Taco
On one very sunny day in Oregon (yes amazingly there are sunny days in Oregon) a van full of very odd characters was making its way down highway 20 and through the unsuspecting town of Lebanon on their way to a Lord of the Rings convention.
Driving the van was a very dirty, rough looking man with long (for a guy) greasy hair and very kind eyes. Next to him was an old man with a long white beard and long white hair (not to mention an equally white robe and cloak) who was holding his nose and gagging because of the smell of the man next to him. In the seats behind them were two beautiful women. One had long luxurious black hair, a pale complexion, and pointy ears. The other had a bit tanner skin, long blonde hair, and normal ears. They were eyeing each other. Their death stares were not faltering for a minute. Frankly it scared the poor miniature man sitting in between the two (and for good reason). He had long, red, curly hair that went down to his shoulders and was humming his hit song which, by the way, will be on his new album, The Best of Pippin, coming out this September. In the row of seats behind them were some more miniature men. One of them was a bit chubby, had blonde curly hair, and was clenching a bag full of gardening tools. The one next to him was twitching which seemed to annoy the chubby dude beside him. The twitching one had brown hair and really clear blue eyes. The one next to him had blonde hair and was suffering from separation anxiety. Behind them, in what was suppose to be the trunk, was a gorgeous man with pointy ears, long blonde hair, and a very ticked off expression on his fair face. He was sitting on a pet carrier that had in it a horridly ugly human like creature who was mumbling incoherently.
The silence was deafening, if you were one of the lucky people who could block out Pippins continuous humming. It had been going on like that for an hour. Pippin humming, the two girls (whose names, by the way, are Eowyn (blonde hair) and Arwen (black hair)) trying to stare each other down, and the creature (Gulom) mumbling incoherently. Legolas (the one in the back sitting on the pet carrier) couldn't take it anymore. The silence was killing him, and he had to do something about it. He had to say something. Something smart and meaningful and he knew just what that something was.
"I want a taco!" he yelled.
"No you can't have a taco we're eating at The Point. Plus elves don't eat tacos." said the ruff looking driver (Aragorn).
"Of course we do, and I want one." stated the elf, trying his best to mimic the Puss and Boots look he saw on T.V.
"I said no and that's final Legolas."
"Come on, it's bad enough that have to sit back here with the weird-o, but now you deny my right to a taco!"
"Well as long as we're complaining" interrupted the twitching miniature man (Frodo) "I have gone five hours without a beer and I need one real bad! Can we stop at a bar?"
"No we can not," said Aragorn "you know Merry can't get in without his license."
"Damn you Merry!" yelled the Hobbit while smacking the other hobbit suffering from separation anxiety.
"Well, why do I have to sit here instead of next to Pippin!" complained Merry
"Augh, we already had this discussion in Corvallis!" Screamed Arwen "Speaking of Corvallis, that's where we were when Pippin started his annoying humming! Does he ever shut up?!?"
"I like his humming, that's my favorite song!" defended Eowyn "Plus he has to practice for his concert, something you obviously don't understand!"
"Neither do you! Besides what does humming have to do with a concert?!?"
"I need a beer!" yelled Frodo.
"First the ring, now AlCOHOL! I told you we shouldn't have let him miss his Alcoholic Anonymous meeting!" said Sam.
"Look there's a Taco Bell, let's stop!" said Legolas pointing out the window to a Taco Bell sign. "Taaaccooo."
"Shah, shah, the wizard, Gandalf say something." Said Merry, climbing over the seat to poke Gandalf who awoke with a jerk
"I say... I say... let's all sit down." said Gandalf. Of course, everyone sat down and things went back to normal.
That is until Aragorn looked in his rear view mirror and discovered that Gimli was missing."Where the heck is Gimli?" he directed his comment towards Legolas who was supposed to be sitting next to him.
"I thought he was sitting with you up front." said Legolas.
"Ughh, I told him to meet us at the van at 12:30!"
"Shouldn't we go back and get him?"
"No! We aren't stopping and we aren't turning around! You got me to go on this crummy trip and I went, even though every year we get chased by groups of insane girls screaming out the names of people we don't know! Then eventually we get kicked out for disturbing the peace! It never fails, never!"
"Look a gardening store! Can we stop?" said Sam.
"What did I just get finish telling everyone!" "I don't know I wasn't listening."
"Well, it was something about how we aren't stopping!"
"But there's a-"
"No!"
"Fine then, be that way."
With that matter cleared up Aragorn remembered that he's suppose to be driving and he looked at the road just in time to swerve and miss hitting a little bunny trying to cross the road. But, as he swerved, he knocked a cup full of Pepsi onto Gandalf's lap.
"Oh, dang it, I guess we're going to have to stop at a dry cleaners" said Gandalf. "
"We're NOT STOPPING!" screamed Aragorn.
"But I'm supposed to be the White Wizard! Not the White Wizard with the coke stains on his lap!"
"Correction, its Pepsi and you can change when we get there."
"Respect your elders Aragorn!"
"Sure, whatever."
"My precious..." said a creepy voice from the back.
"Aragorn, he's doing it again!" yelled Legolas.
"Gollum, stop stroking Legolas's hair!" said Aragorn angrily.
"But it's so shiny and soft. We likeses it, we do. We wantses it, we do."
"Ewww, he's giving me split ends!"
Legolas got up and tried to move his hair out of the reach of Gollum but as he did it got caught on the lock keeping Gollum's pet carrier closed. He pulled it, which tripped the lock, and Gollum sprung out, and headed towards the steering wheel."You are not making us go to that horrid convention this year. Last year someone called us a monkey. It hurt our feelingses." He said as he grabbed the steering wheel. Aragorn yanked on his leg, trying to get him to let go but that only jerked the steering wheel to the right which caused the car to go skidding into one of the many trees that line the roads of Oregon. The car hit the tree throwing Gollum to the back of the car where Legolas wrestled him into the pet carrier. Everyone stared angrily at Legolas as he stroked his hair, assessing the damage. Legolas looked up at the car full of angry people/hobbits/elves and blushed.
"Good news everyone, my hairs going to be alright." said Legolas cheerily to the crowd of reddening humanoids.
"Guess we should go see the damage to the car, maybe it will cheer us up" sighed the disappointed Pippin.
It didn't. The car was totaled and there was little hope that anyone would give a ride to a group with short men, a man and woman with pointy ears, and their strange talking pet. So they sat by the side of the road hoping by some miracle someone would be kind (or crazy) enough to stop.What they didn't know was at that moment the poor unfortunate Gimli who was tragically left at a rest stop some where near Salem, had gotten a ride in a chicken farmer's truck and was heading towards them as they spoke (or rather sat). "So, what are ya again and what is that you have with ya?" said the farmer.
"My name is Gimli. I am a Dwarf and that is my axe." Said Gimli, apparently annoyed by the farmers ignorance.
"I don't care what ya are Gim, if your gonna to carry around a weapon you need a permit."
"It's Gimli and I don't have nor need a permit"
"Whatever you say Gim."
"Grrr."
Will Gimli see his friends on the side of the road? Has Gimli forgiven his friends for leaving him at the rest stop? Will they get to the convention in time? Is Gimli going to survive his ride with the under educated farmer? But, more importantly, will Legolas ever get his taco?!? Find out next time on -click-"Man I hate these stupid spoof shows." said Orlando.
"Yeah their always so stupid" replied Viggo.
"Viggo?"
"Yes?"
"Can I have a taco?"
"That's not funny."