Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter... O_o'
A/N: There are a lot of poems in this chapter I would greatly appreciate it if you read them all, I wrote these when I went through this exact crisis and it really works for this. Lily is very vain right now, but everything will change once she breaks free and matures ;). This chapter is somewhat of a bore and is distressing. I cried writing it remembering everything I went through in this... Reliving it was not easy, but after this things will almost pick up like JKR left it. :HINT, HINT: ENJOY! And please R&R once you have finished. I work faster when you send positive reviews.
Chapter: Overflowing Emotions ~
-Fighting the Wind-
She stands alone on a mountain;
The pitiless wind ruffles her hair and dries her tear-stricken face.
She's on her own, fighting to remain strong.
The wind is powerful but she holds on for nothing but you.
Love is very painful and as brutal and cruel it may be, also lays a very beautiful and graceful thing.
She must have him!
She climbed up the very top and fought the wind.
Love shall conquer all. –
Lily woke up on a Saturday and she got up and ready out of bed, and went downstairs to the common room.
~Lily's p.o.v.~
I sat on the couch in the deserted common room. What time is it? Just then, James came down the boy's steps and I quickly put my head in my hands and my hands on my knee.
I wonder if he still cares... James did see me and he started walking over, I could sense it.
I felt a hand on my back and looked up. "James" was the only word that came out of my
mouth.
He started to speak. "Lily, I'm so sorry. I can't do this... Not over the Christmas
holidays!
I should never have suggested we start over." he said.
"James, I want a relationship." I said to him.
"I can't give you one now." he said.
"I still don't understand. If you are so worried about hurting me, this is hurting me more than you could ever hurt me. Are you playing me for action?" I asked.
"I wish I could tell you, I just don't know. And I hate hurting girls, especially you;
You are so special to me. And no, I would never do those things with you for the action, I thought you liked it." he said.
"No, no! I do like it, a lot! But I feel that you are doing these things with me because you don't want a relationship but you want that stuff... and you know I would do them with you."
"I don't want you to have that impression. If you want, we can stop." he said.
"No, I just would rather do those things with a boyfriend..." I started.
"I know me too... OH! I have to go now to the library! Catch you later Lils!" he said that last part rushed.
"Of course... Bye..." I said under my breath.
~
It was finally Christmas time and people were leaving to go home for the holidays.
Lily and James would have those arguments every other day and nothing ever changed.
Lily was staying at Hogwarts for the holidays, and James was going home.
In fact, all of the other Gryffindors were leaving for the holidays, besides Lily and Anita.
~
It is just the second day of vacation... I am sure he will write me soon... He promised.
I miss him so much! I don't know how to deal without him... My heart aches so strongly and I want to sit in the dark, in the corner, curled up in a ball until he comes back to my side!
I could skip meals, I could cancel my Christmas presents... If there was anything I could do for him to be here right now!
Look at me! I am even crying... I don't cry... I don't cry! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!?
Am I just another girl? Some worthless girl... One amongst his fan club?? THEY DON'T KNOW HIM LIKE ME!
THEY SHOULD STOP LIKING HIM AND JUST GIVE UP!... Nobody understands...
I feel so played... How do I deal with this? Do I just give him the silent treatment?
Do I give up..? NO never I can't... But do I give him a test...? I am being too easy...
How can I play hard to get with him, if I could lose him that way... He could slip through my fingers...
AHH what do I do!? I am going mad! I can't just sit and let this get worse without an action.
If I go like this forever as just a good friend ... doing boyfriend- girlfriend things... It just isn't right!
But talking to him is useless! I have tried that almost every other day for the past two months!
Nothing ever changes, and I am wearing thin! And the thing that bothers me the most is that nobody knows a thing about us (Besides Anita and the girls.)
It almost feels like he is embarrassed of me... I wish he would just give me a straight answer dammit!
Maybe if I died he would care. I want to take a knife and cut out the part of me that cares for him. I want to be murdered brutally and watch my funeral to see if James sheds a tear.
I want to commit suicide so he knows it was because of him. I want to hurt him emotionally as he has done to me.
He has my life! I mold my time around his schedule to see him; I pass up studying when I need it.
My grades are slipping... My friendships are slipping... And he is wasting away MY life.
Who am I supposed to ask for help? Petunia doesn't give a fuck.
I can't talk to my parents about this kind of thing... And I'm not sure Anita would be able to help...
Oh well, it is worth a try...
~
Limelle was hiding behind a chair as she heard Lily talking to herself of her tactics.
"The poor child! I saw the future! I know they will be together... But this is just too complicating! At the rate James is going, he will screw everything up and she will hate him forever!" Lily's grandmother worriedly retreated out the common room to go for a midnight stroll.
~
Lily got out a piece of parchment and started writing to her sister Petunia, doubtfully.
Dear Petunia,
I know you could care less about me and you hate my guts, and I don't even know why I am writing to you... But I need help! I have gotten involved with this guy James Potter. It seems like he is using me for things couples do... But we are not together and I know he is not doing that. But he is keeping that stuff hidden from everyone, and I am afraid I have truly fallen in love. He says he loves me, but he won't tell me why we can't go out. He says he isn't embarrassed of me... And that he is in love with another girl... Maranna... He loves me more... But he insists that it is unfair to me. I am going crazy, so crazy as you can tell that I even asked YOU for advice. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, put the fact that you hate me aside, and please help!
Always, your sister-- Lily Evans.
Lily put the letter in an envelope and scrawled Petunia's name on the front. She decided to wait to send it in a day or two.
Just then, Anita walked in the room. "Hey Lily flower, what's shaking?"
"Oh, nothing..." Lily said uncertainly.
"Sure... Lily, I'm not stupid. The other girls have noticed your distance with us too. It has been over a month. Please, tell me what the hell is going on? Is it James?"
Lily sighed. "Yes, I am so fucked up! I want to die!"
Lily spilled out her whole story to Anita, full feelings and all, along with a flood of tears.
"Shhh... It will be okay. You know you don't need James. There are plenty of guys out there." Anita comforted Lily with a soaking wet shirt gouged in Lily's tears.
~
(Lily's Diary entry the next day)
Dear Diary:
I miss James so fucking much! That talk I had with Anita did help my strength... But I can't bear the thought of not being with him... Or him kissing another girl... Imagining James holding another girl like he holds me shreds me to the tiniest pieces! Today was the worst Christmas I have ever had in my life... And I can't wait for break to be over so I can see James! But there was one good thing... I got a short card from James. Although I wrote James a poem of my love for him, his card was still good. It reads,
Dear Jenna,
I am sorry it could not be more,
I just want you to know that I
think you are an amazing
person!
Love, Your retard- James
That retard thing is funny. I remember when we were talking, and we were debating over which one of us was more retarded... And we agreed we were both each others' retards... I put the card in my locked trunk. I have gone to my trunk and read and kissed it at least 10,000 times today. I MISS HIM SOO MUCH! DAMN HIM!
My emotions are overflowing; I think I shall write some poems:
I have been thinking about him and Maranna and how he even walks her to classes he doesn't have with her and carries her books...
I love you so much, enough to let you touch.
You got under my skin; I'll never let you leave.
I'll give it all to you, what are you giving to me?
One glance of your face and I forget every trace.
I walk the other way, the way that leads to you.
In my heart I know you don't go out of your way as i do for you.
In my heart I know you don't love me as much as i love you.
In my heart I know you don't pass anyone up for me as you do for her.
Even while having the knowledge of these things i still give you my all, everything I have to give.
I know it's wrong to give you play, you tell me it's wrong too.
But what can I do, it's all too natural, I can't not touch you.
It is hard for me to go about knowing you don't make sacrifices for me, would you if I was dead?
As I dream of this a smile comes to my face.
Then soon after it's replaced with a frown, I could never put him through that pain.
For that would be no good, for even though he gives me pain, I love him and I never could.
You never wait in the common room for me, I see you outside hers all the time.
I walk by it often to find you, even if you have no time. (Although I never say hi)
You always spend time the other friends of yours.
I feel cast aside.
I drop all my plans for you, and you blow me off.
If only you weren't so perfect, if only I could hate you.
But I can never hate you, you're my everything.
But I hate myself, and yet all I ever need now, and forever more is you.
And I also have these other emotions...:
Lying on the floor, cradling my wounds, wounds of not being next to you. A bitter crime, cruel and merciless. I want you to be near oh so badly. I cannot sleep, I cannot breathe,
I cannot feel nor think. For inside I already am when you are not there to wake up my soul. Only you can send me that passion. My longing for you cannot be measured.
You are my dearest. I lay dying without you, rotting in pain all around.
Wherever and whenever you are now come to me, let me seek you and have my deep wish. Come to me or I shall no longer be. You are so brutal in your ways of not always being with me. I need you always and forever. Do not kill me, please, for then I can never be with you again. Do not let me die by myself. I love you- Never leave me again for a second. Come back!
Paper Heart-
My heart is made of paper, nothing but the thinness of it all. It used to be thick like a stuffed animal but you ripped out the stuffing and left it bare. You wormed yourself in so it would explode although you never quite succeeded. You never cared if it was to tear or did you want it torn in the first place? Hearts are made to pump blood and breathe. But you taught it to seethe. The paper gets flimsy every day and deteriorates with every say.
I should make my heart to be glass but glass cannot be ripped away. For every heart beat is like a drum of glee for death. Any day now my heart will be possessed and I will no longer be. I ponder if there is blood in my heart, maybe just ink and black globs of mortal pleas. My heart is made of paper no thanks to cruelty of mankind. You shall write on it and sign it as 'You Shall Die.'
This pain inside is just too strong, I can't admit how this is wrong, I can't move on.
Every second the pain grows deeper, and every time my strength gets weaker. I can't even think of you with someone else, I can't even think of kissing another. My heart mind and soul scream in agony whilst you rest with your best. I miss hearing your heartbeat from your chest, and the way you hold me like I am something of worth. All I do is curl up in a little ball on the ground for I am so tired and worn out. All I needed was you by the end of the day for I just wish you would stay. I wish you were here right now, to take my breath away since you always know how.
~
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. . -repeats this to herself-
A/N: This chapter I am sure was frustrating for all the readers. It is not always a joy to listen to some lovesick insane girl ramble about the great guy. But it has a meaning. Hint: Limelle was foreshadowing! R&R = Me update new chapter sooner! Always—Jenna ^_^
A/N: There are a lot of poems in this chapter I would greatly appreciate it if you read them all, I wrote these when I went through this exact crisis and it really works for this. Lily is very vain right now, but everything will change once she breaks free and matures ;). This chapter is somewhat of a bore and is distressing. I cried writing it remembering everything I went through in this... Reliving it was not easy, but after this things will almost pick up like JKR left it. :HINT, HINT: ENJOY! And please R&R once you have finished. I work faster when you send positive reviews.
Chapter: Overflowing Emotions ~
-Fighting the Wind-
She stands alone on a mountain;
The pitiless wind ruffles her hair and dries her tear-stricken face.
She's on her own, fighting to remain strong.
The wind is powerful but she holds on for nothing but you.
Love is very painful and as brutal and cruel it may be, also lays a very beautiful and graceful thing.
She must have him!
She climbed up the very top and fought the wind.
Love shall conquer all. –
Lily woke up on a Saturday and she got up and ready out of bed, and went downstairs to the common room.
~Lily's p.o.v.~
I sat on the couch in the deserted common room. What time is it? Just then, James came down the boy's steps and I quickly put my head in my hands and my hands on my knee.
I wonder if he still cares... James did see me and he started walking over, I could sense it.
I felt a hand on my back and looked up. "James" was the only word that came out of my
mouth.
He started to speak. "Lily, I'm so sorry. I can't do this... Not over the Christmas
holidays!
I should never have suggested we start over." he said.
"James, I want a relationship." I said to him.
"I can't give you one now." he said.
"I still don't understand. If you are so worried about hurting me, this is hurting me more than you could ever hurt me. Are you playing me for action?" I asked.
"I wish I could tell you, I just don't know. And I hate hurting girls, especially you;
You are so special to me. And no, I would never do those things with you for the action, I thought you liked it." he said.
"No, no! I do like it, a lot! But I feel that you are doing these things with me because you don't want a relationship but you want that stuff... and you know I would do them with you."
"I don't want you to have that impression. If you want, we can stop." he said.
"No, I just would rather do those things with a boyfriend..." I started.
"I know me too... OH! I have to go now to the library! Catch you later Lils!" he said that last part rushed.
"Of course... Bye..." I said under my breath.
~
It was finally Christmas time and people were leaving to go home for the holidays.
Lily and James would have those arguments every other day and nothing ever changed.
Lily was staying at Hogwarts for the holidays, and James was going home.
In fact, all of the other Gryffindors were leaving for the holidays, besides Lily and Anita.
~
It is just the second day of vacation... I am sure he will write me soon... He promised.
I miss him so much! I don't know how to deal without him... My heart aches so strongly and I want to sit in the dark, in the corner, curled up in a ball until he comes back to my side!
I could skip meals, I could cancel my Christmas presents... If there was anything I could do for him to be here right now!
Look at me! I am even crying... I don't cry... I don't cry! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!?
Am I just another girl? Some worthless girl... One amongst his fan club?? THEY DON'T KNOW HIM LIKE ME!
THEY SHOULD STOP LIKING HIM AND JUST GIVE UP!... Nobody understands...
I feel so played... How do I deal with this? Do I just give him the silent treatment?
Do I give up..? NO never I can't... But do I give him a test...? I am being too easy...
How can I play hard to get with him, if I could lose him that way... He could slip through my fingers...
AHH what do I do!? I am going mad! I can't just sit and let this get worse without an action.
If I go like this forever as just a good friend ... doing boyfriend- girlfriend things... It just isn't right!
But talking to him is useless! I have tried that almost every other day for the past two months!
Nothing ever changes, and I am wearing thin! And the thing that bothers me the most is that nobody knows a thing about us (Besides Anita and the girls.)
It almost feels like he is embarrassed of me... I wish he would just give me a straight answer dammit!
Maybe if I died he would care. I want to take a knife and cut out the part of me that cares for him. I want to be murdered brutally and watch my funeral to see if James sheds a tear.
I want to commit suicide so he knows it was because of him. I want to hurt him emotionally as he has done to me.
He has my life! I mold my time around his schedule to see him; I pass up studying when I need it.
My grades are slipping... My friendships are slipping... And he is wasting away MY life.
Who am I supposed to ask for help? Petunia doesn't give a fuck.
I can't talk to my parents about this kind of thing... And I'm not sure Anita would be able to help...
Oh well, it is worth a try...
~
Limelle was hiding behind a chair as she heard Lily talking to herself of her tactics.
"The poor child! I saw the future! I know they will be together... But this is just too complicating! At the rate James is going, he will screw everything up and she will hate him forever!" Lily's grandmother worriedly retreated out the common room to go for a midnight stroll.
~
Lily got out a piece of parchment and started writing to her sister Petunia, doubtfully.
Dear Petunia,
I know you could care less about me and you hate my guts, and I don't even know why I am writing to you... But I need help! I have gotten involved with this guy James Potter. It seems like he is using me for things couples do... But we are not together and I know he is not doing that. But he is keeping that stuff hidden from everyone, and I am afraid I have truly fallen in love. He says he loves me, but he won't tell me why we can't go out. He says he isn't embarrassed of me... And that he is in love with another girl... Maranna... He loves me more... But he insists that it is unfair to me. I am going crazy, so crazy as you can tell that I even asked YOU for advice. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, put the fact that you hate me aside, and please help!
Always, your sister-- Lily Evans.
Lily put the letter in an envelope and scrawled Petunia's name on the front. She decided to wait to send it in a day or two.
Just then, Anita walked in the room. "Hey Lily flower, what's shaking?"
"Oh, nothing..." Lily said uncertainly.
"Sure... Lily, I'm not stupid. The other girls have noticed your distance with us too. It has been over a month. Please, tell me what the hell is going on? Is it James?"
Lily sighed. "Yes, I am so fucked up! I want to die!"
Lily spilled out her whole story to Anita, full feelings and all, along with a flood of tears.
"Shhh... It will be okay. You know you don't need James. There are plenty of guys out there." Anita comforted Lily with a soaking wet shirt gouged in Lily's tears.
~
(Lily's Diary entry the next day)
Dear Diary:
I miss James so fucking much! That talk I had with Anita did help my strength... But I can't bear the thought of not being with him... Or him kissing another girl... Imagining James holding another girl like he holds me shreds me to the tiniest pieces! Today was the worst Christmas I have ever had in my life... And I can't wait for break to be over so I can see James! But there was one good thing... I got a short card from James. Although I wrote James a poem of my love for him, his card was still good. It reads,
Dear Jenna,
I am sorry it could not be more,
I just want you to know that I
think you are an amazing
person!
Love, Your retard- James
That retard thing is funny. I remember when we were talking, and we were debating over which one of us was more retarded... And we agreed we were both each others' retards... I put the card in my locked trunk. I have gone to my trunk and read and kissed it at least 10,000 times today. I MISS HIM SOO MUCH! DAMN HIM!
My emotions are overflowing; I think I shall write some poems:
I have been thinking about him and Maranna and how he even walks her to classes he doesn't have with her and carries her books...
I love you so much, enough to let you touch.
You got under my skin; I'll never let you leave.
I'll give it all to you, what are you giving to me?
One glance of your face and I forget every trace.
I walk the other way, the way that leads to you.
In my heart I know you don't go out of your way as i do for you.
In my heart I know you don't love me as much as i love you.
In my heart I know you don't pass anyone up for me as you do for her.
Even while having the knowledge of these things i still give you my all, everything I have to give.
I know it's wrong to give you play, you tell me it's wrong too.
But what can I do, it's all too natural, I can't not touch you.
It is hard for me to go about knowing you don't make sacrifices for me, would you if I was dead?
As I dream of this a smile comes to my face.
Then soon after it's replaced with a frown, I could never put him through that pain.
For that would be no good, for even though he gives me pain, I love him and I never could.
You never wait in the common room for me, I see you outside hers all the time.
I walk by it often to find you, even if you have no time. (Although I never say hi)
You always spend time the other friends of yours.
I feel cast aside.
I drop all my plans for you, and you blow me off.
If only you weren't so perfect, if only I could hate you.
But I can never hate you, you're my everything.
But I hate myself, and yet all I ever need now, and forever more is you.
And I also have these other emotions...:
Lying on the floor, cradling my wounds, wounds of not being next to you. A bitter crime, cruel and merciless. I want you to be near oh so badly. I cannot sleep, I cannot breathe,
I cannot feel nor think. For inside I already am when you are not there to wake up my soul. Only you can send me that passion. My longing for you cannot be measured.
You are my dearest. I lay dying without you, rotting in pain all around.
Wherever and whenever you are now come to me, let me seek you and have my deep wish. Come to me or I shall no longer be. You are so brutal in your ways of not always being with me. I need you always and forever. Do not kill me, please, for then I can never be with you again. Do not let me die by myself. I love you- Never leave me again for a second. Come back!
Paper Heart-
My heart is made of paper, nothing but the thinness of it all. It used to be thick like a stuffed animal but you ripped out the stuffing and left it bare. You wormed yourself in so it would explode although you never quite succeeded. You never cared if it was to tear or did you want it torn in the first place? Hearts are made to pump blood and breathe. But you taught it to seethe. The paper gets flimsy every day and deteriorates with every say.
I should make my heart to be glass but glass cannot be ripped away. For every heart beat is like a drum of glee for death. Any day now my heart will be possessed and I will no longer be. I ponder if there is blood in my heart, maybe just ink and black globs of mortal pleas. My heart is made of paper no thanks to cruelty of mankind. You shall write on it and sign it as 'You Shall Die.'
This pain inside is just too strong, I can't admit how this is wrong, I can't move on.
Every second the pain grows deeper, and every time my strength gets weaker. I can't even think of you with someone else, I can't even think of kissing another. My heart mind and soul scream in agony whilst you rest with your best. I miss hearing your heartbeat from your chest, and the way you hold me like I am something of worth. All I do is curl up in a little ball on the ground for I am so tired and worn out. All I needed was you by the end of the day for I just wish you would stay. I wish you were here right now, to take my breath away since you always know how.
~
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. . -repeats this to herself-
A/N: This chapter I am sure was frustrating for all the readers. It is not always a joy to listen to some lovesick insane girl ramble about the great guy. But it has a meaning. Hint: Limelle was foreshadowing! R&R = Me update new chapter sooner! Always—Jenna ^_^