Readers--Here is Chapter 11 for ya, ripe for the reading. This is one of my favorite chapters so far, it gets very angst-y. God I love angst, it's so dark and melodramatic. Anyway, Kagome has some major issues in this chapter, just a warning. I am also using American Hi-Fi's song "Save Me", which is one of my personal favorites. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or American Hi-Fi or any of the other bands from whom I'm borrowing lyrics off of. No, so stop calling me!
Chapter 11: Eve of the Ascension
"I've been so low,
Yeah, I've been strung out"
Within three days, Kagome was as good as new. Her demon blood made her heal faster than a normal human, not to mention the above average healing skills possessed by both herself and Kaede. Due to her injury, Rin took the boys home for her while she rested all of Sunday. Their cousin didn't mind in the least, but Kagome had wanted to apologize to her mother, and to give a real goodbye to her brothers. Yet, everything was set. Sayaka, Shippou, and Souta would be coming to the dojo for Kagome's eighteen birthday and her ascension to High Miko.
As much as one can be trained, as much as a person can be prepared, there is a huge difference between seeing it lived and living it yourself. Kagome felt the phrase from the Matrix summed up her fears perfectly. There is a difference between knowing the path, and walking the path. For eighteen years, she had watched her mother be the High Miko, and she was awed and inspired. Now it was her turn, and it would be a heavy burden. Kagome would never live for herself alone again, not that she felt she ever had. She would be living for all the people of her family, and all who depended on the Higurashi Family to help them.
The week after the Nationals victory was hectic for the martial arts team, and the dojo. Kaede was swarmed with new students who wanted to train under her. Of course, she accepted only those who genuinely wanted to learn from her, and not just win. At the high school, no longer were Rin and Sango ostracized to the 'marked' table. Inuyasha and Miroku had openly moved to sit with them, and a few of their old table even came with them. The lines of school society were blending. Kagome watched it with a smile, but never sat with them. After her injures allowed her to go back to school, she preferred to simply observe.
She and Inuyasha had not had time to talk privately that entire week. Though he had been dying to confront her about the information he learned about her father, Kagome had just been avoiding him. It made things easier to bare if she didn't have to look him in the face. Kagome Higurashi had always been a realist. She knew the way the world worked and she was not fool enough to think that fairy tales happened. But it took her long hours of meditation and denial to finally admit to herself that she was attracted to Inuyasha, and even longer to admit that she liked him. Now came the real test, seeing if she was strong enough to stand up to her mother and refuse the mission to kill the Inutoya family.
When the weekend rolled around, the martial arts team found themselves much less sore and a lot more rested than past weekends before the Nationals. Kagome went over to Rin's house Friday afternoon, just after school, bored and lonely. Kaede had classes all afternoon and she still didn't want Kagome training due to her injuries. Kagome hated a silent house, it drove her to thinking too much.
She pulled up in front of Rin's conservative home, pulling off her helmet, and knocking on the door. Both Rin's parents were still working, and would be until late. Rin was at the door in a second. She looked surprised to see Kagome, but flashed a smile.
"What are you doing here? I thought you'd be getting ready to go to Sango's?"
"I'm supposed to be going to Sango's?" Kagome asked. It was the first time she heard about this.
"Yeah, didn't she tell you? We're having the celebration party at her house tonight. You know, belated shindig for our grand victory." Now it made sense.
"Totally slipped my mind," Kagome said with a sheepish grin. "I've been a little out of it this week."
"Yeah, we've all noticed," Rin said with a small frown. "Are you okay, Kagome?"
"I'm fine, just a little nervous about next week." Rin nodded, understanding. Next week was Kagome's birthday, and then the ascension at midnight. She had been lucky enough to be invited to watch the ceremony for Kagome's initiation. Kaede had insisted.
"Then you need a night on the town," Rin said brightly. "Come on, we'll go together."
"If you say so," Kagome said, allowing her cousin to take her by the arm and drag her off. Rin drove her car and Kagome followed on her motorcycle. For some reason, Kagome just had the feeling that it would be a long night.
"Can you picture this?
I'll take you something,
It's better than nothing"
Sango's house was a mansion in Kagome's eyes. It wasn't as big as Inuyasha's house, but it was still quite spacious. Three stories built in the Greek revival style, all white marble and elegant design. Kagome was envious of the graceful air the building gave off, but it fit Sango perfectly.
When Rin and Kagome got inside, they saw that they were late, Miroku and Inuyasha were already inside. Miroku waved them over and Rin collapsed into the seat next to him, between Miroku's hand and Sango. Kagome took a seat on the floor, reclining on her elbows. Inuyasha watched her with veiled amber eyes. She looked tired. Her two-toned eyes were both ringed with dark circles and she hunched a little more than normal. He wouldn't make trouble tonight, at least as long as she didn't start anything.
"I'm glad you decided to come Kagome," Sango said with a smile. "I know you've been resting a lot from your injuries."
"I'm not an invalid," Kagome retorted. "That would be Miroku."
"Hey!" he cried, hugging the crutch he carried to his chest. "Just because I'm more fragile, doesn't mean I'm less than you are, missy!"
"I'm sorry. I forgot how feminine you are," Sango laughed. "I wouldn't have encouraged her."
"So what should we do at our grand celebration," Inuyasha interjected. "We've still got two injured people, and I don't feel like going out tonight."
"Neither do I," Sango said.
"So let's stay in," Rin said, as if stating the obvious. "We could watch something."
"Nothing on," Miroku commented.
"We could eat something," Sango offered. "Kohaku is at a friend's house for the night and Dad promises no disturbances."
"Nothing to eat," Miroku said.
"We could play truth of dare," Kagome said with a smile. "I hear that's all the rage."
"Too gay," Miroku said. Sango smacked him.
"Will you shut up?! You have a comment for everything, don't you?"
"Pretty much," he replied with a grin.
"Let's play truth or dare," Rin said. "At least that doesn't involve too much movement, and absolutely no skill."
"Kagome, you came up with it," Sango said. "You go first." Kagome smiled. She really hadn't thought they'd go along with the idea. Her little brothers played the game with her all the time, so it just popped into her head as a party game. Maybe it wasn't the most mature game ever invented, but like Rin said, it took no skill.
"Oi, dog-boy," Kagome said, looking to Inuyasha. "Truth or dare?"
Inuyasha looked pensive for a moment. "Truth," he said at last. Kagome knew the question she was going to ask.
"Why'd you cop an attitude with me at the tournament?" It had made her curious all week, but she hadn't wanted to confront him about it.
"You never told me that Rei Yue was your father." That was the last thing that Kagome expected. It hit her so hard her breath was taken. Her mouth opened, a thousand excuses on her tongue, but not one sounded logical in her own ears. Her eyes were wide and fearful. So Rin and her grandmother really had told him about her father. She was ashamed and humbled at the same time. Kagome closed her mouth and shook her head. She said the only thing that she had to offer. "I'm sorry." He shrugged and continued the game.
"Miroku, truth or dare?"
"Dare," Miroku said confidently. He looked over at Sango with a smirk. "I like to live dangerously." Sango raised an eyebrow in disbelief. Rin snickered and Kagome flashed a smile. Inuyasha leaned back, smirking confidently.
"Well, Mr. Bond, I dare you to show the girls the picture you have in the back slot of your wallet."
If it was possible, all the color drained from Miroku's face in the space of a heart beat. Her smirk vanished into a look of pure horror as he turned to Inuyasha. "What the hell man!" he yelled in a barely-controlled voice. "That was taken in the strictest of confidence!"
"It's a game Miroku," Inuyasha explained. "If it's too much for you, quit."
"Never!" Miroku said defiantly.
"Then show them and suffer."
By now, all three girls were dying to see this mysterious picture. Miroku looked extremely pained as he reached into his back pocket and fished out the wallet. He was too slow for their taste in taking out the photo, so Rin grabbed the wallet and the girls huddled together on the floor, looking at the picture.
"I'm out!" Sango cried, throwing the wallet down and sitting back down.
"I think I'm scarred for life," Rin said without a tone, simply sitting back down and looking like one who has seen it all.
"I love it!" Kagome laughed. "You're so cute!" Kagome held up the picture. It was of Miroku when he was about eight years old, dressed in a costume. On the back of the pictures it said something about a school play. "You look good in green tights."
"Ha ha," Miroku said, blushing redder than the couch he was sitting on. "I was Peter Pan."
"You were so adorable!" Kagome said, pinching his cheek.
"I knew you would appreciate it Kag," Miroku said, with a rueful smile.
"Of course. It's not everyday I meet someone more pathetic than I am." That drew a hearty laugh from everyone. Miroku sulked, but he would have his revenge.
"Rin, truth or dare!" The smallest girl squeaked in surprise.
"Um, I think I'll take a truth." She seemed confident with that choice. Miroku paused, trying to think up a good truth question. His eyes flickered to Inuyasha, then triumph was in his face. He turned on Rin like a man possessed.
"Is it true that you have a crush on Sesshomaru?!" His voice was half accusation, half question. Rin's pretty brown eyes went wide and she went from very pale to blushing fiercely. Kagome's stomach knit in guilt and the accompanied feelings of self-loathing. She already knew the answer to that inquiry, and obviously so did Inuyasha. He simply rolled his eyes, like he had heard this a million times.
"Well…you see…"
"Yes or no, missy!" Miroku prodded.
"Yes, ok? I have a crush on Sesshomaru!" Rin said a little louder than she obviously intended. After the outburst, she grabbed a pillow from the couch and whacked Miroku. Still blushing, she turned to Sango. "Truth or dare?"
Sango smirked. "Dare." Then Miroku she said, "I like to live dangerously too." Rin looked so smug, even Kagome was shocked. The words came out of her were genius.
"I dare you to kiss Miroku, on the lips, for ten full seconds." Sango paled.
"Surely you aren't serious."
"Do it," was all Rin said. Miroku looked pleased. Inuyasha and Kagome covered their mouths to keep from laughing right in Sango's now-blushing face.
"I hate you Rin," she said as she went over to Miroku. "And if you breath a word of this to anyone, I'll publicly castrate you." Miroku only smiled.
"You know you love me." Sango scowled, but she did the dare. With a silent prayer to the heavens, and Rin timing them on the clock, Sango kissed Miroku.
"Four…Three…Two…One…Done!" Rin announced. Sango held on for a second too long, then launched herself backwards from Miroku. She landed on all fours on the ground, panting like a winded runner, and blushing crimson.
"Just to let you know, I hate you all," she said as the others of the group openly laughed and Miroku looked rather dazed. After situating herself again, and willing herself to stop blushing, the rest of them had stopped their laughter and waited for the rest of the game. "Kagome, truth or dare."
"'fraid I'm not as brave as you are Sango," Kagome said with a smile. "I'll take a truth."
"Why did you come to the city?" Sango asked. The rest of the team looked at her, all of them genuinely curious. It occurred to Kagome that she never did talk much about her past with her friends, and they were so dear as to not pry. Kagome felt her throat tighten a little. Rin looked sympathetic, but didn't interfere.
"It's hard to answer that," Kagome began. "And there are some parts that I can't explain, because I'm not allowed. I'm sure I mentioned that my family is a strong Miko family. My birthday is coming up soon, and when I turn eighteen, I will inherit my mother's position as the matriarch of our family." The group was thoughtful.
"Doesn't that mean you'll, like, be in charge?" Miroku asked.
"Yes," Kagome nodded.
"Cool! You'll get to order people around and stuff."
Kagome smiled sadly and shook her head. "No, it means people will come to me if they need help. I will be asked for advise and aid in all matters concerning the family and people in our circle. I'll be the most powerful of my family and they will all look to me for leadership. It's a great honor, but also a great burden." She paused to collect her thoughts. "I came to the city because my mother asked me to do something for her. It's like a passage of rights I guess. She asked me to fulfill the mission that she no longer had the power to do."
"What mission is that?" Inuyasha asked. Kagome looked up with a cocky smile.
"Only one question per turn, dog-boy. And I'm not at liberty to say what that is."
"So you have to do this mission for your mother to become this High Miko person," Sango stated, but it sounded more like a question.
"No, not really," Kagome confessed. "I could deny it and I would still ascend on my birthday, but it's a tradition…and it's very important to my mother." Kagome hugged her knees to her chest, looking decidedly sad.
"Once it's done, I really have no reason to stay. I'll probably go home after the holidays are over."
The rest of the group fell silent after this declaration. Kagome smiled suddenly, and declared that they should finish the game. The rest of them perked up, but there was a sad air of regret still tangible, hanging in the air around them. As they went another round of truth or dare, they discovered Miroku's secret fear of monkeys and Rin's obsession for historical romance novels. Inuyasha was dared to let the girls braid his hair. Kagome was made to prank call someone on a dare, and she called Hojo to make sure his refrigerator was running. Sango took a truth and admitted to owning a dress. Thus ended their rounds of truth or dare. After that, a new game was suggested.
"Why not play 'I Never'?" Rin asked with a shy smile. "I hear it's all the rage, to coin the phrase."
"Copy cat," Kagome teased, tossing a pillow at her head.
"Actually, that's a good idea Rin," Sango commended, getting to her feet. "I'll go and get some drinks. Help me Kagome?"
"Why do I have to go?" she whined while getting to her feet.
"Because Inuyasha is sitting on them."
"I am not sitting on anyone," Inuyasha retorted. "I'm laying on them."
"Wow, that's so much better," Kagome retorted as she followed Sango into the kitchen. They returned a minute later, each carrying three can's of coke. "We got two for you, dog-bog. We all know how thirsty you can be." He grumbled and grabbed at the offered can. Kagome laughed and handed her other can to Rin. When they were all situated, the game was ready to begin. "You thought of it, you start Rin."
"Hmm," Rin breathed, thinking of a good beginner. "I never…kissed on the first date." It was lame, but it got the game rolling. Miroku and Kagome both drank--a kiss on the cheek was still a kiss after all. "You go Miroku."
"I never…" he trailed off, looking deep in thought. "I never ate food after it hit the floor."
"That's your great answer?" Sango snorted. "It took you three minutes to come up with food from the floor?"
"Did you, or did you not drink from the can?" was Miroku's reply. And indeed, everyone had sipped from the can but himself and Rin.
"My turn," Sango said, trying to stick one to Miroku. She thought a second, then a devious smile lit her face. "I've never had impure thoughts about a girl." Inuyasha and Miroku both blushed a dull red as they sipped from their cans, the girls mocking them for it.
"I get to go now," Inuyasha said with a grunt. "I've never…kissed Miroku." All the girls drank from their cans. Inuyasha paled as he watched them, but he rounded on Kagome. "Even you've kissed the pervert?!"
Kagome shrugged and smiled at Miroku. "Ours is a forbidden love." Rin and Sango snickered. Miroku just looked happily ignorant as to what was happening. "Do I get to go now?" she asked suddenly, and they nodded. Kagome took the predictable question of embarrassment. "I've never had sex." No one drank from their cans. "Ah, so all of us are pure as the freshly fallen snow, eh?" Miroku fidgeted and Sango looked exceedingly smug. Kagome smiled into her drink.
The festivities continued until the can was gone, exposing many horrible childhood memories for all of them. Eventually, they lapsed once more into silence, until idle conversation picked up. It was getting late into the night, and none of them wanted to start a new game since they all had to be leaving soon.
"So Kagome, when is your birthday?" Sango asked.
"The 17th, Wednesday."
"Wow, you've gotta let us take you out!" Miroku declared. Kagome blushed slightly and looked away.
"I'm afraid I'll have to decline," she said in a small voice. "My mother and brothers are coming to the dojo for my birthday and I can't go out."
"We could come to the dojo then," Inuyasha suggested, stretched out on the couch, his legs resting across Miroku and Rin's laps.
"No, that's okay," Kagome said quickly, shaking her head. "It's more of a family thing, you know. Mother doesn't want anyone to be there who's not family."
"We could take you out next weekend then," Sango suggested. "Your mother can't object to that."
"That would be nice," Kagome said with a smile.
"It's settled then."
"Hey, you guys all coming to my Christmas party?" Miroku asked. "Dad's throwing this huge gala at the house on Christmas Eve."
"Wouldn't miss it," Inuyasha said.
"You can count me in," Sango replied.
"Ditto," Rin complied.
"I'm not sure if I'll be here for Christmas, but I probably will be," Kagome said thoughtfully. "If I am, then I'll totally be there." So it was settled. Kagome chose that moment to take her leave, thanking Sango for a great evening and then waving her goodbyes to the group of teenagers who had become so important to her without her even realizing it.
As Kagome walked to her motorcycle, she wondered just how she could go home and forget all that had happened in the last month. It didn't seem possible for a girl to go from being lonely and shy to being as content with her lot as Kagome was. Then the guilt, the horrible guilt, roiled in the pit of her stomach that reminded her just why she had come here in the first place. This was not a mission for herself. She had not come here to find friends and make a happy life. She had come here to kill a family in her mother and father's name. To enact revenge upon those who were guilty by association. Most of all, she was here to kill a boy who had found his way into her life despite her sincerest efforts, and she didn't want him to leave.
"Anything, that you've got to give,
I can't let you go"
There are times in life when time moves very fast, and there are other times in life when time moves very slow. Most of these instances, time moves in the opposite direction then what you want. For Kagome, time between that night with her friends and her upcoming birthday went faster then she thought she could stomach. Passing without a thought, it was the 16th. There was the rumor of snow, but as of yet there had been none. The temperature was still high enough to only allow rain. And all day long on the 16th of December, it poured.
School had been a welcome haven for Kagome. She had spent most of the day doing work or chatting with her friends. Her physics teacher had been absent, so she sat in the back of the classroom with Kouga and they played hangman all period. She was coming to enjoy his company a lot. Kouga had a great sense of humor, and he never minded a joke at his own expense. Kagome admired that. All too soon the period was over and she had to go home and await the arrival of her family.
For the first few hours, she tried to concentrate on her homework. Once that was finished, she called Rin on the phone and vented her anxieties, but even a cousin could only take so much. Rin had to leave to do her own homework and Kagome was left to herself. Never knowing how, Kagome found herself pacing around the kitchen while Kaede sat at the table sipping on some fresh tea.
Finally, her grandmother got fed up and forced her granddaughter into a chair, then a mug of tea into her hand. "Kagome," Kaede said with a kind smile. "You must relax. You're starting to make me worry."
"I'm sorry Grams," Kagome sighed, taking a long gulp of herbal tea. The rising steam calmed her nerves and the taste helped her mind to clear. "I'm just…There's just a lot on my head right now. Half of me is eager for Mother and the boys to get here, but another part of me is just dreading their arrival." Kaede was sympathetic, and that only succeeded in making Kagome's temper rise. She didn't want pity, she just wanted this to be over.
Already she could feel the changes coming over her. She felt the old power flowing in her veins. Her blood was singing for the power that awaited her tomorrow. Kagome had to admit that she was looking forward to it a little, but the majority of her was scared stiff. Her thoughts were interrupted by her family's arrival just after nine.
Souta and Shippou bust through the door, shucking off their wet coats and boots like the husk on an ear of corn. Then they launched themselves on to Kagome with a force that almost sent her to the floor. She laughed as they both began speaking at once, telling her how much she would love the birthday presents that they got for her. Sayaka followed them inside at a slower pace, removing her dripping coat and revealing the fresh pressed white robes she wore beneath. Sayaka smiled at her mother and bowed her head before moving forward to embrace her daughter. Kagome was quick to return her mother's rare show of affection.
"Kagome, you look well," Sayaka said with a smile. She stepped back, but her hands still rested on Kagome's shoulders. "The city agrees with you, I think."
"You look well too Mother," Kagome said politely. "Your wounds healed well I take it?"
"Very well. You are a most gifted healer after all." Kagome smiled and blushed from the praise. After a few more minutes of polite greeting and light conversation, Kagome led her mother to an empty chair and got her a cup of tea. Then, she took Souta and Shippou to their room upstairs. This gave Kaede her much needed chance to talk with her daughter.
"Sayaka, my dear, we must discuss a few things," Kaede began slowly, sipping on her now lukewarm tea.
"Whatever do we have to discuss Mother?" Sayaka asked. She didn't looked surprised, but good etiquette required that she keep up appearances. Kaede was as surprised by her daughter's cool demeanor as anyone. Sayaka had once been so full of life, as Kagome was. The death of a husband can be sobering, but she feared that it had taken far worse a toll on the woman before her.
"What do you want Kagome to do while she is staying with me?" There was no real sense beating around the bush. Kaede wanted it in the open and wanted an answer. Sayaka watched her mother with level brown eyes that gave nothing away.
"I want her to do only what she is willing to do."
"Bullshit," Kaede swore, getting to her feet and spilling her tea in the process. "That is a load of tripe and you know it. You want that girl to murder three innocent people!"
"How dare you," Sayaka hissed, getting to her feet slowly. "You have no right to pass judgment on me or my daughter."
"I have every right!" Kaede declared. "She is my granddaughter and you are my daughter."
"I ask her to do nothing that isn't justified or beyond her abilities. I gave her the decision of whether or not she would do this task for me. She can decide for herself her own course of action!"
"You selfish child," Kaede raged. "Is this how I raised you? Did I teach you to use your daughter in such a disdainful way?" Both women were so deep into their argument, neither noticed Kagome on the stairs, listening intently to the quarrel. "Kagome loves you! She will do anything you as her to do for the soul purpose of her love for you! You are all she has in this world Sayaka, you are everything she looks to." Sayaka turned away from her mother, hugging herself tightly against the frosty words.
"She is drowning Sayaka," Kaede pleaded. "Your daughter is still a child, she is scared and alone and needs you. Protect her. Help her!"
"Kagome is grown," Sayaka whispered, head bowed. "She has to learn how to save herself."
That was when Kaede spotted the small scar on the back of Sayaka's neck. It was a tiny silver mark that she had never seen before. It almost looked like it was glowing in the light of the kitchen, but then Sayaka's head snapped up and the scar was covered beneath her hair. It made Kaede guess if it was only a trick of the light or the result of poor eyesight. "You are her mother. You are dooming your own daughter."
Sayaka was seething as she turned on her mother, the white robes she wore clinging to her slight form. Kaede noticed how wane her daughter was becoming, and just how old she looked for a woman of only thirty-seven. "So be it," was all she said. That was the end of their talk.
Kagome had heard enough to know not to enter the room. So this was what it was all about? All her loneliness, all the years of feeling like she was never good enough, all of it was a test? All the hours she trained herself to exhaustion in the basement training room, all the hours diligently spent practicing her herb lore, all the blood and sweat that went into her hours of field time and all the times she risked her life to make her mother proud, all of it was worth absolutely nothing. It was all because Sayaka Higurashi wanted her to be the perfect miko, just being her daughter was never good enough.
For a few moments, she denied it in her mind. There was no way her mother could be so cold. Her mother loved her, she always had. It couldn't be the truth. But all the old scars began to bleed and all the self-doubt and loathing rose in her throat thick as bile. On her heel, Kagome ran silently back up the stairs to the second floor training rooms. She felt like a caged animal as she stalked into the nearest empty room. There was a radio; she lunged for it. Her fingers flew across the dial until she found a song she liked.
"I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless
Lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure
Of walking in your shoes"
Kagome went to a small shelf that was full of books and scrolls of lore. In a moment of rash action, she pushed it over and scattered the material all over the floor. That wasn't enough. Her anger and hurt rose faster. She grabbed at the material, throwing it all the walls, tearing papers to shreds. She grabbed a staff from the corner of the room and just started beating on the pile of junk until she grew bored with that and tossed the stick aside.
"Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
I've
Become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you"
Kagome went to the radio and turned the volume up even louder so that the song vibrated through the entire room. She was sure that by now she had lost her sanity. And what was more, she didn't care in the least. Instead, she grabbed a small trash can and threw it at the wall, satisfied with the sickening thud that made her sure it just cracked a hole in the wall.
"Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly
Afraid to lose control
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow
Every step that I take is
Another mistake to you
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow
And every second I waste
Is more than I can take"
By this time, everyone in the house heard her. Kaede and Sayaka came rushing from the kitchen and Souta--closely followed by Shippou--came bounding down from the third floor. Kagome just stood amid the mess, angry rock music flowing through her, with tears pouring from her eyes. It was the first time. The first time in ten years that she had dared to let herself cry. The rest of her family stood in the doorway watching her in horror. Kagome stood with her back to them. Suddenly, she turned, her head held high, and she ran past them.
"Kagome," Sayaka called, giving chase. "Kagome what are you doing?"
She didn't even falter a step as she grabbed her keys from the table. Not even pausing for her helmet, Kagome rushed out into the pouring rain with only her duster for protection and leapt on to her motorcycle, jamming the key into the ignition, and accelerated fast enough to jet her out of the dojo parking lot so that her tired kicked up water. Sayaka ran out the door just in time to see her daughter speed off into the night.
"And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me
With someone disappointed in you
I've
Become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you"
Kagome was grateful for the rain because it hid her tears. It was easy to say that the moisture on her face came only from the sky, even though she knew that most of it was falling from her eyes. Like she had known, now that she began to cry, she just couldn't find it in herself to stop. More than anything else, she didn't want to be alone, not right now.
She couldn't go home. She couldn't face them. She couldn't go to Rin. Rin would tell her to go home and work it out, or worse, Rin would pity her. Kagome feared that she would break totally in the face of pity and might end up hurting herself or Rin in the process. No, she couldn't go to Rin. But she couldn't go to Sango or Miroku either. Neither of them would understand what was going on. Although they were friends dear as family to her now, she just couldn't bring herself to go to them for comfort. She preferred to remain the happy, psycho chick in their eyes. It was a façade that she had worked hard to maintain. Kagome needed to think that they saw her as something more than weepy and problematic.
Of all the places running through her mind, of all the people she thought to go see, she never meant to end up there. The tall wrought iron gates stood tall in the dim light, formidable and intimidating. The driveway was lit with small lanterns all the way up to the front door. There was no mistaking the place she had come to. The Inutoya Mansion. It was funny really, that she end up in the one place she should have stayed away from.
The rain pelted her form, suddenly small compared to the grandeur before her. She shivered as the icy cold water trickled passed her collar and down the back of her neck. She turned the ignition of her motorcycle off and dismounted, walking slowly to the voice box.
"What do you want?" the meaningful voice of Myouga, the butler, assaulted her. Kagome flinched, knowing that she shouldn't be here. For a moment, she thought it best to just jump back on her bike and drive off before Inuyasha ever knew that she had come to his house at nearly ten on a school night. But the thoughts of what awaited her spurred Kagome forward.
She reached up and pressed the speaker button. "It's Kagome Isharugi."
"Oh, come in," the butler said as the gate began to open. Kagome got back on her bike and drove through the gate and up to the door. When she parked, she wrapped her duster tightly around herself and walked slowly to the front door. Myouga opened it gracefully for her, but when he looked up, he looked rather shocked.
Kagome was sure she probably looked like a wet rat, hair limp and dripping all over the beautiful tile floor. Her coat and boots were soaking and she was shivering subconsciously. "I'm sorry-" she began.
"Myouga," a light, female voice called. "Who is here at this time of night?" And then Inuyasha'a mother appeared. She was dressed in a gold robe, her long hair left without plait or tie. The light of the chandelier overhead seemed to make the woman glow. Even as plainly adorned as she was, Kagome was awed by her beauty. "Kagome?"
The sound of her name coming from the woman spurred the teenager into action. "I'm so sorry, Mrs. Inutoya," Kagome said lamely. "I know it's late and I know I must look a mess, but I really need to talk to Inuyasha, just for a minute."
"Mother," a voice called from the staircase. Kagome looked up and saw Sesshomaru standing there, leaning casually against the banister. He surveyed the scene in one quick glance. "I'll tell the twerp to make himself presentable." Then he was gone, back into the hallway.
"If you want me to go, then I'll go," Kagome said, pulling her duster tighter around herself subconsciously.
"No," the older woman said firmly. "You must be freezing! Myouga, take her coat and fetch her a towel to dry off." The butler bowed, taking Kagome's dripping coat at an arm's length, he hurried off to do as he was ordered. "Do you need some dry clothes? I could loan you something, I'm sure."
"No, it's really alright," Kagome assured her, even though her own clothes were soaked and weighing her down with icy water.
"Honestly, I will not have you catching your death in my home." Kagome tried to smile, but it came out more like a wince. She bent over and removed her wet boots. "Follow me," Hime instructed. Kagome followed obediently, sorely unhappy at the wet footprints that were left in her wake. Hime assured her that Myouga would clean them up, and she should worry more about herself then water on the floor.
"I really am sorry about coming here so late," Kagome apologized for the sixth time as Hime led her into the master bedroom on the second floor.
"May I ask why you are here?" Hime asked as she went to her closet. Her back was to Kagome, therefore making the girl feel more at ease when speaking. Kagome linked her hands together.
"I just couldn't be in my house right now," Kagome said sadly.
"Did you have a fight with your grandmother?" The question was innocent and asked only out of concern, but it still stung Kagome.
"No, I couldn't face my mother." The sentence was said in a whisper, and Kagome felt the tears well in her eyes again and she could stop a few from spilling over. The sight of her hands blurred as the tears fell. But suddenly, Kagome was caught in a light embrace that made her freeze in shock. Hime had placed her arms around Kagome's shoulders in a comforting gesture that made the girl's throat tighten unbearably.
"We all have moments when we aren't at our best," Hime offered softly. "I'm sure that whatever happened between the two of you will be put to rights."
Kagome couldn't find it in herself to speak, she only turned and hugged the other woman. There was an afterthought about Kagome getting the beautiful Hime as wet as she was, but right now, the need of comfort was far outweighing thoughts of mannerism. Hime rubbed her hand over Kagome's back in a soothing rhythm, quieting the girl's sobs. When Kagome had pulled herself together, she pulled back and smiled.
"I got you wet, I'm sorry." Hime smiled as well.
"Quite alright dear. Now, why don't we get you into some drier clothes?" Kagome nodded and took the offered items that Hime offered. Inuyasha's mother left the room so that Kagome could change. "I'm going back to the living room now. When you are changed, you can go see Inuyasha in his room."
Kagome stopped the door from closing with a hand on the door. "Thank you," was all she could say to express the feeling in her chest. Hime smiled and nodded. Then she disappeared.
"I don't want you to know,
I've been down so low,
Could you save me?"
Kagome stepped out of Hime's room with her wet clothing in her arms. Myouga was waiting in the hallway. He took the clothes, promised to have them dried in a little while, then left her to her own devise. The clothing that was loaned to her fit surprisingly well. It was a simple dress of pale blue that fell to her ankles, with long sleeves and a high neckline. Her bare feet only added to the feeling that she was like some wild maiden in an unknown land, about to meet the monster, or perhaps her prince. She wasn't sure which one the hanyou in the next room would turn out to be.
Her hair was still wet, hanging around her face and down her back in a heavy curtain. Kagome felt exceedingly self-conscious when she knocked on his door. There was an answer 'enter' from the other side and Kagome pushed the door open just enough to look inside. Inuyasha was sitting on his bed, facing the TV on his desk, playing a play station 2 video game and trying very hard to act like he didn't know who it was that just walked through the door. Kagome took one look at his ridged posture and the way he was watching her out of the corner of his eye, and she knew he didn't want her there. It took her all of a moment to realize why.
It was the new moon. Caught in her own little world, Kagome had totally forgotten what night it was, and how freaked out Inuyasha would undoubtedly be because of her. Suddenly, more so then before, Kagome regretted coming here.
"I'm sorry," Kagome blurted. It was not the first, and probably not the last time, she would be saying those words.
Inuyasha finally regarded her and he looked like he was ready to bolt beneath his covers. "It's okay. I just wasn't expecting visitors tonight."
"This was a sort of…unplanned visit," Kagome said lamely. She was still standing against the doorway, but suddenly she pushed herself forward and took a stiff seat beside him on the bed.
"That's my mom's dress," he commented suddenly.
"It's raining," she explained.
"Ah," was his reply. Kagome turned her head slightly to look at him, and he looked back at her. It struck her how one person could look the same as always, even if his features change. His eyes were now a dark brown, so dark they were almost black, but they looked the same to Kagome. They held that same fragile ego that could only be described as Inuyasha. His hair was no longer silver-white, but was now as black as her own, and even longer. His ears, the cuddly little ears that once sat upon his head like two beacons, were round and human on either side of his head. Undoubtedly, his claws and fangs were gone. She knew the drill. But even though he was all human right now, sitting beside her, there was no one else it could be but Inuyasha. Even if he was in a crowd of people, she could pick him out just as soon as breathing. He had become that familiar to her. The planes of his face, the cocky half-smirk, the mischievous spark in his eyes, there was no mistaking it. Kagome wondered if she was as recognizable when she was a hanyou. Probably not.
He coughed and blushed a little. Kagome broke her stare and looked at her hands. She knew his question without him having to ask it. Why was she here? The strangest thing about that question was that she still didn't know the answer.
"Let me ask you something," Kagome said at last.
"What's that?"
"Is there something wrong with me?" The question took him off-guard. He looked at her suspiciously, wondering what she was all about. All he got from her was this fragile air that made him think if he said the wrong thing, she'd break into a million pieces. That scared him worse than anything else. It scared him worse than when Sesshomaru burst into his room and said that Kagome was in the house.
It scared him worse then when she first came in and he could barely breath. Her hair was wet and clinging to her face and neck, her face pale and her eyes wide. She was even wearing his mother's dress, the one she hadn't worn since his father's murder because he had given it to her. In his eyes, never had anything looks as beautiful as Kagome in that one fleeting moment. Now, she was sitting with her back to him, and he could smell the salt in the air. She was crying! Never had he ever seen Kagome cry, even that time in school when he thought she would.
"There is nothing wrong with you," Inuyasha felt himself say. And to him, there wasn't. Kagome was lively, she had spirit and spunk. She could make him laugh one second, make him fume the next, and then finish with making him blush. He'd never met a girl like her before in his life.
"Then why is it that everything I do…it never matters to the one person it should…" Kagome put her hands to her face and then ran them through her damp hair. "That makes no sense."
"Kag, what's wrong?" Inuyasha asked, leaning closer to her.
"It's my birthday tomorrow," Kagome said in a shaky voice, drawing her knees to her chest. "Tomorrow, at midnight, I'll ascend to become the High Miko of my family, and I'll never get to live for myself again. Since I was eight years old, I've been trying to take care of my family. I've been trained and groomed for this life. Now, the day before I'm supposed to get it, I realize how much I don't want it." There was a shaky and ironic laugh that trailed into a half-sob. "I just wanted to make her proud of me."
There was no need for Inuyasha to ask who 'she' was. Her mother. He had an overwhelming urge to try and help her. Inuyasha reached out his hand, gently touching her shoulder. Kagome jerked away violently, lunging to her feet and back a few steps away. She faced him now, hugging herself tightly as tears poured from her eyes.
"I went through hell and back to try and keep my family together after Papa died. I tried so hard, just to keep her with us, to keep from losing both of them. I never got a chance to live my own life. Since I was a little girl, all I've been doing is taking care of them. Now I have to take care of an entire miko line, that is, if I even live through the ascension!"
Now the truth was out, and Inuyasha froze. "What do you mean?"
Kagome swiped at her eyes, angry at herself for showing weakness. "I'm part demon, I'm not a pure miko. There has never been a High Miko with demon blood before. I might not live through the ascension because of it, no one knows. So, all in all, I've never lived a real life, and it may end in twenty-four hours!" As soon as the words left her mouth, Kagome froze. Her hands were halfway between her face and her sides, one tear was making a slow trail from her green eye. She paled, all the blood draining from her face. It was like, just saying those words out loud condemned her to death. She began shivering, and her stomach heaved. She was going to throw up. She was going to die. Kagome wanted to die right then. What was she doing here? Why was she saying this to Inuyasha? What was wrong with her? "There really must be something wrong with me…"
"No Kagome, there is nothing wrong with you," Inuyasha insisted, getting to his feet.
"There has to be," Kagome cried, shaking her head. "There has to be or else…or else she wouldn't hate me."
Inuyasha didn't get to close, but he got closer than he was. He made sure that he caught her eyes, and that she was looking at him. "There is nothing wrong with you, do you hear me? Nothing. I'm sure that your mother knows this, she just can't see it yet." He spoke slow, to make sure she understood it all.
"But why can't she see it?" Kagome whispered.
"Why does anyone see anything? It's all a matter of whether or not she's ready to understand. If she can't see it, then that's her loss. I see you Kagome, and there is nothing wrong with you." She nodded, closing her eyes to block out the sight of him. It was too much for her to take it.
"I'm going to hate myself for this tomorrow," she said at last, looking up at him. Inuyasha only blinked. Kagome closed the gap between herself and him, wrapping her arms around his waist and pressing her face to his shoulder. "I just can't handle this," her muffled voice said to him.
Inuyasha's arms came up around her almost on a natural reflex. He pulled away enough to look down at her. "Why'd you come here anyway?" There is was, the annoying question.
"It's been said that the people who hate you often give you the most honest answers," Kagome said simply. Inuyasha smiled and shook his head.
"I don't hate you."
"I know, but you're the closest thing."
"Hardly," he insisted.
"Really now? I thought you couldn't stand me."
"I can't, but that's because you get under my skin too much for my liking." Kagome smiled brilliantly, her eyes lighting up and the tears drying from her skin. "I've never seen you cry before," he said quieting, running a finger down the track left on her cheek. Kagome shivered slightly. She was not used to much physical contact, but having Inuyasha touch her was enough to gain more than a shiver. She just wouldn't let him know how her heart was pounding and the hair on the back of her neck was standing on end.
"I haven't cried in ten years," she admitted. "Not since Papa's funeral. I promised myself that…I wouldn't be that weak, I guess."
"That's not weak," Inuyasha reassured her. "That's just showing that you care enough about something to cry over."
"I'd cry over you then," she said suddenly, not sure why. That wasn't supposed to come out loud.
"I'd consider myself lucky," he teased. Kagome smiled again and rested her head against him again.
"You're weird."
"Coming from you, that's a compliment."
Kagome was about to retort when Inuyasha lowered his head, his mouth covering her own. Kagome was so shocked that her first thought was to pull away in shock, but the second, and louder of the two reactions, told her to stop standing there like a freak and kiss the boy back. So she closed her eyes and kissed him.
Now, in truth, this wasn't Kagome's first kiss. Miroku had been the first person she had ever kissed on the lips, but Inuyasha was the first person to kiss her. In her mind, she would always remember this as her first kiss. First and best. She leaned into his for support, and he gladly gave it, arms tightening around her trim form.
Maybe he was kissing her because he felt sorry for her. Maybe he was only doing this to salvage an otherwise pointless evening. Maybe he was even hoping to get some from her at a later date. Kagome could live with that. She could because all her life she knew that what you got, you had to work to get. Nothing was given freely, not even a kiss. And she could deal with it because she needed to kiss him more than she ever needed to do anything in her life. She needed to feel the beat of his heart against her own, just a little too fast. She needed the taste of his lips on her own, just a little salty but so exotically enticing. She needed the feel of his arms around her, it made her feel safe and sheltered from a world she couldn't rejoin just yet. It was in that moment that she knew, even though every other moment of every day since he had walked into her life had said the very same thing, that she could never hurt this boy. Not if her life depended on it.
"I'll fight my way, just to hear you say,
If I go up in flames,
Could you save me?"
She stayed there, in that house, in that room, for another hour before Hime came to say that it was midnight and Kagome should really be getting back home. By that time, Kagome had gotten her second kiss. And her third. And a long running list that she had lost count of. Kagome felt just a little drunk as she changed back into her clothes and made to leave. The rain had stopped, so there was no danger of a repeat shower in her future.
As she wished Inuyasha a good night, and kissed him on the cheek, she noticed that his eyes were just a bit dazed and more open than she had ever seen them. It was a nice thing to know that she had just as much power over him as he seemed to have over her.
When she reached the bottom floor, she wished Myouga a good evening and thanked him again for the drying of her clothes, which now held that dryer-fresh scent. Hime hugged her before she left, something that brought the suppressed tears right back to prickle at the back of her eyes. She even wished Sesshomaru a good night, seeing as how he was lurking near the kitchen for a midnight snack. He regarded her for a moment, gave a polite farewell, then disappeared again.
Not even the thought of facing her mother again could bring down Kagome's good mood as she drove back to the dojo. At least if she died the next day, she'd had the pleasure of making out with Inuyasha beforehand. And that was good enough for her. At least until her high began to ebb, and reality flooded back in.
"The more you whisper, the words keep stinging in my ear,
We're never gonna be the same,
Sunshine fading and black sheets raining down on me,
They cover up everything,
Can you save me?"
And here we are, the end of chapter 11. I think this is my favorite chapter yet, that and chapter 6. Well, I'm going to be getting on 12 as soon as possible, wish me luck! Now, Reviewer Responses! *echoes out like a bad theme for an old TV show*
Nightmares-Hell: Thanks for the review! Well, here is the update you were looking for. I'll have 12, which is already edited and ready to go, up in a few days. Thanks for reading and please, come again!
SarahlovesDBZ: This story gets more with the plot, back on track, weee! And yes, I made it kind of fluffy. I'm so proud! *sniffles* Yes, I noticed that the Tournament was dragging and I was getting bored. So I fast forwarded onward and back on to my exciting, super-dooper plot line! Thanks for reading, you are a most welcome fan!
NightStarAngel: Ah, thank you! I'm so happy to have nice, loving and loyal fans like yourself. Yes, I worked hard on the Kagome/Kagura fight scene and I wanted to describe it as best as I could. She only got a perfect in one category, there are three categories that she was graded on. Kagura got a better score in all three than she did. And as for Kaede, she is bound by no obligation for secrecy. She'll tell whoever she feels like telling because she hates the entire mission that Sayaka sent Kagome on. Kaede is really doing only what she feels is the best. Keep it real, peace out!
EternalDemoness: You live! Ah, that's not good. Be warm when you read my lovely fiction. Yes, yarn is pretty but swords are better. They are sharp and shiny and nice. *cuddles a sword* Here is your update, I hope the bow situation works out for you. Stay warm! Peace out…
Moonlight-angel2003:What were you confused about? Just let me know and I'd be more than happy to break it down for you. Lay off the caffeine girl, or I might just have to cut you off. You don't want me to do that, do you? Nope, didn't think so. Thanks for reading, I hope you get out of rehab soon, hehe. Peace out!
pruning shears: Mini Skirt man, you're my hero! Come on, what is more debonair than a guy killing things while proclaiming his love. Can you answer me that? Didn't think so. Ah, Sesshomaru is very feminine, but I still love him. He's like those guards at Buckingham palace--no matter what you do to them, they show no expression! Well, Inuyasha was in the zone so he didn't pick up on that right away. Don't worry, Kouga will be appearing here and there through the story, just because I love him, but he's not going to be an important fixture. This story evolves too much around Kagome and Inuyasha. Yes, here is an update. Next chapter will be out in a few days cuz it's ready to go. Thanks for reading!
Mirokus-grl: Yes, I'm glad you're happy. Happy, happy. Thanks for the review. Here is a chapter for you. Next one is coming. I'll be cruising your stuff when I get a chance. Thank ya! Peace out!
Well, I guess that's it. Thanks for reading. Next chapter is coming soon. P.S. Wanderers has been updated, for all those who have been wondering when I'd get off my ass and do so. It's there. Thanks for reading!
~~Jesse the Wolf Demon~~