Disclaimer: I disclaim everything.
Chapter 5: Feelings, the hard way
Jess didn't know how long they had been standing there smiling at each other. It could have just been a minute or it could have been an hour. As far as Jess was concerned he didn't know and he didn't care. All he cared about was her standing in front of him. Gosh, she was beautiful. Even though she was wearing a massive amount of clothes and had a scarf wrapped around her neck, he could still make out her figure and the colour of her skin. She was beautiful, too beautiful. Too tempting. He would give in to her, he knew, unless he was able to say something first. He couldn't let her speak first. Whoever spoke first would lose.
So he had to speak first. Yes, definitely, he had to say something before she could say anything. But how to start?
"What are you doing in New York?" Wait, what are you doing in New York? Where did that crap come from? He could have just asked 'How do you like the weather today?' or something even more trivial. Didn't he want to say something first? Now the ball was in her court and she could start wherever she wanted.
"Um, I just like to come to the city sometimes. I've been doing that more often lately." Rory answered. Lucky you, she's just as clumsy as she is.
"Uhu, I see."
"Look Jess, why don't we go somewhere and talk."
"I don't know if that's a good idea." Actually, that's what he thought. It wasn't a good idea. He wasn't ready yet.
"Look Jess, I really want to talk to you."
"Rory, I don't think I can do that." She looked at him sadly. Damn it Mariano. You made her sad again. Asshole. You just can't help it, can you?
Against his better judgement Jess asked. "Well, what do you want to talk about?"
"Us, what happened, everything, my life, what has happened in my life-"
"That's a lot to talk about."
"Well, yeah, but Jess please" her eyes were pleading with him. He didn't know why, put he could sense that there was something entirely wrong about her. Something had happened. She looked worn out, more serious, not as careless as before. Something had happened. Jess wondered what, silently hoping that it wasn't his fault again.
"I just need to talk, please, Jess."
"Alright." Jess nodded. He couldn't believe himself. Why did he do this? He was not prepared for this. He had nothing going for him yet. He was still at the beginning of a new life. No matter how much he wanted, he couldn't get involved with her yet. He was still the same failure as a few months ago, when she rejected him. He couldn't take another no.
They silently started walking again, Jess taking the lead, knowing his way around town. He couldn't take her to his dog hut. He couldn't show her what his life was like. Normally his first choice would have been Washington Square Park, but it was way to cold for that today. Okay, so some place where they could talk but wouldn't necessarily be alone. That would have just been uncomfortable. Jess decided on a more neutral location. He knew a little café just a few blocks away in which there where always people, but it never was crammed. That should be okay, He hadn't been there since he was back in town and he didn't think that they would meet anyone from his GED class or work there. Somehow Jess was terrified with the thought of her getting an insight of his life.
They got there after about 10 minutes but neither of them said anything while they were walking. Jess was deep in thought and so was Rory he figured. This wasn't gonna be easy. But he couldn't have said no to her. Hadn't he promised that she could count on him now? Hadn't he promised that he could be there for her? He had and he wouldn't break his promise. He had to show her that he had grown up and could deal with her rejection. If she needed to talk, fine. He would let her talk, which didn't mean that he would talk. He wasn't ready to offer anything about his goals in life at this point.
When they entered the café there weren't too many people. Jess pointed at a table in the corner somewhat away from the other guests and Rory nodded in agreement. As soon as they had sat down across from each other the waitress made her way to their table.
"Anything I can get you two, do you need the menus?"
"For me just coffee, please" Rory said.
"I'll have the same" Jess commented. The waitress smiled and walked back to the counter.
"So" Rory said.
"So" this was getting awkward, Jess thought.
"What do you want to talk about?" he asked. After all, she had wanted to talk so she should make a start.
"Well, there's a lot I want to get of my chest."
"Okay, so I guess you should start somewhere."
"Right, okay" Rory responded, obviously fumbling for words.
Then the waitress came back putting their coffees down in front of them and both of them immediately took a sip. Jess was somewhat thankful for the little distraction.
"Okay, a lot has happened since I last saw you."
"I figure, it's been a few months."
"Right." Rory looked down. Jess was getting nervous. Where was this going, what was she going to tell him?
"Okay, Jess, this is kind of hard but please hear me out. These last months have not exactly been the best in my life; I made so many mistakes, oh my god. I don't know how many. There's so much stuff that I regret. Me and my mom have grown apart, me and Lane hardly talk, I hardly go home, my grandparents are broken up, Dean hates me, Luke cannot look me in the eye anymore, I can't talk to people at school…"
"Wow wait Rory, that's like way to fast, I didn't get half of it. Take it step by step."
"Okay" Rory said taking a deep breath.
"After you left and I got back home something happened. I made a huge mistake and that changed my relationship with my mom, with Dean, with Luke, hell with everybody in Stars Hollow."
"What happened, Rory?" Jess asked trying to make her cut to the essential part.
"You're gonna hate me for this."
"Try me." Jess couldn't think of anything that could make him hate her. He loved her way to much to ever hate her.
"I slept with Dean."
It was as if Jess had just been kicked in the stomach. He felt slightly dizzy, a wave of nausea coming over him. He never expected that. He needed a few moments to collect himself. Okay, this hurt, this really hurt. Anyone but Dean. Anyone else but not Dean. Dean was like the ultimate decision against him, against Jess. But still, Rory had told him, why would she tell him? Why would she want him to know, what did he have to do with it?
"Why would I hate you for that?" He didn't intend saying that. It just came out.
"Because I don't love Dean, I never have, I love you."
Another kick, not it was more like a knife stabbed into his heart. Jess wasn't sure what was happening. He was stunned. Did she just say that, or was he imagining things? He couldn't tell whether he was dreaming or not. She said she loved him, but hadn't she told him no. Hadn't she slept with Dean? How could she love him? This didn't make any sense. Jess didn't know what to make of it.
Rory loved him though.
She had said "I love you" in the present tense.
"Is that true?" he almost didn't ask afraid her answer would be no.
"Yes, it is Jess, I love you. And I'm sorry for everything that happened. I've always loved you, you know. But I was hurt, really hurt, and I was afraid that if I let you back in, you'd hurt me again. That's why I told you no Jess. I wouldn't let myself love you."
Jess couldn't say anything to this. He knew he wasn't worthy of her love. He had known all along. His request had been incredibly stupid.
"I didn't mean to tell you no" Rory continued. "I never wanted to say no to you. I said no to you and me leaving. I can't give up my life. Everybody expects stuff from me, hell, I expect stuff from myself. I couldn't just leave with you. I thought that if I told you no, I could get over you. That's part of the reason why I slept with Dean. I told myself that I was over you, and like everyone else had said that Dean was such a great guy and I should be with him-"
Jess let out a noise of disgust at that. Bagboy and a great guy. Right, the kind of guy that cheated on his wife. The kind of guy that would sleep with his ex-girlfriend taking advantage of her.
"-but I don't want to be with Dean. I never loved him, and I know that I cheated with him. God, Jess he's married. How could I do that? I don't even recognize myself." Rory's eyes started filling up with tears. She had a hard time dealing with the thought.
"You're still you" Jess commented trying to calm her down, "but you're also human. People make mistakes."
"But being the girl on the side, that's huge."
"I've done worse" Jess answered contemplating. He really had done worse.
"I am sorry" Rory interrupted his chain of memories now managing to stop the tears.
"What?"
"I am sorry."
"What for?"
"I shouldn't have let you walk away. I shouldn't have tried to deny my own feelings. I know I hurt you Jess, and I am sorry."
Jess simply nodded. "I think we have both had our fair share of hurting each other."Rory looked down and Jess started playing with his coffee cup. He hadn't had a sip ever since the first one. But now he drank. The coffee was still warm, but not as hot anymore. After a few sips he looked around the café and so did Rory. Both didn't know how to go on. They just sat there and stared trying not to look at the other. Jess noticed a shopping bag sitting next to Rory on a chair. It looked like she had bought a book. He had to smile at himself for that. She was still reading.
"Bought a book?"
Rory seemed kind of irritated by the question. It took her a while to answer.
"Um, yeah, but actually, it's not for me." Jess didn't ask further. They went back to silence.
"Jess" Rory started all of a sudden "do you still love me?"
The question sounded somewhat hopeful but also desperate.
Jess had hoped she wouldn't ask. He couldn't lie to her and his response would make him so vulnerable. But he had to say it. He had to be honest.
"Yes, I love you." It was more a whisper, but he was sure she heard, because she started smiling lightly.
Right, so they both loved each other. Jess wonderedwhat that meant though. After all, they couldn't be together, could they? No, he just wasn't ready for her. He had only accomplished so little. He knew, that if they were get together now it wouldn't work out. He didn't know why, he simply knew. He still needed time. He needed time to become someone who was worthy of her love. He would always feel inferior to her if he didn't change his life. And he was still too hurt to just let her back in.
"I can't be with you, if you were gonna ask about that."
"Why?" Rory obviously was disappointed at that, though not surprised.
"I am not ready. I don't want to lose you again. And I am just not ready. We're not ready. I have stuff in my life to take care of, and it seems like you're life is kind of messed up as well. It just wouldn't work now."
Rory nodded. She understood. He was relieved.
"Maybe I should go." He offered, thinking that it would be hard for both of them to sit together anymore.
"No, wait. Can't we just talk, just like we used too? Jess I missed you so much. Please, just talk?"
"Rory, I can't talk to you about my life right now…I just can't." He dropped his gaze. He couldn't look her in the eyes. He knew his never opening up to her had been one of their major problems, but he just couldn't.
"That's okay, I don't know why, but I guess if you can't talk, then you can't talk. Just let me talk. Please, just let me tell you. I need someone to listen, who will not ultimately judge me. Someone who understands me."
Jess nodded he knew what she meant. He had always felt like they understood each other, no matter what they were talking about.
And so they sat there. She talked. He listened. She told him about her life, her troubles with her mom, her grand-parents, even school. At one point he asked her how Luke had been and she told him. He never inquired after anything else, although he was somewhat happy when she told him, that she had clarified things with Dean and that they didn't speak to each other anymore. Jess was still mad at Dean. He was sure, that of he was to meet this guy any time soon, he would beat the crap out of him.
They noticed that they must have been talking for almost 2 hours, when the staff started putting up tables. There were pretty much the last guests and agreed that it was time to go. Jess paid, like he had always done, and they walked out of the café. At the corner they stopped. Jess knew, that he would have to leave her here. He couldn't take her any further. If he walked one more block with her he wouldn't have been able to let her. Just this evening, just listening to her talk, knowing she loved him, had been so wonderful, so reviving, so refreshing. He had missed her. He had missed her company.
But this had to end here, if he was ever to have future with her.
"Rory" Jess said "I need to go now."
"Oh, okay, sure, you need to go" Rory stuttered. She didn't want him to go yet, he knew from the look in her eyes. He couldn't give in to her. He couldn't. Not yet anyway.
"Will I see you again?"
"I don't know" that was his honest answer. He didn't know.
Rory looked down at her hand and he could tell that she would start crying if he didn't leave right away.
"Bye, Rory" he said and he heard his voice cracking. This could be the last time he saw her and the thought was painful, unbearable again, just like the day in his car before he decided to go to New York. Jess turned around, not being able to look at her anymore, and walked quickly away from her.
However, he hadn't taken five steps when he heard her shout after him.
"Jess, wait" He stopped in his tracks and turned around again. She stood there, a book in hand, which she held out to him. Jess didn't know what she wanted.
"This is for you. A Christmas-gift. I didn't know whether I would ever be able to give it to you, but I bought it anyways. I want you to have it."
Jess moved closer and had to smile when he saw which book it was.
A Farewell to Arms. And it looked like it was an early edition, something he had wanted for a long time. He smiled and looked at her again, Then he knew.
"See you Rory" he told her and turned around to walk away from her again.
Before he turned around he had seen a smile on her face.
She knew as well.
A.N.: Well this chapter was kind of hard for me. I am not totally happy with it, but that's as good as it gets at this point. I hope it turned out ok anyways. Ana/litzyf thanks a lot for your review, and as you see, of course she doesn't get him back this easily. It's not that simple. And yes, they definitely belong together. They need time though. Hope you enjoyed it.