Here I am again!
Aaaah, this is nothing like the stories before – you guys actually inspire me a lot (just had an idea for a Sanzo-centric AMV...). I think I will happily stay in this category for a while...
05.04.2005: Answers to reviews removed. See chapter 3 for reason.
DISCLAIMER: Saiyuki isn't mine, and I do not intend to make money with this fic.
CHAPTER 4
After they had checked out the town, bought a few supplies and left Gojyo at a bar ('Let's see whether I can stock up our finances a little', the red-haired half-demon had said while eyeing the poker games being played at various tables throughout the room), Hakkai and Goku returned to the inn. The monkeylike boy yawned widely as they went upstairs to settle down for the night.
'Um, Hakkai', he asked sleepily as he opened the door to his room, 'do you think Kouryuu is alright now?'
'I'm sure he will be', the older youkai answered with a reassuring smile, and Goku, satisfied with his answer, simply nodded and closed the door behind him.
Hakkai's smile vanished as soon as he heard the door's latch click into place. The lie had been convincing enough for Goku – he had to admit to himself, however, that he was not sure about the blond man's well-being at all.
'Better go and check on him before going to bed', he thought and walked down the hallway to quietly knock on the former monk's door.
'Kouryuu?'
No answer from the inside. Had he already gone to sleep? Hakkai doubted it – if the past had taught him anything about Genjo Sanzo, now known as Kouryuu, it was that stress triggered insomnia in him. And this situation clearly was not easy for him.
'Kouryuu? I'm coming in now...'
He opened the door to peek inside – and his eyes widened at the puddle of red on the floor in which the blond was lying, unmoving.
"Oh shit," he cursed under his breath, furious with himself as he rushed over to the still body of the former monk. The warning signs that something like this could happen had all been there – how could he have ignored them, left an obvious candidate for suicide alone?
When he knelt down beside Kouryuu, he saw at once what he had done to himself. A deep wound in his left forearm, blood still running out of it, caused by the shaving knife lying next to his hand... The other arm only had a small line on it, as if from a scratch, barely bleeding at all – clearly, the blood loss had kept him from cutting any further down.
'Thank the Gods he didn't go any faster about it', the healer thought when he searched for a pulse on Kouryuu's neck, and, after several seconds, found a weak, hesitating beat under his fingers.
'If he had managed to cut as far into his other arm, he would definitely be dead by now...'
Soft green light emanated from his hand as he placed it on the gaping wound the former Sanzo had sawed into his left arm. Only now, while he could do nothing but channel his Ki into the blond Youkai, did he realize two things: A drop of blood had somehow found its way onto Kouryuu's forehead, to run down to his temple from the exact spot where the chakra had been...
... and for the first time since Hakkai had known him, a genuine-looking smile softened his features.
When Kouryuu opened his eyes and his vision focused, he realized two things: First, he was still in the same accursed body he was supposed to have left, and second, Hakkai sat on a chair at the side of the bed he was lying on, snoring softly.
'I can't believe it, those dumbasses saved me... can't I even properly kill myself without them interfering?'
He tried to sit up, and, with a groan on account of his head threatening to split in two, realized that that hadn't been his wisest idea. The noise, however, awakened Hakkai, who rubbed his eyes and then turned his gaze on him.
"Good afternoon, Kouryuu. How are you feeling?"
The blond man decided against gracing this incredibly stupid question with an answer and avoided the healer's eyes. Hakkai, who was not wearing his customary smile on his face today, realized it shortly afterwards and shook his head.
"I take it you don't want to talk. Very well, then I will do the talking. It has been five days since you decided to be dramatic and carve a hole into your arm. Do you feel in any way declined to tell me what has gotten into you?"
That made Kouryuu look up and at the man on the chair. He had never heard Hakkai sound so... angry. A sudden urge to explain himself to the youkai, who had been through a similar ordeal he was forced to face now, grew in his mind. He stared down at his arm, where darker scar tissue reminded him of the deep cut that had been supposed to end his life, and with the raspy voice of somebody who had not spoken in days, he finally managed to say:
"I can't live on like this..."
He looked up into Hakkai's stern face.
The other man finally replied, "Whatever happened to the Genjo Sanzo who took me to my death... and released me into the world with a new name, a new life, and the suggestion, no, the order, to look ahead and let go of my past?"
The combination of the youkai mentioning his old name, along with bringing up the stinging truth that Kouryuu did not practice what he had always preached, made the blond man on the bad clench his teeth with rage.
"Let the past go? Look ahead?", he snarled. "Look ahead to what? To having no place to return to? To all of you going your own way, leaving me in some stinking little village like this, where I can try and keep the country bumpkins from throwing stones at me once they find out what I am? Genjo Sanzo is dead – he died the night I changed! WAS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED TO KNOW?"
Some ruckus from outside indicated that Gojyo and Goku were listening at the door. So much the better – then he would not have to yell at all three of them separately.
Kouryuu expected Hakkai to sport a surprised and hurt expression now, to excuse himself and leave the room. What he did not expect was an incredibly cold glare from emerald eyes, preceding a quiet, but equally icy voice replying to his anger-filled tirade...
"So Genjo Sanzo is dead, is that it? Well, maybe you might want to think about the fact that the self-same Genjo Sanzo that you claim not to be anymore would not grant me what he now demands for himself, that he claims his situation to be worse than that of any other person he does and does not know, which, by the way, is the biggest bullshit I have ever heard, and trust me, I have heard a lot of crap..."
Kouryuu started at that, eyes wide in surprise. Mild-mannered Hakkai using that kind of tone, those profanities...?
"... You claim not to be this Genjo Sanzo character anymore?", the green-eyed youkai continued in the same cold voice. "Well, I am sorry to take notice, but you still behave a lot like him. If you really want to be an independent person and not just a shadow of your own past, you might want to think about opening up to your companions a little more, instead of grieving for for that which has been and making foolish attempts to end your existence. Heed your own advice for once, you selfish son-of-a-bitch!"
And with those words said, Hakkai got up from the chair and left, the door slamming shut behind him, leaving a completely baffled Kouryuu staring after him.
Why did Hakkai go off on Sanzo like that? Wait for the next chapter to find out...
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