Title: What to do when trying to avoid going fishing with your CO
Feedback to: jm-webmistress@fsmail.net
Rating: PG
Summary: Tips for how to avoid the trip of a nightmare.
Spoilers: None!
Author Notes: 7th in the 'What to do when' series. If you don't appreciate fart jokes, you probably won't appreciate this. You've been warned.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
~ What to do when trying to avoid going fishing with your CO ~
By Ruth
Copyright (c) 2003, Ruth
**********
"SAM!"
Sam jumped as her friend practically skidded into her lab and slammed the door shut behind him, pulling a chair up and sticking it under the door handle. He made sure that the room was totally secure, and then turned around to face her.
"Daniel, what is it?" Sam asked, "What's happened?"
"Jack…" Daniel faltered, "He's recruiting for his fishing trip! I tired to go back for Teal'c but…oh, God I think I was too late!"
"Teal'c will look after himself," Sam said, "We've got to hurry. Quick, turn out all of the lights and come over here."
Daniel flicked off the lights and ran over to Sam, diving under her desk. The two of them sat there and waited with baited breath. After a while, they heard the familiar thud of footsteps down the corridor.
Daniel bit back a wail of fright and clawed at Sam's shirt.
"Quiet!" She hissed, "Do you want to get us caught?"
There was a knock at the door of her lab. Daniel and Sam froze instantly, hardly daring to breathe.
"Carter?" his voice barked, "Carter, are you in there?"
There was no reply.
"Must be in the commissary," Jack said thoughtfully, and wandered off down the corridor.
Daniel whimpered as Jack left and sunk to the floor in fright.
"Sam, that was SO close!" He groaned, "He's patrolling the corridors - how are we going to get out?"
"We have to try and stay calm," Sam said, "Remember, there are certain steps for dealing with this!"
"Right," Daniel breathed heavily, "Step one would be, uh… group meeting?"
"Exactly. Where did you leave Teal'c?" Sam asked. Daniel let out a little moan.
"The commissary."
"Part of me wants to go and get him out - but the other part knows what will happen if we're spotted. This is one hell of a dilemma, Danny."
"Okay, so we've tried step 1. What's step 2?"
"Don't panic," Sam reminded him, "It's the most important rule of all."
"I'm not panicking," Daniel said quietly, "I'm absolutely…"
There was a frantic knocking on the door of Sam's lab.
"AAAGGGGHHHH!" Daniel screamed, jumping up off of the floor and running for the storage cupboard.
"MAJOR CARTER!" Teal'c's voice hollered from outside.
"On my way, Teal'c," she said, going over to the door and ushering him inside, ignoring the strange look she got from an airman on duty outside.
"How did you get away?" Sam asked.
"I realised that O'Neill was heading for the commissary and knew that I had little time, so I took a short cut through the ventilation system and came to your door. Why is Daniel Jackson in the cupboard?"
"He thought you were Colonel O'Neill," Sam explained, "And we've reached stage 3 in the 'what to do when trying to avoid going fishing with your CO' plan."
"Stage 3?" Teal'c said grimly, "The situation worsens. We have never had to go past this stage before."
"Get sent home by Janet," Sam said grimly, "I don't think she's gonna buy it again. We did it last week, and even then she was giving me her look."
"We had better not risk it," Teal'c said, going over to the cupboard and ushering Daniel out of it. "We must instead move onto Step 4."
"Step 4? That's crawl through the ventilation system until you find a possible route of escape?" Daniel asked.
"Indeed," Teal'c said grimly, "I believe we must try. Do you remember the time when we were stuck at the cabin for a whole 2 hours?"
Sam shook her head. "I nearly lost my mind."
"We cannot go through that again," Teal'c agreed, taking the grate off of the ventilation shaft, "I will go first, Daniel Jackson will be in the middle, Major Carter will bring up the rear. Are we clear?"
"Yes!" Daniel squeaked, "Let's just go! We don't have much time left!"
Teal'c squeezed himself up and into the ventilation shaft. Daniel was trembling so much that Sam had to help him, and finally she pulled herself up, covering the hole behind her with the grate. Then, they were on the move.
"Uh…Teal'c? Sam? Have either of you given any thought as to how we're going to get out of here?" Daniel asked quietly, as they made their way ever forwards.
"I…I suppose we'll just jump out somewhere," Sam said, "Damn it, I was in such a hurry that I forgot to calculate everything that could go wrong with this plan."
"I think I'm glad that you did," Daniel said nervously, not noticing that Teal'c had stopped. He carried on forwards and barrelled straight into Teal'c's butt.
"Daniel Jackson, I have stopped."
"I know," Daniel muttered, "Sam, a hand please?"
Sam grabbed hold of his ankles and yanked him out. The three of them fell silent on Teal'c's command.
"We are directly above General Hammond's office," Teal'c warned, "And Colonel O'Neill is with him."
**********
"General, you haven't seen my team anywhere, have you?" Jack asked, as Hammond was busy sorting through a filing cabinet.
"Sorry, son, I can't help you there." Hammond replied, busying himself with some papers.
Just as Jack was about to leave the room, a tremendously loud fart echoed around the room. Hammond looked up in disbelief at Jack, who was equally distressed, and started pointing at the ventilation shaft.
"It was the ventilation system!" he squeaked.
"Next, son, you'll be telling me that the radiators are burping," Hammond said in disgust, turning on his fan, "Please keep your bodily functions under control, Colonel."
"But!" Jack protested, making fish impressions and pointing at the ventilation grille, "IT WASN'T ME!"
**********
Up in the ventilation shaft, Daniel was almost dying. Given his close proximity to Teal'c's butt when the fart occurred, he was suffering the most. Sam was trying to muffle her giggles as she watched Daniel writhing and contorting in disgust, but then even more as she watched Jack try to blame it on the ventilation system.
"Daniel Jackson, I apologise. It must have been those mashed potatoes that I had earlier."
"Euurrrggghhhh.." Daniel grunted, getting on his hands and knees, "Can we just finish this please? Surely we must be able to move on to step 5?"
"Not until we're out of here," Sam said, urging the weakened Daniel forwards, "Come on, we'll drop down at the next one."
When they reached the next turn, Teal'c looked down to see what was below them. It was the infirmary. He cast a quick look around, and saw that it was empty. Janet was sitting in her office, but the door was closed. He was about to pop the grille out when Colonel O'Neill entered, and the three fell silent again.
"Doc?" Jack called, "You in there?"
"Sure," Janet smiled, "What can I do for you?"
"Well, I…"
The room was once again filled with a tremendously loud fart, and Jack narrowed his eyes at the ventilation system. Someone had to be playing a trick on him.
"I see, Colonel. Would you like me to examine you? That sounded nasty."
"It wasn't me!" He squeaked, "It was coming from the ventilation system! Didn't you hear it?"
"I heard it alright, Colonel, and I'd be surprised if half of Colorado didn't. Come over here."
"Godamned Airmen!" he cursed under his breath, and followed Janet.
**********
Daniel thought he was dying. Sam was collapsed in silent laughter, and Teal'c was hideously embarrassed.
"Doctor Jackson, my apologies again. That was some particularly vindictive mashed potato."
"Get…me…out…of…here!" Daniel gasped.
Teal'c removed the grille, and levered himself down the hole in the bottom, followed by Daniel and Sam.
"Maybe we ought to grab him an oxygen mask whilst we're here," Sam smirked, earning a glare from Teal'c.
"Just go, now!" Daniel said, in a harsh whisper, "He's coming!"
"Come and see me if you have any more problems, Colonel," Janet smiled understandingly, "And don't worry, this stays between the two of us."
Jack snarled as he looked at the grille on the floor. So, somebody had been messing around in the ventilation system. He bet he knew who it was, and all.
**********
"Step 5 - hide in the stationary cupboard."
So they did. All three of them, crammed into a very confined space. Considering Teal'c's bowel predicament, this was not a good idea.
Jack stalked past the stationary cupboard, bumping into Lieutennant Graham Simmons.
"Oh, sorry sir, I…"
The fart happened again. Jack began to grind his teeth.
"Right. That does it," he said, looking up at the ventilation shaft, "You wait till I get my hands on you, Siler!" he shouted.
Graham looked faintly distressed.
"Maybe you should get that seen to, Colonel," he said, holding his nose as he hurried away.
**********
"Get…me…out…of…this…cupboard…NOW!" Daniel moaned, falling out and collapsing onto the floor as Sam opened the door.
"Step 6," Teal'c said, helping Daniel up from the floor, "Implore the use of Amateur Dramatics."
"Basically, we have to be overly dramatic about something, to create a distraction so that we can escape." Sam said, dragging Daniel to his feet.
"Do we have a cork?" Daniel glared, looking at Teal'c.
"Daniel Jackson," said Teal'c, haughtily, "If you so much as think of inserting a cork into my…"
"Whoa!" Sam said, holding up her hands in disgust, "We've got a mission to complete here, guys. Save your cork ramming for later!"
They set off down the corridor, but Daniel turned around and pointed his finger at Teal'c.
"I'm warning you!" He snapped.
"I believe that I have an idea, Major Carter," Teal'c said, "We could pretend that you are in labour, and must be rushed off of the base immediately."
Sam frowned.
"Teal'c, that is wrong on so many levels, but I have two major quibbles with it. One, you are exploiting the fact that I am a woman, and two - I'm not even pregnant!"
"You have a point. What are we going to do?" Daniel asked. Just then, Siler came around the corner and smiled at the three of them.
"Hey guys!" he said. Sam hurriedly pulled him over to the side of the corridor, hearing Jack's footsteps approaching.
"Siler, Colonel O'Neill is very mad at you, because he thinks that you've been hiding in the ventilation shaft and making fart noises. Actually, Teal'c just has gas and we have seriously bad timing. We need your help to get off of the base. Will you help us?"
Siler looked at Sam suspiciously.
"Major, what is up with you today?" he began, but then Jack caught sight of his prey.
"You have approximately three seconds before Jack pounds you into a potato waffle," Sam said steadily, as Jack began to move towards them in slow-motion, "It's us, or the waffle."
"Follow me," Siler sighed, running away with the rest of them.
**********
Jack stopped in the middle of the corridor. What was going on? All he wanted to do was ask his friends to come fishing with him and go, but instead he was being pursued by some eejit with a whoopee cushion and a grudge.
"Carter? Danny? T?" he asked.
There was no reply.
"Bugger it," he said to himself, "I'll go on my own."
**********
"Siler, thank you," Sam said with a smile, "You've just saved all of us, and you."
It was at that precise moment that General Hammond entered their hiding place and frowned.
"May I ask what the hell you are all doing here?" he asked. "This is my private lavatory!"
Sam glared at Siler.
Daniel glared at Teal'c.
Teal'c farted.
"Right, my office - NOW!" Hammond roared.
**********
At his cabin, Jack sank back into his comfortable chair and smiled, surrounded by blissful peace. He pushed his sunglasses a little further up his nose, and held his cell phone closer to his ear, listening to his so-called friends getting the blocking of their life.
"Thanks, General," he said into the receiver, and turned the phone off. "Revenge is definitely a dish served cold."
The End
**********
Author Notes: Sorry this one's been so long coming, but 'What to do…' is back with a vengeance! Please send all feedback to jm-webmistress@fsmail.net
Feedback to: jm-webmistress@fsmail.net
Rating: PG
Summary: Tips for how to avoid the trip of a nightmare.
Spoilers: None!
Author Notes: 7th in the 'What to do when' series. If you don't appreciate fart jokes, you probably won't appreciate this. You've been warned.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
~ What to do when trying to avoid going fishing with your CO ~
By Ruth
Copyright (c) 2003, Ruth
**********
"SAM!"
Sam jumped as her friend practically skidded into her lab and slammed the door shut behind him, pulling a chair up and sticking it under the door handle. He made sure that the room was totally secure, and then turned around to face her.
"Daniel, what is it?" Sam asked, "What's happened?"
"Jack…" Daniel faltered, "He's recruiting for his fishing trip! I tired to go back for Teal'c but…oh, God I think I was too late!"
"Teal'c will look after himself," Sam said, "We've got to hurry. Quick, turn out all of the lights and come over here."
Daniel flicked off the lights and ran over to Sam, diving under her desk. The two of them sat there and waited with baited breath. After a while, they heard the familiar thud of footsteps down the corridor.
Daniel bit back a wail of fright and clawed at Sam's shirt.
"Quiet!" She hissed, "Do you want to get us caught?"
There was a knock at the door of her lab. Daniel and Sam froze instantly, hardly daring to breathe.
"Carter?" his voice barked, "Carter, are you in there?"
There was no reply.
"Must be in the commissary," Jack said thoughtfully, and wandered off down the corridor.
Daniel whimpered as Jack left and sunk to the floor in fright.
"Sam, that was SO close!" He groaned, "He's patrolling the corridors - how are we going to get out?"
"We have to try and stay calm," Sam said, "Remember, there are certain steps for dealing with this!"
"Right," Daniel breathed heavily, "Step one would be, uh… group meeting?"
"Exactly. Where did you leave Teal'c?" Sam asked. Daniel let out a little moan.
"The commissary."
"Part of me wants to go and get him out - but the other part knows what will happen if we're spotted. This is one hell of a dilemma, Danny."
"Okay, so we've tried step 1. What's step 2?"
"Don't panic," Sam reminded him, "It's the most important rule of all."
"I'm not panicking," Daniel said quietly, "I'm absolutely…"
There was a frantic knocking on the door of Sam's lab.
"AAAGGGGHHHH!" Daniel screamed, jumping up off of the floor and running for the storage cupboard.
"MAJOR CARTER!" Teal'c's voice hollered from outside.
"On my way, Teal'c," she said, going over to the door and ushering him inside, ignoring the strange look she got from an airman on duty outside.
"How did you get away?" Sam asked.
"I realised that O'Neill was heading for the commissary and knew that I had little time, so I took a short cut through the ventilation system and came to your door. Why is Daniel Jackson in the cupboard?"
"He thought you were Colonel O'Neill," Sam explained, "And we've reached stage 3 in the 'what to do when trying to avoid going fishing with your CO' plan."
"Stage 3?" Teal'c said grimly, "The situation worsens. We have never had to go past this stage before."
"Get sent home by Janet," Sam said grimly, "I don't think she's gonna buy it again. We did it last week, and even then she was giving me her look."
"We had better not risk it," Teal'c said, going over to the cupboard and ushering Daniel out of it. "We must instead move onto Step 4."
"Step 4? That's crawl through the ventilation system until you find a possible route of escape?" Daniel asked.
"Indeed," Teal'c said grimly, "I believe we must try. Do you remember the time when we were stuck at the cabin for a whole 2 hours?"
Sam shook her head. "I nearly lost my mind."
"We cannot go through that again," Teal'c agreed, taking the grate off of the ventilation shaft, "I will go first, Daniel Jackson will be in the middle, Major Carter will bring up the rear. Are we clear?"
"Yes!" Daniel squeaked, "Let's just go! We don't have much time left!"
Teal'c squeezed himself up and into the ventilation shaft. Daniel was trembling so much that Sam had to help him, and finally she pulled herself up, covering the hole behind her with the grate. Then, they were on the move.
"Uh…Teal'c? Sam? Have either of you given any thought as to how we're going to get out of here?" Daniel asked quietly, as they made their way ever forwards.
"I…I suppose we'll just jump out somewhere," Sam said, "Damn it, I was in such a hurry that I forgot to calculate everything that could go wrong with this plan."
"I think I'm glad that you did," Daniel said nervously, not noticing that Teal'c had stopped. He carried on forwards and barrelled straight into Teal'c's butt.
"Daniel Jackson, I have stopped."
"I know," Daniel muttered, "Sam, a hand please?"
Sam grabbed hold of his ankles and yanked him out. The three of them fell silent on Teal'c's command.
"We are directly above General Hammond's office," Teal'c warned, "And Colonel O'Neill is with him."
**********
"General, you haven't seen my team anywhere, have you?" Jack asked, as Hammond was busy sorting through a filing cabinet.
"Sorry, son, I can't help you there." Hammond replied, busying himself with some papers.
Just as Jack was about to leave the room, a tremendously loud fart echoed around the room. Hammond looked up in disbelief at Jack, who was equally distressed, and started pointing at the ventilation shaft.
"It was the ventilation system!" he squeaked.
"Next, son, you'll be telling me that the radiators are burping," Hammond said in disgust, turning on his fan, "Please keep your bodily functions under control, Colonel."
"But!" Jack protested, making fish impressions and pointing at the ventilation grille, "IT WASN'T ME!"
**********
Up in the ventilation shaft, Daniel was almost dying. Given his close proximity to Teal'c's butt when the fart occurred, he was suffering the most. Sam was trying to muffle her giggles as she watched Daniel writhing and contorting in disgust, but then even more as she watched Jack try to blame it on the ventilation system.
"Daniel Jackson, I apologise. It must have been those mashed potatoes that I had earlier."
"Euurrrggghhhh.." Daniel grunted, getting on his hands and knees, "Can we just finish this please? Surely we must be able to move on to step 5?"
"Not until we're out of here," Sam said, urging the weakened Daniel forwards, "Come on, we'll drop down at the next one."
When they reached the next turn, Teal'c looked down to see what was below them. It was the infirmary. He cast a quick look around, and saw that it was empty. Janet was sitting in her office, but the door was closed. He was about to pop the grille out when Colonel O'Neill entered, and the three fell silent again.
"Doc?" Jack called, "You in there?"
"Sure," Janet smiled, "What can I do for you?"
"Well, I…"
The room was once again filled with a tremendously loud fart, and Jack narrowed his eyes at the ventilation system. Someone had to be playing a trick on him.
"I see, Colonel. Would you like me to examine you? That sounded nasty."
"It wasn't me!" He squeaked, "It was coming from the ventilation system! Didn't you hear it?"
"I heard it alright, Colonel, and I'd be surprised if half of Colorado didn't. Come over here."
"Godamned Airmen!" he cursed under his breath, and followed Janet.
**********
Daniel thought he was dying. Sam was collapsed in silent laughter, and Teal'c was hideously embarrassed.
"Doctor Jackson, my apologies again. That was some particularly vindictive mashed potato."
"Get…me…out…of…here!" Daniel gasped.
Teal'c removed the grille, and levered himself down the hole in the bottom, followed by Daniel and Sam.
"Maybe we ought to grab him an oxygen mask whilst we're here," Sam smirked, earning a glare from Teal'c.
"Just go, now!" Daniel said, in a harsh whisper, "He's coming!"
"Come and see me if you have any more problems, Colonel," Janet smiled understandingly, "And don't worry, this stays between the two of us."
Jack snarled as he looked at the grille on the floor. So, somebody had been messing around in the ventilation system. He bet he knew who it was, and all.
**********
"Step 5 - hide in the stationary cupboard."
So they did. All three of them, crammed into a very confined space. Considering Teal'c's bowel predicament, this was not a good idea.
Jack stalked past the stationary cupboard, bumping into Lieutennant Graham Simmons.
"Oh, sorry sir, I…"
The fart happened again. Jack began to grind his teeth.
"Right. That does it," he said, looking up at the ventilation shaft, "You wait till I get my hands on you, Siler!" he shouted.
Graham looked faintly distressed.
"Maybe you should get that seen to, Colonel," he said, holding his nose as he hurried away.
**********
"Get…me…out…of…this…cupboard…NOW!" Daniel moaned, falling out and collapsing onto the floor as Sam opened the door.
"Step 6," Teal'c said, helping Daniel up from the floor, "Implore the use of Amateur Dramatics."
"Basically, we have to be overly dramatic about something, to create a distraction so that we can escape." Sam said, dragging Daniel to his feet.
"Do we have a cork?" Daniel glared, looking at Teal'c.
"Daniel Jackson," said Teal'c, haughtily, "If you so much as think of inserting a cork into my…"
"Whoa!" Sam said, holding up her hands in disgust, "We've got a mission to complete here, guys. Save your cork ramming for later!"
They set off down the corridor, but Daniel turned around and pointed his finger at Teal'c.
"I'm warning you!" He snapped.
"I believe that I have an idea, Major Carter," Teal'c said, "We could pretend that you are in labour, and must be rushed off of the base immediately."
Sam frowned.
"Teal'c, that is wrong on so many levels, but I have two major quibbles with it. One, you are exploiting the fact that I am a woman, and two - I'm not even pregnant!"
"You have a point. What are we going to do?" Daniel asked. Just then, Siler came around the corner and smiled at the three of them.
"Hey guys!" he said. Sam hurriedly pulled him over to the side of the corridor, hearing Jack's footsteps approaching.
"Siler, Colonel O'Neill is very mad at you, because he thinks that you've been hiding in the ventilation shaft and making fart noises. Actually, Teal'c just has gas and we have seriously bad timing. We need your help to get off of the base. Will you help us?"
Siler looked at Sam suspiciously.
"Major, what is up with you today?" he began, but then Jack caught sight of his prey.
"You have approximately three seconds before Jack pounds you into a potato waffle," Sam said steadily, as Jack began to move towards them in slow-motion, "It's us, or the waffle."
"Follow me," Siler sighed, running away with the rest of them.
**********
Jack stopped in the middle of the corridor. What was going on? All he wanted to do was ask his friends to come fishing with him and go, but instead he was being pursued by some eejit with a whoopee cushion and a grudge.
"Carter? Danny? T?" he asked.
There was no reply.
"Bugger it," he said to himself, "I'll go on my own."
**********
"Siler, thank you," Sam said with a smile, "You've just saved all of us, and you."
It was at that precise moment that General Hammond entered their hiding place and frowned.
"May I ask what the hell you are all doing here?" he asked. "This is my private lavatory!"
Sam glared at Siler.
Daniel glared at Teal'c.
Teal'c farted.
"Right, my office - NOW!" Hammond roared.
**********
At his cabin, Jack sank back into his comfortable chair and smiled, surrounded by blissful peace. He pushed his sunglasses a little further up his nose, and held his cell phone closer to his ear, listening to his so-called friends getting the blocking of their life.
"Thanks, General," he said into the receiver, and turned the phone off. "Revenge is definitely a dish served cold."
The End
**********
Author Notes: Sorry this one's been so long coming, but 'What to do…' is back with a vengeance! Please send all feedback to jm-webmistress@fsmail.net