~Rinoa~
So this is how it is? He doesn't love me anymore, did he even love me in the first place? I don't know what to think anymore.
I never had any idea that something like this could hurt this much, I thought I had prepared for the inevitable before he came home, turns out there are some things you can't prepare for, and this is one of those things. I remember when we were young and naïve that I said I'd be okay if it was his blade that pierced my heart if I became the world's enemy, well last night his words pierced my heart and it hurt.
My constant complaining? Well maybe I wouldn't complain if he didn't act like his family is not at all a part of his life. What am I supposed to do? Be one of those people only says "That's nice honey," and agree with everything he wants, what about what I want? What about what Raine and Julia wants and need? He's not the only person in this family, I'm not going to do what my mother did and bend over backwards for him. I don't want to leave him, but I will if he keeps on going the way he is. Damn him, I still love him.
I hate myself for being so weak, after all he's done, or not done depending on how you look at it, I should be able to kick him out. I should be able to tell him to go live in Garden and then he can stay in his precious office all the damn time! But I can't, I need him damn it, I just wish that he felt the same way...
My mother was the exact same. I could never understand why she was like that until now, nether the less, I have to pull it together, and I have to be strong. I'll succeed were my mother failed, I won't waste my life waiting for him to come around. I just hope I can do this…I have to, but can I?
***
~Squall~
I remember when I was a teenager and hearing other people going on about how "He said he loved me last night." I used to think "What's the big deal?" I thought that that no matter what, words are just words. Last night I learned just how important those simple three words are.
"I love you."
The first time I ever told Rinoa that I loved her, it felt so easy, just like saying hello. Last night I just couldn't say it, why? I don't know...do I still love her?
Of course I do...or do I? Ah, this is hurting my head, this is what happens when I think too much.
Yeah, this is typical me, when a problem comes up just ignore it and hope that it goes away. Well look at were it got me. I'll never forget that look on her face when I couldn't tell her how I felt. I wish she had started shouting at me afterwards, it would've been easier than hearing the sadness in her voice. Anger is easier to deal with than sorrow.
Hyne what the hell is wrong with me? The only thing Irvine and Selphie fight about is who gets to spend more time with their son! The change in Irvine when Cid was born, it was incredible. He rarely takes any missions and they're usually quick ones, anything that lasts longer than a few days he refuses to accept! He's one of the best snipers for hire, yet he gave it all up for his son. Selphie left Garden and opened a party shop in Balmb, although she still helps out with the Garden festival, surprise, surprise!
How is it that Irvine can be such a great dad yet I can't do it? I have two magnificent daughters, everybody tells me that. Why can't I see it? I've heard that no matter how horrible, ugly, bold, stupid or pathetic your child is you think of them as the world. My two daughters are far from any of that, yet my priority isn't them, it's that damn Garden. It was the same with Laguna, his priority wasn't Ellone, Raine or me in the end it was Esthar, look where that got him. Is that how I want to end up? No, then why am I letting history repeat itself. Maybe there was a reason behind Ellone's visions.
Oh dear Hyne, am I doomed to make the same mistakes as the man who is my Father? No, I can't let that happen, what the hell have I been doing for the past ten years? I can't get those ten years back, but what about the rest of my life? Can I get that before it's too late? I know what I have to do…can I do it though? I've never been one for swallowing my pride, guess it's a trait of the lion, but look were that's gotten me. For Hyne's sake, look at were all my actions have gotten me. Rinoa was right, I have to change my ways, or I might never be able to salvage a relationship with Raine and Julia, will they forgive me for ignoring them their whole lives, I hope to Hyne they will. I can't expect them to though, I can't forgive Laguna, I can't blame them if they don't want a relationship with me. My life is such a mess, and I let it get to that.