~Squall~
I can't stand this paperwork, I've never liked being a commander, I prefer field work. All I am is a diplomat who signs documents and fills them out. I never get to go and fight anymore, unless you count the pathetic Grat's in the training centre. I order people in times of war without fighting myself. I suppose the only reason I bury myself in work is to get away from another burden, my family.
Yeah, I'm a bastard who doesn't spend time with my family, go me. I guess abandoning your family runs in my genes, I hope for both my daughters sake that it's just a co-incidence that I'm the exact same as my father. Don't get me wrong, I love them, but...well it's complicated. I don't even fully understand it.
Ten years, and twenty three days ago my life changed. I was barely twenty two when Julia was born. Everybody said that Rinoa and I were too young to be raising a child, turns out they were right, go figure. Selphie and Irvine's son was only born three years ago, and the second is on the way. Zell never had any children, although it seems that he's been more of a dad to Julia and Raine, he's their 'uncle' Zell, in other words they wish he was their father and not me. For Hyne's sake, he was there when Raine was born and I wasn't, the nurse at the hospital didn't believe I was the father when I came to the hospital, they had assumed that Zell was the Father.
Quistis is now expecting, I don't know how she's going to handle it. She never met another man, she gave up on it eventually, she just wanted a baby so she went out and did it. I don't think I'll ever understand her decision, she was a top instructor and one day she just decides to leave Garden for good and raise a child.
It got me thinking, do women just marry a man because they think he'll make a good father? Well, not in my case it seems. I'm not going to deny that I'm not a good father, let me rephrase that, I'm a pathetic excuse of a Father. Don't get me wrong, I'd sooner die than let any harm come to either of my daughters, but apart from that what have I done for them? I missed Julia's tenth birthday, she told me she didn't mind, but I could tell I hurt her. I'll never forgive myself for that. In all honesty, I did try to make it, but something came up. I got her the biggest present in the shop, but that couldn't make up for what I did.
This is why I never wanted children in the first place, it was hard enough trying to be a decent boyfriend let alone a father. I was alright at the whole boyfriend thing, but I'm unforgivably abysmal at being a Father and husband. I don't know why Rinoa puts up with me, I really don't.
I'm never there for her. I suppose it's because she devoted all our time to our daughters, it caused me to become jealous. There, I said it, I'm jealous of my two wonderful daughters because they get all the attention from Rinoa and rightly so, Hyne knows I don't give them the attention they deserve. I didn't know how to handle it, it was all so new and it happened too fast. I can't help but feel that if I had even been a few years older when Julia was born things would've been different. I might've been that bit more mature.
When I met Rinoa, I was used to relying only on myself, she taught me to rely on others. I wasn't ready to let others rely on me though, yes thousands of SeeD's rely on me to make important decisions every day of the week, but that's different. I wasn't ready to let a child rely on me, and now Rinoa, Julia and Raine are paying the price for something that's not their fault.
I'm no better than Laguna or Caraway, I've never been there for my daughters. I used to condemn the two of them for never being there, but look at me now? I'm the exact same. I'm a hypocrite.