I know that it has seriously been like forever since I've updated this and I am so, so, so, so sorry. I didn't even realize how long it had been. I just had a serious case of writers block and considering how long its been since I've updated....you can see how serious.
This was inspired by Human Nature's song – Wishes
Sometimes I wish that I could turn back time
I watch him look at me. A deadened look in his eyes that I had never seen before. A look I know will haunt me for the rest of my life. A look that was never supposed to be on the face of an angel. A look that was caused by me.
I check myself 'cause I was way out of line
I don't know what else to say to him but I'm content to just stand there....staring at him. He moves aside to let me in and I walk in slowly. I look around the room and see the curtains drawn and scotch bottles littering the ground. Every bottle seems to drive its own piece of glass into my heart. I was the one who had caused this, I was the one who had made this beautiful man so unhappy.
I only hope that we can start all over again
I turn around determined to make sure that he knows how I feel about him. How much I've missed him, how much I need him......how much I love him. But when I stare into those eyes all the words just seem to fall away and I realise that words won't be enough to heal all the pain I've caused. Words would never be enough. I would have to show him. So I straighten my shoulders and walk towards him. He stiffens as I get closer and it makes my already shattered heart break a little bit more but I keep going. I need to do this...for me and for him. Especially for him.
I must admit that I was more than wrong
I put my arms around him slowly and lay my head on his shoulder. "I'm sorry," I whisper and hold him tight. He doesn't do anything, just lets me stand there hugging him but it's enough. At least he doesn't push me away. "I didn't mean all the horrible things I had said to you Alec. I was just confused. I wasn't angry at you...I was angry at me." I felt him stiffen at my words and I looked up to see him staring at me skeptically. "I know, you have every right not to believe a word I'm saying but I'm asking you.....I'm begging you. Please just listen to what I have to say before....before you do anything. Please." I look up at him hopefully and he stares down at me for a while and then nods slightly.
I used your heart like a stepping stone
I sigh with relief and then tell him everything that has been on my mind since he went away. "I was angry that Logan had found the cure and I was angry because I knew that I should be happy instead of trying to find a reason not to go. I didn't understand why I was feeling so depressed about finding the cure. It was supposed to be the one thing that I wanted most in the world and yet when I had the chance to get it....it was the one thing in this whole world that I didn't want. Logan had worked so hard to find it and I didn't want to disappoint him. I just...he was supposed to be the man I'm in love with and yet when he told me he had found the scientist the only thing I could think of was you."
Please forgive a fool who doesn't know what to do
I felt him stiffen even more in my arms. I looked at him, my eyes begging him to believe what I was saying. "I didn't think about Logan...I thought about you. Actually I've been thinking about you for a while now and well....", I stopped, I didn't know what else to say. I felt myself blush and looked down. Too scared to look at him. Too scared to see the rejection that might have been forming in his eyes. He cleared his throat and I looked up. He was staring at me expectingly, so I continued. "I've been feeling....things....for you Alec and I didn't really know what they meant or why I was feeling this way. Logan was the one I had always thought I was supposed to be with and I was too scared to let go of him because it would have meant that I had wasted two years of my life. When you came along...I didn't know what I was feeling for you but I liked it. You made me feel so alive. Not like when I was with Logan. He just seemed to drain me. Always going on with his Eyes Only stuff and telling me about how I should be helping the world...and I know that I've been saying that kinda stuff to you too but I only did it because it was the only way that I felt that I could be loyal to Logan. I wasn't feeling the same way about him anymore and I was feeling really guilty about it, so I thought that if I held onto something that he believed in so much it would help relieve the guilt a bit."
What do I do?
I don't know if he believes me. I guess if it were me in his position I wouldn't believe me either. I hold him close to me and when I feel him put his arms around me I sigh in relief and lay my head on his shoulder. 'He's gonna give me another chance,' I think to myself. But then he pushes me away from him...and I can feel the tears start to form in my eyes.
And I wish that I could have just one more chance
I look at him in despair. I look into those beautiful, haunting eyes and I can see that the tears in my own are mirrored in his. I can see all the pain, suffering and anguish that I had caused. I don't know what it is that I need to do but I know that I'll do whatever it takes to make sure that he comes back with me. That he comes back TO me. That he will stay with me.....forever.
And I wish that I could be your pillar of strength
I walk towards him even though he had pushed me away. "Alec," I say softly. "I'm not going anywhere until we work this out ok? I want to make things right. I want us to be....well....I want there to BE an us." I look at him, determined to make him see that I wasn't going anywhere, that I wasn't running away this time. "Can we please work it out?"
And I pray that you will see that what I'm saying is true
I stare at him, willing him with all my heart to believe me, to trust me again like he used to....before I broke that trust. Before I broke him. He doesn't say anything but then moves to sit on the couch. The whole time, not keeping his eyes off me. I move to sit next to him but he flinches and so I sit on the other side of the couch. He seems to relax and then opens his mouth to say something...but nothing comes out.
'Cause I, I wish for you
He closes his mouth again and leans back onto the couch. He didn't seem to want to make a move but that was alright, I thought to myself. It should be me anyway, I was the one who made this happen, I should be the one to fix it. I move closer to him and he stiffens but doesn't pull away. I take that as a good sign and move closer again until I'm right next to him. I reach up and touch his face, the whole time staring straight into his eyes. He doesn't move away as I stroke the side of his face. He just stares right back at me. I lean forward and lightly brush a kiss onto his lips. He doesn't resist, so I deepen it.
In my mind I can see your face
I let her come in. She stares around at my apartment for a while before turning back to me. I don't know what she's staring at, it's a mess, not much to look at really. She stares at me with those eyes, eyes that I had not forgotten. Eyes that I didn't think I would ever forget. She walks over to me and I felt myself stiffen, she falters a bit but then keeps on walking towards me. I thought that I saw a bit of hurt in those eyes but I dismiss it. It must have been a figment of my imagination. She holds me and starts talking. She wants to know if I'll listen to her try and explain. As if I had ever been able to deny her anything. I nod slightly and let her talk to me. She's trying to tell me that she's wanted me more than Logan...ha. As if. As she talks I stare at her, she is so beautiful. Her fire, her soul...everything about her screams out to me. She's unhappy and I don't like it. I pull her into my arms and feel her sigh. I would love to stay there like that but I know that it's not really me she wants. She may say it....but she doesn't mean it. I push her away from me. Not liking how attached to her I've become in the ten minutes that she's come back into my life.
You're on the breath of every word I say
She stares at me, tears starting to creep into her eyes and I realize that I feel like I'm going to cry too. She walks towards me again, asking me to work things out with her and I realize that this is the first time since I've known her that she's not running away. She's actually going to face her problems. It makes me think....it makes me want to stay. So I walk over to the couch and sit down. Never taking my eyes off her. She moves to sit near me but she must've read how uncomfortable I was since she moved away again. I open my mouth to tell her....what, I don't know. There is so much I want to say to her and yet when she is right here in front me I go blank. I close my mouth and lean back. She said she wanted to work things out....so I'll let her. She moves closer to me....and then closer again. I don't know what she's doing but her eyes have gone wide, like she can't believe she's doing it either. She reaches up and touches my face...I hold my breath, not wanting to think, just wanting to feel the way her hand is softly stroking my face. She leans over and brushes a kiss onto my lips, I sit there unable to believe what just happened. This is Max....and she just kissed me. Not Logan...but me, Alec. She leans in again and I lose myself in her. The taste of her, the feel of her...I don't want it to end.
If there's anyone to place a blame on it's me
I pull away from him and smile down at him. I have to make him believe that it's him I want. Not Logan. I move my body so I'm closer to him, so I can hold him tighter and I tell him, "I know that you might not believe me when I say that I love you...and only you. But maybe you can believe this." I kiss him again and I feel his hands come up and hold me to him. I drown myself in him and then pull away again. "I know that this was all my fault Alec but I swear that I'll do anything you want me to, anything, if you just come home with me."
Baby can't you see?
"Max," he says, and I realize that that's the first word he's said since I came in.
"Max," he repeated, "I've always loved you....you know that. You can't deny it. But...."
"No," I say quickly, "No buts, Alec. This is you and me, for the rest of our lives. And I will do anything I can to make it happen."
"Anything?" he whispers.
"Anthing," I reply, staring into his eyes.
"What if I said that the only thing in this world that I want ...the only thing....is for you to leave me alone."
And I wish that I could have just one more chance
I thought that my heart had stopped beating, everything was so quiet. Then it started again, beating....painfully. "You...you want me to..." I stutter, I don't know what to say. I swallow, my mouth was suddenly so dry. "You want me to leave you alone?" I say quietly, looking at him in disbelief. He nods and everything just seems to go black. He doesn't want me, I think. I look at him and then nod, "I'm sorry Alec, for everything," I say. I start to get up as I keep talking to him, "I'm sorry for everything. I wish you would believe me, I hoped you would but I guess I didn't realize how much I hurt you." I look at him one last time, this man that had won over my heart without me even realizing it. I try to commit every bit of him to memory because he was the one thing in this world that I didn't want to forget. "I'm so sorry," I repeat and then walk towards the door. I didn't want the tears to spill out, I bit my lip to try and stop them but they wouldn't listen. I was losing the one thing that mattered most to me in this world, no actually....I had already lost him.
And I wish that I could be your pillar of strength
I wanted so badly to be with him but if it was hurting him to be with me....then I guess that being with him was out of the question. I had already hurt him so much. How could I deny him happiness? He said that this was the one thing that he wanted. That all he wanted was for me to leave him alone and if this is what he wants...then I'll give it to him. If this will make him happy, if this is what it takes to make him smile again then I'll do it. He might not ever smile for me again but knowing that I can make him smile for someone else might just make it worth it. Knowing that he might be happy once more would make all the pain from being away from him worth it. I just wished that he would let me make it up to him. I wish that he would let me make it better.
And I pray that you will see that what I'm saying is true
He was everything to me and he didn't know it because I was too scared to show it and now there is nothing I can do to make it right. I want to make him believe me, I want to yell at him until he gets it into his head but I realized that I had done enough of that. Yelling at him was what had started this whole mess. All I did was yell and him and he didn't deserve any of it. Especially now. Now that he seemed so lost....and alone. Then I realized...that he was alone. He had always been alone. Coming out of Manticore he had nothing and no one. I had known that I was the only one that he had but I ignored it...I was scared. Scared of him because he understood me so well, I had just never thought of how all of it would have made HIM feel. I guess I had never really thought of anything from his point of view. It made me realize that maybe....maybe I just don't deserve him. With that in mind, I turned around one last time to gaze at the man that I knew I would love forever...even if he didn't love me back.
'Cause I, I wish for you
"I love you Alec. I just want you to know that...I'll always love you...don't forget it. Don't forget me," I say as I stare at him for one last time. "Please don't forget me." I turn and I walk away from the only person in this world who could make me happy. The one person I've made so unhappy.
I wish for you
I wish for you
Oh baby I wish ...
I really miss you baby
I think about you baby
I wanna hold you baby (all night long)
I really need you baby
I wanna hold you baby
Stay (won't you stay) with me
Just stay with me
And I wish that I could have just one more chance
And I wish that I could be your pillar of strength
And I pray that you will see that what I'm saying is true
'Cause I, I wish for you
I wish for you
I wish for you
Oh baby I wish
For you
Please Review!!!!