L-chan's notes: Wow, twenty chapters so far. How did that happen? Thanks to all of you for reading this far, and for reviewing, too.
Disclaimer: See Chapter 1.
Shadows
Chapter 20—Holding Pattern
Touya sat silently through Wednesday's family dinner, pretending to listen to his father, his sister, and her little plush guardian. They were engaged in a carefree conversation, but he couldn't find the enthusiasm to join in.
For four weeks now, his contact with Tomoyo had been limited to third-hour chemistry class and the letters they passed through Sakura. He should have been grateful that he even got that much time with her, but it was starting to wear on him. It just wasn't good enough. From friends to lovers to damn pen pals, he griped silently. What's next, looking at old pictures and trying to recall each other's name?
"But the thing is," Kero was saying insistently, but failing to draw Touya's attention away from the ice cubes melting in his glass of tea, "you have to form a strong group if you're going to get anywhere. It's the only way to make it through some of the levels."
"What levels? There's no end to the game," Fujitaka countered. "All we do is battle the same creatures, collect experience points and magic items, and then do it all again. Where's the point?"
"The point is to keep getting stronger," Kero replied with a blasé wave of his little yellow paw. "To get a reputation for being so advanced. Other players will be in awe of you."
"But why be so advanced if there's no way to win? It just keeps going on forever. You could play for the rest of your life and never finish," Fujitaka pointed out.
"Then why do you play?"
"Because I'm addicted," Fujitaka revealed sheepishly, and Kero flashed a triumphant grin.
"So, I guess we're playing later?"
"Of course."
Sakura yawned with an exaggerated stretch and dropped her napkin on the table. "How can you two talk for hours about a video game? I can't think of anything more boring."
"Oh, should we be like you and talk about boys and clothes?" Kero asked. "Like I don't hear enough of that when you're on the phone with Tomoyo or Meiling. And don't get me started on that gaki."
The mention of Tomoyo brought Touya back to the present. He looked at his sister to find out what he'd missed, and if they'd been talking to or about him, but she was clearly preoccupied with her annoyance at Kero, who was now making juvenile kissing noises in his wildly inaccurate reenactment of her phone calls with Syaoran.
Sakura stuffed her napkin in the guardian's mouth to shut him up. "Why is everyone so mean to me?" she asked no one in particular. Fujitaka covered his laughter with a sip of iced tea, but Touya's brooding expression remained the same.
"And how are things with you?" his father asked him now. "You've been awfully quiet tonight."
Touya shrugged.
"Very succinct. Would you care to elaborate?"
"There's nothing to elaborate on. Nothing's changed."
Sakura and Kero stopped scowling at each other as the conversation took an interesting turn. They exchanged curious glances before shifting their eyes to Touya. Normally, he would have told them to mind their own business, but apparently, his business had become everyone's business. Is there anyone who doesn't know what's going on?
Even though he'd said there was nothing else, his father was patiently waiting for him to continue. Touya frowned, knowing his options were to either remain silent or reveal more of his personal feelings for everyone's entertainment. Doesn't look like anyone is going anywhere. He sighed and pushed his barely-touched dinner plate away. "I feel like we're in a holding pattern. We can't seem to move forward." He didn't need to be more specific.
Fujitaka nodded in understanding. "So, what are you going to do about it?"
What an infuriating question. "What can I do?" Touya retorted sulkily. "I'm waiting."
"For what? For Sonomi-san to magically change her mind?" Fujitaka asked. "Believe me, it doesn't work that way."
"I know that." Of course, I know that. Touya ran a hand through his dark hair in a gesture of frustration. "I should have just married her when I had the chance," he muttered.
"I think you know that wouldn't have made things easier," Fujitaka replied gently. Sakura and Kero still watched in rapt silence. Their presence was hardly noticed.
"Then, what?" He looked at his father, as near to hopeless as he'd felt since he'd first realized his attraction to Tomoyo, but the older man didn't have an answer for him. "I don't know what else to do, all right? God, for once in my life, can't someone just tell me what to do?"
"Son...."
"No, listen. I've thought about this. Nothing I've come up with is good enough. I refuse to make things worse for Tomoyo. I have to do what's best for her, no matter how hard it is for me, and no matter how much I want to see her."
"Is this really what's best? Doing nothing?" There was no accusation in his father's tone. Just concern. Which actually bothered Touya more.
"For now."
"And how does Tomoyo-san feel about that?" Fujitaka still spoke with the same quiet tone, like a therapist skillfully drawing out information, one reluctant revelation at a time.
"She's fine. She understands." Except... except for the letter she'd written him last week. The one where she'd let out all of her anger—at him, at her mother, at herself. The one where she'd expressed her doubt and impatience. The one she tried to take back the very next day, and even though he'd thrown it away like she asked and told her it was forgotten, he remembered every word of it. It had wrenched him with guilt, knowing that she was hurting, and that it was his fault that things had come to this. He had no right to make all of the decisions in their relationship and ask her to go along. Neither of them was happy like this.
"She does." His father didn't sound convinced. And he shouldn't, because I don't believe it either. "Well, that's the most important thing."
"What does that mean?" Touya shook his head and stood up from the table. "Never mind. Just... I don't know. I'm sorry. I'm not really in the mood for this tonight." Talking about it wasn't doing anything but making him feel worse, and he didn't need any help in that department.
"Onii-chan...." Sakura spoke up. He'd almost forgotten she was there, listening to every word.
"Don't forget to do your homework, kaijuu," he said before she could continue. His pathetic attempt at levity was only met with more concerned frowns. "I'll see you guys later."
A heavy silence hung in the air for several minutes after Touya left.
Sakura was lost in thought as she helped her father clear away the dishes. Once she'd found out about the relationship between her brother and her best friend, she'd been able to see the strong connection they had, and looking back, she wondered why she didn't see it sooner. She could remember now how much happier her brother had been, even if she didn't recognize it, or the reason for it, at the time. And it had been the same way with Tomoyo. But the peaceful, contented aura that had surrounded her friend lessened a little more with each passing week.
If these two people who meant so much to her could make each other happy, then Sakura wanted to help them in any way she could. "There has to be something we can do."
"I've thought about that, too," Fujitaka answered. "But I think it's best that we stay out of it. This is between your brother and Tomoyo-san. They'll have to get through it together."
"But they can't even talk to each other," Sakura replied. "How are they supposed to...?" Her words trailed off as she looked at her sun guardian. Kero blinked back at her but didn't say anything. The creature who usually had an opinion on everything had nothing to offer but his mediocre dishwashing skills.
Even so, he'd given her an idea. And until she worked it out, she was going to keep it to herself. Besides, her father might not approve.
-----
Tomoyo pretended to listen to Meiling's bubbly conversation as they left the music room after Thursday's choir rehearsal, but her thoughts were elsewhere. Specifically, they were on the second floor at the other end of the building, and had been for most of the day.
She'd noticed a difference in Touya's behavior during class that morning. It was something subtle, something that only someone close to him would detect. He was tired. Not physically, but emotionally. And seeing him like that made her realize that she was tired, too.
There was a strain on their relationship now. They couldn't be as open with each other as they had been in the past. They could share their thoughts and feelings through letters, but it wasn't good enough. Being together was what kept them balanced, and that had been taken away.
Tomoyo had tried to explain it in one of her letters, but it came out all wrong. It had sounded hurt and angry, and that wasn't what she'd meant. It wasn't right for her to put all of that on him, and she didn't know what she'd expected him to do about it. If she was impatient, it was only because she felt like a vital part of her was missing. And she knew that he had to be feeling the same way.
She couldn't dwell on that. She had to be strong. Whenever she saw him, she gave him a carefree smile, letting him know that she was all right. Each day, it got a little harder, but she had to act like everything was normal. That nothing was wrong. No matter how much she was hurting inside, she couldn't let him see it.
She wanted to talk to him, but more than that, she needed to drink in the comfort that his presence brought. All I want is to be with him. If only for a few minutes.
"And you should have seen the look on Hiro-kun's face," Meiling said, laughing at her own story. "He'll wear a gas mask next time!"
Tomoyo's attention was snapped back to her friend, and she giggled weakly at the joke, even though she had no idea what had happened. Something in her expression clearly showed her distraction, because Meiling gave her a peculiar look.
"What did I just say?" the raven-haired girl asked, her voice laced with suspicion.
"Gas... mask?" Tomoyo answered tentatively, but that didn't make any sense. Why would Meiling be talking about gas masks?
Meiling sighed and shook her head. "One of my best stories, and you didn't even listen."
"I'm sorry."
Her friend's ruby eyes rolled with good-humored exasperation before focusing on someone coming toward them. "Well, no matter now. Looks like my work here is done."
Tomoyo followed Meiling's gaze and saw Sakura rushing toward them. "I got here as soon as I could," Sakura said, panting slightly. "Thanks, Meiling-chan."
"No problem. See you guys tomorrow." With a knowing wink and a casual wave, Meiling headed for her locker.
Sakura linked her arm through Tomoyo's and began leading her down the hall. "What's going on?" Tomoyo asked. She gave the other girl a confused look, but Sakura just kept walking, practically dragging Tomoyo along with her. "My ride should be here any second. I have to go."
"I'll just tell them we were in the bathroom," Sakura reassured her as they reached the girls' lavatory. "Besides, it's true." She peeked inside and let out a relieved breath. "Good, it's just us. Come on."
"What are you—?" Tomoyo started to ask, but Sakura put a finger to her lips and gestured for her to follow her inside. They stopped near the sinks, and Tomoyo watched with confusion and curiosity plain on her face as Sakura searched through her bag. "Are you going to give me a clue?"
Her green-eyed friend made a triumphant noise and pulled a pink card from her backpack. "Know what this is?" she asked, holding the card up for Tomoyo to examine.
"One of your Sakura Cards." The point of all this eluded her.
"No. Well, yes, but it's more than that." She turned the card around so Tomoyo could see the design on the front. "This is a way for you to see my brother."
Tomoyo recognized the graphic on the card, but it wasn't until she read the name that the significance dawned on her. "Illusion?"
"That's right. I don't know why I didn't think of this before."
"What? How—?"
"What time does your mother get home?"
"Around seven, in time for dinner."
"Okay. And it's just after four now, so—"
Tomoyo held up a hand to stop her friend's enthusiastic chatter. "I don't get it."
Sakura looked a little sheepish, and she gave the other girl a lopsided grin. "Sorry." She flashed Illusion again as she pointed to Tomoyo. "It's quite simple, actually. I'll pretend to be you and go to your house. I'll hang out in your room and do homework or something. Meanwhile, you can go see my brother. I checked with the faculty office, and he's already gone home. Then later, say around six-thirty, I'll fly over and pick you up. I can get you back in your room before your mother gets home."
Tomoyo tried to take all of this in. "You're going to pretend to be me?"
"Right. Watch, I practiced this last night." Sakura took the pendant from around her neck, and it changed into her star-tipped staff. When she called on the power of the Illusion Card, a swirl of light surrounded her, leaving Tomoyo to blink in astonishment.
Standing in front of her was a girl who could be her twin. Sakura now had long lavender hair, twisted in a loose braid, just as the real Tomoyo's hair was. Her green eyes were now violet, and her skin was slightly paler than before. She even looked two inches shorter.
"What do you think?" Sakura asked cheerily. Her voice was softer and higher-pitched than usual. She didn't sound exactly like Tomoyo, but it was a pretty good imitation.
"Amazing," Tomoyo breathed.
"So, it's settled." She pushed Tomoyo into a stall and pulled the door closed, just in case someone came in and saw the two identical girls. "Give me about five minutes to get out of here. I'll pick you up at six-thirty, okay?"
"Wait, Sakura-chan," Tomoyo said, laying her hand against the door. She heard her friend pause on the other side. "Why are you doing this?"
"Because I love you guys," Sakura answered, a tremor of emotion in her voice. "You need to see each other. And this is the only way I could think of to help." She cleared her throat before speaking again. "Everything will be all right. I know it."
Tomoyo bowed her head and closed her eyes, feeling her heartbeat speed up with nervousness and hope. "Thank you."
"Remember to wait five minutes," Sakura repeated, sounding more like her normal, cheerful self. She lightly tapped the stall door to say good-bye. "Have fun," she giggled.
Less than twenty minutes later, Tomoyo was standing in front of Touya's apartment door. The short walk from school to the apartment building had been uneventful, and no one had noticed or questioned her presence. She looked at the keyring in her hand, then glanced at the doorbell, and then back at the key. Should I go on in like I live here? she wondered. It might be presumptuous, but she shrugged to herself and inserted the key into the lock. That's why he gave it to me.
The living room was empty, but she saw his school books on his desk. Everything looked the same as it did the last time she'd been here. It was weeks ago, but now it seemed like no time had passed at all. Standing here was like being back where she belonged. All of the loneliness she'd been suffering suddenly fell away and was replaced with a sense of peace.
As she left her shoes and schoolbag by the door, she heard the sounds of the piano coming from Touya's bedroom. After draping her uniform's blazer and tie over the sofa arm, she walked down the hall and stood inside the open bedroom doorway, watching him as he played. His complete concentration was focused on the music in front of him, and as the crescendos rose and fell, it was clear that he was letting his emotions dictate how the piece should sound. It was a beautiful, melancholy song, and hearing how he was feeling made her glad she came. Sakura was right—they both needed this.
As much as Tomoyo hated to disturb him, she wouldn't let this time to go to waste. She knocked softly on the open door, and Touya immediately froze before turning around. He was obviously surprised, but he didn't look upset. "Hi," she said casually, raising her hand in a cute little wave.
Touya didn't move from his spot on the piano bench. "Hi." He sounded confused.
"I let myself in. I hope that's okay."
"Yeah, of course," he answered automatically. Now he stood up and crossed the room to her. She did the same, meeting him in the middle. "But, Tomoyo, what—?"
She put her fingers to his lips, gently silencing his words. "We can talk in a minute," she whispered, and she rose up on her toes to press her lips to his.
It was a sweet kiss, and one that made their memories pale in comparison to the reality. They eagerly sank into it, appeasing their longing with each lingering caress. She wrapped her arms around his neck as his went around her waist. She felt his hands squeeze her, like he was convincing himself that she wasn't a vision that would disappear as soon as he stopped believing in it. For the moment, their impossible situation was forgotten.
She hugged him tightly and smiled, nestling closer to him. Everything seemed perfect again. "I've missed you," she said.
"Me, too." His hands were still squeezing her, and his cheek rubbed against her hair as he let out a long, deep sigh. "God, Tomoyo."
He didn't sound happy to see her. "What?"
His arms had her in an almost suffocating grasp now. "What are you doing here?" he asked. The possessive way he was holding her conflicted with his unemotional tone. When she tried to pull away to look at him, he wouldn't let her. "I can't believe your mother gave you permission."
"No," she answered guiltily. She hadn't even broached the subject with her mother since the night she ran away. She'd been trying to keep everything as normal as possible, which seemed to be the way to go, as her mother preferred to act as if nothing had happened. "This was Sakura-chan's idea. She—"
"Did she tell you what I said?"
"No," she said again. "Why? What did you say?"
Touya's arms finally loosened, and Tomoyo was able to step back and meet his eyes. He didn't answer her, instead shaking his head.
Nothing ever went the way she thought it would. As she'd walked here from school, she'd hoped that things would be like before. When she'd walked into the apartment, she'd still had the feeling that they would be able to talk and tease and flirt and kiss like they always did when they were together. It never occurred to her that he wouldn't want her here. "Do you... want me to go?" she asked hesitantly.
"No." He sat on the edge of his bed and let out another sigh. "This isn't working, is it?"
She sat down next to him but didn't say anything.
"I mean," Touya continued, "I thought I was doing the right thing. Now I don't even know what the right thing is anymore." He took both of her hands in his, but he wouldn't look at her yet. "Is this what you want? Are you happy?"
"I just want you to be happy," Tomoyo answered quietly.
He made a sound that could have been a laugh if it weren't so forced. "Yeah. Now that we've gotten the selfless bullshit out of the way, tell me the truth. What do you want?" His brown eyes bored into hers so intently that she could feel it, like they could reach a place inside her that no one else could see. "Because I want you. And I'm finding it very hard to care about anything else. Maybe it hasn't been very long, but it's been long enough. I'm tired of this."
She didn't know how to respond to that. She didn't know what he meant, or what he expected from her. "I'm sorry," she whispered.
Now he did laugh, but still with that sardonic edge to it. "You're sorry? What are you sorry about? I'm the one who messed this up. I'm the one who didn't trust you." His grip on her hands tightened, and she tried not to flinch at the brief flash of pain. "You said it yourself."
"When?"
"The letter you wrote. You said I never gave you enough credit, and who the hell did I think I was to proclaim what was best without considering—"
"I told you to throw that away."
"I did. Did you mean it?"
"Yes, I wanted you to throw it away."
"Tomoyo," he warned.
"Fine, I meant it," she admitted. He raised a dark eyebrow pointedly, like he'd won some sort of battle. He really was in an odd mood today. "I know about Mizuki-sensei, remember? I know that she decided to leave without bothering to discuss it with you first, and that you felt she was being patronizing by acting like she was doing you a favor. Well, how do you think it makes me feel when you do the same thing?"
"Like a child," he answered. His voice was softer now, and his large hands had started rubbing hers gently, infusing them with warmth.
"Exactly." She couldn't find it in her to be angry about it, but that may have been because the bones in her hands were practically melting. "I understand why, I really do, but it still makes me feel like you don't respect me. Like you don't trust me."
"I know. I've always had a problem with that. Trusting," he clarified. "But I do trust you."
"Then you should be able to talk to me about anything."
"I know," Touya said again. He closed his eyes briefly and let go of her hands. "I don't want you to end up like my mother."
"Your mother," Tomoyo repeated, confused.
"My mother was your age when I was born," he said. "She was seventeen years old, with a husband and a child, working and trying to finish school and—"
"But she was happy," Tomoyo interrupted.
"She was," he agreed. "It was hard at times, but she was happy. She had the life she always wanted. And her family punished her for it."
"Oh," Tomoyo breathed.
"I know you know this already," Touya continued. "The edited version, anyway. My mother loved her family more than anything. When she was growing up, her grandfather and her cousin were the people closest to her. But when she went against their wishes, they tried to cut her out of their lives. No matter what she did, things were never the same between them."
The pieces were falling into place. "Do you think my mother would do that to me?" she asked quietly.
"I don't know," he answered honestly. "I hope not. I thought... maybe... if I stopped seeing you...." He shrugged and gave her a sheepish look. "I was afraid that if I came between you and your mother, then...." His words trailed off again. It wasn't necessary to explain any further.
Tomoyo understood now. He really had been thinking of her this whole time. It was just like him to do what he thought was right to make the people around him happy, even if he had to suffer silently to keep it that way. That he cared that much for her made her feel so special, and so incredibly lucky to have him. She threw her arms around him, startling him with her impetuous gesture. "I love you, Touya" she whispered.
He returned her embrace with a genuine laugh when she pressed a quick, ticklish kiss to his neck. "I love you, too." It had been too long since either of them had said or heard the words out loud. Seeing them written at the bottom of a letter wasn't quite the same.
"But don't worry about me," she said, leaning back just enough to meet his brown eyes. "I'm a big girl."
"I know."
"I can handle my mother." He cocked a skeptical eyebrow at her. "Okay, so maybe 'handle' is too strong a word."
"You think?"
She gave him a little poke for making fun of her, grinning when he winced. "I have to try talking to her again," she said, serious once more. "We were both too upset to listen to each other last time. I need her to understand that I can't spend the rest of my life trying to please her, or apologizing when I don't live up to her expectations. I have to do what I want, at least some of the time."
Touya nodded, even if he didn't seem completely convinced that it would change anything. Stubbornness was a deeply rooted Amamiya family trait. "Do you want me there with you?"
"That's probably not a good idea," Tomoyo mused, "but thank you." She felt his fingers twine through the end of her loose braid, and the heady sensation of being touched by him again made her insides turn to mush. "You asked what I wanted," she said softly. "I want to be with you. And if that's selfish, then I don't care."
"That's the spirit," he replied. "But, really, Tomoyo, if you want me to talk to her with you—"
She knew he couldn't help wanting to make things right. It was one of the many reasons she loved him. But this was something she needed to do herself. "Let me try first."
"Okay." His fingers were still lazily playing with her hair, and she sighed contentedly as she leaned against him again. "Did you say something about Sakura before?"
Though there were still things they needed to talk about, she was more than willing to let the serious subject drop for now. "She's covering for me," she answered. "She used one of her—"
"Don't tell me the details. Then I can plead ignorance if my father finds out about it," he joked. "How long do we have?"
She glanced over at the clock on the nightstand. "Over an hour, still."
"That should be plenty of time."
A coy smile curved her lips. "For what?" she asked innocently. The month that they'd been apart had seemed longer, but every moment from the last time they'd been alone together was now at the forefront of her mind. If they could put the discussion they'd just had aside for a little while, they could concentrate on more pleasurable things.
Touya pulled away from her and, with a perfectly straight face, asked, "Want to help me grade today's quizzes?"
"Not really," she deadpanned in response, and she began slowly scooting backwards on the bed. "Any other ideas?"
"We could play cards," he suggested, watching with great interest as she made herself comfortable.
"You cheat." Tomoyo languidly stretched her arms above her head and waited for him to join her.
He didn't make her wait long. "Do not," he retorted, leaning over her and smiling into her sparkling violet eyes.
Her breath caught in her throat. This was what she'd wanted. It was a feeling she couldn't adequately put into words, but that didn't matter, because when he kissed her, sweetly at first, and then more passionately, words weren't necessary. Everything she was feeling she expressed with her lips, her hands, and her body. And he answered her the same way. The rest of the world started to fade, getting smaller and smaller, until they were aware of nothing but each other.
"I still don't have any flowers," he murmured apologetically as his hand slid up and down her thigh.
"Send me some," she answered in a breathy whisper, playfully nipping at his lips.
"Or candles."
"Fire hazard." Her sensitive skin flushed even hotter as it came into more direct contact with his, and she gasped. But that didn't stop her from getting in one last teasing remark. "What about the music?"
"That I can do."
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Thanks again for reading, gang.