The Ansatsuken Kid Chapter 12: Pwnzed!, a street fighter fanfic

"What is it, Sentinel?" Rugal let himself out of his office and took Sent along for a stroll in his behemoth-large hallway, ornate with delicate craftsmanship like a clamshell, ordained with priceless works of art including nude Guile statues in various poses (The Thinking Guile, with ass firmly placed on a toilet seat; the Angry Guile, with arms placed firmly on his hips; and the Paratrooper Guile, who seemed to be saluting something in the sky).

"Are you familiar...with the Top Tier?" Both men came to an abrupt stop. The clocks in the hallway sounded like flashes between still reality, with the fighters as tense as they were.

"...who isn't familiar with the Top Tier?" Rugal broke the silence, with an angry shake of his fist. "If I knew who else was on it..."

"In other words, you knew Akuma was a member of Top Tier." Sentinel and Rugal began walking across the hallway again, towards the door which lead to the golf course outside. Rugal sure loved his golf, especially when the holes are marked by nude Street Fighter statues.

"It's a slightly obscure fact that he started Top Tier after Super Turbo was released. He left immediately soon after. I think the chap had a different agenda in those days."

Rugal spotted a set of golf clubs after appearing outside. It was a dark night, and the stars made such a grandiose appearance in the sky that it almost looked as pixely as a Neo Geo sprite. "And whoever doesn't play golf at night is a fucking scrub." He pulled out his nine-iron and set a golf ball on a tee. He sent the bitch flying.

"Oh, and why do you ask?" Rugal addressed Sentinel, who stood like an unresponsive golem.

***

A cabernet and a breadstick special later, and Buletta was drooling on the tablecloth like a Sesame Street-captivated toddler. Akuma was feeling disheartened, that the special event he had assumed would play out tonight wasn't going to happen. In that case, he was just going to improvise something.

"Buletta. Sit the fuck up."

Buletta returned Akuma's demand by raising her head a bit. Both of her eyes looked lazy, facing different directions. She raised her middle finger, shoved it up her mouth, and went back to a drunken reverie.

As master of the Ansatsuken art, I have failed its noble legacy. I had hoped that Hsien-ko would show up, and Baby Bonnie would challenge her for the right to learn the Instant Hell Raging Murder Demon™ through bloodied combat. I couldn't simply show it to her the same way I showed it to that Chinese ghost; she needed to earn it and realize its true potential.

***

"Why didn't you bring those Lillien Knights of yours? Arr." Ruby Heart and B. Jenet were standing in the middle of a crowded sidewalk, dodging the people pouring out of both the streets and the door in front of them.

"They're busy scouring the city for more easy scams, like street poker and religious tithing. Arr!"

"You say that now, but I would put it on me ship's pride that your crew be doing nothing more than dumping the latest Japanese Game Boy Advance ROMs. Arr..."

"Arr, ye mock me Lillien Knights, contemptuous woman?! What crew have you? Huh? Huh?" B. Jenet stuck her tongue out and pulled on her lower eye-lid. "I'll tell you where they be! Thanos got his Infinity Gauntlet jacked by Tron Bonne, Jill Valentine went on to the beginning of a lucrative movie career, Spider-Man has gone back to his wrench, Sakura went back to being a no-good stalker, and CapCom backed that shit up too good when he reversed your ship into an iceburg! Now tell me, Captain Ruby Heart, what crew have ye?!"

"...such scathing words ye say." Ruby Heart took off her hat to scratch her head, and lifted her eyes towards the sign overlooking them. "Do you think they're taunting us?"

"'Chinese Ghosts?' An easy hint, it be. A possible trap?"

"Perhaps their freedom has nurtured their egos, and demand to be challenged!"

"Shall we take our revenge out on her now? No one leaves the industrious employ of B. Jenet!" She haughtily laughed, placing her hands on her waist.

"Nor do they leave the employ of Rub-"

"Didn't I just get through telling you your crew straight-up bailed on you after MvC2?"

***

"Damn. It went into a pond." Rugal marched on forward, while Sentinel followed him, still silent. Meanwhile, the AI of the towering robot was engaged in a private satellite-feed conversation inside its inner-most chambers.

"So what you're telling me is that he had a hit out on 'Super Turbo' Akuma because he was a founding member of Top Tier?! And he doesn't know who YOU of all people are?!" This was the boisterous yelling of Cable, one of the highest ranking members of Top Tier.

"Obviously, he doesn't play Marvel," responded Sent's AI.

"How do you figure he knows how Akuma got involved with us?! A man like Rugal could easily get at least one or two more names off the hallowed Top Tier roster!"

"Allow me to present an analogy: American citizens know who U.S. President Washington is, but fail to acknowledge the existence of Taft," Sent responded.

"...that might work. But why would he start knocking us out?!"

"I believe that Mr. Rugal wishes to overthrow the Top Tier defense force for the purposes of staging a worldwide coup."

"...just wait there, then. As soon as Storm and I arrive, get ready to stomp his ass. Oh, and Mags won't make it; he got invited to the fuckin' MTV Video Music Awards. I bet you he's halfway done rushing down the Olsen Twins by now."

"Affirmative."

***

A mass exodus of Chinese Ghosts patrons began not soon after B. Jenet and Ruby Heart took the restaurant by surprise, beasting on whatever valuable property they could see in an effort to draw out their former business associates.

"...the hell?" Akuma didn't quite expect this to happen. He raised one of his eyebrows, and then focused his attention on the intoxicated and titular Ansatsuken kid. Baby Bonnie Hood was still out, burping into a cold plate of pasta.

"What the hell's going on?!" Chef Hsien-ko herself shoved the kitchen doors out of her way with great force, quite offended at the chaos caused in her own establishment. "Heart! Jenet!"

"The damned wraiths of lasses have finally made themselves apparent." Ruby Heart quickly thrusted her hand upwards, bringing about a large burst of water from the ground. Hsien-ko covered herself with her arms to protect herself from the powerful jets of water that would spring forth her way, but didn't expect B. Jenet to dash through the downpour undetected and whip out a vagina-exposing roundhouse for the loyal readership of The Ansatsuken Kid, knocking Hsien-ko down.

Akuma's eyes gave off another eyebrow.

"Aye, this capture of the lass was a grave disappointment. We've overestimated her." B. Jenet laughed, jiggling her breasts in a profound, lava-lamp-esque way.

"Mei-Ling! *cough* We need to combine *cough* to form...MAGICAL PRETTY GHOST HSIEN-KO!" Still reeling from the offensive, the little tag Mei-Ling hopped on her sister's head to become the true Hsien-ko; traditional Chinese ghost dress, huge ass sleeves with the claws, with the red/blue palette.

"Whoa..." was all Hsien-ko could muster.

"Arr, what the hell?" Ruby didn't wait to warn her comrade when she summoned her mighty vessel from out of nowhere to crash into the modest restaurant with its cannons a-blazing. Suddenly, another burst of water came and swept B. Jenet away into the streets, while she cursed her partner out with a variety of pirate vernacular.

"This is some repugnant shit," Akuma muttered to himself.

Hsien-ko, the target of the aforementioned cannonballs, blocked them all with the sound vibrations of her mighty gong.

"The terrible noise of the accursed gong! Have at you then, wench!" Ruby dashed through her own jet streams of water wielding an anchor. Ruby slashed Hsien-ko upwards, launching her into the air, but she countered by swinging off a bladed pendulum Spider-Man style, which appeared out of nowhere. Upon landing, she startled Heart with a funny diagonal roundhouse, Hulk style. Then she dashed to Ruby's descending body and gave her a quick fierce slashes with her claws, Ibuki style.

"What is this, Marvel Super Heroes + Second Impact?" commented Akuma.

Hsien-ko sent a few spiked balls over to Ruby, attempting to knock her down Capcom Bowling style, but Ruby blocked the attacks and took off her..belt...and whipped Hsien-ko in the mouth, goddamn!

"What the hell was that?!"

"I was being resourceful, arr."

"Why did you have to use your belt though?"

"Because I want to whip ya like ya daddy should'a; with his hard working belt! Arr!"

"What's the point of adding insult to injury?! Why do fighters like you have to taint the honorable ideals of street fighting combat with your vain, 'ownage' philosophies?!"

"Uh...ow...ownage?" Buletta's eyes began to open slightly, as she came to.

"Arr, ye don't get it at all, do you then?! Ownage is the right of manhood, the qualities that define who is the weak, and who is the strong! Those who deserve to reap the glory of the world, are those who pwn their weak enemies by any means necessary!"

"That's right, I don't get it! Why did we ever come to be enemies in the first place?!"

"To one who owns, all are the owneded!" Ruby summoned several great explosions of water, and was determined to tear the block apart. The building in which the Chinese Ghosts restaurant operated collapsed, and began to flood the streets. She and Hsien-ko did not seem to react, as they floated all the way to the top of a nearby building's ceiling (a Best Buy, no less, so you know the roof had that fucked up angle thing going on with the logo). They both stepped onto the ceiling, with the cold chill of the howling midnight gusts blowing their clothing violently into the night (for added fucking effect!).

"Buletta, let's go up there." The first words Akuma said to his freshly revived student. "Oh, and why the hell aren't you in a hang over?"

"We can't get up there. The water they used to float up to the ceiling just dissipated. And I'm the greatest drinker in the world, of course I don't get hang overs."

"Bull-fucking-shit. I bet Gen could drink like 100 bottles of Listerine and not give a fuck." Akuma reflected, upon the life of the Chinese assassin he once knew. "And I know the water's dissipated. We have Super Jumps, and you have a damn double jump added onto that."

"Oh. Yeah. D'oh." The master and student pair Tigger-bounced onto the Best Buy's ceiling. "Whoever designed that fucking yellow tag needs to get SHOT."

"Silence. The final battle begins." Akuma turned Buletta's head towards the culmination of the fight.

Ruby swung her anchor one last time.

"Then I'll have to show you that power isn't a right exclusive to arrogant!" Hsien-ko dropped the giant claws protruding out of her gigantic sleeves, and tore the threads connecting the sleeves to her dress right off. "INSTANT..."

Ruby dashed at her opponent and leaped into the sky with her anchor pinpointed directly at Hsien-ko's head.

"...HELL..."

With the steam of blood thawing her hands, Hsien-ko teleported out of harm's way, and before Ruby could descend from her jump, Hsien-ko had reappeared directly behind her, and had already grabbed her body, setting her up for the finisher.

"...MURDER!!!"

The moonlight eye had shut and flickered, and once the darkness was unsheathed, Ruby Heart had fallen.

"VICTORY!!!" Hsien-ko, posing for no one and nothing in particular, began shooting off V signs with her hands like nobody's business.

"...gay" was Akuma's only response to the climax. "Weakness. She barely ruptured the pirate woman's back, much less her life. Don't you think so?" Akuma didn't bother turning his head to check on Buletta for an answer; he already knew it would be a waste of a head turn because he had already known what her reaction to seeing the Instant Hell Murder again would be.

"HSIEN-KO!!!" Buletta pointed at her former bounty head, snarling with fangs. "ONLY ONE WILL WALK THE EARTH WITH THE KNOWLEDGE OF THAT FINAL TECHNIQUE, THE GLORY OF THE ANSATSUKEN ARTS!!!"

"Um...oh yeah, you were at the Six Flags! What're you doing here?"

"THE INSTANT HELL RAGING MURDERER DEMON WILL NOT BE TAINTED WITH YOUR PROFANE, IDEALISTIC WAYS!!!" Buletta clapped her hands together and formed a glowing, ki-based automatic weapon. This was Buletta's perfected, custom technique of the Ansatsuken ways: the Hadou-42!

"So do you really think you're cool because you yell when you speak?!" Hsien-ko quickly prepared herself against Buletta's inevitable onslaught.

"Werd!"

***