Notes:
Many continued thanks to Milareppa for her loverly beta services :) If you like Star Trek, Real Ghostbusters or Stargate, go read her stuff!
This chapter is back down to normal pg-13 rating. The violence is done. And thanks to all the feedback I've gotten so far, it really helps me :)
All the normal copyright disclaimers apply, please keep on reviewing :)
============================================
"I don't know why you're mean to me
When I call on the telephone
And I don't know what you mean to me
But I want to turn you on, turn you up, figure you out, I want to take you on" Strange Currencies - R.E.M.
--------------------------------------------
Shana woke the next morning and was surprised at the lack of panic she felt when she realized she was not alone. The warm strong arms around her seemed to keep some of the fear at bay. She silently moved her hand to touch her clock to check the time; it was nearing seven A.M.
"Sleep better?" Conrad's voice rumbled softly.
"Yes. Thank you," her voice was almost a whisper to join his, the situation more than a little awkward. She was embarrassed by how badly she broke down the night before, reliving it again for him, then sleeping in his arms. She hadn't seen him in years, and she hated to be seen as weak, and here she was, playing the shrinking violet. She was still strong and independent; she didn't need anyone. She quickly stood up, breaking out of his arms. Her hand went nervously to her hair and her voice became harsher and more businesslike, "Really. Thank you. I'm sorry for being such a drama queen last night. Do you want anything to drink before you leave? Coffee?"
There was a moment of silence, as Conrad laid there, "No, I'm sorry." She could hear the springs groan just slightly as he stood up. "I shouldn't have done it. I'm sorry Shana. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable or anything like that." She heard him as he moved to the front room to get his things, she could hear the pity in his voice and it disgusted her.
"It's alright. It was nothing. Really." She couldn't shake the feeling that it was something, but she wasn't going to admit it right now. "Drive safely and all that. If you're ever by here again, be sure and say hello. No stalking at the park please though." She gave him a weak smile, just wanting this over and him out. She could already hear the stories going around base about how pathetic she was and about her nightmares. Her anger rose, but she tried to keep it in check.
"No. No. I won't do that again. Thanks for the hospitality." He felt like he was being rushed out by her and he was convinced he had done something wrong. He cursed himself for going too far by staying next to her the previous night, even though it had been non-sexual, he felt he clearly made her uncomfortable. He grabbed his coat, trying to think of something he could do to smooth things over.
"My pleasure. Have a safe trip back to base." She opened the door for him, part of her hating that she was doing this, but she couldn't stop herself. She couldn't be vulnerable like that again. She shouldn't have allowed it to happen.
"Shana..." He trailed off then sighed. This wasn't the time to address this. He'd just have to come by again. He spoke as he walked out the door, "Do you mind if I called you? I have the week off, and I'd like to see you again. I miss you."
She hesitated, and then nodded, "I guess it's ok. Bye Conrad. I missed you too." The last was much quieter and keeping the quiet tone and speeding up her words, she whispered, "Thanks for helping me last night." They hugged a bit awkwardly and then she closed the door and he was gone.
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
She ran her hands through her hair repeatedly. Her hair was something else she refused to give up. Many of her blind friends had short hair because it was easier to care for without seeing it and they didn't know any differently. Shana though had always had her long red hair and she couldn't let it go, even if it was a lot more difficult.
She turned on a CD to help calm her nerves. Getting past the anniversary, she was feeling better overall, except when it came to Conrad. What the hell had she been doing last night? Now he just felt sorry for her and she couldn't stand pity. She fed Chevy, pacing around anxiously. She knew what she needed to do and put in a call to her therapist, who thankfully was free and told her to head over.
Shana changed clothes quickly, not wanting to wear the clothes from the night before. She braided her hair quickly, put on Chevy's harness and exited her apartment and building, walking over to her therapist's office. The walk was fairly short and uneventful and the receptionist's voice was warm as she greeting both woman and dog. Shana was told she could go right in, so she did. She sat on the couch, setting down Chevy's harness and giving him a command letting him know he was on break.
Cynthia had been Shana's therapist ever since she moved to New York. She specialized in Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and the fallout of a disabling incident. Shana felt fairly close to the other woman and trusted her judgment on things. "Thanks for fitting me in." Shana kicked her feet up on the couch into a fairly traditional psychiatric pose, but was more interested in the fact that it was a comfortable couch.
"I was hoping you would come by today. I left my schedule open for you. How did your anniversary go? Did you get out?" Cynthia's voice was gentle as it probed, heartened by the fact that Shana seemed reasonably at ease today, but knew the ex-soldier well enough to know that she was an expert at masking her feelings when she wanted to.
"Yes and no." Silence greeted her, waiting for her to go on. "I went out, had a panic attack, went home...And an old friend came by."
"Oh really? What kind of friend?"
"His name is Conrad, we served together. We were best friends once upon a time. He's the one who..." she struggled momentarily with the words, "found me."
The faint scritch of pencil on paper could be heard as Cynthia spoke, "What brought about the visit? Did he say?"
"The anniversary. He wanted to make sure I was ok."
"And were you? Does he memorialize the date too?" A pause as she watched Shana nod, "How did the visit go overall?"
"I was mostly ok. We had dinner. He was going to sleep on the couch..." she trailed off, sighing.
Shana noted the change in Cynthia's tone, from trying to draw her out, to an underlying concern suddenly, "And he didn't?" The therapist tried to keep any accusation out of her voice or judgment, knowing the other was more than adept at reading tones.
"We didn't have sex. I'm not that stupid," she chuckled a little. "But, I had a nightmare. I told him about what happened. All of it. And then he just held me all night. But nothing more."
Cynthia couldn't help but be a bit relieved. She felt somewhat protective of Shana and knew how vulnerable the other woman was, especially during that time. She was also proud that Shana kept her wits about her and didn't succumb to her fear and try and forget about it by engaging in cheap sex. "All of it? That's a big step for you, isn't it? How did you feel with him there?"
"Yeah. I don't even know why I did it. But I never realized how hard it was for him, to find me like that. And something about him makes him easy to talk to."
"That's good though. You need to be able to get it out and have more people you can be honest with. How is he dealing with it?"
Shana wrinkled her nose. "This is the part where I didn't do so well." She paused, sighing and then continuing, "In the morning I got cold and practically threw him out."
"Why did you do that?"
"I didn't want to be weak. I didn't want to be pitied. I knew after I told him the story he would."
More pencil scritching from Cynthia, "Did you give him a chance?" Shana shook her head and the therapist continued, "You know this is something you are trying to work on. You can't push all your support system away Shana, you have to let them help you."
"I know. It's just so hard to not get scared when I open up to someone." Her hand dropped down to Chevy's fur and she petted him, the movement giving her reassurance.
"It is scary. You make yourself vulnerable. And you are scared of being vulnerable again. But you have to keep working on trying to do it, you can do it Shana, I know you can. You are afraid as being seen as weak, though I know that most people, if they were asked about you, would say you were one of the strongest people they'd ever met."
A faint blush rose to her cheeks with the praise, "Thank you. Any suggestions on how I can fix this?"
"Maybe write him a letter on base. You two are only friends?" Even though she couldn't see, Shana could feel the weight of Cynthia's eyes on her.
"We are. I used to have a crush on him...Ok. I still do a little." She sounded sheepish at she admitted the truth to her therapist.
"Well, just work on rebuilding your friendship Shana. You need to concentrate on you more than anything else, ok? I'm proud of you for doing so well with your anniversary," Cynthia gave her a big hug, "Now, stop driving off everyone who wants to be your friend, ok? But please don't rush into a sexual relationship to prove anything."
Shana gave a sharp salute, "Yes ma'am!" She grinned and headed back with Chevy towards her apartment.
Many continued thanks to Milareppa for her loverly beta services :) If you like Star Trek, Real Ghostbusters or Stargate, go read her stuff!
This chapter is back down to normal pg-13 rating. The violence is done. And thanks to all the feedback I've gotten so far, it really helps me :)
All the normal copyright disclaimers apply, please keep on reviewing :)
============================================
"I don't know why you're mean to me
When I call on the telephone
And I don't know what you mean to me
But I want to turn you on, turn you up, figure you out, I want to take you on" Strange Currencies - R.E.M.
--------------------------------------------
Shana woke the next morning and was surprised at the lack of panic she felt when she realized she was not alone. The warm strong arms around her seemed to keep some of the fear at bay. She silently moved her hand to touch her clock to check the time; it was nearing seven A.M.
"Sleep better?" Conrad's voice rumbled softly.
"Yes. Thank you," her voice was almost a whisper to join his, the situation more than a little awkward. She was embarrassed by how badly she broke down the night before, reliving it again for him, then sleeping in his arms. She hadn't seen him in years, and she hated to be seen as weak, and here she was, playing the shrinking violet. She was still strong and independent; she didn't need anyone. She quickly stood up, breaking out of his arms. Her hand went nervously to her hair and her voice became harsher and more businesslike, "Really. Thank you. I'm sorry for being such a drama queen last night. Do you want anything to drink before you leave? Coffee?"
There was a moment of silence, as Conrad laid there, "No, I'm sorry." She could hear the springs groan just slightly as he stood up. "I shouldn't have done it. I'm sorry Shana. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable or anything like that." She heard him as he moved to the front room to get his things, she could hear the pity in his voice and it disgusted her.
"It's alright. It was nothing. Really." She couldn't shake the feeling that it was something, but she wasn't going to admit it right now. "Drive safely and all that. If you're ever by here again, be sure and say hello. No stalking at the park please though." She gave him a weak smile, just wanting this over and him out. She could already hear the stories going around base about how pathetic she was and about her nightmares. Her anger rose, but she tried to keep it in check.
"No. No. I won't do that again. Thanks for the hospitality." He felt like he was being rushed out by her and he was convinced he had done something wrong. He cursed himself for going too far by staying next to her the previous night, even though it had been non-sexual, he felt he clearly made her uncomfortable. He grabbed his coat, trying to think of something he could do to smooth things over.
"My pleasure. Have a safe trip back to base." She opened the door for him, part of her hating that she was doing this, but she couldn't stop herself. She couldn't be vulnerable like that again. She shouldn't have allowed it to happen.
"Shana..." He trailed off then sighed. This wasn't the time to address this. He'd just have to come by again. He spoke as he walked out the door, "Do you mind if I called you? I have the week off, and I'd like to see you again. I miss you."
She hesitated, and then nodded, "I guess it's ok. Bye Conrad. I missed you too." The last was much quieter and keeping the quiet tone and speeding up her words, she whispered, "Thanks for helping me last night." They hugged a bit awkwardly and then she closed the door and he was gone.
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
She ran her hands through her hair repeatedly. Her hair was something else she refused to give up. Many of her blind friends had short hair because it was easier to care for without seeing it and they didn't know any differently. Shana though had always had her long red hair and she couldn't let it go, even if it was a lot more difficult.
She turned on a CD to help calm her nerves. Getting past the anniversary, she was feeling better overall, except when it came to Conrad. What the hell had she been doing last night? Now he just felt sorry for her and she couldn't stand pity. She fed Chevy, pacing around anxiously. She knew what she needed to do and put in a call to her therapist, who thankfully was free and told her to head over.
Shana changed clothes quickly, not wanting to wear the clothes from the night before. She braided her hair quickly, put on Chevy's harness and exited her apartment and building, walking over to her therapist's office. The walk was fairly short and uneventful and the receptionist's voice was warm as she greeting both woman and dog. Shana was told she could go right in, so she did. She sat on the couch, setting down Chevy's harness and giving him a command letting him know he was on break.
Cynthia had been Shana's therapist ever since she moved to New York. She specialized in Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and the fallout of a disabling incident. Shana felt fairly close to the other woman and trusted her judgment on things. "Thanks for fitting me in." Shana kicked her feet up on the couch into a fairly traditional psychiatric pose, but was more interested in the fact that it was a comfortable couch.
"I was hoping you would come by today. I left my schedule open for you. How did your anniversary go? Did you get out?" Cynthia's voice was gentle as it probed, heartened by the fact that Shana seemed reasonably at ease today, but knew the ex-soldier well enough to know that she was an expert at masking her feelings when she wanted to.
"Yes and no." Silence greeted her, waiting for her to go on. "I went out, had a panic attack, went home...And an old friend came by."
"Oh really? What kind of friend?"
"His name is Conrad, we served together. We were best friends once upon a time. He's the one who..." she struggled momentarily with the words, "found me."
The faint scritch of pencil on paper could be heard as Cynthia spoke, "What brought about the visit? Did he say?"
"The anniversary. He wanted to make sure I was ok."
"And were you? Does he memorialize the date too?" A pause as she watched Shana nod, "How did the visit go overall?"
"I was mostly ok. We had dinner. He was going to sleep on the couch..." she trailed off, sighing.
Shana noted the change in Cynthia's tone, from trying to draw her out, to an underlying concern suddenly, "And he didn't?" The therapist tried to keep any accusation out of her voice or judgment, knowing the other was more than adept at reading tones.
"We didn't have sex. I'm not that stupid," she chuckled a little. "But, I had a nightmare. I told him about what happened. All of it. And then he just held me all night. But nothing more."
Cynthia couldn't help but be a bit relieved. She felt somewhat protective of Shana and knew how vulnerable the other woman was, especially during that time. She was also proud that Shana kept her wits about her and didn't succumb to her fear and try and forget about it by engaging in cheap sex. "All of it? That's a big step for you, isn't it? How did you feel with him there?"
"Yeah. I don't even know why I did it. But I never realized how hard it was for him, to find me like that. And something about him makes him easy to talk to."
"That's good though. You need to be able to get it out and have more people you can be honest with. How is he dealing with it?"
Shana wrinkled her nose. "This is the part where I didn't do so well." She paused, sighing and then continuing, "In the morning I got cold and practically threw him out."
"Why did you do that?"
"I didn't want to be weak. I didn't want to be pitied. I knew after I told him the story he would."
More pencil scritching from Cynthia, "Did you give him a chance?" Shana shook her head and the therapist continued, "You know this is something you are trying to work on. You can't push all your support system away Shana, you have to let them help you."
"I know. It's just so hard to not get scared when I open up to someone." Her hand dropped down to Chevy's fur and she petted him, the movement giving her reassurance.
"It is scary. You make yourself vulnerable. And you are scared of being vulnerable again. But you have to keep working on trying to do it, you can do it Shana, I know you can. You are afraid as being seen as weak, though I know that most people, if they were asked about you, would say you were one of the strongest people they'd ever met."
A faint blush rose to her cheeks with the praise, "Thank you. Any suggestions on how I can fix this?"
"Maybe write him a letter on base. You two are only friends?" Even though she couldn't see, Shana could feel the weight of Cynthia's eyes on her.
"We are. I used to have a crush on him...Ok. I still do a little." She sounded sheepish at she admitted the truth to her therapist.
"Well, just work on rebuilding your friendship Shana. You need to concentrate on you more than anything else, ok? I'm proud of you for doing so well with your anniversary," Cynthia gave her a big hug, "Now, stop driving off everyone who wants to be your friend, ok? But please don't rush into a sexual relationship to prove anything."
Shana gave a sharp salute, "Yes ma'am!" She grinned and headed back with Chevy towards her apartment.