L-chan's notes: Again, I'm sorry for the way the last chapter ended. Thanks for coming back!

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1.

Shadows

Chapter 15—Past, Present, and Future

"Aren't you going to invite me in?"

Touya wondered how long he'd just been stupidly staring at Yukito, and he gave himself a mental shake as he moved aside. "Sorry. Come in." I think.

"Thanks."

While Yukito was strangely overly preoccupied with untying his shoes, Touya reflexively put a hand on his chest. His heart hadn't started beating faster, like it might have a couple of years ago. Instead, he wondered if it was beating at all. It felt as if it had fallen into the bottomless pit in his soul, that empty space at the core of his being where his magic sense used to reside. The figurative flesh of that old wound was torn open again, and it ached like a trick knee that acted up when it was going to rain.

Funny. He hadn't felt that hole for weeks.

Yukito, seemingly oblivious to Touya's ruminations, finally left his shoes in the entry and stepped into the living room. "Nice place."

"It's home," Touya replied with a shrug as he forced himself to ignore the familiar, dull ache. He honestly couldn't think of anything else to say. Well, there's always, "What the hell are you doing here?" but that would probably be a bit rude. He shoved his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his heels, marking time as Yukito took a deliberate look around. "It's been a while." Then he wincingly rolled his eyes at the inanity of this statement. This conversation is already on life-support. What's next, "So, how are you?"

"Since Christmas, I think," Yukito replied. He stood in the middle of the room uncomfortably. He looked incredibly out of place there, and whether it was because they were both feeling awkward, or whether it was because there was no place for him in Touya's life anymore, Touya couldn't say for certain.

And apparently Touya couldn't come up with anything else to say, either. Yukito sighed and reached up to push back his glasses, an old nervous habit he hadn't been able to shake, even though he'd given up wearing the unnecessary lenses over a year ago. As there was nothing there, he absently scratched his nose instead. "So, how are you?"

Touya almost laughed at that. They always had been able to read each other. Well, once. Not anymore. Not for a long time. "Good. I'm good." He was slowly coming out of his state of shock. It wasn't like they never saw each other. It was just that they never intentionally sought each other out. Why is he here? "How are you?" he added instead after another span of silence.

"Good. Great," Yukito amended with forced enthusiasm.

"That's good." Touya had had more substantial conversations with the owner of the convenience store down the street. "I'm sorry... would you like some tea or something?" he asked with detached politeness.

"Thanks." Yukito smiled in relief. He relaxed visibly then, as if he'd been expecting Touya to throw him out on sight. "I'm sorry about just dropping by like this. Maybe I should have called first?"

"No, it's okay," Touya said dismissively over his shoulder as he went to the kitchen, gesturing vaguely for Yukito to follow him. "I didn't know you knew where I lived."

"Your father told me."

"Oh." He entertained himself with various implausible but satisfying scenarios for getting back at his father as he filled the tea kettle. He glanced over at Yukito, who was lingering in the kitchen doorway, definitely looking out of place. "Want to sit down?" And when Yukito smiled gratefully and pulled out one of the kitchen chairs, Touya had to bite his tongue to keep from protesting aloud. Not there. That's Tomoyo's chair.

Oh, God. Tomoyo. He surreptitiously eyed the oven clock. Quarter to six. She could arrive at any time. He could call her, tell her to hold off for a bit, that he had to go out, but she was probably already on her way. Looks like it's option number two. Find out what he wants, and get him out of here.

But he didn't know how to ask, because he wasn't sure he really wanted to know. Another awkward silence settled over the room like a heavy thundercloud, filled with the weight of words that weren't being said. As each second ticked past, the cloud grew thicker with their unspoken thoughts, and soon it would become suffocating.

"So, you've seen 'tou-san recently?" Touya asked as he set the tea on the table. It wasn't the best way to get things started, but he hoped it would serve as an opening.

"We usually have lunch together every couple of weeks," Yukito replied as he poured a cup, then doctoring the tea with milk and sugar. "We meet in the university cafeteria."

I knew that. Fujitaka had mentioned it in passing, but as with all other information regarding Yukito, it was stored in an infrequently visited part of Touya's brain. "Are you still with the English department?" The last he'd heard, Yukito had been working as a professor's research assistant while he finished his studies.

"Yeah. It keeps me busy, but some days, that's a good thing." Yukito gulped the hot tea down quickly and poured another cup. That was something else he did when he was anxious about something. "And I haven't seen you since you started teaching. Your father says that's going well."

"Better than I thought it would, in any case," Touya answered honestly, idly wondering what else his father had said about him. "I've really been enjoying it."

"I always thought that would suit you. Sakura-chan thinks so, too."

"Does she? You wouldn't know it from my end." The conversation was flowing much more easily now, but they still weren't any closer to the reason for Yukito's arrival.

"Well, of course not. Do you really think she'd tell you something like that?" It was a teasing question, almost like the old days.

"No, I guess not. Still, it would be nice to hear." But then, he'd never been one to seek validation from his little sister. It was strange how, now, as he saw her growing up, her opinion had started to matter to him. She was almost an adult, and he knew she was an intelligent young woman. He found himself wanting her to see him differently, too. Not just as her mean old onii-chan, but as a fellow adult whom she respected.

While Touya's mind was wandering, Yukito pushed his teacup away with a pensive sigh, bringing Touya's attention back to the situation at hand. "I suppose you're wondering why I'm here."

"Maybe a little," he replied, one corner of his mouth lifting slightly in a wry smile.

"Yeah." Yukito again started to reach for his nonexistent glasses, and when he caught himself, he shoved his hand through his short silver hair instead. "We've come to an important decision, and even though Sakura-chan offered to tell you, we thought we should tell you directly, considering everything you did for us." He'd slipped into the pluralistic way of speaking that represented Yue's participation in the matter. "After discussing it with her and Kerberos-san, and Eriol-san and Nakuru-san, we've decided...." His words trailed off as he searched for the proper explanation. "We've decided it's time to remove the barrier separating us."

Of all the reasons Yukito might have come to see him, that one hadn't occurred to him. But it made sense. Touya let out the breath he'd been holding and felt the tension in his chest alleviate. "You mean... you're not going to be separate from Yue anymore?"

"I know it seems strange, after all this time," Yukito answered, and as he spoke, a silver shadow passed through his clear hazel eyes. "But we're tired. It's become mentally and physically draining to keep ourselves separate." He shrugged, and his faltering smile showed his weariness. "Besides, we're the same. No matter how much we've fought it in the past, we know that we're more alike than we are different." Now his smile turned warm, and Touya recognized it as the way Yukito used to smile at him, back before everything had changed. "You and Sakura-chan have always said so. We just refused to accept it."

Touya knew how much Yukito had struggled with accepting his fate, even when he'd pretended that he had. "If that's what you want, then I'm happy for you," he said quietly. "You deserve to be happy." He meant both of them, and he could tell that Yukito understood.

"Yeah, I guess so." Then Yukito laughed, again just like he used to. It was hard to believe that these last vestiges of his individuality would soon be gone. "But Yue insists that I complete my coursework first, with no help from him. That's the whole point, and it's only fair, he says."

Touya nodded. That sounded like Yue. "So, when...?"

"Sakura-chan says the best time to perform the spell will be the first full moon after the winter solstice. Right at Christmas. Seems fitting, doesn't it? My seventh birthday." Though all public records showed that Yukito Tsukishiro would be twenty-three, he chose to count his age from the date of his awakening, of his first individual memory. After all, that was how long he'd truly been alive.

"Wow," Touya said in a hushed tone. It was really going to happen. It was like finding out someone was going to die. And it was horribly morbid to think of it that way, because Yukito wouldn't die, but become who he always should have been. He'd be completely self-actualized. Fulfilled. "Then, this might be the last time I see you as... you."

Now Yukito looked uncomfortable again, lowering his eyes as he poured yet another cup of tea and stirred milk and sugar into the brown liquid. "That's the other thing I wanted to talk to you about. I was wondering—"

His words were interrupted by the buzzing of the doorbell. Touya swore under his breath, which made Yukito's expression brighten, but only because he didn't know Touya's true reason for being agitated.

When Touya opened the door, Tomoyo greeted him with a loving smile. "I know I'm a little late," she apologized sweetly, "but that's because I stopped to get some of those cookies you like." She held up a pink-and-white striped bakery sack, but he just stood there staring at it. She lowered her arm again when it was clear he wasn't going to take the bag from her.

After stepping out of her low-heeled pumps, Tomoyo lifted her face in expectation of a welcoming kiss, but he didn't move. His expression was conflicted, and she studied it carefully before asking, "What's wrong?"

Touya slowly shook his head. "I knew I should have called you," he muttered.

She was about to reply when, out of the corner of her eye, she noticed a figure appear in the kitchen doorway. She immediately recognized the young man standing there. "Yukito-san!" she exclaimed in surprise. It wasn't an appropriate response, but it was understandable.

"Tomoyo-chan?" he answered, sounding more confused than surprised. He recovered quickly enough to remember his manners. "How are you?"

"Fine, thank you," she answered politely, darting her violet eyes at Touya for an explanation. But he didn't seem to have one for her. She gave him the benefit of the doubt and assumed that he couldn't say anything without giving away the fact that they were involved. Then I guess I need a reason for being here, don't I? It needed to be believable, and, more importantly, it needed to be close to the truth. "Touya-sensei has been teaching me to play the piano, so I'm here for my lesson," she said, the words tumbling out in a rush.

Touya still didn't provide any information in return. Not even a quickly formed lie to reassure her that the scene she'd intruded upon was completely innocent. And that certainly made things appear suspicious. She'd always trusted him, but now she felt doubt begin whispering in the back of her mind. She again held up the bakery bag and practically shoved it at Touya's chest, forcing him to take it from her. "Don't mind me," she said, the tremble in her voice belying her cheerful demeanor. "I can start practicing on my own." She waved as nonchalantly as possible as she excused herself from the room, leaving the two men to stare after her in befuddled silence.

Tomoyo hoped she wouldn't stumble in her effort to appear casual and unconcerned, but when she made it to the bedroom, she collapsed onto the piano bench and held her head in her hands. Her heart felt seized in a grip of panic, and each breath she drew was shaky and shallow. What is going on?

But she didn't want to think about it. She didn't want to know why the man she loved was secretly meeting the one he used to love. Or what they were talking about. Or what it meant. No, she wasn't going to think about any of it. Instead, she placed her hands over the piano's keys and began slowly playing the warm-up scales, deliberately holding each note to drown out the thoughts she wasn't thinking.

The faint sounds of the piano drifted into the living room, where Touya and Yukito were still standing with their feet seemingly rooted to the floor. "Wow," Yukito said, letting out a low whistle of appreciation. "She's grown up, hasn't she? And prettier than ever."

Touya directed a heated glare at the back of Yukito's head, but it diminished to a disinterested look by the time Yukito turned around. It was an innocent comment, and nothing to get into a fit of protective jealousy over. "I guess." He opened the bakery sack and pulled out a bite-sized chocolate cookie. "Want one?" he offered, even though Tomoyo had bought them just for him. He popped the cookie in his mouth and chewed it with exaggerated care.

"No, thanks. I should probably get going, except...." Yukito shifted uncomfortably, and it looked like he was debating something with himself, which, he probably was. Then he stood up straight as if gathering his resolve. "Would you like to have dinner sometime?"

Touya's brown eyes blinked three times in rapid succession.

"It would give us a chance to talk, and catch up," Yukito continued. "Because, before long, well..." he gestured at himself, "...I'll be a little different. And I want to talk to you while I'm still me. This me."

"Oh," Touya answered. He knew there more to it than that, but the significance dangled just beyond his reach.

"I need to know if... if there's any way... that you and I...."

Now Touya understood, and the meaning hit him as hard as if an anvil had dropped from the sky. "Oh," he said again, a little too loudly. "Oh, well, actually, I'm... seeing someone." For the truth, it sure sounded unconvincing to his own ears. He tried not to look toward the bedroom and give away their secret. Too many people knew already.

"If you don't want to go, just say so. It's okay," Yukito replied quickly, but with an edge to his voice that made him sound hurt and skeptical, as if he suspected Touya was lying. Another mist of silver passed through his hazel eyes, but this time it stayed longer before dissipating.

"No, really, I'm—"

"Because, well, when Sakura-chan told me you weren't seeing anyone, I just thought—"

Touya groaned and shoved a hand through his dark hair. "Oh, God. I don't tell my little sister about my love life, Yuki." He didn't mean for that to sound harsh, but he was afraid it came out that way. "But, no, there's no way that you and I...." He let his words trail off just as Yukito's had, leaving the unspoken as it belonged. "I'm sorry." The words encompassed an enormity of meaning, from a simple apology for his earlier tone, to the deeper regret for the way that things had ended up between them.

"Yeah," Yukito replied with a sad little smile. "Me, too."

It really had been too long since they'd talked. And suddenly time was running out. There were things to be cleared up. Things that needed to be resolved. Or would it be better to leave those things in the past?

Touya had never thought it possible to be friends with someone he'd once loved. Experience had proven that out. But maybe part of it was his instinct for self-preservation kicking in. A way of compartmentalizing the pain, putting it in a box where he wouldn't have to deal with it. And when he closed himself off from those feelings, he denied himself the opportunity to keep people in his life. People he still cared about. It had happened once. He didn't want that to happen again.

"Maybe we could get together and talk sometime. Over coffee or something. If you want."

"I'd like that," Yukito answered quietly, walking toward the door. "Sakura-chan has my number, so...." With his hand on the doorknob, he turned to face Touya once more. "You're really seeing someone?" Touya nodded, and Yukito sighed melodramatically before donning a wistful half-smile. "Good."

And with that, he was gone.

Touya stood there, looking at the door, thinking about everything they'd been through together. He couldn't go back to the past. He couldn't change anything. But even if he had the chance, he knew he wouldn't go back and change things. Everything that had happened had brought him here. And this is where I'm supposed to be.

The sounds of the piano interrupted his reverie, and he noticed that Tomoyo had moved on from the practice scales to a simple melody. He felt himself smiling as he walked back to the bedroom to see her.

Tomoyo heard Touya enter, but she didn't turn around, focusing instead on the sheet music in front of her. She didn't speak or acknowledge his presence in any way, except for a slight stiffening of her shoulders and the distracted clunking of a wrong note. She resumed playing as if the mistake was an intentional artistic decision.

"Well, that was interesting," Touya said, coming up behind her.

"Yes, I imagine it was," she said formally as the melody continued. She desperately wanted to ask what had happened. She wanted to know what they had talked about, but... was it any of her business? It is if it concerns me.

"Oh, you have no idea," he answered as he sat down on the bench beside her. She slid over to make room for him and resumed the song without meeting his eyes. He noticed her concerted effort not to touch him in any way, but he didn't force the issue. If something was wrong, he'd wait for her to confide in him. He found her place in the music and began following the melody with her, two octaves higher. When they reached the end of the phrase, he lifted his hands again. He looked at her, but she kept her distance, physically and emotionally. "He asked me out."

Tomoyo's fingers froze. "Oh?" she asked shakily. It had been just as bad as she'd imagined. She made her fingers keep moving. "That's nice. Are you going?" She hit another wrong note, and the more she tried to concentrate on the correct chords, the more mistakes she made.

"What? Of course not." Well, not in a date sense.

"I think you should. It's okay," she said. She'd been thinking about it in spite of her best efforts not to. She knew that Yukito had a history with Touya that she couldn't begin to compete with. They were bonded by magic. At least, that had been her interpretation of things, based on what Touya had told her and what she remembered from those days. Maybe they were always meant to get back together, and she was just a stop along their path.

"What do you mean, it's okay?" he asked. He probably should have started this conversation at the beginning, with Yukito's more important news, before bringing that up. But it had been at the forefront of his mind, and, besides, it had just been so absurd that he thought for sure she'd see it that way, too.

"I know how much you care about him, so it makes sense that you'd want to see him again."

Maybe it did, but that wasn't why he was considering it. "Tomoyo—"

"I just want you to be happy," she said as tears began to blur her vision. Her fingers kept clumsily pressing the keys, but the notes were all wrong now, and the melody had disintegrated into an uneven mess. But she had to keep going.

"Tomoyo." Touya stopped her hands, and she bowed her head, shaking it furiously. "Look at me."

This was it. This was where he was going to tell her that it was all over. She looked up at him, and her violet eyes glistened. "Do you still love him?" she asked, her voice breaking. Tears clung stubbornly to her long eyelashes, and she closed her eyes, trying futilely to blink them away.

"No," he answered sharply. He grasped her hands firmly. "How can you ask me that? I told you that I love you. I guess I don't know what that means to you, but it means a hell of a lot to me."

She met his brown eyes again, and she saw the truth of his words there. And she saw that he was hurt that she'd doubted his feelings for her. "It means everything," she whispered, choking back a sob. She felt the tears begin sliding down her cheeks, and she reached up to wipe them away. "I'm sorry. I love you so much, and I was afraid you were going to tell me that you didn't... that you wanted to..."

She was trembling, and he realized now what she'd been going through. "Oh, God," he said, wrapping his arms around her. "You've been torturing yourself, haven't you? You came over and found me with Yuki, and I didn't tell you why. So you've been sitting in here all by yourself, imagining the worst." He held her close and pressed his lips to her temple. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart," he murmured. "I should have said something. I didn't know he was coming over, and I know how it must have looked, but it was all perfectly innocent, and—"

"I know. I believe you," Tomoyo said softly, leaning against him. "It's okay." She brushed her face against his shoulder, drying her tears with his shirt. "And I'm sorry for crying. I never used to cry so much. Must be my teenage hormones, you know." She gave a self-conscious hiccup of a giggle, trying to bring some levity back.

Touya didn't say anything, and instead just held her, reassuring her with gentle caresses that she was the only one he wanted. He was always amazed by how good it felt to hold her. Well, maybe it was a little uncomfortable, sitting in a twisted position on the hard piano bench, but that didn't matter. He wasn't going to let her go for anything.

She let herself be comforted, even though her fears had been unfounded. His hands were slowly sliding up and down her back, and she could feel their warmth through the fabric of her summer dress. I can't believe I let myself get so carried away. I know he loves me. Her uneasiness faded away, and she wound her arms around him to return the embrace.

His hands sifted restlessly through the silken mass of her hair. She always left it down when she came over, knowing he liked it best that way. She was always thinking of him, doing things for him, making him feel loved. It had been a long time since someone so selfless had cared about him like that. With a heavy sigh, he realized he needed to tell her the rest of the story. "I probably will see him, though," he confessed quietly. "Just to talk. I think... we're going to try to be friends again."

"That's good," Tomoyo replied sincerely. "You need a best friend."

Touya shook his head and held her away from him so he could look into her eyes. "You're my best friend," he corrected her. "I need you."

Before she could respond, he kissed her. He could taste the salty remains of her tears on her lips, and he vowed never to make her cry again. She meant too much to him, and he hated that she'd been so upset. He moved his lips over her cheek, tenderly lapping up the damp trail that still stained her porcelain skin. She made a faint murmur of pleasure from his sweet attention, and the sound vibrated in his soul, stirring something deep within him. When his mouth found hers again, it wasn't just about consoling her anymore. He was baring his need, holding nothing back.

She felt a wave of heat unfurl, washing over her from the top of her head to the tips of her toes as his kiss became more passionate, and she eagerly sunk into the delicious headiness of it. When she opened her mouth wider, his tongue swept inside with aggressive, possessive strokes. Her heart was beating in double-time, and when she placed a hand against his chest, she could feel his doing the same. Her other hand laid against his cheek, feeling the flexing of his muscles as his mouth slanted back and forth over hers, and she found herself kissing him back with a skill and ardor that probably should have shocked her.

It did shock him, making every one of his excited nerves tingle and sending a pounding rush of blood to parts best not thought about. With great difficulty, he remembered himself and reluctantly dragged his lips away from hers. Disappointment was evident in her shining eyes, but she smiled sweetly at him before nestling into his embrace once again. He closed his eyes and let out another long sigh, feeling an odd and conflicting combination of contentment and frustration. Of calm and... terror.

Relationships always brought out the best and worst in him. There were those times when he was strong and supportive, and those times when he was lost and insecure. And in the past, it had seemed to him that the balance of give and take was off, with him giving more than he received. Not that it bothered him, because for him, love was about giving all he could to the people he cared about. Now, for the first time, he felt that things were equal.

But that might not be enough. Seeing Yukito had just brought all those old fears out again. Twice before in his life he'd fallen for someone, and he'd been devastated when it ended. Both times it was out of the blue, catching him completely unprepared and shattering his illusions of peace and perfection. He'd sworn he wouldn't go through that again. By the ripe old age of twenty-three, he'd almost given up on love. Now that he had it, he needed a guarantee against any future pain. If they could stay in this place, in this moment....

But love was a risk, not a guarantee. The only guarantee was that the inevitable would come to pass.

Touya drew a shuddering breath as he buried his face against her shoulder, feeling the soft tendrils of her lavender hair gently caressing him. "I love you, Tomoyo. I love you so damn much." He held her tightly and let himself be surrounded by the delicate scent of her lilac perfume. "Don't ever leave me," he whispered hoarsely.

Tomoyo reached up to comb her fingers through his thick brown hair. She wished she knew what he was thinking, but she wouldn't press. What he needed was her love, and that was what she would give him, for as long as he wanted it. "I won't," she promised.

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Well, I don't know about this one. Maybe you'll tell me what you thought. Thanks again to everyone for reading.