Chapter Twelve

Kagome lay awake for hours staring at the ceiling. The couch she lay on was a beautiful piece of furniture but, not particularly comfortable. Its leather upholstery creaked in protest every time she tossed and turned. However, it was not her discomfort that kept her from slumber. Guilt and sorrow plagued the depths of her soul.

She had spent the last seventeen years wishing that Mitsukai were someone else's problem. The reality of that stung her soul. It was not that she did not love her daughter. Her affections did not change the simple truth. Her life would have been easier had Mitsukai not been born. Been so much simpler had she gone through with the abortion, her family had encouraged her to receive.

She had only been fifteen and none would agree that she was old enough to become a mother. The realization, that no one would have blamed her offered little comfort. After all what right did she have to snuff the life of a child whose only crime would be to born not human?

Her pregnancy had lasted ten months and to say it was difficult would have been a gross understatement. Youki and miko powers clashed. Kagome's abilities merely sensed a powerful youki and reacted violently. The unborn Mitsukai proved to be stronger and all but exorcised the invasive holy power. The holy energies that once ebbed and flowed through so freely through Kagome's body had been forced into dormancy. Eventually most of her powers had returned, but never to their former strength.

Because of Mitsukai, she had been weakened, so much that she could no longer purify the Shikon no Tama. Though in her heart she knew that her daughter was not fully to blame. Kikyou had said that in order to purify the jewel, one must be pure and free of worldly concerns. Kagome was now lacking in both respects. 'But, it's not Mitsukai's fault,' she would reminded herself over the years. 'It's only.'

"Mine," Kagome whispered aloud as she blinked up at the ceiling.

Light from the street poured in through tasteful lace curtains hung and illuminated the room in a soft glow. Kagome sat up and bent her legs so that she could rest her chin on her knees. Ultimately she was the cause of Inuyasha's insanity, and her friend's deaths. Inuyasha lost his life as well. She shivered and squeezed her eyes she as relived the memory.

She had stood behind Sesshoumaru that day. She had held Tessaiga in a white knuckled grasp and watched the battle unfold. She was to give the sword to the youkai Inuyasha once he had been subdued. She had been furious that the taiyoukai had forced Toutousai to dispel the wards. Angry, thinking falsely that he was gloating that he finally receive the coveted sword. That is until; she realized Sesshoumaru's intention. The taiyoukai believed with the wards gone, Inuyasha could once again wield the blade and the fury that gripped him would relinquish its hold.

The battle that followed had been long and bloody. Inuyasha seemed to have had lost all ability to feel pain as he lunged at Sesshoumaru despite the vicious wounds dealt to his body. Despite Inuyasha's newfound power, he still proved to be no match for his elder brother. The hanyou turned youkai had been eventually worn down and huddled against the Goshinboku panting, as a trickle of blood escaped his lips.

Sesshoumaru had stared at his brother for a long moment and then stated coldly, "Give him the sword."

Tessaiga fell from her hands before she knew she had released it and she lifted her bow. 'Inuyasha is already dead,' was the thought that had played in her mind as she notched her bow. 'His soul was consumed by the jewel. Only his body lives.'

The faces of her friends flashed through her mind as well as the knowledge of their deaths. Inuyasha in his rage had slaughtered them. He would not have, had it not been for her careless mistake. Inuyasha would never have forgiven himself for their deaths. The arrow flew from her bow without a second thought, striking Inuyasha in heart, purifying him to nothing. He was dead, and his soul free, but nothing could chase the imprint of his visage from her mind. The split second before her arrow had struck, his blood red eyes returned to their usual molten gold.

She breathed uneasily for a few moments before opening her eyes. Kagome rose from the couch and tiptoed quietly to the room in which her daughter slumbered. The door was cracked just slightly and she gave it a gentle shove so that it would completely open. The room beyond was near pitch black in its darkness. Mitsukai lie in the center of that blackness, her pale hair and skin illuminated seemingly by its own inner light.

Kagome bit her lip and exhaled. When she returned home and found Mitsukai gone, she had been more frightened than she had ever been. Her past mistakes began to well up inside her, she had never loved Mitsukai enough, never told her just how precious she was to her. It was then she realized, that though she had intended to do her best for her child, she had not always. She had neglected her, emotionally abandoned her and at times been cruel. Despite everything Mitsukai always loved her, although she was not deserving of that love.

There was a presence behind, powerful and soothing. She did not have to turn around to guess the person's identity.

"I'm sorry," she began nervously. "I just wanted to check on her.

Strong arms wrapped around her waist and his chin rested lightly on her head. Kagome sighed and hugged his arms with her own. It was moments such as these in which she could almost convince herself she loved him.

"She's so beautiful," Kagome whispered softly and smiled, her eyes shining with unshed tears. "And we made her."

Sesshoumaru pressed a light kiss to her cheek and whispered near her ear, "Yes."

Kagome turned her head so she could gently press her mouth to his. He remained unresponsive against her lips but did not pull away. She shifted in his embrace so that she was facing him and slid her arms around his neck.

"Why do you even love me?" she whispered despondently into his chest, silently pleased when he began to stroke her hair.

He remained silently and unmoving for a moment thinking. It was something he had pondered over the centuries since their parting. His love for her was illogical, but never the less unwavering. He pulled her flush with his chest before lifting her by the backs of her thighs until she was eye level. He looked into her eyes, knowing full well she could not see him and spoke the truth, as he knew it, "You are the strongest woman, I have ever known."

Kagome laughed and the sound was bitter. "I'm not strong," she whispered sadly as she pressed her forehead to his. "I'm weak, pathetic and make mistakes that cost people their lives." Her sadness became, despair tinged bitterness.

"You will stop blaming yourself," he commanded sharply and without putting her down turned towards his room.

He walked quickly down the darkened hallway and into his bedroom. Kagome sagged into his embrace and the scent of her tears filled his senses.

"It is my fault," she insisted, and struggled to be put down. He silently complied and closed his bedroom door. "If I hadn't given him the jewel," she murmured, her voice sounding tight as if she were trying her best not to cry.

Sesshoumaru said nothing and moved to lean against the door, preventing her from leaving should she try. There were matters that demanded addressing. He crossed his arms over his chest and watched Kagome as she wrung her hands and paced.

"Inuyasha is as much to blame as you are," he stated flatly, inciting an outraged glare from Kagome. He was past weary of this little melodrama. "Yes, you gave him the jewel. And yes, perhaps you should have known it was not fully purified," he conceded, watching her pale and tears pour down her face.

When next he spoke, his voice was soft and colored with anger, "But you did not force him to use that damn jewel!"

Kagome interrupted with a gasp and shook her head before saying, "But, I knew.."

Sesshoumaru interrupted her and continued the thought he had wanted to reveal for longer than he could remember, "Knew what? That he was so bitter and insecure, that he was willing to risk his soul?"

Bitter rage filled Kagome's soul and spun towards him "How could he have been anything but, insecure," she spat in outrage and stalked towards him. "No one would fully accept him as a hanyou. Not even his own family."

Sesshoumaru 'hmphed' before replying in his most bored of tones, "How could he expect anyone to accept him, when he would not even accept himself?"

Kagome turned from him abruptly and hugged herself. She squeezed her eyes shut, pressing the tears from her eyes. Sesshoumaru sighed and when he next spoke his voice was soft, filled with something that could almost be called compassion,

"Did you and your friends accept him for what he was?"

A choked sob and weak shake of head was his answer. He paused, wondering if he should voice his next though, but he needed to prove his point. "And yet," he began gently and placed his hands lightly on her shoulders. "Even with your acceptance and your love, he still chose to use the jewel."

Kagome's shoulders shook with the strength of her sobs. Sesshoumaru turned her so that she was facing him and gripped her chin lightly with one hand. "I perhaps, regret that Inuyasha and my relationship, was less than ideal," he began just loud enough to be heard over her crying. "But I regret nothing that happened."

"You're happy he's dead? Even after you tried so hard to save him?" she asked with pain in her voice. She wiped her tears away with the heel of her hand and stared into his golden eyes.

Sesshoumaru tipped his head down and kissed her eyelids and mouth lightly. His hands slid down her arms and circled around her back as he pulled her close. "I am grateful to have a daughter," he stated sincerely and placed a kiss on her forehead before releasing her.

Kagome smiled faintly and took a step back. From, Sesshoumaru's words alone, it was apparent, that Mitsukai was not just an heir to him, or a means to gain power. He loved their child. The realization warmed her but also filled her with worry. She was uncertain what his reaction would be, once she revealed the reason for Mitsukai's lack of human heritage.

"Inuyasha's wish didn't just affect himself," she began slowly and looked away unable to bear the weight of his stare. She glanced back at him briefly and found him regarding her with a curious expression. She took a deep breath and combed her fingers through her hair. "He wished that my children would be born full youkai. He didn't want our kids, mine and his, to go through what he did," she whispered softly and without emotion. She paused for a moment and balled her hands into fists. When she next spoke her words were heated and filled with anger, "He had no right make that decision for us, for them. He stole her humanity!"

"The jewel was still corrupted when he made this wish," Sesshoumaru stated ignoring her outburst for the moment. He knew the answer and it filled him with dread. His stomach twisted without warning and he felt vaguely ill.

Kagome nodded and a choked sob escaped her lips. "I'm so scared, Sesshoumaru," she gasped and flung herself into his arms. "I afraid something horrible will to happen to her."

Sesshoumaru tightened his embrace around Kagome and his face contorted into a scowl. He did something he had not done in over five hundred years, cursed his brother's very existence. "I will protect her," he stated unequivocally. The conviction in his voice was indisputable.

His tone caused a small smile to form on her trembling lips. She felt unbelievably tired, but at the same time relieved. It was as if a pressing weight had been lifted from her soul. Kagome shifted in his embrace, signaling she wanted to be released. Once Sesshoumaru had released her, she walked over to his bed.

She gazed at him with pleading eyes before sitting down on his bed. "Can..Can you just hold me?" she asked brokenly, silently praying he would agree. She blushed and looked away as she added, "We don't have to do anything else. I..I just need you to hold me, please?"

Sesshoumaru said nothing and Kagome, much to her despair thought he had refused. Then she was lowered gently to the bed and enveloped in warm arms. She turned to her side and pressed open-mouthed butterfly kisses to his neck and jaw. She then laid her head on his chest and listened to the beating of his heart. The rhythm was fast, too fast to be human, beating like a caged bird. She allowed her eyes to drift shut while listening to that calming rhythm. "Sesshoumaru," she said without opening her eyes. His fingertips trailing lightly down her cheek was the indication that he heard. "I think Mitsukai should stay here with you."

Sesshoumaru frowned at her statement. This was something that had already been decided.

"I want to be able to see her though," she demanded in a soft tone. "Anytime I want."

"It was never my intent to take her fully from you. And you are welcomed to stay here as well," he offered flatly and he pulled loose the bedding in order to cover them.

"I know," she whispered. "But I can't.. I just..."

Kagome shook her head and snuggled against him, "I'm just really tired. Can we talk about it in the morning?"

"Alright," Sesshoumaru relented and pulled her closer. "Juri will be here in the morning to look in on Mitsukai," he informed offhandedly.

Kagome smiled sleepily. "Are all your servants women?" she asked teasingly.

"No," he said simply, wondering why exactly it mattered. "Why do."

His question was interrupted by the sound of Kagome's even breathing. She had fallen asleep, contently in his arms. It was at that moment he realized for the thousandth time in his long existence, that he could not stop loving her if he tried. Nothing mattered other than protecting Kagome and Mitsukai. He would sooner die than allow anything to happen to either of them.