cheek. I can tell that she is torn. I pull her face to me and gently kiss her lips, assuring her that I understand her tough position. She reciprocates the kiss, reaching her arms to mine holding me in front of her. She pulls away from me and I look at her closely, already longing to feel her again. I look back up at her, wishing that there was a way to make this easier.
"I'm going to wait for you" I whisper to her, wanting to tell her how I really feel about her. I would wait for her forever if I had to.
"You don't have to" She feels guilty and I can tell, I know that she doesn't want me to be miserable.
"No" I shake my head at her, "I want to" I sweep her bangs off of her forehead and pull her close to me, kissing her temple. I get up from the couch and walk towards the door, pausing to look back at Abby who has gotten up and moved to her locker. She leans against the opening of the locker, her back to me, and I know that she doesn't know that I am watching. She runs her fingers through her hair and takes a deep breath as I stand there unable to take my eyes off of her. I move up to her and slip my arm around her waist from the back. Her body jumps a little bit and then settles into my chest when she realizes that it's me. I kiss the top of her head from above her, her head falling back onto my shoulder. Kissing her cheek one last time, I let her go and walk away.
AN: Okay, so I was getting kind of bored of writing everything so "hunky dory" and you probably got bored of reading that. So I decided to add some angst to the mix. It will stay Carby, I promise, but without adding some issues, there is just no story; so thanks for continuing to read. Let me know what you think.