Hello!

Okay, here it is, the chapter with, so far, the most shounen-ai-content. Know that it is rather mild, as I opted against going into detail any more (after all, this IS my first story of that nature). In the next story, I might go further, but for now, this will be it.

Special Thanks again to Zelgadis55, who betaed this chapter!

05.04.2005: Answers to reviews removed. See chapter 3 if you want to know why.

DISCLAIMER: Saiyuki is not mine. It's property of Minekura Kazuya.

CHAPTER 16

Hakkai's sigh was not one of relief when he finally heard two pairs of feet make their way away from the door and down the inn's hallway. Silence filled his head with invisible weight as he sat down on the chair that had been occupied by Goku just minutes ago.

Green eyes wandered over the still form in front of him, a chest only partly obstructed by a bandaged arm, the outline of slim, muscular legs under the blanket; then, back to the face, eyes closed, features oddly peaceful in sleep.

The brunette man felt scared and confused. What would Kouryuu's reaction be, should he wake up and find him at his bedside, after what he had done to him? And then, there was still the matter that had been left unaddressed before the attack... the kiss, the responding slap... and the fear that his confusion had been the cause for his actions while his limiters had been removed.

"Is that it?" he whispered, his voice barely audible to himself. "Have I been so confused that I tried to kill you? I remember... my confusion angered me, and I wanted to remove its source... How could I have lost control like that...?"

He got up again, wandered through the room aimlessly, the sound of his own voice soothing his nerves.

"I hope you will believe me that I did not want this to happen... If not for Kanzeon Bosatsu, you would be dead... I tried to save you, but I couldn't..."

His eyes fell on the sleeping blond again, and he could not deny any longer that the body in front of him held a mesmerizing attraction to him.

'But... why did I resort to violence when he kissed me? If I was truly attracted to him, why didn't I give in right then and there?'

In the silence of the room, with nothing to interrupt his thoughts, he finally found the answer within himself.

'I didn't want to feel used, didn't want to be discarded afterwards... I can't share kisses and more for one night, quick pleasure with nothing to follow...'

The voice of his denial reared up its head at that thought. 'Whoa, Hakkai, slow down... you aren't contemplating a relationship here, right? This is Kouryuu, SANZO, we're talking about here...'

Kouryuu had been the one to offer the kiss, not him.

The voice was not about to give up that easily. 'So? I bet one night was all he had in mind at that time. Stop dreaming and face reality!'

Hakkai chose to ignore it. The one person who could answer all his questions was not himself, it was the blond man who lay on the bed in front of him.

He sat back down on the chair.

"What are you doing to me?"

He wasn't aware of the fact that he had voiced his thoughts aloud until his own words reached his ears.

"Why... why am I thinking these things? Ever since that night, my mind is in an uproar, I can't determine how to think of you, how to react to your presence..."

He buried his face in his hands for a brief moment...

And when he looked up again, he saw violet eyes gazing back at him.

Kouryuu's mind had drifted slowly towards the bright light of consciousness when he heard Hakkai's voice starting to speak softly next to him. After he had heard the other man's thoughts on why he had tried to kill him, he had been about to open his eyes and announce that he was awake... but then, Hakkai began to talk once more.

"What are you doing to me? Why... why am I thinking these things? Ever since that night, my mind is in an uproar, I can't determine how to think of you, how to react to your presence..."

Gods, that sounded as though Hakkai's thoughts were still dominated by the... incident... that had happened days ago, when he had given in to his impulses.

He finally decided to open his eyes, and his gaze fell upon the brunette man sitting on a chair next to his bed, his face buried in his palms. Hakkai's chest was bare, as was his own, and several small bandages marked the wounds he had dealt him during their fight. He remembered almost everything that had happened... the horrible moment when he had been about to kill Hakkai in pure bloodlust, and Goku's voice, half in his ears, half in his head, had barely managed to break through the red veil of rage... the moment when a sharp pain in form of Hakkai's claws stabbed into his chest, shattering his ribcage, and his breathing was drowned in his own blood...

Now, the healer looked up again, and green eyes met his own. They contemplated each other silently for a long moment, Hakkai's eyes slightly widened with obvious nervousness. Then, Kouryuu spoke.

"Do not blame yourself for what happened during the fight. I... am sorry to have confused you."

Another long silence.Then, Hakkai's voice, quiet, sad.

"I have to take responsibility for my actions. I would have killed you if it hadn't been for the Goddess... and I don't have Goku's excuse. When I am changed, I still partly know what I am doing... and I wasn't strong enough to prevent it."

The healer almost felt the violet stare upon him harden.

"I know what it feels like now, Hakkai. You couldn't do a thing... Do you remember that I tried to kill you, and would have, if it hadn't been for Goku?"

The brunette looked up, shook his head. THAT particular detail he couldn't find in his memory.

A sigh came from the bed. "I... had you pinned on the ground, and was about to rip out your throat, finish it... I... rejoiced in all the blood I saw, looked forward to seeing more of it... and then, the monkey spoke to me in my head, reminded me who it was that I was about to kill, who I was... Goku saved your life at this very moment. I remember... I felt relieved to know who I was again... and yet there was regret for not having gone through with it... "

Hakkai saw his own guilt reflected back on him by the other's eyes; now it was his turn to sigh.

Kouryuu, however, was not finished yet.

"Both of us bear the same guilt, in more ways than one... maybe we should, I quote, 'heed our own advice for once'."

That actually got Hakkai to chuckle softly. "You are right. We should let it go – it is a thing of the past, and we can't change it anymore. Well, I shall lie back down for now..."

He was about to get up from his chair when Kouryuu's voice called him back.

"Hakkai – there is... something else... we need to talk about."

The brunette froze in his movements. Somehow, he had hoped that the blond man on the bed had forgotten – but he was right, the matter needed to be addressed, before even more troubles grew out of it.

Obediently, he sat back down, avoiding Kouryuu's eyes. How was he going to get through this particular conversation...?

The blond man, again, was the first to speak.

"You said... that you don't know how to react to my presence anymore... I was under the impression that you had made your choice the very same night."

The slap resounded loudly in Hakkai's mind in an endless loop.

"No!" The word burst out of him, making one of Kouryuu's eyebrows rise as the former monk waited for an explanation.

"No," the brunette man repeated softly, "it wasn't my choice... it was a reflex, done before I had time to think... once again, I did not know what I was doing."

The other eyebrow rose to meet the other in genuine surprise.

"Are you saying that – you were not angry, or disgusted, because of what I did?"

Hakkai smiled. "I wasn't angry, much less disgusted. What I felt was... fear, that it wasn't you who tried to kiss me, but your instincts taking over, you merely trying to prove something to yourself... I feared being used."

Silence.

Kouryuu stared at the other man incredulously. He had expected a lot of things, but not that being used had been the only worry Hakkai had harbored that night.

He had been thinking about the very same question for days – had he merely wanted to use him? Was there truly nothing else?

Now, when he looked at the brunette, who still smiled at him, a desperate expression in those magnificent green eyes, he finally understood his own feelings.

"What if that wasn't my intention?"

It was Hakkai's turn to stare when Kouryuu uttered this question, with an odd warmth in his voice. Should he believe him? He wanted to believe him...

"Are you... sure about this?" No explanations necessary, this was it, the question that would change the way they dealt with each other forever, no matter the outcome.

Hakkai started for a moment when he felt a hand grasp hold of his own. He looked down, into Kouryuu's face. A quiet smile lit up the blond man's features, violet eyes hypnotizing him just as they had once before. He had received his answer.

"What about you?"

The question turned back upon him, Hakkai only hesitated for the slightest moment before responding.

"I am, as well..."

When their lips met this time, shyly at first, neither of them was intent on ending the contact... Hands moved out, exploring, reveling in the feeling of silken skin and the occasional scar under the touching fingertips...

... And finally confusion fled, mental wounds that had been bleeding for days healed, to be replaced by the feeling of being fulfilled by each other.

Oooookay, here it is... :dives for cover: Please leave a review (and, in case you hate it, a virtual rotten tomato...)!