Disclaimer: I do not own Beyblade. However, I own my own characters and the pairing one-sided Lee/Mariah (since September last year), Anu owns Madison Ki. Jedi Princess Clarrisani owns the last name of 'Ki', though.

For my random thing of the day, the White Tigers supposedly live in the Shandong area of China. Must fund an expedition … does anyone want to come?

Sunday 12th October 2003

I don't really know what to write. There's nothing to be said, and I don't think I can conjure anything out of thin air. May as well be basic … my name is Kakara Li. I'm fifteen years old, sixteen next month. I'm writing this in the psychiatric ward of a hospital in the area that I live.

There's nothing more to say.

She was right. There isn't.

She told me a lot of things when I went to the hospital. Lots of painful things. About her mother, father, sister. Younger brother. About all that had happened to her. She cried. According to Luci, no one has ever really seen Kari cry before she tried to kill herself. She just keeps all her emotions locked away, but this time they forced themselves out. It was … awkward, to say the least.

It hurt a lot to tell me what she did, but I understand her more now that she did. She grew up in the shadow of her older sister, her beautiful, smart and sensible sister, and no matter what she does, Kuai will have done it first. Kuai gets all the best jobs, the best degrees, the best clothes, the best everything, while Kari struggles with the work that Kuai would have done in about five minutes and had enough time to go out with her handsome and completely independent and respectable boyfriend. And in their parents' eyes, Kuai is their number one daughter while Kari drifts around in the background.

She told me more, but since anyone can read this without me knowing, I think I'll leave it there. It was bad enough listening to it, especially when she started to cry. I patted her arm a little, but then she flung her arms around me, which was unnerving. I supposed that all people need to break down at some point, so I didn't really mind that much.

I can't imagine what it's like for your parents to not care about you. Parents are supposed to be there to pick you up when you fall, wipe away your tears when you cry and beam at you with pride when you get over obstacles in your life, not ignore you like you're inferior. I wouldn't know about having brothers or sisters; not many people in our village have more than one child (my mother's parents and Kevin's grandparents are a rare exception, supposedly.)

Kids … it's weird to think that one day I might be sat at home with a son or daughter sat on my lap, staring up at me. It's weird to think of me becoming old and becoming too weak to even get out of a chair without help. Disturbing thoughts really, I've got a long time before I get old, and definitely a long time before I settle down and have kids.

I don't think I'll ever find anyone to replace her anyway. Sure, I've been out with a few girls, but I never really put enough heart into it, and I've upset a couple of girls that way. I think I'm just trying to find someone to replace her, but I'm failing so miserably that it's almost laughable; find anyone to replace the girl who I've loved for most of my life? Yeah right.

Mariah. I can't tell you what I feel, but at least I can write it down. I know you 'forgave' me, but I can't stop feeling so sick inside myself, and I still can't tell you how sorry I am. You told me you were stained because of me, and I've tried my best to make myself the same, even though your stains are invisible while mine are always covered. Scars on my wrists, burns on my back. The cuts are my attempts to atone, while the burns are there to remind me what I did. As if I could ever forget.

I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to love you like this. Why couldn't I be as innocent and pure as I was when I was a young child? Please Mariah, hear me when I say this; I am so so sorry.

==========

Spring changed into summer, and Mariah celebrated her eleventh birthday in the May. The celebration was strictly family and friends, though since nearly everyone in our village is related, that hardly lowered the number on the guest list. It was her time to 'become a woman', though I didn't understand that, nor did Ray, Kevin or Gary. Mariah was just the same as ever in our eyes, the same young innocent girl we had always known and yet still thought of as one of the guys.

She was beginning to worry me though; she was … changing. She spent more time hanging around with Madison, preened in front of nearly every mirror she saw, and once or twice I spotted her dusting her face with make-up in her room. It was obvious that she was embarrassed, simply by the way she jumped every time we spotted her having a girly conversation with Kevin's older cousin, the way she turned away sharply from the shiny silver mirrors when she spotted me standing behind her, and the way she furiously scrubbed off the make-up, face burning scarlet.

"You don't need to wear make-up anyhow," Ray remarked one day when she was washing it off, the light golden eye-shadow disappearing to return her face to innocent perfection, though slightly tinged with red. "You're pretty enough without make-up." His hand rose to wipe away a smudge of gold with the tips of his fingers. I remember how I frowned.

And while she tried to change herself, her body was changing anyway. I tried not to notice, but even Kevin couldn't ignore that she was suddenly changing … shape, to put it delicately. She wore looser clothes, frightened by all these sudden new things, new curves and new assets, though she couldn't hide them, no matter how hard she tried.

"I can't swim with you guys anymore," she said quietly to me one day when we were walking through the woods, a rare occasion where we were on our own.

"Why?" I asked, confusion contorting my face.

Her light amber eyes looked weary as she looked up at me, though she was nearly level with my height now, and her face sagged with the weight of everything she was going through, "My mama said we shouldn't let each other see our bodies when there's nothing to cover us up. And she says even if I cover myself up, I can't swim with you all 'cause you always swim naked."

"But –" my brow knitted together as I tried to take this in, " – it's what we always do, and your mother never told us that before."

"I know," she sighed quietly, "But she says it's 'cause I'm growing up." She turned to me suddenly, frowning, "I hate having to grow up; it's too much of a hassle. Why don't you have to grow up?" she asked me, her voice slightly accusing me, as if it was my fault.

"I dunno." I did actually; my father had told me when I asked that I was going to 'grow up' a bit later than Mariah because I was a boy. But if I told Mariah that, she would have started on another rant of how it wasn't fair, and I admitted that I was tired of it already. I loved my cousin, I really did, in more than one way, but I didn't really like it when she was upset about how she was different to us, and didn't understand some of the things we all talked about. I think there were sometimes she wished she had been born a boy, so she wouldn't have to be different to us anymore.

We would have done anything for one of our friends, so we all agreed that we'd at least wear our underwear when we swam. It caused a lot of bother; we were always freezing while we walked back, especially on the cooler days, and Mariah was reluctant to swim at all if she didn't wear all her clothes. But then she didn't really swim anyway, only paddled around in the water for a bit in warmer weather; she was one of the only children in our village who couldn't swim. I had tried to teach her once or twice, but she was quick to give up on something if she couldn't do it straight away.

Well. Everything except beyblading. But what did you expect?

==========

One late June morning, I walked idly through the village, the sun shining in a nearly cloudless sky, the warmth enough to be pleasant, but not overwhelming as it sometimes got. I was bored; Ray was off practicing kung fu with some of the other guys in the temple, Gary's and Kevin's families were having another of their little get-togethers, so I knew I wouldn't see any of them for most of the day. I hadn't seen Mariah at all, and since I remembered hearing my mother say that she and Madison were talking about the limited 'girl' stuff they both knew (Madison hardly was the winner of the Girly Girl of the Month award either), so I decided not to even consider visiting her for a while.

The village was as same as ever, I thought absently as I kicked at the dirt. Nothing ever really happened here. It was just a case of live each day as it came and you knew that every day would be the same. Sure, a few people had visited from the outside, but since no one was allowed to know what they were here for, life stayed the same. There were whispers of old wars, our past, the reason why all the different tribes had suddenly come together into such a small community, and even an eleven-year-old such as I was could tell that something was going wrong. But when I asked my grandfather about the men who had visited him a few times now, he simply chuckled, shook his head and told me "You needn't concern yourself over such matters Lee. You should enjoy your childhood while it lasts, not spend it worrying about an old man who is perfectly capable of handling situations himself."

Enjoy my childhood.

Ha.

I didn't often take walks around the village with no one with me. It was kinda depressing really, especially the fact that my cousin was just sat in her room, twittering away to Madison about all these stupid stupid 'lady' things that my mother said were important for her to learn, and that Madison, as a girl nearly two years Mariah's senior, could tell her about a lot of stuff that was going to happen to her. Like what? It was hardly as if she was going to start bleeding to death or something. I did like Kevin's older cousin-sister and I didn't think she was annoying as I did with most of the girls in our town, but it was irritating how she managed to enrapture Mariah with all those stupid conversations about boys, make-up and girl stuff in general.

Great. I was bored and angry. A perfect combination.

"Hey Lee!"

I felt someone grab at my arm and twist me around, and found myself looking up at a tall twelve year old that I knew was going to be ranting about a certain friend of mine from the lump on his head. Tao Khau. He and Ray had never really seen eye to eye, in and out of the beydish, and I think he was a little jealous of the things that Ray could do, and he, as a older, stronger and taller opponent, never got over it.

"What's up Tao?" I asked, not letting myself get intimidated by someone just because I was nearly a head shorter than he was. There was a group of his friends hanging around behind him, and they were all shifting around either nervously or they were just bored.

"Ray. Where is he?"

I looked innocently up at him, "Who?"

I could have sworn the vein in his temple bulged next to the lump Ray had accidentally given him the last time they sparred, "You know exactly who I mean."

I thought about it, "OH, Ray!" I remarked, as though it had come to me in a flash of remembrance, "He's up at the temple. You know, training and stuff." A evil thought crept into my mind while I was thinking, and I grinned, "Yeah, I almost thought he wouldn't be there, you know, 'cause he hurt his ankle."

"He hurt his ankle?" Tao smirked, obviously falling for the ploy hook, line and sinker. I had nothing against the guy, but I didn't like the fact how he seemed to want to beat Ray in anyway possible. It was time his ego was deflated a little.

"Yeah, he could barely walk this morning," I sighed melodramatically, "I think someone had to help him walk all that way, 'cause he insisted that he had to go train."

Tao's brow knitted together as he searched my face to see anything that betrayed that I was lying. He found nothing, of course; I was nearly as good as Kevin at lying and not getting caught for it, while Gary, Ray and Mariah always had trouble with it. Something about their eyes, Kevin said.

"Okay," he said hesitantly, his eyes not leaving my face, "If you say so…"

"Would I lie?" I asked, my face holding it's angelic look while internally I was dying to laugh.

Tao snorted and jogged off down the path, his little group of followers walking along behind him. After making sure he was well away, my face broke into a broad grin and I indulged in a loud laugh; thick as two bricks.

==========

I can't really concentrate. Emma's at the front singing along to her CD player at the top of her lungs; we're using a bus to get back. How does a bus travel from country to country? The muses at the front are having a great time making us appear in different continents, let alone countries. There's a couple making out in the back of the bus, Kevin 'reading' a borrowed magazine while the owner goes through the rest of the pile, Gary's simply staring out the window while the scenery changes from snow, to sun, to rain, to hail, and I wouldn't be surprised if the twins at the front had taken something from the way they're acting.

In four words, this generation is fucked.

I'm trying to remember what happened after I tricked Tao into going up to the temple to fight Ray, but I can hardly hear myself think in this noise. It's mostly the people at the front of the bus, for Kevin, Gary, Seigyoku and the two in the back are too distracted to say anything anyway. I'm TIRED of all this shouting; it reminds a lot of the Asian Tournament. The fame was nice for a while, being approached while walking to the match and being asked for an autograph, but it became tiresome very quickly. Mariah couldn't go anywhere without getting catcalls off her fans, them all leering at her, I was stalked all over the place by mad twittering girls, and Kevin had had enough of girls picking him up and cuddling him like a doll. It was irritating as well that, though not without fans, Gary would usually be left out if we were suddenly mobbed in the China Tower, and when we went to Russia.

But about these idiots at the front of the bus … I think I'm going to have to do something drastic.

==========

Finally. Silence.

I think I've got a black eye, but nothing that won't heal in a few days.

At least I can remember what I was trying to write.

==========

After I had watched Tao head on his merry way, I carried on walking along the street absently, watching as the younger children shot off to the large crowd behind the grocery store. The people watching groaned as a boy's beyblade was shattered to bits, and I smirked, becoming very aware of my own black beyblade nestled in my pocket. Why not? I had the time, and I didn't think Ray or anyone would be coming out of their various engagements for at least a couple of hours.

As I approached the crowd, many of the people who spotted me automatically moved back to let me pass; I was a well-known blader by this point, and though I, nor any of my friends yet owned a sacred spirit, I didn't think any outsider of the White Tigers had defeated us. Yet. It was very bad to get arrogant merely because we thought we had more skill that the competition. Many a match had been lost by potentially skilled beybladers because they got overconfident. But in saying that, I was hardly guiltless of having a swelled head from time to time.

"Who's next?" The boy who seemed to always referee these matches asked loudly to the crowd, greeting me with a grin and a nod as I pulled my beyblade, shooter and ripcord out of my pockets, "Who is brave enough to face the fiery battle style of Lee, captain of the White Tigers?" I think the boy's name was Shing; he always exaggerated and was so melodramatic about the entire game. Maybe that's why he was so popular with the people who hung around behind the grocery store, because he made their spirits run high and gave them something to think about in our dull little hometown.

"I will!" A girl forced her way through the crowd and stood up to the DIY beydish the grocer's son set out every morning (simply a basket with a cloth tied over it.) She already had her beyblade attached to a dark launcher, and she grinned at me, "Ready to lose?"

"As if," I snorted. The assorted crowd, girls and guys, from toddlers to late teens, seem to take in a single collected breath as Shing raised his hand.

"Bladers, are you ready?" he yelled out. I didn't really hear what the people were saying; my mind seemed to have locked into battle-mode already. Good. "Okay, you know the drill. The first person to either knock out or stop their opponents 'blade spinning wins!"

"Okay, right, we know the usual boring stuff Shing, stop trying to stoke the crowd and get the match started!" I snapped exasperatedly at Shing, who grinned sheepishly and took on a more professional stance.

"Ready?" Shing checked again automatically, and even though the crowd let out a surprisingly loud cheer, I still noticed the absence of my friends, "Three!"

"Two!" The people chorused as one.

"One!"

"Let it rip!!"

It was over too quickly for all the trouble it took Shing to actually start the match.

"Think you'll win Lee?" she taunted me from her side of the dish. I chose to ignore the attempt to get me angry and simply focused on my black 'blade that was gradually picking up speed as I watched, spinning circles around the girl's, though she appeared not to notice. A possible rookie then. May as well end it quickly.

"Now."

While my opponent had been trying to distract me, it meant she wasn't watching her beyblade, which was simply circling the dish lazily. All I really needed to do was slowly begin to tail her around the dish and hit her with a lightning strike. The typical hunter's attack; examine, the stalk, then the strike. Just like a lion leaping on its prey.

The girl didn't seem to have noticed this though. The only thing she noticed was the fact her beyblade had shot straight out of the dish nearly as quickly as it had entered, and proceeded to throw a wailing fit before disappearing back into the crowd like a drop of water melting once again into a puddle on the ground. I simply accepted the cheers and the thumps on the back as if I had won the World Championships, and grinned around at Shing, vaguely looking around the crowd as I did.

Then I spotted her.

She stuck out like a sore thumb just from the clothes she wore; I didn't know what half of the clothes were, let alone what they were made of. She held herself oddly, obviously trying to stand up straight and proud, yet her eyes were fixed on the floor. Her hair was an unusual colour as well, a reddish-brown colour that hung around a pale face, and by the way it styled coupled with the fact she was staring at the floor meant I couldn't see her eyes. She wasn't particularly pretty, and even though she looked so odd, the people around her didn't seem to even glance her way.

Then she looked straight up at me and, though she looked shocked, she grinned.

The first thing I noticed was her eyes. Weird eyes, cold blue flecked with white and grey. Icy blue eyes, an absolute impossibility in a village filled with people who's eyes were light or dark amber or a dark violet. She moved forward a little through the crowd, the people simply parting as if to let her pass, but not realising it.

She was close enough for me to reach out and touch, close enough for me to see the dark circles under her eyes and the unnervingly pale quality of her skin compared to those around her. She grinned again, more broadly this time, and she seemed to say something, though I couldn't hear anything she said.

I blinked. She had gone.

"Lee? You alright?"

I shook myself out of my daze, and noticed that Shing was staring at me as if I had gone mad. I flicked my eyes back over to the place where the girl had stood, and back to the nervous boy.

"Yeah. Just tired. I think I'll be going."

The crowd still surrounding us groaned and protested loudly as I forced my way back out and walked away again down the dirt road, kicking up the red dust absently as I went and listening to the half-hearted cheers as another people came up to the dish. My mind was buzzing with questions again; who was that girl? Why was she here? Why couldn't anyone seem to see her except me?

I'm going mad.

I changed direction rapidly and headed for my cousin's house; screw her sudden obsession with being girly, this couldn't wait. After a few minutes, I took a sharp turn and climbed the steps of their front porch.

"Hello Lee," my aunt greeted happily, sitting in the sun as she lay her book down in her lap politely, "Mariah's upstairs with –"

"Madison." I finished exasperatedly, all my hopes that Madison may have gone home crashing around my pointy ears. "I know." I stepped inside the open house and bounded up the stairs as fast as I could, my aunt muttering something about how kids couldn't stay still anymore. I could hear Mariah and Madison laughing in her room, twittering again about the various guys in the village. Oh GOD, someone pass me a bucket.

Then I heard my name.

I came to an abrupt halt about halfway up the wooden stairs, crouched down and clinging by my fingertips. Why would they be talking about me?

"What about Lee?" I heard Madison ask, sounding confused. She snorted, "Ma-RIAH! He's your cousin! That is just so –"

"Not me!!" Mariah yelled indignantly, "I'm talking about someone he has a crush on!"

All the colour drained from my face. Please, no.

"Who?" Madison asked, sounding interested. I scuttled a little bit further up the stairs so I could just peek around the banister, the door to her room hanging open. Mariah was lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling, and Madison was sat cross-legged on the floor, though craning her neck around to see my cousin. Please don't Mariah …

"Well …" Mariah flipped over to lie on her front, leaning her head on her hands and grinning at the green-haired girl, "A couple of months ago…"

Mariah, don't you DARE.

"He said he had a crush on you."

Silence. I mentally screamed every single obscene word I knew in a long detailed stream, nearly loosing my grip on the stairs in a fit of temper. Why does this stuff always happen to me?!

"Really?"

Once again I froze. That wasn't a 'REALLY?! MY LIFE IS ENDING!!!' really. That was a 'Reallllly?' really. And 'Reallllly' reallys are very very bad.

"Yeah." Mariah didn't seem too disturbed by this development, "He told me and Ray." I hated the high-pitched voice she was putting on, the giggling. She had never been like this before.

Madison, however, looked thoughtful. Being Kevin's cousin, and therefore of the Ki family blood that could NOT be a good thing.

"Did he really say that?"

A new thought appeared in my mind when she said that, a truly disturbing thought, and I swore so loudly that Mariah and Madison jumped up, looking scandalised.

"Who's there!?"

Letting go of the top step, I spun around and shot down the stairs three at a time, muttering 'shit shit shit shit shit shit shit' at each stride, and running out of the door as fast as I could. My aunt gave me a quizzical look as I shot past, though that was hardly top priority on my mind as I sprinted as fast as I could across the street and into my own house, slamming the door behind me. I could hear my cousin question her mother loudly outside, but though I couldn't hear her, she seemed to be denying anyone coming out of the house. Obviously since I hadn't been spying on her and Madison while they were getting changed or something, I was being spared from Mariah's wrath. Thank whoever-is-up-there for saving me from that.

The house was silent; obviously my parents and grandfather had gone out somewhere, as normal. There was probably a note lying around somewhere waiting for me to find it, if I could've been bothered to look for it. But all I did was walk slowly up the stairs, across the landing and into my own room, sitting down on the bed that creaked underneath me. My life had once again seemed to take a turn for the worse; Madison thought I liked her. This changed a lot of things, including how I could act around the older girl.

"Why does this always happen to me?" I asked into the silence, lying back on the blanket wearily.

I could've sworn I heard someone sigh.

==========

We're back now. After I pretty much attacked the muses at the front of the bus, they stopped zapping to each part of the world and dropped me, Kevin and Gary off here, Kevin complaining how Seigyoku wouldn't let him borrow the magazine. Just as well; his mother would probably kill me for letting him have it anyway.

It's pretty boring around here at the moment. Sure, I have the TV that another authoress gave me for giving her rights to write a few stories (they need to ask us if they have sexual content involving other characters. You can tell Mariah and Ray are swamped) but it's hard to get it working. And the less said about the stories, the better; Lee/Kevin, I ask you. He is at LEAST a head shorter than I am, he'd have to stand on a box just to … shut up brain. Great, I have R-rated thoughts in my head. Thank you Kat, my mind will have to put up with that all night now.

My parents are downstairs, muttering about finding me a girlfriend. It's worrying really …they'll probably start inviting every girl and their parents for meals, their excuse being 'We want to get to know the parents better.' Right. Whatever they say. I need to ask Kevin how to avoid formal meals now, besides making yourself throw up in the rice as he did once.

To this day, I'll never understand how he was able to do that.

Authoress notes: Thank you crappy F F .net for screwing with the system … dammit, when I actually get it working, it changes. I don't deserve this.

Lee: Yes you do.

Ahem. Read and review at your own leisure, I need to write new chapters for things …

-SC- -MyHeartBleeds-