The Rose
Some say love, it is a river, that drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor, that leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger, an endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower, and you its only seed.
Its the heart, afraid of breaking, that never learns to dance.
It's the dream, afraid of waking, that never takes the chance.
It's the one, who won't be taken, who cannot seem to give,
And the soul, afraid of dying, that never learns to live.
When the night has been too lonely, and the road has been too long,
And you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong,
Just remember, in the winter, far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed, that with the sun's love in the spring becomes
THE ROSE
(song "The Rose": by Amanda McBroom/Fox)
Colonel O'Neill had just left the room, and Sam turned her head on the pillow and closed her eyes again. She was still very tired and her whole body felt incredibly weak. Just keeping her eyes open was taking all her stregth. Though, she did not feel bad. She was safe and cared for, and finally the heavy weight of responsibility had been taken away from her - responsibility for saving herself, responsibility for the Prometheus and its safe return and responsibility for the whole crew. Along with her head-injury and her decreasing possibility of thinking straight and holding on to consiciousness, the responsibility had been too much, as well as the pressure of somehow having to save herself because she had not been ready to give up.
Now it was over, and Sam almost couldn't believe it. For one moment she thought she might still be on the Prometheus, now having hallucinations, but when she turned her head on the crisp white sheets, touched them with a still shaky hand, she knew this was real and her ordeal was really over.
Still she was terribly tired, but right at this moment, she couldn't get herself to sleep again. Her memory was full of pictures, short, unconnected, like slights shown randomly on a moving screen. Most of the pictures were of Daniel and Teal'c, and of Colonel Jack O'Neill, and Sam blushed when she remembered how she had called him "Jack" just after she had woken up. However, Colonel O'Neill had excused her little stepping over the line with her head injury, easygoing and uncomplicated as he always seemed. It only deepened Sam's gratitude that she felt towards him for everything he had given her during the four days she had spent on the ship in loneliness.
Sam's mind started wandering. She remembered the moments of privacy and intimacy they both had shared during the last years, moments that had sometimes involved stepping slightly over the line of legality, though, on several occasions, under the influence of alien technologies or viruses - or of the pressure which these had created. And although officially it was not allowed, although they kept calling each other "Colonel" and "Major" or "Sir" and "Carter", there was a special, invisible bond between them, a bond neither of them shared with Teal'c or Daniel in such an incredibly deep and intensive way.
Sam remembered how, when Dr. Samantha Carter and Major Kawalsky from the parallel reality had been staying at the base, she had envied the Dr. Carter from the other reality because that woman had been free to have the relationship with Colonel Jack O'Neill which Major Samantha Carter would never be allowed to have. Learning that, in the other reality, her equal image had been married to the man she had desired to love for so long, had been a shock at first, and then she had started to feel the tiny pricks of envy. However, back then she had asked herself if she would rather like to have been married to Jack O'Neill and to lose him or if she would prefer the uniform and the military standing between them and their possibility of sharing open, unrestrained love, but have him alive, seeing him every day. The envy had vanished then and when Sam had tried to imagine the loss which her image from the other reality must have felt, it had changed to pity - and to gratitude for what she still had.
Sam also recalled the Colonel's confession when Anise had tried to find out if her and the Colonel's minds had been manipulated by the Goa'uld. She remembered how she had felt touched and slightly embarassed, happy, yet at the same time frustrated, when hearing the Colonel tell Anise that he felt more for his 2IC than he was supposed or allowed to feel. Sam had silently hoped that this confession, the revelation of their close relationship would change anything, but at the same time she had known it would not, not unless one of them quit the Air Force - which was something neither of them wanted to do.
So during the following years which they had spent working together, they had stayed professional and official with each other, except of some moments in special situations which nobody ever talked about afterwards. Sam was aware that the General knew there was more to their relationship than they were showing in their professional behaviour towards each other, as well as Janet Fraiser knew it, as well as also Daniel and Teal'c knew it. Ever since, Sam had been appreciating their silence about her and the Colonel's special relationship, yet, at the same time, their wordless understanding. Sam remembered how Teal'c had comforted her when Colonel O'Neill and Mayborne had disappeared, when finding them had seemed to be impossible which had made Sam feel as if a piece of herself had been ripped away from her. She had not needed to explain anything because Teal'c had perfectly understood how she had been feeling, and why.
And even the General had never tried to reveal the private aspects of their relationship. They had never behaved inappropriately, and it seemed like the General had been acceptingthe feelings that the two members of his first team were sharing, as long as they stayed professional on the outside and did not break the rules. Sometimes this had filled Sam with pride as it had meant to her that the General entirely trusted in her and Colonel O'Neill not doing anything that would be against the orders.
Sam's thoughts returned to her present situation and to what Jack O'Neill had told her on the Prometheus... well, in fact it had not really been Jack O'Neill, but a part of Sam's own subconsicious, but it had been so realistic and it had undoubtedly been influenced by the Colonel's behaviour towards her. So, in a strange way, it had been Colonel Jack O'Neill whom she had talked with at the Prometheus, as well as, in this incomprehensable way, her father had been with her and talked to her. Sam recalled what he had told her: She had denied herself the experience of love because she had feared it to end in pain and loneliness - and it was time for her to give up control, to let things go.
Jack O'Neill later had confirmed what her father had told her. He had made Sam realize, that she had been clinging to the desire of her and Jack O'Neill being togehter, in order to avoid being hurt by anybody else. That did not mean she did not feel anything for him though, the desires had been real and still were. However, Sam began to understand that the relationship between her and Colonel Jack O'Neill was different from any relationship that she could possibly have with any other man.
She and the Colonel had often faced death togehter, as well as torture, loss, fear, physical and emotional pain. They had gone through so many experiences together and they had learned to entirely trust in each other. Basically, it was the same with Daniel and Teal'c, however, the special feelings for each other that she and the Colonel shared, had deepened the trust and the mutual understanding, it had brougth them very close together, closer than she could ever imagine to be with Teal'c or Daniel.
On the Prometheus he - or the image that was he - had told her he would always be there for her, and it was maybe this promise which comforted her the most. He would be there for her, but not that much as a lover. He would be there for her as her friend, as her protective older brother, as her comrade, as her helper and comforter and, within all this, as well as her lover. However, he would always be more than a lover to her, more than any boyfriend could ever be. They shared the most important, the worst and the most beautiful experiences and they had learned to trust each other in every situation. They had helped each other, they had supported each other and they had fought for each other's lives. Their relationship which had developed during all these years was deeper and more intensive than she imagined a relationship with any boyfriend could ever be. And although they did not talk much about private matters, they knew each other very well and therefore understood each other. And they highly respected and admired each other.
Sam had been thinking that the ultimate fulfillment of this relationship would be her and Jack O'Neill becoming lovers, but now she suddenly realized they were beyond that point. They already had more than lovers could ever have, just not that much in the physical way. She had been too narrow-minded to allow herself this conclusion before, and besides, she had been afraid she might lose him if she did not cling to the imagination of them getting togehter, to the hope of all the borders being overcome one day.
And suddenly, Sam felt a wave of joy and relief rush through her exhausted body, flooding her until she felt as if she had just been filled with brightness until she was beaming as if she were surrounded by a halo. The emotion was so strong it brought silent tears to her eyes and curved her lips into a slight smile, and had she not been entirely exhausted, she would have had to keep herself from dancing. She realized that she could never lose Jack O'Neill, not matter what would happen to her in the future.
"I will always be there for you." he had said, and Sam believed him. He would bethere for her, whatever happened, she could rely on that. This was the basis, the core of their relationship, this was what made them fight for each other's lives, what made them protect, hold and understand each other, what was keeping up the trust, even in a battlefield or under torture. He would never fail her, and she would never fail him.
At the same time, her realization of what the relationship with her superior officer was all about, gave her exactly what her father had wished for her: The freedom of allowing somebody else to love her, and of allowing herself to love this person back in return. While, up to this point, Sam had settled her hope on a future lover's relationship with Jack O'Neill, of which she had known it would never come true unless one of them quit the Air Force, she was now free and ready for another man entering her live as a lover. He would not take anything away that O'Neill had given her, he could not destroy or harm the relationship she shared with her Colonel. All a man who fell in love with her could do was to add another aspect of beauty and happiness and contentment to her life, to make her life even more exciting and intensive than it already was.
Sam turned her head on the pillow and closed her eyes again, allowing exhaustion and fatigue again to overcome her. It was amazing it had taken her so long to realize what her father and Colonel O'Neill had been able to tell her in a few sentences on the Prometheus. However, it was not too late, she could still fall in love.
Again enjoying the feeling of being safe, protected and taken care of, Sam fell asleep once more, allowing her body to recover from the past four days. "Far beneath the bitter snows lies the seed, that with the sun's love, in the spring, becomes the rose."