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"and you leave on your own, and you go home, and you cry, and you want to die" - The Smiths "How Soon Is Now?"
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Shana smiled, full as a tick after Roadblock's impressive feast, "My compliments to the chef. This was just fabulous."
"Thank you thank you Red, I'm so glad you are here to be fed." A round of groans came from the bad rhyming.
She half-listened as everyone spoke and joked. It was weird, she was a part of them and yet she was so separate now. None of them really understood what she had gone through and they were living such different lives now. Not for the first time, she wondered what it would have been like if the whole thing hadn't happened. Would she be married now? That thought hurt more than she wanted to admit. She always imagined that some day she'd settle down and have children, but that was out of the picture now she figured. It was possible, but unlikely. She had a hard enough time dealing with herself, without throwing in a husband and child.
She wondered if perhaps she belonged with Snake Eyes. They were both wounded freaks and no one else would put up with either of them for very long. Maybe he was right, she was just being a baby about all of it. It wasn't that big of a deal. If she could convince herself of the truth of that she'd be a lot better off. She was jostled roughly suddenly.
"Penny for your thoughts?" The rough voice of Shipwreck came to her, she shook her head to communicate that she didn't want to talk about it. "You look great Red. I've missed seeing that ass around here."
She couldn't help but chuckle at the sailor's crude attitude. If he was any other way, he just wouldn't be Shipwreck. "Thanks. I miss seeing it around too." Silence greeted her grin and that quickly faded and she heard the conversations die away as they stared at her. She sighed in frustration and pushed her tray away, grabbing for her cane.
"Guys, she was making a joke. She wasn't pissed." Duke's explanation brought a measure of relief. At least he understood and was getting past it. Everyone else had started talking, but she could tell they were trying to be careful about their speech again and walking on eggshells. Her hand connected with her cane and she took it, standing up.
"Sorry everyone, I'm going to head to my quarters for a rest, it's been a long day." She was soon overwhelmed by a crush of bodies pressing themselves to her, giving her a group hug. After that was done, she felt a light tap on her elbow. She could already tell it was Conrad by the way he touched her and the faint smell of his aftershave or colonge. She allowed him to lead her back to where she was staying.
"You oriented? I'm just down the hall if you need anything." He sounded concerned, but not overly paranoid, same as you would expect him to treat any guest who could get lost in the hallways.
"Yep. Thanks. I appreciate all you are doing for me." She hugged him, his arms tight around her. She could smell the cologne more clearly with her face buried in his neck and she felt like she could stay like that forever.
"It's nothing Shana. I'm just happy to see you again." His lips brushed her cheeks lightly as they pulled away from each other and she entered her quarters, changing into a pair of shorts and a tank and laying down to try and get some sleep.
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Hours later it seemed, Shana was still tossing and turning as she dozed fitfully. She was uneasy in the unfamiliar room with unfamiliar sounds, plus the fear of nightmares in a strange place and embarrassing herself with them. Chevalier was the only thing seeming right to her, his furry body radiating heat. She buried her head into his side for a moment, hugging him and using him like an oversized teddy bear. She then carefully got up, slipping her feet into a pair of shoes and reaching for the door, hearing the jingle of tags as her dog got up and stood at heel next to her. She scratched his ears, "Hey boy, you don't have to come with me if you don't want. You can sleep." A soft whine and a gentle nudge with a wet nose assured her that he did want to go with her wherever it was she was going. She supposed it was just as scary for him here as it was for her.
She made sure that she had her keycard and exited the room. Listening carefully, Shana tried to determine if anyone else was up or what time it was. She hadn't brought her clock with her and had taken off her watch before bed. She supposed she could just get it, but that wasn't as much fun as exploring. Anyway, she was fairly certain the time would only depress her because she wished she could be curled up and off in a pleasant dreamworld. She couldn't hear anyone, likely they were all asleep like she should be.
"You remember how to get to the common room, boy?" She hated how unsure she felt in her surroundings. She wouldn't even have the smells of cooking to guide her. She pondered for a moment then headed in the direction that would take her past Conrad's door. She tried to convince herself it was just because she thought it was the right way to go, but not even the dog was buying it. He was asleep she was sure, but she felt she had to follow through on her childish mission, once begun.
To her surprise, when she neared the door, she heard the sounds of a TV through the wood. She hesitated in front of the door, trying to think of a good reason to knock. She was horrified when she heard Chevy scratching on the door. She yanked on his harness hissing an admonishment to him and already fleeing. She wasn't too far down the hallway though when she heard a door open and a curious voice call out, "Shana? You ok?"
Her shoulders slumped and she whispered angrily to the dog, "You should know to keep your paws to yourself." She turned around, putting a smile onto her face and chuckling uneasily, "Yeah, fine. I was looking for the rec room and got a little turned around. I guess Chevy decided to ask for help, I hope he didn't wake you up." Her voice was sheepish and she feared she was as red as a beet with embarassment.
"Rec room? I can take you there, is there something you need in particular?" His voice was definitely amused and she felt the air move as he walked over to her, and a snuffling as Chevy sniffed him.
She shrugged, "Couldn't sleep, thought TV might help."
Now his voice sounded embarassed, "Uh. That would be a problem." There was a pause as she waited for him to continue. "There was a slight disagreement as to whether the Yankees or the Mets were the superior team..." He trailed off then cleared his throat. "The TV is currently waiting to be replaced."
She laughed, "You weren't involved with the fight were you? I'd figured you for a Cardinals fan."
"No. But I was a bit too forceful in stopping it and put my fist through the screen," he admitted sheepishly, then laughed with her.
"Oh goodness, were you ok?" She tried to muffle the laughter with her hand.
"More or less. Needed a couple of stitches, but people did shape up for a while." Frustration sounded in his voice, "You'd think as an elite military squad they'd be a little more disciplined."
Shana snorted, "You have got to be kidding me. Elite...rejects, there's a fine line." She shook her head.
"Well, anyway, sorry. If you want, you can use my tv." She tried to determine his tone as he spoke.
"I wouldn't want to impose."
"No imposition. Really. I'll even make popcorn. You entertained me, now it's my turn to play host. Ok?" He touched her elbow to offer his arm.
She hesitated, feeling the butterflies take flight in her stomach and hating the feeling, hating even more that she couldn't just walk away. "Ok. For a little while. Thanks." She didn't want to go back to the unfamiliar room. Unfamiliarity was one of the biggest enemies of the blind, and one of the biggest fears. Her life revolved around knowing where things were and being able to anticipate obstacles. Laying in bed and not being absolutely sure about where to go in an emergency was scary. She allowed him to lead her and Chevy into his quarters, then to the couch.
He took her hand gently as they were sitting down, which caused her heart to flutter foolishly for a moment. He guided her hand to different objects as he spoke, "Coffee table, end table, remote, lamp." He squeezed her hand just slightly as he chuckled, "You may not need it for light, but please don't knock it over." They both laughed and she felt a twinge of regret as he released her hand. The cushions shifted as he stood up. "I'll go make some popcorn."
"What time is it by the way?" She retouched everything he guided her to, memorizing what little she knew of the layout of the place. Anything was better than nothing. Once she finished, she took the remote, feeling over the buttons, hoping for some sorts of guides as to which buttons were which.
"About one A.M., why?" He called from the kitchen.
"Just curious." She was in luck, there were two sets of up and down arrows. She was willing to bet one was volume and the other channels. She started flipping through the channels, pausing every once in a while when something caught her ears. Soon, the smell of buttery popcorn filled the air in the small apartment. She could also hear the faint pops as the kernals exploded, almost entirely muffled by the hum of the microwave. A few minutes later the couch shifted again as Conrad sat down next to her. There was a dull thud as the bowl was set down on the cofee table.
"Fresh hot popcorn, eleven o'clock. Need anything to drink?" She shook her head, continuing to channel surf. "What do you want to watch?" His tone was curious.
"Don't know, anything interesting to listen to. I don't suppose you have closed captioning on this tv, do you?"
A pause and then a hesitant question, "Uh. Does it show up in braille on the screen?" He was definitely puzzled.
She laughed, "No! But sometimes they have alternate soundtracks for the blind for movies."
"Really? Very cool. Let's see if we can find one!" She heard him rustling through paper, presumably looking at a guide. "How about 'Catch Me if You Can'?"
Shana grinned and shrugged, "Let's try it." She handed him the remote and decribed to him how to access the proper menus. She wasn't too surprised when nothing new was added. "Unfortunately, although a lot of movies have it for the theaters, they don't bother to do it when it is on TV or DVD." Her tone was frustrated as she continued, "The work was already done, the track already exists, why won't they just let people access it?"
Conrad adeptly broke in to lessen the tension, "Well, you'll just have to go out to a movie with me so I can see what you are talking about then. Do you still want the movie?"
A small smile appeared at his subtle asking for a date, "Sure, and any time you want to see a movie, I'm game."
She settled back, listening to the sounds of the Men in Black saving the earth from aliens, eating popcorn. After a while she yawned, finally getting a bit sleepy. She leaned her head against Conrad's shoulder just so she could finish out the movie before going back to her room. He put his arm around her gently. After a few moments, she murmurred sleepily, "I should get back now."
"You don't have to," he whispered back, "You can just take a little nap like this. I'll be a gentleman."
Shana hesitated, thinking how nice it would be to stay here, warm and comfortable in his arms, but reality reared its head and she thought about also the rumors that would be going around base and worse, Snake Eyes could find out and she wasn't up for another battle with him. Staying also brought up more questions about her relationship with Conrad than she was ready to deal with. "No. I shouldn't. It wouldn't look right." She hoped he could hear the reluctance in her voice and that he wasn't offended or hurt by her rejection.
"Of course. Do you want me to walk you back?" He gently began helping her up.
"Yes, please. Thank you." Her voice was quiet and she moved slowly, reticent to leave even though she knew it was the best idea. They walked with Chevy back to the guest quarters and she opened the door, allowing him to continue in with her.
"Thank you Shana for the lovely evening. I hope you sleep well." In a chivalrous gesture, he took her hand and kissed it. "See you in the morning."
"Goodnight Conrad. Take care. Thank you for everything." She wished that didn't sound so stupid and distant. A part of her wanted to throw her arms around him and tell him she would only sleep well if he was nearby, but the larger part of her didn't want to admit that she needed anyone. She had worked too hard to throw it all away now. She could make it on her own without him or anyone else. The door closed and she retired to the bed, inviting Chevalier up, snuggling next to him; a poor substitute, but hopefully enough to make it through the night without nightmares.
"and you leave on your own, and you go home, and you cry, and you want to die" - The Smiths "How Soon Is Now?"
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Shana smiled, full as a tick after Roadblock's impressive feast, "My compliments to the chef. This was just fabulous."
"Thank you thank you Red, I'm so glad you are here to be fed." A round of groans came from the bad rhyming.
She half-listened as everyone spoke and joked. It was weird, she was a part of them and yet she was so separate now. None of them really understood what she had gone through and they were living such different lives now. Not for the first time, she wondered what it would have been like if the whole thing hadn't happened. Would she be married now? That thought hurt more than she wanted to admit. She always imagined that some day she'd settle down and have children, but that was out of the picture now she figured. It was possible, but unlikely. She had a hard enough time dealing with herself, without throwing in a husband and child.
She wondered if perhaps she belonged with Snake Eyes. They were both wounded freaks and no one else would put up with either of them for very long. Maybe he was right, she was just being a baby about all of it. It wasn't that big of a deal. If she could convince herself of the truth of that she'd be a lot better off. She was jostled roughly suddenly.
"Penny for your thoughts?" The rough voice of Shipwreck came to her, she shook her head to communicate that she didn't want to talk about it. "You look great Red. I've missed seeing that ass around here."
She couldn't help but chuckle at the sailor's crude attitude. If he was any other way, he just wouldn't be Shipwreck. "Thanks. I miss seeing it around too." Silence greeted her grin and that quickly faded and she heard the conversations die away as they stared at her. She sighed in frustration and pushed her tray away, grabbing for her cane.
"Guys, she was making a joke. She wasn't pissed." Duke's explanation brought a measure of relief. At least he understood and was getting past it. Everyone else had started talking, but she could tell they were trying to be careful about their speech again and walking on eggshells. Her hand connected with her cane and she took it, standing up.
"Sorry everyone, I'm going to head to my quarters for a rest, it's been a long day." She was soon overwhelmed by a crush of bodies pressing themselves to her, giving her a group hug. After that was done, she felt a light tap on her elbow. She could already tell it was Conrad by the way he touched her and the faint smell of his aftershave or colonge. She allowed him to lead her back to where she was staying.
"You oriented? I'm just down the hall if you need anything." He sounded concerned, but not overly paranoid, same as you would expect him to treat any guest who could get lost in the hallways.
"Yep. Thanks. I appreciate all you are doing for me." She hugged him, his arms tight around her. She could smell the cologne more clearly with her face buried in his neck and she felt like she could stay like that forever.
"It's nothing Shana. I'm just happy to see you again." His lips brushed her cheeks lightly as they pulled away from each other and she entered her quarters, changing into a pair of shorts and a tank and laying down to try and get some sleep.
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Hours later it seemed, Shana was still tossing and turning as she dozed fitfully. She was uneasy in the unfamiliar room with unfamiliar sounds, plus the fear of nightmares in a strange place and embarrassing herself with them. Chevalier was the only thing seeming right to her, his furry body radiating heat. She buried her head into his side for a moment, hugging him and using him like an oversized teddy bear. She then carefully got up, slipping her feet into a pair of shoes and reaching for the door, hearing the jingle of tags as her dog got up and stood at heel next to her. She scratched his ears, "Hey boy, you don't have to come with me if you don't want. You can sleep." A soft whine and a gentle nudge with a wet nose assured her that he did want to go with her wherever it was she was going. She supposed it was just as scary for him here as it was for her.
She made sure that she had her keycard and exited the room. Listening carefully, Shana tried to determine if anyone else was up or what time it was. She hadn't brought her clock with her and had taken off her watch before bed. She supposed she could just get it, but that wasn't as much fun as exploring. Anyway, she was fairly certain the time would only depress her because she wished she could be curled up and off in a pleasant dreamworld. She couldn't hear anyone, likely they were all asleep like she should be.
"You remember how to get to the common room, boy?" She hated how unsure she felt in her surroundings. She wouldn't even have the smells of cooking to guide her. She pondered for a moment then headed in the direction that would take her past Conrad's door. She tried to convince herself it was just because she thought it was the right way to go, but not even the dog was buying it. He was asleep she was sure, but she felt she had to follow through on her childish mission, once begun.
To her surprise, when she neared the door, she heard the sounds of a TV through the wood. She hesitated in front of the door, trying to think of a good reason to knock. She was horrified when she heard Chevy scratching on the door. She yanked on his harness hissing an admonishment to him and already fleeing. She wasn't too far down the hallway though when she heard a door open and a curious voice call out, "Shana? You ok?"
Her shoulders slumped and she whispered angrily to the dog, "You should know to keep your paws to yourself." She turned around, putting a smile onto her face and chuckling uneasily, "Yeah, fine. I was looking for the rec room and got a little turned around. I guess Chevy decided to ask for help, I hope he didn't wake you up." Her voice was sheepish and she feared she was as red as a beet with embarassment.
"Rec room? I can take you there, is there something you need in particular?" His voice was definitely amused and she felt the air move as he walked over to her, and a snuffling as Chevy sniffed him.
She shrugged, "Couldn't sleep, thought TV might help."
Now his voice sounded embarassed, "Uh. That would be a problem." There was a pause as she waited for him to continue. "There was a slight disagreement as to whether the Yankees or the Mets were the superior team..." He trailed off then cleared his throat. "The TV is currently waiting to be replaced."
She laughed, "You weren't involved with the fight were you? I'd figured you for a Cardinals fan."
"No. But I was a bit too forceful in stopping it and put my fist through the screen," he admitted sheepishly, then laughed with her.
"Oh goodness, were you ok?" She tried to muffle the laughter with her hand.
"More or less. Needed a couple of stitches, but people did shape up for a while." Frustration sounded in his voice, "You'd think as an elite military squad they'd be a little more disciplined."
Shana snorted, "You have got to be kidding me. Elite...rejects, there's a fine line." She shook her head.
"Well, anyway, sorry. If you want, you can use my tv." She tried to determine his tone as he spoke.
"I wouldn't want to impose."
"No imposition. Really. I'll even make popcorn. You entertained me, now it's my turn to play host. Ok?" He touched her elbow to offer his arm.
She hesitated, feeling the butterflies take flight in her stomach and hating the feeling, hating even more that she couldn't just walk away. "Ok. For a little while. Thanks." She didn't want to go back to the unfamiliar room. Unfamiliarity was one of the biggest enemies of the blind, and one of the biggest fears. Her life revolved around knowing where things were and being able to anticipate obstacles. Laying in bed and not being absolutely sure about where to go in an emergency was scary. She allowed him to lead her and Chevy into his quarters, then to the couch.
He took her hand gently as they were sitting down, which caused her heart to flutter foolishly for a moment. He guided her hand to different objects as he spoke, "Coffee table, end table, remote, lamp." He squeezed her hand just slightly as he chuckled, "You may not need it for light, but please don't knock it over." They both laughed and she felt a twinge of regret as he released her hand. The cushions shifted as he stood up. "I'll go make some popcorn."
"What time is it by the way?" She retouched everything he guided her to, memorizing what little she knew of the layout of the place. Anything was better than nothing. Once she finished, she took the remote, feeling over the buttons, hoping for some sorts of guides as to which buttons were which.
"About one A.M., why?" He called from the kitchen.
"Just curious." She was in luck, there were two sets of up and down arrows. She was willing to bet one was volume and the other channels. She started flipping through the channels, pausing every once in a while when something caught her ears. Soon, the smell of buttery popcorn filled the air in the small apartment. She could also hear the faint pops as the kernals exploded, almost entirely muffled by the hum of the microwave. A few minutes later the couch shifted again as Conrad sat down next to her. There was a dull thud as the bowl was set down on the cofee table.
"Fresh hot popcorn, eleven o'clock. Need anything to drink?" She shook her head, continuing to channel surf. "What do you want to watch?" His tone was curious.
"Don't know, anything interesting to listen to. I don't suppose you have closed captioning on this tv, do you?"
A pause and then a hesitant question, "Uh. Does it show up in braille on the screen?" He was definitely puzzled.
She laughed, "No! But sometimes they have alternate soundtracks for the blind for movies."
"Really? Very cool. Let's see if we can find one!" She heard him rustling through paper, presumably looking at a guide. "How about 'Catch Me if You Can'?"
Shana grinned and shrugged, "Let's try it." She handed him the remote and decribed to him how to access the proper menus. She wasn't too surprised when nothing new was added. "Unfortunately, although a lot of movies have it for the theaters, they don't bother to do it when it is on TV or DVD." Her tone was frustrated as she continued, "The work was already done, the track already exists, why won't they just let people access it?"
Conrad adeptly broke in to lessen the tension, "Well, you'll just have to go out to a movie with me so I can see what you are talking about then. Do you still want the movie?"
A small smile appeared at his subtle asking for a date, "Sure, and any time you want to see a movie, I'm game."
She settled back, listening to the sounds of the Men in Black saving the earth from aliens, eating popcorn. After a while she yawned, finally getting a bit sleepy. She leaned her head against Conrad's shoulder just so she could finish out the movie before going back to her room. He put his arm around her gently. After a few moments, she murmurred sleepily, "I should get back now."
"You don't have to," he whispered back, "You can just take a little nap like this. I'll be a gentleman."
Shana hesitated, thinking how nice it would be to stay here, warm and comfortable in his arms, but reality reared its head and she thought about also the rumors that would be going around base and worse, Snake Eyes could find out and she wasn't up for another battle with him. Staying also brought up more questions about her relationship with Conrad than she was ready to deal with. "No. I shouldn't. It wouldn't look right." She hoped he could hear the reluctance in her voice and that he wasn't offended or hurt by her rejection.
"Of course. Do you want me to walk you back?" He gently began helping her up.
"Yes, please. Thank you." Her voice was quiet and she moved slowly, reticent to leave even though she knew it was the best idea. They walked with Chevy back to the guest quarters and she opened the door, allowing him to continue in with her.
"Thank you Shana for the lovely evening. I hope you sleep well." In a chivalrous gesture, he took her hand and kissed it. "See you in the morning."
"Goodnight Conrad. Take care. Thank you for everything." She wished that didn't sound so stupid and distant. A part of her wanted to throw her arms around him and tell him she would only sleep well if he was nearby, but the larger part of her didn't want to admit that she needed anyone. She had worked too hard to throw it all away now. She could make it on her own without him or anyone else. The door closed and she retired to the bed, inviting Chevalier up, snuggling next to him; a poor substitute, but hopefully enough to make it through the night without nightmares.