L-chan's notes: I'm not quite sure what to call this chapter—either angsty fluff or fluffy angst. I still don't know how it ended up going where it did. But anyway, thanks bunches to all of you for reading this far.

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1.

Shadows

Chapter 11—Forever, For Now

"What the hell?"

Touya glanced up from his lecture notes to see Tomoyo scowling at her textbook. He wondered if he'd only imagined her sweet voice speaking such coarse words. "I'm sorry... did you just swear?" he asked with a tinge of amusement.

"I guess I did. Maybe I've been spending too much time with you." Tomoyo turned her chemistry book around and showed him the perplexing page. "I'm just not getting this. Will you help me?"

"We covered that in class today. Where are your notes?"

"In my bag." She made no move to get up from the sofa. "Are we having a quiz on this? Because if we aren't, I'm not going to bother."

"You know I can't tell you that. It wouldn't be fair."

"Well, then what's the point of dating the teacher?" she grumbled, shutting her book with a frustrated sigh.

He tried not to laugh as he set his papers on the coffee table. "Come over here, and I'll show you." She crossed her arms petulantly and remained on her side of the sofa. "Oh, come on, Tomoyo. You're not seriously mad."

No, she wasn't, but she was determined to keep her pout up as long as she could. He wasn't buying it, if the subtle arch of his dark eyebrows was any indication. It wouldn't be any fun to give in, though. There had to be a way to make him crack first. "If I kiss you, will you tell me if we're having a quiz tomorrow?" she asked with only the slightest trace of teasing in her voice.

The space between them on the sofa immediately disappeared as Touya took her chin in his hand and tilted her head back. "Let's find out." She opened her mouth, probably to say that she was just teasing him, but her words were lost as he kissed her hard.

Tomoyo was so shocked by the suddenness of his kiss that she couldn't move. He was getting back at her for her little joke, and doing a darn good job of it, too. But slowly, his lips softened, and she found herself eagerly responding to those gentler caresses. His fingers brushed over her cheek before sliding into her hair, and she knew that she had lost this round. Heat spread over her skin as the kiss went on, and she was more than a little disappointed when he finally pulled away.

He studied her for a moment as if he were seriously considering something, and then he grinned at her. "Nope. I'm still not going to tell you."

She would have laughed if it weren't for the crazy beating of her heart. So far, their study-date had been more "study" than "date," and it was time for that to change. Maybe he didn't mean to start anything, but she'd tasted the headiness of pent-up passion in his kiss, and she wanted more.

She was just staring at him. He hadn't meant to kiss her like that, which was why he slowed down when he felt her stiffen. He knew it was too much, but he tended to forget how limited her experience was. He tended to forget a lot of things when he was with her. What is she thinking? We were just kidding around, right? Should I—

He lost his train of thought when she leaned forward and kissed him, gripping his shoulders as she pressed her lips against his urgently. Telling himself that it was just a simple kiss, he wrapped his arms around her and let her get even with him by taking whatever she wanted.

It was rather spontaneous of her to kiss him like that. She almost never kissed him first, instead waiting for him, but now she'd begun to have more confidence and courage, which was evident as she slid her fingers through his thick hair and kissed him with her innocent ardor.

Just a kiss. A simple kiss. But somewhere deep inside, he knew it was more complicated than that. He didn't want to acknowledge that over the past couple of weeks, his feelings had been slowly getting beyond his control. Every time he kissed her, he wanted to kiss her again. Every time he held her, it was harder to let go. He'd never felt such an overwhelming need to touch someone constantly before. It was as if he was trying to reassure himself that she was there, that she was real. And not only that. He simply liked touching her. A lot.

When he was with her, he didn't want to think about anything else. They'd been having so much fun together lately, and he'd been trying just to live in the moment, but he'd never been very good at that. The initial excitement and newness of it all had been overtaken by the reality of what he was doing by getting any more involved with her. Sometimes things would creep into his mind, telling him that this couldn't last, but then she would laugh or tease him, and everything would seem all right again. But it was worse when he was alone, because then his fears and doubts could plague him without distraction. They started swarming in his mind now, and he forcefully pushed them aside. He held her tighter as he turned their kiss into something more, a desperate need to forget his doubts. But he couldn't. He couldn't forget. So he tried harder.

It had never been like this before. The kisses they'd shared had always been lovely and sweet, but this was different. It just went deeper and deeper, like he was trying to convince himself of something, searching her mouth for the answer. She could feel her heart pounding like it was about to burst, and the exhilaration flowed through her veins. If there was more than this, she didn't know if she'd be able to handle it, but she wanted to find out.

And then she felt his hands slide around from behind her back and come to rest on her shoulders. No, they were on her neck, then on the collar of her school blouse. She always took off her constricting tie after school, so nothing was in his way as his fingers deftly unfastened the top button. And then the next one. He held open that small V of virginal white cotton and put his lips to her neck, to the hollow of her throat, and she instinctively tilted her head back for him.

The dampness created by his mouth made her perfume stronger, somehow, and he focused all of his concentration on the soft floral scent. Just that. That, and the silky texture of her pale skin.

She felt hot, so hot, all over, and she whimpered like a newborn kitten as his fingers moved down to the next button.

But that small sound cut through his haze like a knife. He practically leapt off the sofa and strode a few quick paces around the room. He swore under his breath, twice, raking a hand through his hair as he turned away from her.

Her cheeks were flushed as she rebuttoned her blouse, but not out of embarrassment. She'd loved the feel of his mouth against her skin, and she knew she should have been ashamed of her behavior, but she was only sorry that he'd stopped. "What's wrong?" she asked, and she hardly recognized the breathy sound of her own voice.

He groaned silently, frustrated with himself more than anything else, but he still didn't look at her. What the hell was I doing? As if things aren't complicated enough already. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for that to happen."

That wasn't what was bothering him. Well, maybe it was, but it wasn't the main thing. She saw it in his eyes before he turned away. "I'm not talking about that. What's wrong, Touya?"

He pulled out his desk chair and sat down, crossing his legs uncomfortably. He ran a hand over his eyes and shook his head. "I don't know if I can do this," he answered quietly.

"Do what, exactly?" But she had a feeling she knew what he meant. It wasn't about kissing her. It was about everything that was happening between them.

How was he supposed to explain? It had seemed like everything was fine, but lately he'd just become more confused. He'd tried ignoring these doubts, but after what just happened, he had to face them. "I can't be in another doomed relationship." His words were even quieter this time, and she had to strain to hear them. "We're not supposed to be together. It's not right. We need to stop this now, before I hurt you." And before he did something really stupid, like falling in love with her.

But it was right. She could feel it. "Why are you saying this now? I thought we were going to try. And it was working."

"I thought we could make it work. I wanted to." He met her gaze now, because she deserved that much. "But it's like a pattern with me. I get involved with people I shouldn't, and it never works. I should know that by now."

He was wrong, and if she could understand why he was thinking this way, then she'd be able to make him see it. "Do you want to tell me about it?" she asked softly.

He didn't want to, but he knew he had to. He shoved a hand through his hair again and prepared to tell her a vague, abbreviated version of the past, because it was the only way she was going to understand why he couldn't do this again. "At least Kaho had an incredible opportunity in front of her, even if she had to go halfway around the world for it. What was I supposed to say to that? But, with Yuki, well... that was just a bad idea from the beginning, wasn't it?"

She listened to him talk, and maybe she should have felt jealousy, hearing about the people he once cared about. But she didn't. She had to be philosophical about it. Those experiences were what made him who he was. And if he was concerned or confused about what was going on between them, or more accurately, where it was headed, then it had to mean that his feelings for her had changed, maybe even grown stronger. He surely wouldn't bring this up unless it was important to their relationship.

He'd done so much for her, and she wondered if he even knew that. Just a few short months ago, when school started, she'd been troubled by the changes in her life, the way her friends had drifted away from her, and the way her mother was trying to plan her future. She'd felt so alone. And, somehow, seeing him again after so many months had given her something to look forward to. She didn't know how they'd ended up talking at first, but it had been a huge help to her when she needed someone. It wasn't that her problems had magically disappeared, but more like she felt that someone was on her side. She was so grateful for his friendship during that time, and now she was genuinely happy again. And her immature feelings for him slowly became something more.

She knew that there was an amazing physical attraction between them, and sometimes it scared her a little, thinking about where that could lead. But she loved it when he kissed her or touched her, even if it was something as simple as putting his arm around her when they watched videos, because it was an extension of how he felt about her. And the way they could talk or joke or play simple piano duets together, all of it just made her fall a little more. She felt connected to him, a feeling she'd never had with anyone else, and she wasn't willing to let that go yet. Besides, if it wasn't right, then we wouldn't be here. For now, it's the right place for both of us to be.

That was it. That's what she had to make him understand. "But, even considering all of that, you still were supposed to be with them, weren't you?" she said when he was finished.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, you don't believe in coincidences." He'd written it in that book several times, and once even double-underlined it for emphasis. Had he forgotten?

"No, I don't," he affirmed slowly. "So?"

"So, if there are no coincidences, then, for whatever reason, you were supposed to be with them at that time. And now, for whatever reason, you're supposed to be with me."

"But both times before, it ended badly. I don't want to go through that again, and I don't want to put you through that, either."

Tomoyo found the flaw in his argument and jumped on it. "How do you know? How do you know that it will happen again?"

That was the thing. He didn't know. He just had a feeling. But that was because of the past. When he focused on the present, everything was fine. It was when he thought about the past that his fears surfaced. He needed to learn how to leave the past behind.

Could she help him do that? Was that why they were together?

There are no coincidences.

She walked over to his chair and knelt down beside him, resting her head against his thigh. "I'm not ready to give up yet. We're together for a reason. Can't we just take this one day at a time and see what happens?"

Touya didn't answer, but his hand was absently stroking her hair. He wanted to believe her. He just didn't know if he was brave enough. He didn't know if his heart would be able to take it again.

"I want you to be happy," she whispered. "That's all that matters. But, if being with me doesn't make you happy, then—"

"It does," he interrupted her quietly. "I swear."

"Then I think it's worth it."

She was right, wasn't she? Maybe it was meant to be, and maybe it wasn't. But just because you knew that you were eventually going to die, did you go jump off a cliff and get it over with? No. You lived and enjoyed every day you were given until your time came. That's what he had to do now. Even if it had to end one day, he was going to make the most of the time he had with her. He would be happy for now and worry about the future later. There was nothing he could do about it, anyway.

And one day, he would discover why fate had brought them together.

And maybe he would even learn to stop coming up with such dreadful analogies.

"Come here," he said softly. When she stood up, he pulled her down onto his lap and wrapped his arms around her, resting his cheek against her hair. "How did you get to be so wise? Are you really only sixteen?"

"I'll be seventeen in a few weeks," she informed him with all the seriousness of a six-year-old declaring that she was actually six-and-a-half. She hated reminding him of the disparity in their ages.

"Oh, well, that explains it." He let the soft fragrance of her perfume calm him, and he let her twine her fingers through his. "Please don't pay any attention to me. I don't know what I'm talking about half the time."

"It's always good to hear a teacher say that." She heard him chuckle, and it warmed her heart. She knew he didn't like to talk about these things, but it was better than keeping them all bottled up inside. She could feel the tension leave his body as he held her. "So, we're okay?"

"Yeah, we're okay."

"Good." She settled against him, and they sat together in a comfortable silence. But she couldn't help worrying that he would start dwelling on those things again if it stayed quiet for too long. "You know what?" she said suddenly. "I think you need to have a little fun. Come with me." She took his hand and led him back to his bedroom.

But before he could protest the inappropriateness of what she was suggesting, not that he was completely against it—in theory, that is—she let him go and moved on to open his closet. "What are your plans for Saturday?" she asked, studying the closet's contents with a careful eye, even though she didn't yet know what she was looking for.

He had no idea what she was getting at, but he'd play along, for now. "I have a lot of work to do. Since the term ends next week, I have to finish getting the exam ready and start on my paperwork to turn in to the administration office. You have no idea how much paperwork teachers do. It's insane."

"Can you do all that on Sunday?"

"I suppose I could. But I thought we'd spend Sunday afternoon together, as usual."

She shook her head as she stood on her tiptoes to see what was on the closet shelf. Apparently she was looking for something specific, although he didn't know what. "I can't. I have another study-date."

His dark eyes narrowed. "With who?"

She giggled at the unrestrained jealousy in his voice. She turned around slowly and made an exaggerated show of looking around for unwanted eavesdroppers. Then she cupped her hand against her mouth and loudly whispered, "With your sister."

He rolled his eyes, but he couldn't hold back a smile. "You think you're so funny, don't you?"

"I try." Tomoyo continued her search, making a sound of triumph as she grabbed something from the back of the shelf. "Do you have any sunglasses?"

"Somewhere, I guess."

"Good. Wear them Saturday, with this."

Touya involuntarily reached out to catch the item she tossed his way. "A baseball cap," he said skeptically. He cocked an amused eyebrow at her. "Should I wear anything else?"

"I'll leave that up to you." She went to him and slid her arms around his waist. "How would you like to spend Saturday afternoon in the city?"

"In the city."

"Yes."

"With you?"

"No, with your other girlfriend."

Girlfriend. That wasn't a word they had used before, and he decided he rather liked the sound of it. "We can't. What if someone from school sees us together?"

"Ah, but you see, that's where the hats and sunglasses come in."

"Hats and sunglasses. This is your plan?"

Actually, it wasn't so much a plan as it was an impulsive attempt to take his mind off the serious discussion they'd had. But now that she'd come up with it, she thought it was a pretty good idea. If they were going to try to take their relationship one day at a time and just enjoy being together, then a little fun was definitely in order. And she knew they wouldn't be able to keep up the pretense of coincidentally bumping into each other for very long, especially now that the park's movie series had ended. So, yes, this was her plan. "Why? What's wrong with it?"

"Nothing, if we were five and everyone else was blind."

"You're so paranoid. No one will even notice us. Do you know how many people are in the city on any given day?"

"Ten?" he joked.

"At least. So, what do you say?" She looked up at him, and he seemed to be thinking it over. "We can pretend that we're famous actors, poorly disguised in our hats and sunglasses, hoping that our adoring public will leave us in peace."

He chuckled as he pressed a kiss to her forehead. He knew he couldn't refuse her anything. And it did sound like fun. "Okay."

"Really?"

"But if no one asks for our autographs, I will be incredibly disappointed."

-----

As planned, they both arrived at the train station at eleven o'clock Saturday morning. Just to be on the safe side, they made sure that no one they knew was onboard before greeting each other. When he complained about how ridiculous he felt, she asked him where his sense of adventure was, giving him a teasing look over the rims of her sunglasses. So he showed her where it was, kissing her right in front of a dozen strangers as the train rolled on toward the city.

They had no agenda other than to enjoy the day, and they held hands as they walked down the street, looking in shop windows and pointing out interesting things to each other. They browsed through the music store, where he bought her one of his favorite albums, and through the book store, where she insisted on getting him a copy of a novel that she'd loved.

After a leisurely lunch, they bought ice cream bars and strolled through the park while they ate them, making up funny stories about the people who passed by, especially the anxious and confused tourists, who all seemed to be in such a hurry to see everything. One family stopped them so the father could politely, if brokenly, ask if they would take a picture for them. This, of course, gave her an idea as she whipped her own camera out of her bag and repeated his request with her most charming smile. They took their caps and glasses off long enough for the man to help them memorialize their lovely afternoon on film.

There were so many activities to choose from, from the zoo to the shrines to the museums, but they all seemed rather unimportant next to the fact that they simply wanted to spend time together. They found a comfortable spot near the pond and watched young couples attempt to maneuver rowboats across the water, sometimes with amusingly disastrous results. That was all it took for them to change their minds about doing the same. It was more fun to watch, anyway.

They spent their last couple of hours wandering through the art museum, deciding which paintings they would want to buy and which ones should be destroyed forever. They listened in on part of a tour and learned about an artist they'd never heard of, who was now one of their favorites simply based on his eccentric lifestyle. They went into the gift shop and bought colorful postcards featuring the images of their favorite works, which they figured was as close as they'd ever get to owning the priceless masterpieces.

Before heading back to the train station, they sought out a private corner where they could say good night to each other, just in case there were people around when they got back home. He gently tugged her sunglasses off so he could look into her eyes, and so she pulled his off, too. They embraced for several long minutes, drawing out this last bit of time together.

It was early enough in the evening that the train car on the return trip was nearly empty, and their hands were linked as they silently stood by the windows, watching the city fade into the distance. They let go and moved apart as the train pulled into the station, and they exited the car and went their separate ways without another word.

But even as he turned around to watch her go, he didn't yet realize that he was indeed in the process of doing something really stupid.

-----

Thanks, as always, for reading, and for sticking with me through these tricky middle chapters.