Disclaimer: I do not own Beyblade. I do own my characters that are mentioned, and Anu-Chan owns Madison (Kevin's cousin.)

Thursday 9th October 2003

I'm sat outside in the sun as I write this, leaning over the paper as I hide it from everyone's mocking glances, everyone's childish laughs as they play their stupid games. I'm in no mood to play today; all I want to do is write, drop the tired act that I have to drag up every time someone talks to me, act like I'm happy. Well, as happy as I'm supposed to act.

I'm not happy. I'm not.

The authoress' muse gave me this notepad this morning that would never run out of pages, said she and SC felt it would help me think over what I wanted to, think about my thoughts. Yeah. As if I believe that. They either pity me or are disgusted by me. They may pity me because the one person I love the most in this universe is with my best friend. They may be disgusted by me, because I was nearly my cousin's rapist.

It feels so … relieving to write it down, yet I feel like I'm going to be sick. I've kept it locked inside my mind since it's happened, and I can't talk to anyone about it, not even now Ray knows, and the authoress and her muse. It feels like I've been suddenly been flung into the spotlight, and everyone's staring and yelling at me as I try to cover my eyes against the glare, try to find a way out of it all. I never thought that this would happen. Never thought that she would tell. Stupid, really, to think that. I told her to tell.

I stare around the gardens that we have all settled in, and I can see that girl throwing stones into the water not too far away from me, a lot harder than necessary I think. She knows I love Mariah, though she doesn't know what I did. She's in a mess like me; she has a crush on my best friend, but he's with my cousin, and she took it very badly I heard. When we were all drifting on the raft that the authoress made for us, when it tipped over thanks to a girl freaking out about a wasp, she tried to drown herself, curling up in a ball as her black hair floated around her face, sinking down to the point where she wouldn't get back to the surface again as her clothes were soaked through to drag her down. I can remember the look in her eyes before the anger as I tugged her upwards towards the sunlight that marked the surface of the water, a desolate misery swirling in dark red irises. I had seen that look many times when I look in the mirror every morning out of habit. It's the look of someone who is giving up on life slowly, as if they don't want to let go, not just yet, but it's beginning to be too much for them to handle.

I know that feeling. I have it every time I wake up in the middle of the night from nightmares of Mariah staring blankly up at me from the floor, lying in a pool of her own blood. She daubs crude messages on the walls in crimson in my dreams now, and though I can't read them, I know what they say, the words crying, screaming at me, to me. They blame me for what I did, blame herself for not stopping it, blame Ray for not protecting her… I don't want her to blame herself. I did it. I did it all. I don't want her to blame Ray. He didn't know what would happen, didn't know I had loved my cousin since we were kids playing in the multicoloured woods, didn't I would nearly strip every cloth of dignity from her in less than half an hour, leaving only her virginity behind, though that only hung by a thread.

I remember trying to tell myself that it wasn't my fault either, in the days afterwards. It was the alcohol I had drank absently, to try to sink my mind and my torn heart into a drunken stupor, forget my friend who ran away and dishonoured us, forget my cousin who I could never have. It was the stress of the fact that my best friend had fled with what should have been mine, the fact that my family would disown me if I ventured anywhere near the person who tormented me continuously without even knowing about it.

It didn't take me long to realise I was talking a load of shit. It was my fault. I stole the wine and drank until I was no longer in control. I didn't stop myself. I nearly raped my thirteen-year-old cousin, and even though I didn't, I still marked her skin with my touch, my filthy touch smudging her smile away, her happiness, any love she had ever felt for me besides the cousinly affection. In twenty minutes, I shattered my everything.

==========

"How much longer?" Kevin groaned as he slumped against the heavy book, earning a shushing from a nearby monk. I knew what he meant, and gave him a shrug when the monk turned away before pretending to read the script in front of me. It had been over two years since we made the promise and first formed the White Tigers; I was now eleven years old while Mariah and Ray were ten, Kevin was eight, and Gary was the eldest at thirteen. It was time for our weekly 'lesson' and Ray mirrored my expression of extreme boredom as Gary nearly fell asleep against the table, Kevin leaning his head on his hands while his violet eyes drooped. Mariah was in another room of the temple, probably pouring over a similar script with the other girls in the village; for some reason, girls and boys had to have separate lessons, it was something the elders insisted on. I didn't know why, and I felt annoyed how one of the group had to always come running to find us at the end of each lesson.

Bruce snapped his fingers quietly under the long table to catch my attention, and signalled towards the window that was streaming sunlight into the room with a slight movement of his head. Bruce always tried to gain respect in the White Tigers, which now was our official name, always trying to please and help me, Ray, Mariah, Gary and Kevin, insisting that everything that went wrong around us was his fault, etc. Unfortunately for him, it just made it look like he was sucking up to us, especially to me and Ray, so I never really was able to like him much, even though I would never admit it.

I glanced up at the window and nearly cried out from alarm as I spotted light amber eyes staring right back at me, magenta hair hanging around them with just the slightest glimpse of a pink ribbon. I gave Ray a swift kick under the table and nodded over to the window as Mariah's face fully came into view to grin at me. After Ray realised who it was, he stopped shooting me death-glares for my trouble and stared incredulously at the window, not bothering to be discreet, forcing me to kick him again on the shin, this one being noticed by the elder who was 'teaching us.'

"Is there a problem Ren?" They always used our last names, I remember, and I can still hear the cold disproving tone in the elder's voice. I felt my face flush furiously and shook my head rapidly before ducking back to the book, the blush deepening as Kevin smothered a snigger. I wasn't trying to be a good boy; I just didn't want him to spot my cousin who was still hanging outside the window and couldn't take the hint to move out of sight. Most of the other boys had noticed her by now, and I could hear them trying to hide laughs behind their hands as several of them gazed at her; she was widely acknowledged as one of the prettiest girls in the village, and I could feel brotherly disapproval rise in my throat, along with another feeling that I still couldn't place.

"Five, four, three, two, one," Kevin muttered on my right side, and before I could ask him what he was talking about, the elder shuffled to his feet and cleared his throat.

"The lesson is over."

I immediately jumped out of my chair, nearly knocking it to the floor as Kevin clambered onto the table and ran along it to reach the door faster, Gary bowling the other boys over as he made for the door as well. I felt Ray knock past me, laughing at me over the rebuking of the monks as he shot through the door, Kevin darting out after him and Gary getting through at the last minute. I scowled as Kevin's mocking monkey grin greeted me in the corridor, Ray sharing a tiger-like smile while Gary smirked down at me; last out again. It was becoming a regular occurrence now. I really needed to think of a new plan.

"How did you know we were going to be let out then, Kevin?" Ray asked him as we sprinted outside, the warm June air washing over us, running past the girls as they walked back towards the village through the temple gate.

"I have a gift," Kevin grinned up at him, keeping up with the pace even though he was the smallest, not to mention the youngest. The girls squealed indignantly as dirt flying from the path that we kicked up behind us dirtied the clothes they always tried to keep so immaculate, and I rolled my eyes; I didn't get girls. They never wanted to do anything fun, and they always seemed to be staring or giggling at you. Well, Mariah and Kevin's cousin Madison weren't like that, but Mariah had never hung out with many girls, and Madison didn't hang around our village for long enough before being moved off to another aunt or uncle, so she never learned to act like the girls I knew.

"Hey!"

I skidded to a halt at the bottom of the archway that was the temple gate, nearly crashing into Ray as I looked around for the source of the voice that had rang out in the yard. It was another game we played, and since it was my turn for the day, I only had about five seconds before –

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAI!!!" I heard her screech, then fell forward as something slammed into my back. I fell face first into the dirt as Mariah knocked me to the floor, and I felt her sat on my spine, ruffling my hair as she giggling triumphantly. Ray was laughing heartily as he always did when one of us was caught out by Mariah's attack, and I merely gave him a withering look before pushing myself up from the ground, trying to throw my cousin off as I did. Mariah still clung miraculously to my back though, wrapping her legs around my stomach and gripping my shoulders as hard as she could.

"Mariah, let go, you little parasite," I tried to sound annoyed, but that was one of the hardest things to do when I had Ray, Kevin and Gary pulling stupid faces at me, especially since I didn't have the heart to be annoyed. I tried to pry her hands off my shoulders, but her stubborn nature shone through once again and she didn't budge an inch. I shrugged, giving up, and I walked along the path again, Kevin, Gary and Ray following automatically, Mariah riding piggy back no matter what I said.

"You're a mess, Lee," Ray pointed out a few silent moments later, glancing at the tunic and pants I was wearing. I looked down and frowned; I was completely covered in a reddish-brown dust from head to toe. I reached over my shoulder and slapped the clinging girl lightly over the head in exasperation.

"I look like I've been rolling in the dirt, thanks to you," I rebuked her sullenly, trying to brush some of the dust off (to no avail, may I add.)

"So?" Kevin asked, like it didn't matter, "You HAVE rolled in the dirt before and it didn't bother you then."

"Maybe that's because my mother didn't tell me that I had to keep my clothes and body clean with a capital C on that day," I snapped out of irritation, and Kevin didn't retort with a sarcastic or snappy comeback. He probably realised if he mentioned my mother in any way, I would end up knocking him out.

"Could go for a swim," Gary suggested as the path drew level again (the temple had been built on higher ground than the actual village.) "Then you could change your clothes when you get home."

"Swim in what?" I asked irritably, "The well?"

"No. You could swim in that," Gary said simply, pointing through the sparse trees to a river that was flowing not too far away. I stared at it for a few moments, then turned to Ray, whose mouth was slowly stretching into a grin.

"What do you think?" He asked before I could say anything.

"We'd get caught," I replied bluntly, "And we don't have anything to dry ourselves with."

"Aww, don't be such a grump Lee," Mariah slid off my back and immediately shot towards the river with Kevin in hot pursuit. Gary slowly made his way after them, and Ray turned to me for a moment, halfway through a step after the others.

"Coming?"

I sighed deeply, my shoulders slumping from defeat, then nodded my head. His grin reappeared so fast it was pretty alarming, and he seized my arm to drag me along, as if to make sure I wasn't lying. I felt as though we were making a big mistake for some reason, but I let myself be towed anyway.

"Mariah can't even swim yet," I muttered mutinously.

As we caught up with the others, Kevin had already stripped off everything and dived right into the water, which was confirmed to be very cold by his howls and yells. I looked around for a moment; they had picked a shallow spot that was surrounded by long grass, but still, I felt uncomfortable having to strip off to go for a swim. Kevin might have no worries about going swimming wearing nothing but a smile, but I still felt like I shouldn't.

It was weird for me to think that. The entire of our group had always gone swimming before now in the nude; it just made things easier, no sopping wet clothes to drag back, no clothes to drag us under in the water. After I remembered that again, the throbbing embarrassment disappeared, and I was left wondering why it had been there at all as I flopped down on the bank and untied the dark red sash around my waist.

When I pulled my tunic over my head, I caught a glimpse of Mariah as she dumped her pants and top on the grass and quickly took off her underwear. My face burned scarlet, but I couldn't help staring; I never really thought of Mariah as anything other than one of the guys, but there were a few things that always brought that crashing around my pointy ears. I had always taken it for granted that girls and guys had different bodies, but I had never realised how different we were. She was getting bigger around the chest, I noticed, then yanked my tunic back over my eyes so I couldn't see anymore until I heard her splash into the water.

==========

"That was great!" A thoroughly soaked Ray yelled to the skies about an hour later as he pulled his clothes back on, not seeming to mind how the fabric stuck to his body. Mariah, Kevin and Gary were all waiting patiently for us, dangling their feet in the water absently as I tied my hair back with the strip of white ribbon; sure, I was a guy, but we weren't allowed to cut our hair in the village. I didn't get how Gary could keep his hair so short, so I was stuck with a ribbon to stop myself from looking 'feminine' as Ray would say. He couldn't talk, his hair was longer than Mariah's, but he seemed proud of it.

I wish I could be proud of who and what I am, but what've I got to be proud of anymore?

"Oh damn!" Kevin yelled out suddenly, leaping to his feet, making Gary jump and nearly topple into the water.

"Kevin!" Mariah shouted disapprovingly, scowling at him. The five year old bobbed his head apologetically before running towards the path as fast as he could, then stopped to turn back to us.

"I gotta get home! I'm supposed to be grounded! Gary, can you make an excuse for me?" he called out to us; his parents seemed to trust Gary more than myself and Ray, being the eldest, so whenever trouble with the parents appeared on the horizon, Kevin dragged Gary along to clear it all up. Gary got to his feet to run after the green haired monkey, and after a few moments they had vanished from view with only a yelled farewell being left behind.

"… that's normal," Ray shrugged, wringing out his ponytail as Mariah wore a completely shocked expression on her face. She looked so comical that I spluttered, trying to hold the laugh down but only making it worse, nearly falling backwards into the river again as Ray gave me a look that said 'Okay, he's lost it at last.'

"Lee? Earth to Lee?" Mariah turned her head sideways like a puppy to see my face, leaning towards me, and I can remember how quickly I stopped laughing. She was close, way too close, and I got up from the ground sharpish, trying to stop the blush that was threatening to invade my face again, trying to squash down that feeling that was building up in my chest. She raised an eyebrow at me, looking mildly puzzled for a moment or two, then she beamed at me again, like she always did.

"Shall we head back?" I turned to see Ray smiling at me and Mariah, and I swallowed the feeling down again, like I had been doing for the last two years. I didn't know what it was, and I had always felt that anything unknown was a threat (especially anything Mariah had 'cooked.') so I always ignored it, trying to squash it out of me. I tied the belt more tightly around my waist and we all headed slowly up back towards the dirt path, hair dripping and clothes dirty and covered in dust.

As we were just walking into the first part of the village, walking in silence except for the noise of kids beyblading behind the grocery store, I cleared my throat to catch the other's attention and took a deep breath to prepare myself for what I was about to say.

"Guys, what is it when you … feel …" I couldn't really think of words to describe it " … happy when a certain girl's around you …" I felt my face burning again and Mariah and Ray gaped at me. I wished they wouldn't, wished they'd stop staring as their eyes grew as wide as dinner plates.

"Lee, you've got a crush on someone!!" Ray yelled out, causing some of the older kids sat on a doorstep nearby to turn towards us and gawp as well. I tackled Ray around the ribs and after a few moments of struggling on the ground with Mariah laughing at us both, I straddled his chest and scowled down at him.

"Ray, you didn't need to yell it," I hissed. The blood in my cheeks was boiling, and I grew more uncomfortable as Mariah stared at me as if I was mad. I didn't want the entire world to know that I had a 'crush' on anyone, whatever it was. Ray shoved me off and climbed to his feet after a few moments of silence, dragging me up after him, and he grinned at me, his eyes alive and dancing in his tanned face.

"What's a crush?" I mumbled as the few people who were watching went along their business. Ray's expression told me that he wasn't sure if I was kidding around or not; after all, I knew practically everything, so why shouldn't I know what a crush was? Mariah stepped forward to answer my question while Ray's face kept changing looks.

"It's when you're a girl and you like a guy, or if you're a guy and you like a girl," she said simply, as if that was all there was to it. When she noticed that I was still wearing a completely bewildered look, she continued with an air of exasperation, "When you like them a lot lot more than friends usually do."

"Mariah, you can't explain anything," Ray said bluntly, shaking his head and frowning slightly as he thought it over. "A crush is when you like someone like … like how parents like each other."

"For some reason, that explanation isn't helping," I told them dryly. Ray and Mariah exchanged glances, light amber eyes mirroring each other as they exchanged thoughts through their expressions, then Mariah broke into a grin that I had learned over the time I had spent with her meant that something very very very bad was going to happen. The last time she had grinned like that, mine, Ray's, Kevin's and Gary's clothes mysteriously vanished when we were going for a swim last summer.

How did I react when she simply moved forward faster than I thought possible and kissed me on the lips? I can't really remember. I think I just froze, completely paralysed on the spot as her mouth pressed against mine in a not-so-cousinly kiss for a few moments. It felt like a lifetime passed with her lips lingering on mine, then she jumped backwards and smirked at me as I gawped at her.

"A crush is when you want to do that to a person."

I couldn't speak. I felt my heart hammering loudly in my chest, and for a second I thought I was going to faint as my head swam. Ray took the look on my face as one of absolute paralysing shock and he chuckled at me before he waved a hand in front of my face.

"I think you scared him," he laughed, then grabbed me in an headlock, ruffling my hair playfully as the feeling came back into the rest of my body and I struggled to get away, "Aww, who's the lucky girl Lee?" he asked, his grip around my neck too tight for me to wriggle out of, "Tell all!!" he insisted.

"Get off," I choked out, flailing my arms at him though I didn't reach the mark. I couldn't tell them, they'd laugh at me, and Mariah would be more than just little freaked out. I needed to make an excuse, and fast, so I cast my mind around for a suitable girl that wouldn't make me look and feel like an idiot for saying. Mariah kept drifting in and out of my mind annoyingly, and then I settled on a girl my age with long dark green hair who was leaning against the temple gates as she waited for us to get out of the temple.

"Tell meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Ray dragged out the word annoyingly as I kept struggling in his hold.

"Get off me Ray!!" I demanded, still trying desperately to hit him and get out of telling them anything. I didn't want to tell them, didn't want to tell them a lie either. Why did this sort of think always happen to me?

"Who is it?" Mariah asked, grinning good-naturedly at me as I thrashed around, Ray clinging on for dear life.. For a few seconds I just moved my head to stare at the floor, tried to think of a way to get out of this mess as I counted the stones on the dirt. When I couldn't think of any way out, I gave up, took a deep breath and answered.

"Madison."

Mariah squealed and clapped her hands, and Ray dropped my head as he grinned goofily at me, my face flushing scarlet as I watched them dance around and act like it was such a big deal. A lot of people were staring at us by then, but not in a bad way; just a sort of an amused way. I hoped they hadn't heard. It was bad enough lying to my friends.

"You have a crush on Kevin's older cousin-sister!!" Ray whooped, using the phrase that we all did (I called Mariah my cousin-sister, while she called me her cousin-brother, you see?) as he swung Mariah around in his glee. I knew Ray wasn't being spiteful or anything, but I still wanted to hit him for suddenly throwing me into a spotlight and acting like it was so shocking and great. I didn't think it was great; it was too much of a hassle.

"I'm going now," I announced loudly as Mariah and Ray carried on dancing around me. I don't think they even heard me; they just kept laughing and running around like idiots, so I just sighed and walked onto the porch, disappearing inside the house without them even realising.

That hurt. But I couldn't help smiling … I knew what I was feeling. I had a crush on my cousin. I had a crush on Mariah. I still have a crush on Mariah.

I think I'm wrong about the crush part now. Love's going too far … I think, though SC would probably argue over that point. Obsession might be a better description.

==========

I dug the knife downwards, and my eyes watered; I hated chopping onions (Got you, didn't I?) My father was cutting vegetables on the table behind me, and I cursed him for getting out of it as my eyes kept stinging as the sharp vapours crept in. My mother was out for the moment, so that left us to prepare the meal. I learned a few years later that most guys would complain about having to do the cooking, and I can remember feeling mildly confused about it; what was so weird about it?

"Father," I broke the silence, the formal term strange in my mouth as I laid down my knife for a moment, staring down at the chopping board; I had stopped calling my father 'papa' as Mariah did for hers a while ago, deemed myself too old to call him such a childish name, but now I regretted it slightly, "Can I ask you something?"

"I think you just did," my father joked, his dark amber eyes a reflection of my own shining in his tanned face as he scowled at the vegetables he was cutting, again as the knife he was using scraped his hand for the third time. I smirked slightly, my mouth twitching, then I turned around to face him, my face solemn. He spotted the seriousness etched into my face after a moment or two, so he laid his blade onto the table as well, a frown gracing his face as he examined my face, "What's up?"

I needed to ask him. I needed to make sure. I could remember hearing somewhere once that brothers and sisters couldn't like each other, and until today, I hadn't actually understood what they meant. What if it was the same for cousins? I didn't want to get Mariah in trouble, and I didn't want to get myself in trouble either, so I had to ask him before it was too late.

==========

Believe me, sometimes I wish with all my being I had never asked him. He knows. I thought I was discreet enough, but I know now that I was so blatant, so damn OBVIOUS that it's impossible for him not to know.

I asked him whether it was wrong to like your cousin. He told me that it was called incest, and it was wrong and it upset families and the elders. He told me that I should never ever think about it. He told me that once someone in my family did the same thing, and he got thrown out of the village. Whether it was true or not, I believed him then. I cried when I went to bed.

I'm inside the mansion again, everyone watching this stupid film on the TV while I sit against the wall and write in this journal of sorts. Mariah broke up with her boyfriend today, my best friend, and I feel him glare my way from time to time, feel his heart crying out from the unfairness of it all, for yet again it is my fault. It's my fault, of course, because I touched her, and she doesn't want to be in a physical relationship with anyone yet, not even a kiss or an intimate embrace. She's afraid someone will hurt her again, like I did. It hurts to know she cries about it, like Ray told me yesterday in a rage, feels it isn't my fault. It hurts so much.

That girl's supposedly watching the film with the others, though I can see how her eyes looked glazed as she stares blankly at the screen, her ears deaf to the voices around her and issuing from the speakers. We have a lot in common, I think. I spoke to her briefly yesterday and today, and she has an odd way of seeing things that happen in the world, and she's a good person to talk to, though not many of the others seem to realise it. Since she knows about my feelings for Mariah, I can talk to her freely about it, like I did today.

"Kari, what do you think about it?" I ask her as we stare at the lake, oblivious to the yells as Kai and a guy my age argue loudly on the other side, the guy's younger sister cringing with embarrassment as SC yells at them to knock it off as the rest of the teenagers gawk at them. The black haired girl frowned heavily at the water as it shone in the rapidly descending sun that streaked the sky blood red, smooth and as clear as glass. I can see the shiny scars on her arms easily now, all the way from her wrist to elbow, but I don't say anything as I know that I'm nearly the same on my own. But we're different because she's not afraid to show them.

"I think you need to try letting go of your feelings for her." She told me quietly after a moment or two, lifting her head a little so her dark red eyes are burning into my dark amber irises. I try to avoid her gaze. "I don't know you that well, but I doubt you deserve what you're putting yourself through." She said it all so ... flatly, like this had no meaning for her. Her own eyes narrowed as she stared out to the water, ignoring the others staring over at us, and her hand carefully ran down her arm, as though she remembered something.

I can't help thinking what she says is true. Do I deserve it? Yes, of course I do, I deserve to suffer, more than the cuts on my arms make me.

But she doesn't deserve it. She never did anything wrong.

"You're becoming obsessed Lee. You're going to end up killing yourself!" The thirteen year old authoress nearly shrieks out,, her face twisted with concern for me while her eyes begin to shine, her muse frowning slightly as they block my way through to the bunkroom.

Am I?

I feel like screaming, screaming out of anger, frustration and misery that's been building up inside me for the last five years, but I can't. Not here.

Authoress notes: Read and review at your own leisure.

-SC-