Chapter Seven:
The Helmacron craft hovered and thrummed just inches away from my face. I got a really great view of the tiny laser cannons, and a big cannon thing, which, I guessed, housed the shrinking ray.
Well, big by Helmacron standards.
I wanted a baseball bat at that moment. I so wanted a baseball bat.
"What do you want, Helmacrons?" Jake asked. He was careful not to aggravate the little creeps. Like I said, the Helmacrons can shrink other people down to their level, and Jake was about as interested in being shrunk as I was in dating Marco.
The thoughtspeech of the Helmacrons was shrill, drilling through my head like the bite of a mosquito.
We do not want! We have all! We possess all! We are the lords of the galaxy, nay, of the universe! And those who do not feel our scepter and whip soon shall. Yet, we have not come to ensure your wretchedness today.
"Can't tell you how relieved I am," Marco muttered.
Instead, we have come to perform a ceremony of our people! Stand back, O blimpish slaves! Clear the traditional place of landing!
"What traditional place of landing?" I demanded.
The small spaceship's little "vrrrreeeeeeeeeem" noise grew louder, and it blew past my face at mach two, practically ripping my nose off. It glided over to the flat rock Cassie was sitting on. Remove your horrific hindquarters from our sacred mountain! the thoughtspeak voice screamed, apparently outraged.
"I didn't know it was your sacred mountain," Cassie protested, standing. Then, as an afterthought, "And my hindquarters are not horrific."
"Jake agrees with you," Marco smirked, patting her on the shoulder. I kicked him in the shin, and he was mostly silent for a couple minutes.
Thrumming, practically purring, the ship nestled down onto its "sacred mountain."
We now recite the ancient words laid down by our foremothers for this most sober of ceremonies, the voice intoned.
Small audio projectors swiveled into place on the fore and aft of the ship. Hundreds of Helmacron voices rang out into the morning air.
"NEEP. NEEP. NEEP. NEEP. NEEP."
Wow. That was moving. Tobias said.
In great disgrace, with loathing and abhorrence, we disinherit from our species this abominable heretic, this disgusting preacher of false doctrine, this most hated one who has led even the young astray with her lethal foolishness.
"Hemlock," Jake muttered. "Where's the hemlock?"
I smiled.
"Shhh!" Cassie urged.
We therefore, in a tradition carried on for over three thousand years, cast aside this evil truth-twister, and leave her in the greatest dishonor, and with the most shameful shame of all! Banishment to one of the primitive, giant worlds!
"Wait," Marco said. "It's a punishment to be left on Earth?"
They've been coming to this rock for three thousand years? Tobias asked.
"Maybe Helmacron years are shorter than real years," I suggested. "Like dog years or something."
"I'm thinking two weeks," Marco said snidely.
If so, Ax pointed out, they were already visiting alien planets forty Earth years after your American Civil War.
"Ouch," I winced.
A tiny portal opened in the side of the ship. I leaned in and squinted down what was taking place. Seven Helmacrons emerged, one of them being carried by the other six. They strode purposefully out onto the rock, and dropped the seventh unceremoniously onto the hard surface.
We, they said in unison, your closest friends and former companions, cast you aside like an old fleeber!
"What's a fleeber?"
We spit upon you! There was a pause, ostensibly for the Helmacrons to spit. We kick you! They did so. We would slay you with our rapiers but you deserve worse! And so we leave you! As one body, they turned and trooped back up into the ship. There was a little scuffle at the top of the ramp, to be the first one in. Then the hatch slid smoothly shut, with a click.
"I dunno. I think being left alone by Helmacrons is a good thing," Marco commented.
"Shh!" Cassie insisted.
The ship began to lift off. May you live for a century in potent discouragement and abysmal safety, the Helmacron voice pronounced. With our insults still ringing in your ears, we leave you! Scum!
Many other Helmacron voices chimed in at this point.
Filth!
Male!
Rubbage!
Fool!
Coward!
Male!
Weakling!
I already said male.
You did not.
Yeerk!
Slave!
Male!
I already SAID male!
I said it first!
Scientist!
Look, do you want to be run through?
Idiot!
Traitor!
Giant!
This, apparently, was the worst in the arsenal of insults, as the other Helmacrons gasped appreciatively. Then, with a sudden change in speed, the craft blasted out of sight.
There was a moment of silence. A bird sang some distance off.
Marco broke the bewildered silence. "Well. This is different."
The Helmacron craft hovered and thrummed just inches away from my face. I got a really great view of the tiny laser cannons, and a big cannon thing, which, I guessed, housed the shrinking ray.
Well, big by Helmacron standards.
I wanted a baseball bat at that moment. I so wanted a baseball bat.
"What do you want, Helmacrons?" Jake asked. He was careful not to aggravate the little creeps. Like I said, the Helmacrons can shrink other people down to their level, and Jake was about as interested in being shrunk as I was in dating Marco.
The thoughtspeech of the Helmacrons was shrill, drilling through my head like the bite of a mosquito.
We do not want! We have all! We possess all! We are the lords of the galaxy, nay, of the universe! And those who do not feel our scepter and whip soon shall. Yet, we have not come to ensure your wretchedness today.
"Can't tell you how relieved I am," Marco muttered.
Instead, we have come to perform a ceremony of our people! Stand back, O blimpish slaves! Clear the traditional place of landing!
"What traditional place of landing?" I demanded.
The small spaceship's little "vrrrreeeeeeeeeem" noise grew louder, and it blew past my face at mach two, practically ripping my nose off. It glided over to the flat rock Cassie was sitting on. Remove your horrific hindquarters from our sacred mountain! the thoughtspeak voice screamed, apparently outraged.
"I didn't know it was your sacred mountain," Cassie protested, standing. Then, as an afterthought, "And my hindquarters are not horrific."
"Jake agrees with you," Marco smirked, patting her on the shoulder. I kicked him in the shin, and he was mostly silent for a couple minutes.
Thrumming, practically purring, the ship nestled down onto its "sacred mountain."
We now recite the ancient words laid down by our foremothers for this most sober of ceremonies, the voice intoned.
Small audio projectors swiveled into place on the fore and aft of the ship. Hundreds of Helmacron voices rang out into the morning air.
"NEEP. NEEP. NEEP. NEEP. NEEP."
Wow. That was moving. Tobias said.
In great disgrace, with loathing and abhorrence, we disinherit from our species this abominable heretic, this disgusting preacher of false doctrine, this most hated one who has led even the young astray with her lethal foolishness.
"Hemlock," Jake muttered. "Where's the hemlock?"
I smiled.
"Shhh!" Cassie urged.
We therefore, in a tradition carried on for over three thousand years, cast aside this evil truth-twister, and leave her in the greatest dishonor, and with the most shameful shame of all! Banishment to one of the primitive, giant worlds!
"Wait," Marco said. "It's a punishment to be left on Earth?"
They've been coming to this rock for three thousand years? Tobias asked.
"Maybe Helmacron years are shorter than real years," I suggested. "Like dog years or something."
"I'm thinking two weeks," Marco said snidely.
If so, Ax pointed out, they were already visiting alien planets forty Earth years after your American Civil War.
"Ouch," I winced.
A tiny portal opened in the side of the ship. I leaned in and squinted down what was taking place. Seven Helmacrons emerged, one of them being carried by the other six. They strode purposefully out onto the rock, and dropped the seventh unceremoniously onto the hard surface.
We, they said in unison, your closest friends and former companions, cast you aside like an old fleeber!
"What's a fleeber?"
We spit upon you! There was a pause, ostensibly for the Helmacrons to spit. We kick you! They did so. We would slay you with our rapiers but you deserve worse! And so we leave you! As one body, they turned and trooped back up into the ship. There was a little scuffle at the top of the ramp, to be the first one in. Then the hatch slid smoothly shut, with a click.
"I dunno. I think being left alone by Helmacrons is a good thing," Marco commented.
"Shh!" Cassie insisted.
The ship began to lift off. May you live for a century in potent discouragement and abysmal safety, the Helmacron voice pronounced. With our insults still ringing in your ears, we leave you! Scum!
Many other Helmacron voices chimed in at this point.
Filth!
Male!
Rubbage!
Fool!
Coward!
Male!
Weakling!
I already said male.
You did not.
Yeerk!
Slave!
Male!
I already SAID male!
I said it first!
Scientist!
Look, do you want to be run through?
Idiot!
Traitor!
Giant!
This, apparently, was the worst in the arsenal of insults, as the other Helmacrons gasped appreciatively. Then, with a sudden change in speed, the craft blasted out of sight.
There was a moment of silence. A bird sang some distance off.
Marco broke the bewildered silence. "Well. This is different."