"With every one, whisper I love you, I let you sleep." R.E.M. - "At My Most Beautiful"
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The next morning took forever to come. Shana dozed fitfully but never really slept. The fear of the nightmares in a strange place was worse than the dreams themselves. She didn't want to wake up screaming and people breaking into the room trying to figure out what was happening. It was entirely too embarrassing. Climbing out of bed was a chore she didn't want to perform, but morning had finally arrived and she had to put in an appearance at breakfast or they would bother her about it.
A knock came to her ears moments after she had gotten out of bed and she carefully went to the door. "Who is it?"
"It's me Shana." Conrad's voice was a reassuring familiarity in the uncertainty that was being back on base. She opened the door for him, giving him a smile. "Are you ok?" His voice was concerned.
"Yes, why do you ask?" She frowned, wondering what was giving her bad night away.
His hand reached up and cupped her cheek, brushing the skin under her eyes, an intimate action, and yet it seemed so natural to come from him. "Your eyes say that you didn't sleep last night." His voice was quiet as he continued, "Dreams bad?"
She unconsciously leaned into his hand a little, her voice also quiet, "I didn't want to give them the chance to be bad. It's easier this way."
His attention was focused on her intently, she could feel its weight on her, "The easy way isn't always the best. Sometimes it's worth the risk to try the hard way." His hand was still on her face and she could feel the breath on her face as he moved closer to her. She realized she was leaning in as well, ready to kiss him, despite all of her other, logical objections to starting a relationship with him.
Laughter suddenly erupted from the hallway as a group turned a corner into her area, the noise easily reaching them just inside the open door and breaking the spell of the moment. Duke's hand dropped from her face in a guilty manner and they straightened, both deciding silently that ignoring what almost happened was the best policy. Conrad's voice was strained as he spoke finally, "Let's get to breakfast. Don't want to miss out on the good grub."
She nodded, taking Chevy's harness and not his arm to lead her to the mess. She didn't trust herself right now to touch him; it was just too difficult to work out what she was feeling.
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After a large breakfast, they all sat around chatting. Surprisingly, even Snake Eyes stayed around to be semi-sociable, using other teammates to translate for him. Mutt was there and they decided to give their dogs the day off from working. She wasn't sure how well Chevy would do with that, but didn't have a problem with it. She didn't need him as much in here, it was a lot easier to navigate than a busy city.
She let Chevy lead her back to her room after breakfast, then Mutt and Junkyard took him, planning on going to the nearby lake for swimming and fetch. She lay down on the couch to relax for a little while. Not even ten minutes had passed and there was a knock on the door. She assumed it was Duke and was nervous about getting close to him again, so she just called to the door, "Come in."
"Hey girl." It was Jaye actually who had come to see her. "How's it going? Am I disturbing?"
A quick shake of her head was the reply, "Just resting a little."
"Good. You look like you didn't get much sleep last night." She heard Jaye's footsteps move across the floor and sit down in an adjacent chair. "How is it, being back and everything?"
"Strange. But kind of nice. I'm glad Conrad talked me into doing this." She mustered a smile, though the mere mention of his name made her head beat faster and stomach churn.
"Yeah. He's a good guy. He's missed you since you left." There were unanswered questions in Allie's mind, Shana could tell, but she wasn't sure what the answer was either to tell the truth.
Shana laughed uneasily, "I'm sure he's found people to pass the time with. He's never had a problem with that."
Allie shifted in her seat, "Yeah, but he still misses you." Shana felt the heavy weight of Allie's stare and shifted uncomfortably.
"Please don't go there Allie. Please." She had a pleading tone in her voice and Allie thankfully dropped the subject, perhaps realizing that with their time apart, she no longer had the same rights to comment on her friend's personal life.
"So, New York. I bet it keeps you pretty busy there." She was trying to resurrect the conversation after steering it in the bad direction.
Shana appreciated the effort and forced a smile, "More or less. I don't know many people really, but I chat with my friends online."
"Really?" Allie sounded hurt. "Why them and not us?"
Taken off guard, she stammered, "W-Well. I just didn't think I had anything in common with you all anymore."
"So, you have to be missing eyes to have things in common?" Acid edged into Allie's voice.
"No! But think about it. Since I've been here, what have we talked about? Old times. Military shit. That's not my life anymore." Now she was defensive.
Allie's anger gained strength, "Well, you won't tell us what your life is anymore! You just sit there, pretend everything is fine and hide behind your damn dog and Duke!"
"I am not hiding behind Duke! And don't you dare refer to Chevalier like that. You haven't learned anything have you Allie? It's not the same. I'm not the same. I can't just pretend like it never happened or that four years haven't gone by since we were really friends!"
"But you won't tell any of us what happened or how you really are, how are we supposed to know how you've changed if you won't tell us? We're not psychic Shana and we're trying. But you won't throw us a bone. You can trust us, don't you remember that? We would all die for you and God knows we've killed for each other. That doesn't change, no matter how much time has passed." Allie's voice was harsh, and her words cut Shana to the quick for their truth.
Silence reigned as Allie's rant ceased and Shana tried to think of a way to respond to it. Finally, she heard Allie stand up and walk to the door. "I thought it would be different when you came back. When you decide that we're worthy to be your friends again, let me know, mmkay?"
Shana heard the door open and then close again, and she got up, smothering a scream of frustration, punching the door as Allie left, forgetting there was a full length mirror on it. It shattered, cutting her hand and doing nothing for her mood. She cried in pain and anger as she made her way to the bathroom to wash it off and bandage it. She fumbled trying to find everything, bracing her hands on either side of the sink, letting the blood flow freely as she cried.
She was so wrapped in herself that she was startled when a hand touched her arm. She inhaled, smelling Conrad's cologne, but not saying anything yet. He broke the silence awkwardly, "I heard a crash. Do you want me to help?" His fingers slid down her arm to her hands, examining the wound without waiting for a reply.
That sparked her anger again; the assumption that she would need help without asking. The logical part of her mind knew that it had less to do with her being blind than his friend, but logic has little room in angry ranting. She grabbed a towel, wrapping it around her hand as she pushed past him. "Go away. I don't need you." Conrad grabbed her arm, trying to talk to her, so she repeated, trying to sound even stronger but fearing it was weaker. "I don't need you!" She whispered it a few more times as she tried to get away, hoping to convince herself of the truth of it
Stubborn as the man was, he followed her, wrapping his arms around her gently as she repeated the phrase. He whispered in her ear, "We need you though Shana. We need you in our lives." There was a pause. "I -" She could feel his breath in her ear as her own heart pounded. He didn't continue, cutting himself off quickly and just repeating, "We need you Shana."
"I don't know how to do it anymore. I don't know how to be normal anymore, Conrad. I can't remember what it was like."
"There's no such thing as normal. Just...Trust, and friends. All of which you have here." He caressed her hair while holding her. "You're putting too much pressure on yourself to try and be this perfect person, and then when it doesn't happen you feel like a failure. We don't care about perfect, just you; flaws and all." His voice was like the gentle waves of the ocean against the unsteady boat of her mind.
She didn't respond; she didn't know how to. It wasn't as easy as he made it seem; she wasn't sure why, but it just wasn't. "Thank you." She felt a rush of sleepiness come to her mind; somehow he always knew what to say to let her relax. "I think I'm going to try and nap." She knew it seemed fairly distant and cold considering, but that was the way it was and he'd just have to accept that.
He reticently released her and she cursed the fact that she wanted to dive back into the warmth of his arms. "Sleep well." He took her hand for a moment and squeezed it before leaving. She sighed and laid on the bed, wishing that things were different. She didn't actually expect to be able to fall asleep, but she did with thoughts of Conrad still dancing around.
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The next morning took forever to come. Shana dozed fitfully but never really slept. The fear of the nightmares in a strange place was worse than the dreams themselves. She didn't want to wake up screaming and people breaking into the room trying to figure out what was happening. It was entirely too embarrassing. Climbing out of bed was a chore she didn't want to perform, but morning had finally arrived and she had to put in an appearance at breakfast or they would bother her about it.
A knock came to her ears moments after she had gotten out of bed and she carefully went to the door. "Who is it?"
"It's me Shana." Conrad's voice was a reassuring familiarity in the uncertainty that was being back on base. She opened the door for him, giving him a smile. "Are you ok?" His voice was concerned.
"Yes, why do you ask?" She frowned, wondering what was giving her bad night away.
His hand reached up and cupped her cheek, brushing the skin under her eyes, an intimate action, and yet it seemed so natural to come from him. "Your eyes say that you didn't sleep last night." His voice was quiet as he continued, "Dreams bad?"
She unconsciously leaned into his hand a little, her voice also quiet, "I didn't want to give them the chance to be bad. It's easier this way."
His attention was focused on her intently, she could feel its weight on her, "The easy way isn't always the best. Sometimes it's worth the risk to try the hard way." His hand was still on her face and she could feel the breath on her face as he moved closer to her. She realized she was leaning in as well, ready to kiss him, despite all of her other, logical objections to starting a relationship with him.
Laughter suddenly erupted from the hallway as a group turned a corner into her area, the noise easily reaching them just inside the open door and breaking the spell of the moment. Duke's hand dropped from her face in a guilty manner and they straightened, both deciding silently that ignoring what almost happened was the best policy. Conrad's voice was strained as he spoke finally, "Let's get to breakfast. Don't want to miss out on the good grub."
She nodded, taking Chevy's harness and not his arm to lead her to the mess. She didn't trust herself right now to touch him; it was just too difficult to work out what she was feeling.
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After a large breakfast, they all sat around chatting. Surprisingly, even Snake Eyes stayed around to be semi-sociable, using other teammates to translate for him. Mutt was there and they decided to give their dogs the day off from working. She wasn't sure how well Chevy would do with that, but didn't have a problem with it. She didn't need him as much in here, it was a lot easier to navigate than a busy city.
She let Chevy lead her back to her room after breakfast, then Mutt and Junkyard took him, planning on going to the nearby lake for swimming and fetch. She lay down on the couch to relax for a little while. Not even ten minutes had passed and there was a knock on the door. She assumed it was Duke and was nervous about getting close to him again, so she just called to the door, "Come in."
"Hey girl." It was Jaye actually who had come to see her. "How's it going? Am I disturbing?"
A quick shake of her head was the reply, "Just resting a little."
"Good. You look like you didn't get much sleep last night." She heard Jaye's footsteps move across the floor and sit down in an adjacent chair. "How is it, being back and everything?"
"Strange. But kind of nice. I'm glad Conrad talked me into doing this." She mustered a smile, though the mere mention of his name made her head beat faster and stomach churn.
"Yeah. He's a good guy. He's missed you since you left." There were unanswered questions in Allie's mind, Shana could tell, but she wasn't sure what the answer was either to tell the truth.
Shana laughed uneasily, "I'm sure he's found people to pass the time with. He's never had a problem with that."
Allie shifted in her seat, "Yeah, but he still misses you." Shana felt the heavy weight of Allie's stare and shifted uncomfortably.
"Please don't go there Allie. Please." She had a pleading tone in her voice and Allie thankfully dropped the subject, perhaps realizing that with their time apart, she no longer had the same rights to comment on her friend's personal life.
"So, New York. I bet it keeps you pretty busy there." She was trying to resurrect the conversation after steering it in the bad direction.
Shana appreciated the effort and forced a smile, "More or less. I don't know many people really, but I chat with my friends online."
"Really?" Allie sounded hurt. "Why them and not us?"
Taken off guard, she stammered, "W-Well. I just didn't think I had anything in common with you all anymore."
"So, you have to be missing eyes to have things in common?" Acid edged into Allie's voice.
"No! But think about it. Since I've been here, what have we talked about? Old times. Military shit. That's not my life anymore." Now she was defensive.
Allie's anger gained strength, "Well, you won't tell us what your life is anymore! You just sit there, pretend everything is fine and hide behind your damn dog and Duke!"
"I am not hiding behind Duke! And don't you dare refer to Chevalier like that. You haven't learned anything have you Allie? It's not the same. I'm not the same. I can't just pretend like it never happened or that four years haven't gone by since we were really friends!"
"But you won't tell any of us what happened or how you really are, how are we supposed to know how you've changed if you won't tell us? We're not psychic Shana and we're trying. But you won't throw us a bone. You can trust us, don't you remember that? We would all die for you and God knows we've killed for each other. That doesn't change, no matter how much time has passed." Allie's voice was harsh, and her words cut Shana to the quick for their truth.
Silence reigned as Allie's rant ceased and Shana tried to think of a way to respond to it. Finally, she heard Allie stand up and walk to the door. "I thought it would be different when you came back. When you decide that we're worthy to be your friends again, let me know, mmkay?"
Shana heard the door open and then close again, and she got up, smothering a scream of frustration, punching the door as Allie left, forgetting there was a full length mirror on it. It shattered, cutting her hand and doing nothing for her mood. She cried in pain and anger as she made her way to the bathroom to wash it off and bandage it. She fumbled trying to find everything, bracing her hands on either side of the sink, letting the blood flow freely as she cried.
She was so wrapped in herself that she was startled when a hand touched her arm. She inhaled, smelling Conrad's cologne, but not saying anything yet. He broke the silence awkwardly, "I heard a crash. Do you want me to help?" His fingers slid down her arm to her hands, examining the wound without waiting for a reply.
That sparked her anger again; the assumption that she would need help without asking. The logical part of her mind knew that it had less to do with her being blind than his friend, but logic has little room in angry ranting. She grabbed a towel, wrapping it around her hand as she pushed past him. "Go away. I don't need you." Conrad grabbed her arm, trying to talk to her, so she repeated, trying to sound even stronger but fearing it was weaker. "I don't need you!" She whispered it a few more times as she tried to get away, hoping to convince herself of the truth of it
Stubborn as the man was, he followed her, wrapping his arms around her gently as she repeated the phrase. He whispered in her ear, "We need you though Shana. We need you in our lives." There was a pause. "I -" She could feel his breath in her ear as her own heart pounded. He didn't continue, cutting himself off quickly and just repeating, "We need you Shana."
"I don't know how to do it anymore. I don't know how to be normal anymore, Conrad. I can't remember what it was like."
"There's no such thing as normal. Just...Trust, and friends. All of which you have here." He caressed her hair while holding her. "You're putting too much pressure on yourself to try and be this perfect person, and then when it doesn't happen you feel like a failure. We don't care about perfect, just you; flaws and all." His voice was like the gentle waves of the ocean against the unsteady boat of her mind.
She didn't respond; she didn't know how to. It wasn't as easy as he made it seem; she wasn't sure why, but it just wasn't. "Thank you." She felt a rush of sleepiness come to her mind; somehow he always knew what to say to let her relax. "I think I'm going to try and nap." She knew it seemed fairly distant and cold considering, but that was the way it was and he'd just have to accept that.
He reticently released her and she cursed the fact that she wanted to dive back into the warmth of his arms. "Sleep well." He took her hand for a moment and squeezed it before leaving. She sighed and laid on the bed, wishing that things were different. She didn't actually expect to be able to fall asleep, but she did with thoughts of Conrad still dancing around.