Title: What to do when your jaffa has a grudge
Rating: PG
Summary: Some easy steps on how to stop your jaffa from killing someone...
Spoilers: None!
Author Notes: 3rd in the 'What to do when...' series
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
~ What to do when your jaffa has a grudge ~
By Ruth
Copyright (c) 2003, Ruth
**********
"Uh...Teal'c?"
"Excuse me for a moment, O'Neill." Teal'c excused himself and made his way menacingly towards another jaffa.
"Oh, hell!"
"It's a jaffa revenge thing, Colonel. We should probably just let it run its course."
"Oh, no. There's seven ways we can bring him out of this, remember?"
"But, sir..."
"Step 1. Use physical force to restrain him from killing said jaffa."
Sam, Daniel and Jack ran over to Teal'c and tried to pull him away. Jack had hold of his shoulders, Daniel of his right leg and Sam of his left arm.
With his superior strength, Teal'c managed to drag them through the dust quite successfully.
Coughing up sand, Daniel groaned: "I don't think that worked!"
"Step 2. Remove the offending jaffa in question."
The three of them got up and tried to move the other jaffa out of the way, to prevent him from suffering Teal'c's wrath, but he was highly indignant and shoved the three of them in the nearest bush.
"Godammit! Why can't he keep his grudges separate from work?" Jack muttered, pulling leaves from his hair.
"Time for step 3, sir?" Sam asked.
"Oh yeah. Step 3 - provide an interesting distraction."
Sam and Jack were quiet for a moment, and then they both looked at Daniel.
"Oh, what? Sam, please!"
"Go on, Danny. I'll whisper what ya have to do."
(Whispering)
"WHAT?? I AM NOT DOING THAT!"
"Quit your whining, Danny! Teal'c is gonna kill this guy if we don't do something soon!"
"But..."
"GO ON!"
(Rustling in the bushes)
Teal'c raised his eyebrow at Daniel but said nothing.
"SEE!" Daniel shouted, "I TOLD YOU THIS STUPID IDEA WOULDN'T WORK!"
"Okay, okay, get back in here and put your damned clothes back on!"
(Rustling in the bushes)
"Colonel, why are we doing this from the inside of a bush?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, Major - do you have a better idea?"
"Step 4, Colonel?"
"Step 4 - attempt to sabotage the fight with distractions and violence."
"Ooh, goody! I like this one!"
"I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that, Major."
Sam and Jack jumped out of the bush, whilst Daniel was still putting his clothes back on. Jack ran around Teal'c, waving his hat in his eyes. Sam grabbed a large branch off of a tree and whirled it around, sending sand and dust flying everywhere.
"Tone it down a little, Carter!" Jack choked.
"Sorry, sir!" she said, turning around and knocking Daniel over with the end of the branch.
"Oops. Sorry, Danny!"
"I think it might be time to try step five," Daniel moaned from the ground.
"Colonel?" Sam asked, putting the branch down before she did any more damage with it, and keeping a careful eye on Teal'c, to make sure that he hadn't killed the jaffa yet.
"Step 5 - make it appear as if Daniel is in danger."
"Oh, Jack!" Daniel moaned.
"Go on!" Jack said, "Go over there and pretend to be in danger!"
Daniel grumbled and groaned all the way, but went to the other side of the bush and shrieked:
"Teal'c! Help me! I'm in danger!"
Teal'c paused for a moment, but then turned back to his opponent.
"Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill are currently unoccupied - they will come to your rescue."
"Godammit!" Jack cursed, going behind the bush, "Now we have to go to step 6."
"Which is?" Daniel asked.
"Pretend that I am in danger."
"Hey!" Daniel said, "How come your being in danger is a step worse than my being in danger?"
Jack shrugged. "I'm a Colonel. You're...not."
"Well, what about me?" Sam asked, "I don't even get one." She put her hands on her hips and glared at Jack.
"Daniel," she said, "What do you think - should we make step 6 into 'Putting Jack O'Neill in danger'?"
Daniel grinned. Jack blanched.
"Uh...Carter, you really didn't ought to do tha- AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!"
Still, Teal'c did not move. Jack crawled out from under the bush, groaning.
"Carter, remind me to kick your ass when we get back to the SGC," he groaned, rubbing his head.
"There's still one more step to try, sir," she reminded him.
"Ah yes. Step 7. Pretend that Apophis is in the vicinity."
"HEY TEAL'C!" Daniel yelled, finally getting the Jaffa's attention.
"Apophis is here!" Jack yelled, "He went thataway!"
Teal'c took off in the direction of Jack's outstretched arm. Jack snorted.
"Gets him every time."
THE END
Author's Note: Would you like a part 4? Then you know what you have to do...
Rating: PG
Summary: Some easy steps on how to stop your jaffa from killing someone...
Spoilers: None!
Author Notes: 3rd in the 'What to do when...' series
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
~ What to do when your jaffa has a grudge ~
By Ruth
Copyright (c) 2003, Ruth
**********
"Uh...Teal'c?"
"Excuse me for a moment, O'Neill." Teal'c excused himself and made his way menacingly towards another jaffa.
"Oh, hell!"
"It's a jaffa revenge thing, Colonel. We should probably just let it run its course."
"Oh, no. There's seven ways we can bring him out of this, remember?"
"But, sir..."
"Step 1. Use physical force to restrain him from killing said jaffa."
Sam, Daniel and Jack ran over to Teal'c and tried to pull him away. Jack had hold of his shoulders, Daniel of his right leg and Sam of his left arm.
With his superior strength, Teal'c managed to drag them through the dust quite successfully.
Coughing up sand, Daniel groaned: "I don't think that worked!"
"Step 2. Remove the offending jaffa in question."
The three of them got up and tried to move the other jaffa out of the way, to prevent him from suffering Teal'c's wrath, but he was highly indignant and shoved the three of them in the nearest bush.
"Godammit! Why can't he keep his grudges separate from work?" Jack muttered, pulling leaves from his hair.
"Time for step 3, sir?" Sam asked.
"Oh yeah. Step 3 - provide an interesting distraction."
Sam and Jack were quiet for a moment, and then they both looked at Daniel.
"Oh, what? Sam, please!"
"Go on, Danny. I'll whisper what ya have to do."
(Whispering)
"WHAT?? I AM NOT DOING THAT!"
"Quit your whining, Danny! Teal'c is gonna kill this guy if we don't do something soon!"
"But..."
"GO ON!"
(Rustling in the bushes)
Teal'c raised his eyebrow at Daniel but said nothing.
"SEE!" Daniel shouted, "I TOLD YOU THIS STUPID IDEA WOULDN'T WORK!"
"Okay, okay, get back in here and put your damned clothes back on!"
(Rustling in the bushes)
"Colonel, why are we doing this from the inside of a bush?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, Major - do you have a better idea?"
"Step 4, Colonel?"
"Step 4 - attempt to sabotage the fight with distractions and violence."
"Ooh, goody! I like this one!"
"I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that, Major."
Sam and Jack jumped out of the bush, whilst Daniel was still putting his clothes back on. Jack ran around Teal'c, waving his hat in his eyes. Sam grabbed a large branch off of a tree and whirled it around, sending sand and dust flying everywhere.
"Tone it down a little, Carter!" Jack choked.
"Sorry, sir!" she said, turning around and knocking Daniel over with the end of the branch.
"Oops. Sorry, Danny!"
"I think it might be time to try step five," Daniel moaned from the ground.
"Colonel?" Sam asked, putting the branch down before she did any more damage with it, and keeping a careful eye on Teal'c, to make sure that he hadn't killed the jaffa yet.
"Step 5 - make it appear as if Daniel is in danger."
"Oh, Jack!" Daniel moaned.
"Go on!" Jack said, "Go over there and pretend to be in danger!"
Daniel grumbled and groaned all the way, but went to the other side of the bush and shrieked:
"Teal'c! Help me! I'm in danger!"
Teal'c paused for a moment, but then turned back to his opponent.
"Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill are currently unoccupied - they will come to your rescue."
"Godammit!" Jack cursed, going behind the bush, "Now we have to go to step 6."
"Which is?" Daniel asked.
"Pretend that I am in danger."
"Hey!" Daniel said, "How come your being in danger is a step worse than my being in danger?"
Jack shrugged. "I'm a Colonel. You're...not."
"Well, what about me?" Sam asked, "I don't even get one." She put her hands on her hips and glared at Jack.
"Daniel," she said, "What do you think - should we make step 6 into 'Putting Jack O'Neill in danger'?"
Daniel grinned. Jack blanched.
"Uh...Carter, you really didn't ought to do tha- AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!"
Still, Teal'c did not move. Jack crawled out from under the bush, groaning.
"Carter, remind me to kick your ass when we get back to the SGC," he groaned, rubbing his head.
"There's still one more step to try, sir," she reminded him.
"Ah yes. Step 7. Pretend that Apophis is in the vicinity."
"HEY TEAL'C!" Daniel yelled, finally getting the Jaffa's attention.
"Apophis is here!" Jack yelled, "He went thataway!"
Teal'c took off in the direction of Jack's outstretched arm. Jack snorted.
"Gets him every time."
THE END
Author's Note: Would you like a part 4? Then you know what you have to do...