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"We don't even have pictures, just memories to hold" Toad the Wet Sproket, "Walk on the Ocean"
Shana waited by the door for Conrad, feeling fairly secure that she would be able to leave a little easier than she had before. Suddenly a strong hand clamped onto her arm and her instincts kicked in. She quickly swung around her arm to free herself, while simultaneously crouching and doing a leg sweep. She heard a thud as the other person fell, then the adrenaline started to fade and she realized what she did.
"Conrad?" Her voice was embarrassed and nervous; he hadn't said anything since she downed him, she hoped she hadn't really hurt him.
"I'm ok. I'm going to get up slowly, if that's alright?" His voice was full of confusion.
She nodded unhappily, "I'm sorry. You just scared me. Just so you know, never grab a blind person's arm," she tried offering an excuse, but she knew she overreacted. Damn it, it was just this day, her emotions were all over the place.
"No harm done," she could hear him slowly moving a little closer to her and his voice dropped lower, "I'm sorry Shana. I should have realized that would scare you. I didn't warn you at all." He paused for a moment, then his voice was quizzical, "Why shouldn't I take your arm? I thought if we were leaving Chevy here, I could lead you."
"Ok. Here, it's easier to demonstrate. Close your eyes. I'm going to take your arm." She suddenly smiled a little, breaking the tension from earlier, "It'll be the blind leading the blind." She took his arm firmly, "Are your eyes closed?"
He nodded then realized she wouldn't see the motion and spoke, "Yes ma'am," he grinned a little.
"Alright. I'll lead you then. Just go where I go." She gave a jerk as they started and Conrad stumbled a little, she walked for a few steps then changed her pace, then stopped suddenly. "You can open your eyes, how did you feel about me leading you?"
"I was damn nervous," he admitted, "And every time you stopped or started or changed speeds, I lost my balance a bit."
Her face bloomed into a smile, "You feel out of control. If the person holding onto you were to fall, you'd go with them. Now, take my arm and let me lead you around again." She repeated the circuit around the apartment, complete with the changes of pace and sudden stops. "A lot better, isn't it."
"Yeah, it is. I could control my own pace and if there was a problem, I could let go easily," his voice held dawning understanding. "I never would have thought of that. I'm sorry."
"It's ok. I never would have either before this. Plus, on this day of all days, I would appreciate warning before you touch me. I am a tad jumpy and my mind prefers to protect first, sort out the rest later." Her voice held an apologetic tone. "Ok. Now that we've covered that, want to get some takeout?"
He sounded surprised, "You still want to go?"
She smiled reassuringly, "Yeah. That's what most people didn't realize when I was in my mega-bitch phase, just because I get mad or say or do something, doesn't mean that I'm actually pissed off at you or anything." She went to the corner of the room, retrieving her long cane and moving towards the door and felt around the air until she found Conrad's large bicep. She shivered just slightly, even through his coat, she could feel the strength of his arms. She had a flashback suddenly of him finding her after...after it all and him carrying her to safety. It made her feel safe to be going out when he would be there too. "Let's go."
He led her out, letting her stop to lock the door and then continuing on the walk. Even though she held his arm, she was largely leading the way, since she knew where they were going. He broke the silence that had been building since they left the apartment, "You still doing ok?" He had noticed her grip had gotten tighter and her posture overall was tense.
She nodded, "Just hard to relax sometimes. So anything you've been doing lately that you can tell me about?" She was trying to get the conversation on normal topics, hoping it would take her mind off her nervousness.
"Nothing too exciting. I really wish there was more to tell you. I mean, it's been years since we've really spoken. I'm sorry about that." He sounded ashamed about it, "You were going through such a tough time and the whole team pretty much abandoned you."
She shook her head, "Don't say that. Seriously, the phone works both ways and I really didn't make it easy on you all." Color rose to her cheeks when she admitted that. "I'm sorry about that. I know you took more than you deserved from me," her voice dropped a bit.
He laid a hand over hers for a moment, "Please, don't dwell on it. Though, I could have done without the huge scar you gave me. It really screwed up my part." He chuckled, watching her reaction.
She stopped suddenly, a look of horror on her face, "I didn't think I hit you that badly!"
"You've got damn good aim for a blind woman."
"Oh my God, Conrad! I am so sorry, why didn't you tell -" she stopped speaking, distracted by his laughter at her distress. A look of disbelief and then a huge grin dawned on her face, "You bastard. You're lying, aren't you? Way to take advantage of the blind chick!" She laughed and then motioned with her hand, "Lean down, let me check. I know I did hit you. Sorry about that."
He chuckled as he bent down and let her feel the top of his head, watching the amused stares of the other people on the street as she did so. "It's alright. Don't think about it. This was enough payback." He grinned, enjoying the feel of her fingers trailing down his face, feeling the emotion there before they returned to his arm.
"Well hell. Ok. You're going to have to help me now. You gave me such a scare I totally lost my place." She tapped the edge of the building with her cane. "I know we are fairly close. Do you see a sign for Telly's?"
"Indeed I do. It's about 500 feet ahead." He was quietly amazed by her ability to get around the city on her own.
They walked the rest of the way in silence, entering the small restaurant and a young woman greeted them, "Shana, glad to see you back. Who's this?"
Shana grinned, she could tell from the tone of voice that Maria was trying to determine if Shana was on a date, or if Conrad was up for grabs, "This is an old friend of mine from work."
"Pleased to meet you ma'am" Shana felt the reverberations through Duke's body as he shook the other woman's hand.
"Call me Maria," her voice lowered and Shana resisted a giggle as she heard her say more quietly, "Call me anytime you want, handsome."
She felt Conrad's body tense at the attention from Maria and decided to have pity on him, "We're just getting some take out."
The disappointment was clear in Maria's voice, "Alright, what can I get you?"
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They sat on the floor of Shana's apartment after having stuffed themselves on the good Italian food, as well as a bottle of wine Shana had brought out. Dinner had passed in a comfortable silence as they concentrated on the food, but with that done, she got up, pulled out a bottle of whiskey and sat down next to him, her words still without slur. "We'll have the good whiskey. I can't mix my Xanax with alcohol. I started with alcohol, so I need enough to get me through tonight."
Conrad's voice was concerned, "Do you take it regularly? Is it ok to be using alcohol instead?"
She waved her hand dismissively, "It should get me through the night and as long as I don't use both at once, I'll still wake up. I don't take it every night, just on nights like tonight. But actually, it's been better today with you here," she leaned against him, drinking the whiskey down.
He slowly slipped an arm around her in response, voice low, "I'm glad I could help Shana." He paused, "What did end up happening with you and Snakes?"
She shrugged, "There were problems before this happened and we just couldn't survive it. He thought what I went through was not much more devastating than what he went through, so he expected me to react like he did. It is different and I can react however I want. He didn't have to take over two years learning how to live independently. He's still got a job and his life."
"You still have a life Shana, it's different than it used to be, but that doesn't make it any less of a life."
"I know. I'm not really intending on committing suicide any time soon. We couldn't communicate in private easily, I was having a hard enough time learning Braille, I wasn't up to also learning to recognize ASL by touch."
His voice was apologetic, "I'm sorry if this was a bad topic to bring up, I didn't realize all that was going on."
She shook her head, "Don't worry about it. It's in the past. That's just the way things go sometimes. He could have done things to make it happen, but it wasn't important to do them."
"You should talk to him. Hell, I know despite everything that happened, everyone would love to see you again."
A very slight smile came to her lips, realizing he used the word "see" and wasn't self-conscious about it. "Maybe. Thanks for asking. It's good to be reminded that I can maybe rebuild the bridges I've burned. I miss Allie sometimes," she admitted honestly.
"She misses you too. Courtney is a poor replacement for you," he gave her a gentle squeeze. "And no one is as good as you at fixing things when Dash and Allie go at it."
She bowed her head a little, thinking of all the days past, how important it was then, and now she just survived; nothing special, nothing glamorous. She could still see pictures in her mind's eye, and now all the happy memories of the past came rushing back, when she first joined the team, the honor of being the first woman ever in a position like that, hazing the new guys, nights spent in the common room, drinking beers and bullshitting. She missed being one of the guys.
"You ok?" Conrad touched her chin lightly to tip her head back up and she nodded hurriedly. "I was afraid you had passed out on me or something." He paused, "Do you close your eyes when you sleep?"
Her brow furrowed, "Honestly, I'm not sure," she smirked, "I'm usually asleep when it happens." They laughed with each other and she had to stifle a yawn suddenly.
"I'm sorry Shana," he stood up fairly abruptly. "I've stayed too late. I should go."
She sighed, disappointed somehow that the night would be ending, "I'll call you a cab."
"I drove, don't worry about it."
"Conrad!" Her voice was sharp, "You've been drinking, you can't drive. Do you have to be back to base tonight?"
"Nah, and I'm ok..." he trailed off, realizing that even if he felt ok, it wasn't something he should be doing.
"The couch is damn comfy, I've slept there many times. Crash here, you can go back tomorrow, ok? I would be worried sick if you were out driving."
He hesitated then gave a sigh, "Alright. But I don't want to overstay my welcome."
"You aren't. Trust me. Make yourself comfortable. Honestly, it will be nice to have someone around tonight." She could feel the fear on the edges of her senses and the reassurance he brought her was too hard to turn away once it was here. "Bathroom is around that way, let me get you a pillow and a blanket. Anything else you need?"
"I can't think of anything. Thanks Shana. I should have laid off the alcohol."
"Don't give it a second thought. It was all my idea. I just am not used to people driving around anymore." She got him the things for sleeping and gave a wave and retreated to her room. The whiskey she had drunk was really starting to catch up with her and she looked forward to the unconsciousness that it promised.
"We don't even have pictures, just memories to hold" Toad the Wet Sproket, "Walk on the Ocean"
Shana waited by the door for Conrad, feeling fairly secure that she would be able to leave a little easier than she had before. Suddenly a strong hand clamped onto her arm and her instincts kicked in. She quickly swung around her arm to free herself, while simultaneously crouching and doing a leg sweep. She heard a thud as the other person fell, then the adrenaline started to fade and she realized what she did.
"Conrad?" Her voice was embarrassed and nervous; he hadn't said anything since she downed him, she hoped she hadn't really hurt him.
"I'm ok. I'm going to get up slowly, if that's alright?" His voice was full of confusion.
She nodded unhappily, "I'm sorry. You just scared me. Just so you know, never grab a blind person's arm," she tried offering an excuse, but she knew she overreacted. Damn it, it was just this day, her emotions were all over the place.
"No harm done," she could hear him slowly moving a little closer to her and his voice dropped lower, "I'm sorry Shana. I should have realized that would scare you. I didn't warn you at all." He paused for a moment, then his voice was quizzical, "Why shouldn't I take your arm? I thought if we were leaving Chevy here, I could lead you."
"Ok. Here, it's easier to demonstrate. Close your eyes. I'm going to take your arm." She suddenly smiled a little, breaking the tension from earlier, "It'll be the blind leading the blind." She took his arm firmly, "Are your eyes closed?"
He nodded then realized she wouldn't see the motion and spoke, "Yes ma'am," he grinned a little.
"Alright. I'll lead you then. Just go where I go." She gave a jerk as they started and Conrad stumbled a little, she walked for a few steps then changed her pace, then stopped suddenly. "You can open your eyes, how did you feel about me leading you?"
"I was damn nervous," he admitted, "And every time you stopped or started or changed speeds, I lost my balance a bit."
Her face bloomed into a smile, "You feel out of control. If the person holding onto you were to fall, you'd go with them. Now, take my arm and let me lead you around again." She repeated the circuit around the apartment, complete with the changes of pace and sudden stops. "A lot better, isn't it."
"Yeah, it is. I could control my own pace and if there was a problem, I could let go easily," his voice held dawning understanding. "I never would have thought of that. I'm sorry."
"It's ok. I never would have either before this. Plus, on this day of all days, I would appreciate warning before you touch me. I am a tad jumpy and my mind prefers to protect first, sort out the rest later." Her voice held an apologetic tone. "Ok. Now that we've covered that, want to get some takeout?"
He sounded surprised, "You still want to go?"
She smiled reassuringly, "Yeah. That's what most people didn't realize when I was in my mega-bitch phase, just because I get mad or say or do something, doesn't mean that I'm actually pissed off at you or anything." She went to the corner of the room, retrieving her long cane and moving towards the door and felt around the air until she found Conrad's large bicep. She shivered just slightly, even through his coat, she could feel the strength of his arms. She had a flashback suddenly of him finding her after...after it all and him carrying her to safety. It made her feel safe to be going out when he would be there too. "Let's go."
He led her out, letting her stop to lock the door and then continuing on the walk. Even though she held his arm, she was largely leading the way, since she knew where they were going. He broke the silence that had been building since they left the apartment, "You still doing ok?" He had noticed her grip had gotten tighter and her posture overall was tense.
She nodded, "Just hard to relax sometimes. So anything you've been doing lately that you can tell me about?" She was trying to get the conversation on normal topics, hoping it would take her mind off her nervousness.
"Nothing too exciting. I really wish there was more to tell you. I mean, it's been years since we've really spoken. I'm sorry about that." He sounded ashamed about it, "You were going through such a tough time and the whole team pretty much abandoned you."
She shook her head, "Don't say that. Seriously, the phone works both ways and I really didn't make it easy on you all." Color rose to her cheeks when she admitted that. "I'm sorry about that. I know you took more than you deserved from me," her voice dropped a bit.
He laid a hand over hers for a moment, "Please, don't dwell on it. Though, I could have done without the huge scar you gave me. It really screwed up my part." He chuckled, watching her reaction.
She stopped suddenly, a look of horror on her face, "I didn't think I hit you that badly!"
"You've got damn good aim for a blind woman."
"Oh my God, Conrad! I am so sorry, why didn't you tell -" she stopped speaking, distracted by his laughter at her distress. A look of disbelief and then a huge grin dawned on her face, "You bastard. You're lying, aren't you? Way to take advantage of the blind chick!" She laughed and then motioned with her hand, "Lean down, let me check. I know I did hit you. Sorry about that."
He chuckled as he bent down and let her feel the top of his head, watching the amused stares of the other people on the street as she did so. "It's alright. Don't think about it. This was enough payback." He grinned, enjoying the feel of her fingers trailing down his face, feeling the emotion there before they returned to his arm.
"Well hell. Ok. You're going to have to help me now. You gave me such a scare I totally lost my place." She tapped the edge of the building with her cane. "I know we are fairly close. Do you see a sign for Telly's?"
"Indeed I do. It's about 500 feet ahead." He was quietly amazed by her ability to get around the city on her own.
They walked the rest of the way in silence, entering the small restaurant and a young woman greeted them, "Shana, glad to see you back. Who's this?"
Shana grinned, she could tell from the tone of voice that Maria was trying to determine if Shana was on a date, or if Conrad was up for grabs, "This is an old friend of mine from work."
"Pleased to meet you ma'am" Shana felt the reverberations through Duke's body as he shook the other woman's hand.
"Call me Maria," her voice lowered and Shana resisted a giggle as she heard her say more quietly, "Call me anytime you want, handsome."
She felt Conrad's body tense at the attention from Maria and decided to have pity on him, "We're just getting some take out."
The disappointment was clear in Maria's voice, "Alright, what can I get you?"
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
They sat on the floor of Shana's apartment after having stuffed themselves on the good Italian food, as well as a bottle of wine Shana had brought out. Dinner had passed in a comfortable silence as they concentrated on the food, but with that done, she got up, pulled out a bottle of whiskey and sat down next to him, her words still without slur. "We'll have the good whiskey. I can't mix my Xanax with alcohol. I started with alcohol, so I need enough to get me through tonight."
Conrad's voice was concerned, "Do you take it regularly? Is it ok to be using alcohol instead?"
She waved her hand dismissively, "It should get me through the night and as long as I don't use both at once, I'll still wake up. I don't take it every night, just on nights like tonight. But actually, it's been better today with you here," she leaned against him, drinking the whiskey down.
He slowly slipped an arm around her in response, voice low, "I'm glad I could help Shana." He paused, "What did end up happening with you and Snakes?"
She shrugged, "There were problems before this happened and we just couldn't survive it. He thought what I went through was not much more devastating than what he went through, so he expected me to react like he did. It is different and I can react however I want. He didn't have to take over two years learning how to live independently. He's still got a job and his life."
"You still have a life Shana, it's different than it used to be, but that doesn't make it any less of a life."
"I know. I'm not really intending on committing suicide any time soon. We couldn't communicate in private easily, I was having a hard enough time learning Braille, I wasn't up to also learning to recognize ASL by touch."
His voice was apologetic, "I'm sorry if this was a bad topic to bring up, I didn't realize all that was going on."
She shook her head, "Don't worry about it. It's in the past. That's just the way things go sometimes. He could have done things to make it happen, but it wasn't important to do them."
"You should talk to him. Hell, I know despite everything that happened, everyone would love to see you again."
A very slight smile came to her lips, realizing he used the word "see" and wasn't self-conscious about it. "Maybe. Thanks for asking. It's good to be reminded that I can maybe rebuild the bridges I've burned. I miss Allie sometimes," she admitted honestly.
"She misses you too. Courtney is a poor replacement for you," he gave her a gentle squeeze. "And no one is as good as you at fixing things when Dash and Allie go at it."
She bowed her head a little, thinking of all the days past, how important it was then, and now she just survived; nothing special, nothing glamorous. She could still see pictures in her mind's eye, and now all the happy memories of the past came rushing back, when she first joined the team, the honor of being the first woman ever in a position like that, hazing the new guys, nights spent in the common room, drinking beers and bullshitting. She missed being one of the guys.
"You ok?" Conrad touched her chin lightly to tip her head back up and she nodded hurriedly. "I was afraid you had passed out on me or something." He paused, "Do you close your eyes when you sleep?"
Her brow furrowed, "Honestly, I'm not sure," she smirked, "I'm usually asleep when it happens." They laughed with each other and she had to stifle a yawn suddenly.
"I'm sorry Shana," he stood up fairly abruptly. "I've stayed too late. I should go."
She sighed, disappointed somehow that the night would be ending, "I'll call you a cab."
"I drove, don't worry about it."
"Conrad!" Her voice was sharp, "You've been drinking, you can't drive. Do you have to be back to base tonight?"
"Nah, and I'm ok..." he trailed off, realizing that even if he felt ok, it wasn't something he should be doing.
"The couch is damn comfy, I've slept there many times. Crash here, you can go back tomorrow, ok? I would be worried sick if you were out driving."
He hesitated then gave a sigh, "Alright. But I don't want to overstay my welcome."
"You aren't. Trust me. Make yourself comfortable. Honestly, it will be nice to have someone around tonight." She could feel the fear on the edges of her senses and the reassurance he brought her was too hard to turn away once it was here. "Bathroom is around that way, let me get you a pillow and a blanket. Anything else you need?"
"I can't think of anything. Thanks Shana. I should have laid off the alcohol."
"Don't give it a second thought. It was all my idea. I just am not used to people driving around anymore." She got him the things for sleeping and gave a wave and retreated to her room. The whiskey she had drunk was really starting to catch up with her and she looked forward to the unconsciousness that it promised.