Title: What to do when nursing Jack O'Neill in the infirmary
Rating: PG
Summary: Eight easy steps on how to deal with Jack when he's in the infirmary.
Spoilers: None!
Author Notes: 5th in the 'What to do when...' series.
Dedication: To everyone who has ever reviewed my fics - thank you so much!!
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
~ What to do when nursing Jack O'Neill in the infirmary ~
By Ruth
Copyright (c) 2003, Ruth
**********
Janet shuddered as she heard the piercing voice once more.
"Doc!"
Jack O'Neill had been incapacitated in her infirmary for just three hours, but already three of her staff had mysteriously been taken ill with colds and another two said that they were getting that way.
She didn't believe them, but she couldn't blame them either. He was, by far, the most awkward patient in the history of awkward patients.
"Step 1," she said calmly, "Talk to him."
She left the sanctuary of her office and smiled sweetly at Jack. "Yes, Colonel?" she asked, "How are you feeling this morning?"
"When can I get out of here?" he groused, trying to get out of bed.
"Not for another three days, Colonel," Janet replied, forcing herself to keep smiling as she got him back into bed.
"But I feel fine!" he moaned, his mouth twisting in a frown.
"Would you like something to eat?" Janet asked, trying a good topic with him.
"Hell, yah - but none of that crappy infirmary food," he grunted, picking up his yo-yo from the bedside table and beginning to play with it.
Janet backed away from him, and then went onto step 2.
"Step 2 - Shut him up with food."
She went down to the commissary and picked up two different desserts, ignoring the looks she got from the people seated there. If they knew why she was really down there, they would probably all be filled with sympathy, either that or amusement.
She went back to the infirmary and found that his bed was empty. Carefully, she set the food down on the bedside table and stomped after him, her mouth in a grim line.
"Colonel?" she shouted, "Colonel! You get back in this bed, RIGHT NOW!"
He meekly peeked out from behind a cupboard, holding the yo-yo in his hand.
"But doc..." he persisted.
"No buts," Janet replied, "I've got you some dessert - why don't you go eat it, and I'll see if Daniel can come and see you."
That was following Step 3 - offload him onto Daniel.
Poor Daniel was often roped into this tiresome and totally unrewarding duty, as Sam was usually to busy in her lab, and Teal'c would be deep in Kelno'reem.
Jack got back into bed and pulled the cup of jello towards him, smarting slightly.
"It's blue!" he said, frowning and pushing the cup away.
Janet put her hands on her hips and sighed, very deeply this time.
"I thought you liked the blue, Colonel," she said, clenching her fists to stop herself from hitting him.
"Nooo," he moaned, "Carter likes the blue jello!"
"Oh, I'm sorry," Janet said, taking the cup back, "Why don't you eat that pie instead?"
With that, she hurried out of the room to get Daniel before she killed him, or before he told her that she'd got the wrong pie.
**********
"Oh, but Janet," Daniel moaned, "I've got some stuff that needs doing...and I think I might be coming down with a cold..."
"Daniel, PLEASE!" Janet cried, "Don't make me get down on my hands and knees!"
As if to make his point, Daniel sneezed into a king-sized Kleenex and picked up a pencil. "Sorry," he offered.
Janet was getting desperate - it was time for step 4.
"Step 4 - seek female help, as all males on base appear to be totally inadequate."
She made her way to Sam's lab and threw herself down on her knees.
"Oh, God, Sam!" she wailed, "You've got to help me!"
Sam got down on the floor next to Janet, and helped her back up.
"He's being a pain in the butt?" she asked.
"Totally," Janet replied, "I swear, if he does anything else I will..."
Sam held up her hands. "Whoa, Janet. Easy. I'm on my way - I'll stop first and pick up his gameboy."
"Sam, you are a saint," Janet replied warmly.
"Either that, or I'm totally out of my mind," Sam grinned, shutting her lab door.
**********
Five minutes later, she had decided upon the latter of her previous statement.
Totally mad.
She and Janet were nearing breaking point, so it was time to move to step 5.
"Step 5," Sam said, in Janet's ear, "Give him the gameboy."
Janet held out the small box and he grabbed it gleefully. He switched it on and for a full hour there was silence in the infirmary. Janet and Sam were able to have a conversation over their cups of coffee, when Sam suddenly began to choke.
"Sam?" Janet asked, "What is it?"
"We forgot step 6!" she moaned, as a resounding shout began to ring in her ears.
"DOC!"
"Step 6?" Janet replied, with disdain.
"Have extra batteries on standby," Sam said miserably, falling forwards onto the table with her head in her arms.
"DOC!"
**********
An hour later, after he'd been stuffed with food, Colonel O'Neill was showing little sign of improving his behaviour. All of Janet's infirmary staff had gone home with colds, and Daniel feared that maybe he was starting a bout of flu, so had gone home early. Teal'c even complained that his symbiote was nauseous, and that he needed Kelno'reem constantly for three days.
They were all lying, of course, leaving Sam and Janet to cope on their own.
"Could it possibly be time to try Step 7?" Sam asked.
"What, you mean - close your eyes and hope that it will all go away?"
"Yeah," Sam replied.
So, Sam and Janet closed their eyes. For at least three seconds, they disappeared into blissful silence.
"DOC!"
Janet's blood began to boil.
"Forgive me, Sam, but I feel that it's time for Step 8."
"Step 8?" Sam asked, shocked, "Janet, that's harsh!"
"It's also essential if we want to survive the next three days," Janet replied.
"Go ahead," Sam said, "I'm right behind you."
Janet went to the phone, and dialled a series of numbers.
"Hello? Yes, I'd like to speak to the anaesthetist..."
THE END
Author's Note: Want more? You know what you have to do... :)
Rating: PG
Summary: Eight easy steps on how to deal with Jack when he's in the infirmary.
Spoilers: None!
Author Notes: 5th in the 'What to do when...' series.
Dedication: To everyone who has ever reviewed my fics - thank you so much!!
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
~ What to do when nursing Jack O'Neill in the infirmary ~
By Ruth
Copyright (c) 2003, Ruth
**********
Janet shuddered as she heard the piercing voice once more.
"Doc!"
Jack O'Neill had been incapacitated in her infirmary for just three hours, but already three of her staff had mysteriously been taken ill with colds and another two said that they were getting that way.
She didn't believe them, but she couldn't blame them either. He was, by far, the most awkward patient in the history of awkward patients.
"Step 1," she said calmly, "Talk to him."
She left the sanctuary of her office and smiled sweetly at Jack. "Yes, Colonel?" she asked, "How are you feeling this morning?"
"When can I get out of here?" he groused, trying to get out of bed.
"Not for another three days, Colonel," Janet replied, forcing herself to keep smiling as she got him back into bed.
"But I feel fine!" he moaned, his mouth twisting in a frown.
"Would you like something to eat?" Janet asked, trying a good topic with him.
"Hell, yah - but none of that crappy infirmary food," he grunted, picking up his yo-yo from the bedside table and beginning to play with it.
Janet backed away from him, and then went onto step 2.
"Step 2 - Shut him up with food."
She went down to the commissary and picked up two different desserts, ignoring the looks she got from the people seated there. If they knew why she was really down there, they would probably all be filled with sympathy, either that or amusement.
She went back to the infirmary and found that his bed was empty. Carefully, she set the food down on the bedside table and stomped after him, her mouth in a grim line.
"Colonel?" she shouted, "Colonel! You get back in this bed, RIGHT NOW!"
He meekly peeked out from behind a cupboard, holding the yo-yo in his hand.
"But doc..." he persisted.
"No buts," Janet replied, "I've got you some dessert - why don't you go eat it, and I'll see if Daniel can come and see you."
That was following Step 3 - offload him onto Daniel.
Poor Daniel was often roped into this tiresome and totally unrewarding duty, as Sam was usually to busy in her lab, and Teal'c would be deep in Kelno'reem.
Jack got back into bed and pulled the cup of jello towards him, smarting slightly.
"It's blue!" he said, frowning and pushing the cup away.
Janet put her hands on her hips and sighed, very deeply this time.
"I thought you liked the blue, Colonel," she said, clenching her fists to stop herself from hitting him.
"Nooo," he moaned, "Carter likes the blue jello!"
"Oh, I'm sorry," Janet said, taking the cup back, "Why don't you eat that pie instead?"
With that, she hurried out of the room to get Daniel before she killed him, or before he told her that she'd got the wrong pie.
**********
"Oh, but Janet," Daniel moaned, "I've got some stuff that needs doing...and I think I might be coming down with a cold..."
"Daniel, PLEASE!" Janet cried, "Don't make me get down on my hands and knees!"
As if to make his point, Daniel sneezed into a king-sized Kleenex and picked up a pencil. "Sorry," he offered.
Janet was getting desperate - it was time for step 4.
"Step 4 - seek female help, as all males on base appear to be totally inadequate."
She made her way to Sam's lab and threw herself down on her knees.
"Oh, God, Sam!" she wailed, "You've got to help me!"
Sam got down on the floor next to Janet, and helped her back up.
"He's being a pain in the butt?" she asked.
"Totally," Janet replied, "I swear, if he does anything else I will..."
Sam held up her hands. "Whoa, Janet. Easy. I'm on my way - I'll stop first and pick up his gameboy."
"Sam, you are a saint," Janet replied warmly.
"Either that, or I'm totally out of my mind," Sam grinned, shutting her lab door.
**********
Five minutes later, she had decided upon the latter of her previous statement.
Totally mad.
She and Janet were nearing breaking point, so it was time to move to step 5.
"Step 5," Sam said, in Janet's ear, "Give him the gameboy."
Janet held out the small box and he grabbed it gleefully. He switched it on and for a full hour there was silence in the infirmary. Janet and Sam were able to have a conversation over their cups of coffee, when Sam suddenly began to choke.
"Sam?" Janet asked, "What is it?"
"We forgot step 6!" she moaned, as a resounding shout began to ring in her ears.
"DOC!"
"Step 6?" Janet replied, with disdain.
"Have extra batteries on standby," Sam said miserably, falling forwards onto the table with her head in her arms.
"DOC!"
**********
An hour later, after he'd been stuffed with food, Colonel O'Neill was showing little sign of improving his behaviour. All of Janet's infirmary staff had gone home with colds, and Daniel feared that maybe he was starting a bout of flu, so had gone home early. Teal'c even complained that his symbiote was nauseous, and that he needed Kelno'reem constantly for three days.
They were all lying, of course, leaving Sam and Janet to cope on their own.
"Could it possibly be time to try Step 7?" Sam asked.
"What, you mean - close your eyes and hope that it will all go away?"
"Yeah," Sam replied.
So, Sam and Janet closed their eyes. For at least three seconds, they disappeared into blissful silence.
"DOC!"
Janet's blood began to boil.
"Forgive me, Sam, but I feel that it's time for Step 8."
"Step 8?" Sam asked, shocked, "Janet, that's harsh!"
"It's also essential if we want to survive the next three days," Janet replied.
"Go ahead," Sam said, "I'm right behind you."
Janet went to the phone, and dialled a series of numbers.
"Hello? Yes, I'd like to speak to the anaesthetist..."
THE END
Author's Note: Want more? You know what you have to do... :)