Author's Note: Replies to reviews at the end. (Just so you have a chance of reading through it all before you find out… hint hint)
And here we go again:
A Long Expected Departure
The Stargate dials and opens (Kawoosh again). The Fellowship of the Ankh step through, and look around, finding themselves at the foot of a mountain range. As one, everyone looks up… and up… and up, trying to find the peak of Caradhras. They reach the clouds, and then stop trying. Jack shrugs.
O'Neill: Well, we weren't going that way anyway. Were we?
Teal'c: I believe the necessary route passes through Moria.
There is a brief pause, and then everyone with any knowledge of the plot of Lord of the Rings – ie, everyone except Jonas – looks at General Hammond.
Hammond: We'll cross that Bridge when we come to it.
O'Neill simply shakes his head, as though saying that nobody except him can make good jokes.
In a neat, film-like scene change, the group are now standing outside Moria's gates. They gather directly in front of the blank stone space, and Sam points at the gates. Right on cue, the moon comes out from behind the clouds, and the gates are stylishly revealed (with much CGI and special effects lighting).
Sam: Anybody remember the password?
Dead silence ensues for a moment as everyone looks thoughtful, then Daniel blinks.
Daniel: Oh, I… uh… brought the book with me.
Hammond: As a matter of fact, Dr. Jackson, we won't be needing it yet. The password is "mellon".
The gates promptly swing open while O'Neill mouths "Melon?" He then leads the way in, turning on the torch on his gun.
O'Neill: Follow the yellow brick road…
Sam: Wrong book, sir.
They all file in, Teal'c last. Realising that its prey is escaping early, the Watcher in the Water surges out of the lake and grabs at the Fellowship. Teal'c, who has been expecting this, (Like Star Wars, he's seen the films nine times) simply turns and shoots it in the face with his staff weapon. It collapses back into the water with a whimper, and the jaffa smiles slightly in a satisfied way before following the others into the mines. The doors swing shut behind them.
Much later, the group pause for a quick break in Balin's tomb. Pointedly staying well away from the skeleton-and-bucket by the well, they pass round Daniel's copy of The Lord of the Rings, and Hammond dutifully inspects the 'Miners' Diary', as it were.
Jonas takes a good look at the runes on Balin's tombstone, blowing the dust away. Davis promptly sneezes loudly, and everyone freezes.
Jonas and Davis: (in perfect unison) Sorry…
Hammond puts the book back down as Daniel packs away The Lord of the Rings and fetches out a zat gun. Everyone else checks their various weapons, and faces the door. Sam and Teal'c shut and lock it as the first drumbeats sound. McKay cowers behind everyone else.
The doors begin to crack under the axes of the goblins, and Sam successfully shoots through one of the first holes, killing a goblin with one very well aimed bullet. Finally, the doors break open, and the goblins rush in. With the combined gunfire, staff-blasts and zat-blasts, none of them make it more than two metres in. However, they keep coming, and bring in their cave-troll. Teal'c calmly sends three staff-blasts at its head, and it collapses on top of its keepers. Janet finishes the last goblin with a double-zat blast, and then they move on again.
Jogging through the huge Halls of Moria, the group are promptly surrounded by more goblins. Knowing how the film goes, nobody bothers to raise a gun, and the creatures disperse when the special effects kick in with huge drumbeats and glowing orange lights.
O'Neill: See you around, General.
Hammond: I certainly hope so.
The group run on and cross the Bridge of Khazad-Dum, turning afterwards for Sam to switch to a sniper-rifle and take out the goblins lining the cavern walls. Hammond stops halfway across the Bridge, and enables the portable shield he brought with him (adapted by the Tok'ra from specifications supplied by an ex-bounty hunter…). The balrog turns up, and attacks, but is repulsed by the red shield. Finally, the massive creature steps onto the bridge, and promptly breaks it. Hammond's shield flickers and dies, just in time for the Balrog's whip to come swirling back out of the chasm. However, Hammond dodges it, and only falls into the abyss due to the narrowness of the bridge, and the simple fact that sidestepping doesn't work if there's nothing to step sideways onto.
Author's Note:
Not as good as the other one, but it's there. Anyway… Lothlorien next. And soon, precious, we'll meet Gollum. Oh, you'll kill me when you read that.
Heh heh heh!