Chapter 5: Purpose
The next two days went by like a blur for Harry. Most of the time he spent locked up in his bedroom, though not in the dark and dreary state he had become so familiar with. The loss of his godfather and the weight of the prophecy still tugged at him. But the effect of Sirius' words in the pensieve had had an unexpected effect. Now there was a future, there was purpose. The more that he pondered Sirius' words the more they resonated with his spirit, he felt a calling but he couldn't make out exactly what it was.
Occasionally he would look over at Hedwig's empty cage and feel a tinge of regret. Several times he had felt the urge to ask someone to sort out his confusions, but he could never figure out whom he'd want this counsel from. In the end he was glad that he didn't have the option, though it irked him that the choice couldn't be voluntary. He knew that he had to figure things out on his own. If he was truly going to find his own way, he knew that he couldn't ask for help in getting there.
The Dursleys had been remarkably unobtrusive. Harry hadn't remained a hermit in his room and even decided to join the family during each of his meals. Any mumblings that Vernon sent his way fell on deaf ears. Harry was too lost in thought, mostly about what kind of change he wanted in life. The one thing that he had plenty of in this house was time alone, and for once it wasn't spent on unhealthy self-hating thoughts.
Another effect of having his mind constantly churning was that he was not only sleeping and eating properly, but he wasn't suffering from nightmares. He did develop headaches from time to time, and occasionally his scar would burn, but his focus was so concentrated that he could easily dismiss these distractions.
On his third day of deliberation he found himself staring out the window, as he so often did, thinking now about the means he would need to find the way to his uncertain end. As if fate had decided to give the boy a break for once, an answer to his most immediate problem walked right past his bedroom window. Looking as oblivious to the world as always, Mrs. Figg strolled past the house with two cats in tow. Harry jumped up from his room and ran straight out of the house to greet the old woman.
"Mrs. Figg! Mrs. Figg!" Harry called after the squib in a run.
Startled by the loud interruption on the permanently quite street the woman turned on her heel with her purse cocked and ready to bludgeon.
"Good grief boy, you scared a year off my life." The relief of realizing that the voice that called her was Harry was lost as quickly as it came when she realized that the voice that had called her was Harry Potter. "What are you doing out here in broad daylight child? You can't be seen! Is there something wrong is someone after you?"
Out of breath from running Harry was having a hard time calming the situation. "No…nothing like … no danger." Harry stopped trying to talk and took a deep replenishing breath. "I was just wondering if I could use your fire place. I sent Hedwig off to Grimmauld Place to stay and I need to contact some people."
"Yes, yes fine, but we have to get you off this street immediately. If Albus finds out that I was speaking with you, in the middle of the street, in broad daylight no less he's going to kill me. Follow me and quickly!"
Mrs. Figg hurried past Harry grabbing the boy by his arm and dragging him back to her house. She kept looking over her shoulder and up to the sky every few seconds while she mumbled excitedly. Once at the house she hurried Harry inside and looked out at the street one last time before shutting the door. "Right then, you go and sit in the living room, I'll get some tea and sandwiches ready."
Mrs. Figg came out shortly with a tray full of food that was obviously more than Harry could eat. He accepted the food with a nod and looked over to the fireplace.
"Well I have to feed my cats and do some garden work. You can have the floo to yourself as long as you promise me that you won't be traveling anywhere." said Mrs Figg.
"Thank you ma'am I will try not too be long." Harry said.
"It's no problem, and please call me Arabella. When you're done I have to insist that you go straight home, no wandering!" The look of concern on the lady's face made Harry feel nervous. He felt like he was abusing some sort of service that was reserved only for emergencies.
"I will Mrs. Fi…Arabella. I'm sorry again for the intrusion and for scaring you back on the street." The lady just nodded and handed Harry another sandwich before leaving the room.
Now that Harry was able to make contact with someone the idea felt less appealing. He hadn't spoken to anyone in over a week and wasn't sure who he could talk to that wouldn't make a huge fuss about it. Though he wasn't even sure that he knew where anybody was, he thought he would just try the most likely place.
"12 Grimmauld Place, London!"
Harry felt the warm sensation of the fire around his neck as he stuck his head into the fire. "Hello? Is anybody there? I'm looking for…Professor Lupin."
Harry heard the sound of breaking glass followed by a loud thump somewhere in the distance. "Wotcher Harry! You nearly gave me a heart attack, and I'm far to young for such a thing."
A fluorescent orange haired woman walked into the living room from the kitchen who Harry immediately recognized as Tonks.
"Hey Tonks, I'm looking for Professor Lupin. Do you happen to know where he might be?"
"Well hello to you too. How do you like that? Haven't heard from good ole Harry in over a week, except to tell us that we won't be hearing from him three days after he's back home. And not even a 'how you doin' Tonks', like the color of your hair today Tonks', you're the hottest Auror I know Tonks." The chiding auror stood with her hands on her hips and her lower lip sticking out. Harry had to laugh at how childish the woman could look when she wanted to.
"Sorry Tonks, I didn't mean to be rude. It's just that I'm at Mrs. Figg's house and I don't want to tie up her fireplace all afternoon. And your hair is very, er, vibrant today." Harry said trying to hold back a smile.
"You think? I have matching socks and thought that the combination was really striking." She lifted her leg to let Harry observe the matching footwear. "I hate to break it to you but Remus isn't here today, full moon is tomorrow night and he's making preparations. Everything alright there Harry?" Harry was amazed again at how Tonks features could change so dramatically to portray her mindset. She looked much older now, and her face carried a sense of hurt on it.
"Nothing is wrong, I just needed to speak to him…about a letter that I got from Sirius." This wasn't entirely true, but Harry knew that this would curb any further questioning and would also ensure that the Order didn't double up the watch on his house in case they thought he wasn't telling them something.
Tonks face softened a bit, "Well I can tell Remus when he gets back that you were looking for him, I'm sure that he will contact you as soon as he's able to."
"Thanks. Oh! Could you please send Hedwig back to me?" Harry said.
"Will do Harry, maybe you'll send us a post or two. Everybody would love to hear from ya."
Harry smiled and pulled his head out of the fire. He had one more contact to make and was even less sure about how to do it. He thought for a second and then threw another pinch of floo powder into the fireplace. "Hogwarts Kitchen!"
To Harry's satisfaction he saw the fireplace grow green and so he stuck his head back into the fire. The familiar scene of the kitchen below Hogwarts graced his eyes and he looked around for a moment at the vacant room. "Um, Dobby? I'm looking for Dobby the elf."
Harry heard a slight pop, and then had to catch himself from launching backwards when two tennis ball size eyes appeared only inches from his nose.
"Dobby was thinking that he heard the voice of the great Harry Potter calling. But Dobby isn't believing it to be so. But it is so and Dobby is so very happy he is seeing you here sir!" The elf was adorned with one green and orange striped sock and one blue and pink striped sock, and was practically bursting with excitement.
As always Dobby's presence made Harry smile. "Good afternoon Dobby, I was wondering if I might ask a favor of you."
"Dobby would be most honored to help Mister Harry Potter." The house elf crouched suddenly and brought his hand to his mouth. He looked worriedly about the kitchen, "Is Harry Potter in danger sir? Is he needing Dobby to contact the Headmaster?"
Harry was getting a little annoyed at these types of questions. It was the third conversation he had that day, and each time he had been asked if he was in danger. The fact that an elf was now trembling with concern for him made it even worse.
"No Dobby I'm not in any danger, and I definitely do not want you to contact the Headmaster." Harry said this with a little more anger then he intended. "Though I am sure that he will no doubt know all about our conversation before too long."
"Dobby is very sorry sir, Dobby did not mean to upset the great Harry Potter." The house elf grabbed a rolling pin and started beating himself upside the head with it.
"Dobby! Dobby! DOBBY! Stop that this instant! I have come to ask you to help me, but if you agree to I must insist that the terms of our agreement require that you stop punishing yourself for no reason."
The small house elf stumbled woozily from his self-inflicted head trauma. "Harry Potter is most kind. What help is the great Harry Potter needing from Dobby? Dobby would do anything sir."
"Thank you Dobby, as you are a free elf I have decided that I would like to propose a job offer to you. I understand that you work for Dumbledore and I do not know the bounds of that agreement. I do not wish for you to have to break your word with the Headmaster. But if you are available and interested, I would very much like for you to help me while I am here and at my godfa…at 12 Grimmauld Place."
Dobby's eyes grew to twice their already large size. His bony knees began to shake and an indiscernible set of suppressed moans escaped his mouth. Harry thought for a second that the elf was going to faint, or worse, start hitting himself with the rolling pin. Right as Harry opened his mouth to prevent whatever Dobby was building up to the excited little elf spoke.
"Is Harry Potter asking Dobby to be his house elf! Dobby has dreamt of this day. He had hoped that the great Harry Potter would have Dobby as his house elf. But never has he thought that it would happen" The small figure screamed eyes trembling with tears.
"No Dobby not my house elf, you are free and should never be a house elf again." Dobby looked like he had been hit with the rolling pin again as he slouched sadly.
Harry quickly said, "But you would work at 12 Grimmauld Place, which is mine, and yes you would be working for me. Harry thought for a second then added, "I promise you that it is very dirty and requires a great deal of work." The tennis ball eyes shimmered with happiness again.
"Harry Potter is the master of this Grimmauld Place?" Dobby said.
"I believe that I am Dobby, at least I have received word so."
"Then Harry Potter is asking Dobby to be his house elf! This is a most wonderful day! Dobby is most pleased to be the house elf of the great Harry Potter." Dobby suddenly lost the glee in his eyes as quickly as it came. "Dobby is forgetting. Dobby must look after Winky, Winky needs him to…cope."
"If Winky would like she may come with you, though I think it may be better if she stays solely at Grimmauld Place. But if it is going to upset her, I think it may better if you and Winky stay at Hogwarts where she is comfortable." Harry said.
"Dobby will go and ask Winky now."
There was a pop and then Dobby was gone. Harry stared unbelievingly at the empty space in front of him. He didn't expect that the house elf would answer him this very moment, and was a little worried because he still had to make the arrangements. He was considering the wisdom of approaching Dobby first when two loud pops shook him from his thoughts.
"Winky is agreeing that she too would like to work for Mister Harry Potter!" Dobby said.
"Winky is here Dobby why don't we let her speak for herself." Turning to the elf Harry asked, "Winky, are you sure that you are ready to leave Hogwarts? I would not ask you to do anything that might endanger your health or happiness." Now four white tennis ball size eyes were staring at Harry. The feeling of having said something terribly wrong was again invading his conscience and was not eased when Winky burst into tears.
"I'm sorry Winky, I'm not trying to pressure you, please take all the time that you need!" This did not help the sobbing house elf. Winky let out another crying moan and Dobby moved to console her. "What did I say Dobby? If I knew that my offer would upset her like this I wouldn't have bothered her."
Dobby looked up from the sobbing Winky shaking his head. "Harry Potter is not upsetting Winky. Winky is crying often, but she is better than before. Winky is still not thinking wizards should talk to house elves like equals."
Harry was starting to feel uncomfortable, it seemed that watching a girl cry at something he said (whether it was human or not) was not a scene he wanted to be around for. "I'm sorry to have bothered you two, maybe I should be going." Harry said.
"Winky would be most honored to work for the great Harry Potter." The sobbing elf creaked. "Most honored."
Dobby looked up, a glint of excitement shown in his eye "When is Dobby and Winky leaving to serve Master Harry Potter?"
"Not until I contact you Dobby, I still have to speak with Professor Lupin and let everyone know about these arrangements. It may be a few days or longer, but I will let you know. Thank you for accepting my offer" Harry pulled his head out of the fireplace and started rubbing his sore knees. He didn't want to wait around for another round of tears in response to the gratitude he extended the elves. He looked around the room to see if he could spot or hear Mrs. Figg. Not seeing her, he decided that he should just leave and not risk upsetting her any further.
Four more days passed by remarkably slower than the previous three had. Even though Harry's mind was still churning over the many things that Sirius had forced him to think about. His inability to act on any of his decisions was frustrating. Hedwig returned on the eve of the second night, she tried to act offended but was easily wooed by Harry into her usual affectionate state.
Harry had also had two more early morning sessions with Dudley. His stocky cousin yet again managed to astound him by using words that had more than two syllables and had done so in a manner that sounded coherent if not downright intelligent. Harry had realized a couple of things during his workouts with his cousin. He realized that being a quiddich player had significantly increased his reflexes and balance. With only a few more pointers from Dudley his footwork and hand speed were giving his cousin a little more challenge than was expected. He also realized that he was kind of soft, both physically and in endurance. Whatever advantage in speed and reach he had over his cousin, Dudley always managed to work around it by wearing Harry down.
Regardless of the fact that Harry was sore in ways he never imagined possible, he was really enjoying what his cousin had to teach him. The two young men had almost come to like each other's presence, and almost made Vernon choke on his food when they started a casual conversation at last night's dinner. Dudley was still a bit of a bully, but he had respect for his craft and wasn't so swift to abuse his power any more. Harry had a few bruises and a split lip that might have convinced someone else otherwise, but he understood that he had to take his knocks as a right of passage and nothing more.
After the fifth day without hearing from Lupin, Harry could wait no longer. He had a solid idea of what he wanted to propose to his friends, and was sure that he would have the means to put these ideas into action. But it all hinged around his first conversation with Lupin. Just so that he could feel as though he was doing something he grabbed a quill and three pieces of parchment and set to writing letters.
Ginny, Hermione, and Ron,
I am sorry that I haven't written to any of you since the start of break. No doubt someone told you that I sent Hedwig away after my third day here. Well I asked for her to be sent back so that I could write you all and let you know that everything is ok. The muggles took Moody's threat very seriously and have all but ignored me, though we have been eating meals together. (Ron close your mouth, yes I'm eating meals with them)
I very much would like to speak with the three of you soon. I have some things we need to discuss and it requires us to be together to do so. I am waiting on Professor Lupin to contact me, as I need to speak with him before we meet.
I'm sure you all have some interesting things to share about the goings on at snuffles place. I'm interested to hear about that, but it's not really important to me anymore. So don't beat yourself up if you can't tell me anything.
Again, I am sorry that I haven't written you all. I needed time to deal with everything. I can't say that I can ever forgive myself for what happened to Snuffles, but he has given me purpose.
I hope all of you are well and are enjoying your summer. Hermione relax and stop worrying about your bloody OWLS. I'll help ease your anxiety…you got O's in every topic, and have now become the first witch in history to score a perfect on every test you've taken in the past five years. Ginny, I trust that you will protect me from Hermione's scoldings when we all finally get together! You're the only Weasley who has the courage to face her!
I miss you all,
Harry Potter
"Here you go girl," Harry said as he tied the three identical letters to the owl's leg. "Now you don't have to rush these, and I want you to deliver Hermione's letter last. You will have to stay with her until she writes back, but don't peck or bother her to respond right away." The owl nipped with a tinge of anger at Harry. "Ouch Hedwig! Listen girl, I'm not sending you to stay with Hermione, it's just she doesn't have an owl and will have to send her response back with you. Don't worry, if I know Hermione she'll write back the moment she gets her letter." The bird accepted this explanation, and rubbed her head against the finger she just nipped. "You be sure to be very careful out there, if anything should happen just drop the letters, there is nothing in them that is worth endangering you." The owl hooted indignantly at this comment, as if she would never consider the idea of relinquishing her parcel. With a chirp goodbye Hedwig was out the window.
Harry watched his white owl fly away and looked over at the clock in his room. Dusk was beginning to set in, but he had only spent an hour writing the three letters. Now he was back to the waiting and thinking game that was mightily testing his patience.
He continued to stare out the window at the familiar site of the neighbor's garden and trees. The birds and other animals of the neighborhood were busily scurrying around for food before the night set in. Again he felt himself drifting into a sedated state. Though his mind was calm, he could sense that his body was alive with energy. He felt a breeze pick up through his open window and the humid air on his skin was electrifying. He could smell so many distinct things on the night's breeze. The sweet sappy scent of the trees, the familiar smell of freshly cut grass, his mind wandered further to the background as his senses took over. He could hear the sound and chirp of every animal outside, each bird and squirrel, Mrs. Figg's cat pouncing on an unsuspecting victim, the breeze picked up once more and it felt paralyzing to Harry. He swore that he heard a voice on the wind, it sounded like it said in a most breezy manner "See".
Suddenly Harry was stricken still. There was no force or blow that held him, but rather the magnitude of what was unfolding in front of his eyes. The beautiful blues, pinks, and purples of the dusk sky merged into a radiant amber. The amber was not a light reflecting from the sun or any other source instead it was emanating, almost as if burning, from every living thing in front of Harry's eyes. He felt his mind jerk, but the hold on him didn't allow the reflex to carry out. He could only stare at the sight in front of him. The burning amber glow of life was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, it filtered into him through his eyes and filled his soul. The world suddenly made sense to him and he watched, witnessing how everything interacted with each other – how it belonged.
The perfection of the system was the only thing more remarkable than the painfully contrasting dead, soulless and flawed look of every house, car, and manufactured item that defiled the new world in his eyes. He could now sense more things around him than he had ever known possible. Instead of feeling the wind against him he felt them as thought they were a part of him. He watched the world live in his eyes, and he realized that if he focused his sight onto one creature, he could sense even more about it. In fact as he stared at Mrs. Figg's cat he could see the burning outline of the cat change color. Now, he could see the cat as it would look "normally" but could also see the burning amber around the cat change to yellow and then red, and then back to amber.
Knock, Knock!
Harry fell backwards onto the floor away from the window just as his bedroom door opened up behind him. The sound of the knock on the door behind him was the most painful intrusion Harry had ever suffered, and the sudden release on his body left him unable to keep himself upright. He snapped his neck around to destroy whatever it was that took him away from his sight, he noticed Dudley's head sticking through the door.
As recognition came over each boy a distinct look shown on their faces that neither were expecting to see. Harry's faced cringed in anger while Dudley's eyes grew wide and his mouth fell open in stark confusion. Just as Harry was about to berate his cousin Dudley spoke up.
"Why are you crying?"
This gave Harry pause. Was he crying? He put his hand to his face and sure enough it was soaked in tears. He didn't feel sad, instead he felt more alive than he ever had in his life. Why was he crying?
"Well, what's the matter?" This was the second time Dudley had interrupted Harry from something he didn't want to leave.
"I…I…I was crying," It sounded more like a question, "um, I was crying…"
"Yes Harry, you were crying, we've figured that out. Why were you crying? You look like your girlfriend break up with you or something."
"My godfather died" It was the first sad thought Harry's mind could create and he regretted saying it aloud as soon as the words left his mouth.
"Oh...well…um mum's got dinner ready downstairs if you're in the mood to eat." Dudley wasn't good at dealing with crying people. Most of the time they were crying because he was causing it, and when he wasn't the source of the tears the only thing he knew to do was walk away.
After Dudley left the room, Harry got to his feet and looked back out the window. It was nearly dark know, and all he saw out the window were the midnight blue-green colors of the trees and plants in the fading evening light. He looked over at the clock as he turned to leave his room and his mouth fell open when he realized it had been two and half hours since he had sent Hedwig off. "What is happening to me?" It was all he could think as his feet led him downstairs to the dinner table.
AN: It took a few days for me to post this chapter; hope the wait was worth it. Then again the fact that it was only a few days let's you know how much wait I think you'll stand for and still think it was worth it.
If you're up for it, I would like to hear what you think about Harry's visions. They're pretty important to the story, and every time I write them I feel like I'm not doing them justice. My beta thought they were a bit too verbose, so I cut them down quite a bit. Just wondering if others agree with her.
I want to thank all of those who reviewed. I really like it when author's respond to my reviews, but I don't like when they throw my name on a list and just say thanks. Therefore, I'll just say thanks to all for now. I check my mail every day for reviews so don't think yours will go unread. I'll also make sure to answer any questions you may have should you post them in a review.
By the way, I also don't like long author notes so I promise to keep mine to a minimum (as this one is really long).