Still PG rated, all disclaimers apply, no copyright infringement intended, feedback welcome, I think that covered everything.
=================================
"Let's begin again, begin the begin" R.E.M. - Begin the Begin
--------------------------
Shana was still sitting on the couch when there was a knock on the door. "It's me Shana." His voice was deep and strong, the voice of the leader that he was.
She debated sitting on the couch but instead got up and answered the door, partially to show she could. "Hello Conrad, come on in." It was a little strange to be using only real names now, after so much time as code names. She knew his real name of course, and he knew hers; they had been close friends once upon a time. "Excuse me if I'm blunt, but why are you here?" She glided gracefully over to her armchair and sat down. Chevy went over to sniff the stranger curiously. "Go on, have a seat if you want one, don't just stand in the doorway." She didn't bother turning her head to speak to him. She heard the door click closed, then the locks reassembled, the soft rustle of footsteps on carpet and the quiet groan of the couch as he sat down. "And before we go further, was that you in the park?"
A pensive silence, finally he admitted it, "Yes. How did you know?"
"I'm not stupid Conrad." Her voice was harsh. This is why she couldn't stand her old friends anymore. Why they assumed her brain cells had left along with her eyes was beyond her. Her family did the same occasionally, but not nearly as frequently. They knew by now she was capable of a lot. "So, let's get down to business, what do you need?"
"Please Shana, I didn't want to come here and fight with you."
"Good, because I really don't have the patience for it anymore. What do you want?" This was such a contrast to the person she was before, but now she didn't have the luxuries that she did back then. Sometimes she hated what she had become; other times she looked back with disdain to her Pollyanna attitude.
"I wanted to see you," he stumbled a little, afraid of offending her with his words, "Talk to you. I've missed you Shana."
She sighed with annoyance, "You can say the word 'see', and any variation on it. I use them." Her tone softened a little, "I've missed you too. I've missed everyone."
"I heard you were living up here on your own and I knew that today is hard for you." She nodded, not even trying to deny it. She was a little surprised he remembered the day. It obviously wasn't as big a deal to others as it was to her. "It's hard for me too."
She cocked her head to the side, indicating her confusion, "Why is that?"
"Because I know it is my fault that this happened. I should have been able to protect you." His words were simple and his voice was low and full of emotion.
"It's not your fault Conrad." Now she felt bad, she had been so caught up in her own pain, she hadn't realized the guilt that some of her friends felt for the incident.
"I feel responsible. You were under my command, and I was the one..." his voice caught and then steadied, "the one who found you. If I had gotten there earlier..." trailing off, she could hear his voice change as he looked away from her. "I'm so sorry Shana, for everything you had to go through." She nodded, taking slow breaths. She really had come a long way in therapy, but this was still very hard. He noticed her careful posture and breathing, "Has it gotten easier?" His voice was gentle and soft, like a comforting blanket.
She nodded again, her voice cracking at first, and then stabilizing, "Today is really hard for me. But I don't have as many panic attacks anymore."
"Do you want me to leave? I am so sorry about scaring you in the park. I chickened out and hoped you didn't notice," his guilt burden was only getting heavier with the conversation.
"No, stay." She drew her legs up underneath her, getting comfortable. "It's actually kind of nice to have someone talk to who was there. Or close enough to being there." She had never actually spoken at once all of what had happened, given the doctors the relevant information, the psychiatrists the same, and leaving out what she could get away with. End result being that no one but her had the full story, and somehow she felt safer that way. She edged away from the topic though for a while and treaded to safer waters, "How is everyone else?"
"They're all great. Jaye and Flint got engaged. Rumor has it that Beach Head and Cover Girl are an item, which I find amusing. Falcon's still hanging in there." He hesitated before adding the next part, "And Snake Eyes misses you."
She winced a little. She regretted leaving things as she did with him, but he had to face it, mute man, blind woman, there's a huge problem there. "Tell him I'm sorry again."
"I will. Though he'd probably like to hear it from you."
"Maybe. I don't know if anyone really wants to see me anymore." She sighed then stood up, "I'm sorry, I'm being a terrible hostess, do you want something to eat or drink?" He hesitated, and she felt the anger rising a little; he wasn't sure if she was capable of getting him anything. "Yes or no Conrad, I'm getting something to drink too, it's no trouble."
He sounded a little astonished at her abrasiveness, managing to say, "Sure. Whatever you are having is fine."
She gave a sigh of annoyance and got up, feeling his eyes watch her as she confidently walked through the apartment. She was careful though, because the last thing she wanted to do was to make a misstep and run into something or otherwise show weakness. She stopped at the liquor cupboard, removing her whiskey and a bottle of Scotch; she remembered that Conrad preferred Scotch. He drank it neat, though she was tempted to put ice in it, to show she could. She poured herself a glass of whiskey, turning to reach into the fridge and grab a bag of grapes, rinsing them off then putting them in a bowl. Carrying the bowl in the crook of her arm, she took her glass in her left, Conrad's in her right, heading back to the living room.
She knew Conrad had watched the whole process intently, but to his credit, he didn't offer to help or fuss over her. She set his glass on the coffee table near him, setting the bowl of grapes down too and relaxed back into her chair. She sipped her whiskey gently, deciding that Conrad's arrival was enough to merit mixing of meds with alcohol. She wouldn't drink too much and if she did, she could skip the sleeping pills.
"Thanks." He had a note of amazement in his voice at the way she navigated the apartment. She heard him sip his Scotch, then set it back down.
"You can ask me questions Conrad. I get more annoyed by you not asking them."
"I don't want to offend you or upset you..." his voice held a sheepish aspect, feeling stupid and embarrassed for being curious.
Her jaw tightened for a moment, then she relaxed and explained patiently, "As soon as we can get past your curiosity of me, we can start just dealing with each other like people."
"Alright. Physically then, you are feeling better?" She nodded and then there was a pause, "Do they hurt?"
Her lips turned up slightly in a smile, debating on whether to shock him, "No. They're different, but they don't hurt. Once you adjust to them, it's just like they were always there." She reached up and gently popped her left eye out, holding it up so Conrad could see it.
"Shit Shana!" He had definitely been taken by surprise. Then his voice sounded awed, "They really do look just like your old eyes. There's so much detail! How does it stay in?"
She carefully replaced the eye back into the socket, blinking rapidly to recoat it with tears. "Well, it's molded to fit the socket and wants to stay in there. These aren't purely cosmetic; without something to hold up the orbital socket, it can kind of collapse, plus your eyelids will stop working. They were handmade and the ocularist was given a lot of photos of me before so she could make exact copies."
"I never even would have thought of all that. When you are just sitting there, it really seems like you are looking at me and none of this ever happened." There was a touch of wistfulness in his voice.
She took another sip of whiskey, "Yeah, I've had some people give me a hard time actually because of Chevy. They think it's a prank or scam. I have paperwork I carry that certifies that he's able to go wherever I go." a devilish smirk came to her face, "but sometimes I'll just pop out an eye. That usually convinces them that I am actually blind." She laughed and she was pleased to hear that Conrad joined in with her.
"You are doing well by yourself." Again, the awed tone was heard.
"It took a long time. But I'm doing ok. I've been in this place for 5 months now. It's actually easier here because no one else lives here that can move things. I can memorize all the layouts of rooms that I want, but if my brother pulls out a chair and forgets to put it back, it's still a collision." she flipped her hair back away from her face. "Any other questions?"
"Do you have a cane?"
"Yeah, though I don't use it very much. More awkward I guess. I am supposed to take it even when I'm out with Chevalier, but I don't bother. It lets drivers and people know you are blind, but Chevy would never let anything hurt me."
Conrad chuckled, looking at the large dog, "No, I bet he wouldn't. It's starting to get late. I guess I probably should go, I don't want to bother you."
"You're not bothering me Conrad. This has actually been great to keep my mind off of things." She checked her watch, the voice speaking the time in its monotone, "But if you have a date or something or have to get back to base..." she trailed off, giving him the easy out.
"No no, no dates. I've actually got the week off." He hesitated,finally just asking her, "Would you like to maybe get some dinner with me?"
She paused, unsure. "I'd like to. But. I get panic attacks sometimes. Especially around this time..." She trailed off, color coming to her cheeks.
"Maybe I could get takeout and we could catch up?" His tone was understanding and hopeful.
"Takeout sounds great." Relief washed through her, "I know a great italian place nearby." As she got up to get her jacket, she realized how nice it was to have Conrad around and how much she had missed talking with him. It made this anniversary so far easier than it had ever been. It could just be time, but it felt good to reconnect with her old life a little.
=================================
"Let's begin again, begin the begin" R.E.M. - Begin the Begin
--------------------------
Shana was still sitting on the couch when there was a knock on the door. "It's me Shana." His voice was deep and strong, the voice of the leader that he was.
She debated sitting on the couch but instead got up and answered the door, partially to show she could. "Hello Conrad, come on in." It was a little strange to be using only real names now, after so much time as code names. She knew his real name of course, and he knew hers; they had been close friends once upon a time. "Excuse me if I'm blunt, but why are you here?" She glided gracefully over to her armchair and sat down. Chevy went over to sniff the stranger curiously. "Go on, have a seat if you want one, don't just stand in the doorway." She didn't bother turning her head to speak to him. She heard the door click closed, then the locks reassembled, the soft rustle of footsteps on carpet and the quiet groan of the couch as he sat down. "And before we go further, was that you in the park?"
A pensive silence, finally he admitted it, "Yes. How did you know?"
"I'm not stupid Conrad." Her voice was harsh. This is why she couldn't stand her old friends anymore. Why they assumed her brain cells had left along with her eyes was beyond her. Her family did the same occasionally, but not nearly as frequently. They knew by now she was capable of a lot. "So, let's get down to business, what do you need?"
"Please Shana, I didn't want to come here and fight with you."
"Good, because I really don't have the patience for it anymore. What do you want?" This was such a contrast to the person she was before, but now she didn't have the luxuries that she did back then. Sometimes she hated what she had become; other times she looked back with disdain to her Pollyanna attitude.
"I wanted to see you," he stumbled a little, afraid of offending her with his words, "Talk to you. I've missed you Shana."
She sighed with annoyance, "You can say the word 'see', and any variation on it. I use them." Her tone softened a little, "I've missed you too. I've missed everyone."
"I heard you were living up here on your own and I knew that today is hard for you." She nodded, not even trying to deny it. She was a little surprised he remembered the day. It obviously wasn't as big a deal to others as it was to her. "It's hard for me too."
She cocked her head to the side, indicating her confusion, "Why is that?"
"Because I know it is my fault that this happened. I should have been able to protect you." His words were simple and his voice was low and full of emotion.
"It's not your fault Conrad." Now she felt bad, she had been so caught up in her own pain, she hadn't realized the guilt that some of her friends felt for the incident.
"I feel responsible. You were under my command, and I was the one..." his voice caught and then steadied, "the one who found you. If I had gotten there earlier..." trailing off, she could hear his voice change as he looked away from her. "I'm so sorry Shana, for everything you had to go through." She nodded, taking slow breaths. She really had come a long way in therapy, but this was still very hard. He noticed her careful posture and breathing, "Has it gotten easier?" His voice was gentle and soft, like a comforting blanket.
She nodded again, her voice cracking at first, and then stabilizing, "Today is really hard for me. But I don't have as many panic attacks anymore."
"Do you want me to leave? I am so sorry about scaring you in the park. I chickened out and hoped you didn't notice," his guilt burden was only getting heavier with the conversation.
"No, stay." She drew her legs up underneath her, getting comfortable. "It's actually kind of nice to have someone talk to who was there. Or close enough to being there." She had never actually spoken at once all of what had happened, given the doctors the relevant information, the psychiatrists the same, and leaving out what she could get away with. End result being that no one but her had the full story, and somehow she felt safer that way. She edged away from the topic though for a while and treaded to safer waters, "How is everyone else?"
"They're all great. Jaye and Flint got engaged. Rumor has it that Beach Head and Cover Girl are an item, which I find amusing. Falcon's still hanging in there." He hesitated before adding the next part, "And Snake Eyes misses you."
She winced a little. She regretted leaving things as she did with him, but he had to face it, mute man, blind woman, there's a huge problem there. "Tell him I'm sorry again."
"I will. Though he'd probably like to hear it from you."
"Maybe. I don't know if anyone really wants to see me anymore." She sighed then stood up, "I'm sorry, I'm being a terrible hostess, do you want something to eat or drink?" He hesitated, and she felt the anger rising a little; he wasn't sure if she was capable of getting him anything. "Yes or no Conrad, I'm getting something to drink too, it's no trouble."
He sounded a little astonished at her abrasiveness, managing to say, "Sure. Whatever you are having is fine."
She gave a sigh of annoyance and got up, feeling his eyes watch her as she confidently walked through the apartment. She was careful though, because the last thing she wanted to do was to make a misstep and run into something or otherwise show weakness. She stopped at the liquor cupboard, removing her whiskey and a bottle of Scotch; she remembered that Conrad preferred Scotch. He drank it neat, though she was tempted to put ice in it, to show she could. She poured herself a glass of whiskey, turning to reach into the fridge and grab a bag of grapes, rinsing them off then putting them in a bowl. Carrying the bowl in the crook of her arm, she took her glass in her left, Conrad's in her right, heading back to the living room.
She knew Conrad had watched the whole process intently, but to his credit, he didn't offer to help or fuss over her. She set his glass on the coffee table near him, setting the bowl of grapes down too and relaxed back into her chair. She sipped her whiskey gently, deciding that Conrad's arrival was enough to merit mixing of meds with alcohol. She wouldn't drink too much and if she did, she could skip the sleeping pills.
"Thanks." He had a note of amazement in his voice at the way she navigated the apartment. She heard him sip his Scotch, then set it back down.
"You can ask me questions Conrad. I get more annoyed by you not asking them."
"I don't want to offend you or upset you..." his voice held a sheepish aspect, feeling stupid and embarrassed for being curious.
Her jaw tightened for a moment, then she relaxed and explained patiently, "As soon as we can get past your curiosity of me, we can start just dealing with each other like people."
"Alright. Physically then, you are feeling better?" She nodded and then there was a pause, "Do they hurt?"
Her lips turned up slightly in a smile, debating on whether to shock him, "No. They're different, but they don't hurt. Once you adjust to them, it's just like they were always there." She reached up and gently popped her left eye out, holding it up so Conrad could see it.
"Shit Shana!" He had definitely been taken by surprise. Then his voice sounded awed, "They really do look just like your old eyes. There's so much detail! How does it stay in?"
She carefully replaced the eye back into the socket, blinking rapidly to recoat it with tears. "Well, it's molded to fit the socket and wants to stay in there. These aren't purely cosmetic; without something to hold up the orbital socket, it can kind of collapse, plus your eyelids will stop working. They were handmade and the ocularist was given a lot of photos of me before so she could make exact copies."
"I never even would have thought of all that. When you are just sitting there, it really seems like you are looking at me and none of this ever happened." There was a touch of wistfulness in his voice.
She took another sip of whiskey, "Yeah, I've had some people give me a hard time actually because of Chevy. They think it's a prank or scam. I have paperwork I carry that certifies that he's able to go wherever I go." a devilish smirk came to her face, "but sometimes I'll just pop out an eye. That usually convinces them that I am actually blind." She laughed and she was pleased to hear that Conrad joined in with her.
"You are doing well by yourself." Again, the awed tone was heard.
"It took a long time. But I'm doing ok. I've been in this place for 5 months now. It's actually easier here because no one else lives here that can move things. I can memorize all the layouts of rooms that I want, but if my brother pulls out a chair and forgets to put it back, it's still a collision." she flipped her hair back away from her face. "Any other questions?"
"Do you have a cane?"
"Yeah, though I don't use it very much. More awkward I guess. I am supposed to take it even when I'm out with Chevalier, but I don't bother. It lets drivers and people know you are blind, but Chevy would never let anything hurt me."
Conrad chuckled, looking at the large dog, "No, I bet he wouldn't. It's starting to get late. I guess I probably should go, I don't want to bother you."
"You're not bothering me Conrad. This has actually been great to keep my mind off of things." She checked her watch, the voice speaking the time in its monotone, "But if you have a date or something or have to get back to base..." she trailed off, giving him the easy out.
"No no, no dates. I've actually got the week off." He hesitated,finally just asking her, "Would you like to maybe get some dinner with me?"
She paused, unsure. "I'd like to. But. I get panic attacks sometimes. Especially around this time..." She trailed off, color coming to her cheeks.
"Maybe I could get takeout and we could catch up?" His tone was understanding and hopeful.
"Takeout sounds great." Relief washed through her, "I know a great italian place nearby." As she got up to get her jacket, she realized how nice it was to have Conrad around and how much she had missed talking with him. It made this anniversary so far easier than it had ever been. It could just be time, but it felt good to reconnect with her old life a little.