October 18, 1977

I want to know how it is that Anne, who has been out of my life for a month now, has managed to make this difficult for me. I keep walking out into the common room and the conversation stops. I don't even want to know what she's saying. Maybe I could ask one of the boys to find out for me.

At least the Anne situation has taken precedence over the James situation.

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October 19, 1977

I asked McGonagall how I'm doing in all my classes. I'm getting top marks in Potions. This comes as a complete surprise to me. It's all encouraging. I'm not doing as badly as I thought in Transfiguration and my Charms grade makes me smile. Of course I'm failing History of Magic, but I spend that class doing other homework or passing notes to ex-friends, so that isn't a surprise. I love not being stupid.

I got called a Mudblood for the first time this year. Of course by Slytherins. I know it's supposed to be an insult, but after seven years of hearing it, it doesn't do much to me. It's just strange to be hated by Petunia for being a witch and hated by others because my parents aren't. James happened to hear and tried to blame it on Severus. I was able to convince him not to do anything. I never thought I'd be flattered by that. I don't think I would be, expect it's the first time he's done it since I realized he fancies me and he's done it several times before.

As for the Anne thing, I'm not letting it bother me. The Boyfriend will leave and she'll come crying to me. Bet on it.

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October 22, 1977

A week from right now I'll be on a date with James Potter. Good Lord.

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October 25, 1977

I must be absolutely barking. I found myself planning out what to wear on Saturday. I just need to keep telling myself that James Potter is not worth my time, and I'm only going on this date because

I have no idea.

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October 26, 1977

James found me at breakfast to make sure I hadn't changed my mind. He gave me a way out. AND I DIDN'T TAKE IT. He gave me the biggest smile, too, when I said I would still go. All right, maybe he's a little cute.

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October 27, 1977

Anne seems to be talking to me again. I wonder if The Boyfriend is clearing out already.

Passed my Trans. test with flying colors. Yes!

I'm actually a bit excited for my date with James. Maybe not excited. Nervous? Anxious? I don't know. Jane says if it goes horribly wrong I can just cut out early and find her so I don't feel obligated to stay with James. I love Jane.

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October 28, 1977

I'm back. And I had a great time.

We met at the gates, and none of his friends were with him, so I felt a little bad for having Jane see me off. At first it was as if we didn't know what to say to each other, and then he asked about the Transfiguration test and we didn't stop talking. We did the normal things, like going into Zonko's and he bought me a butterbeer, but mostly we just talked. I don't know that I've ever really talked to him before. It's nice. He really is pretty intelligent, and he's nicer than I expected. He opened doors and held out chairs for me, which was unnecessary but kind of sweet. He tried so hard to impress me.

Then the crisis came. I was in the Three Broomsticks with James when Anne came over, crying. The Boyfriend broke up with her. James offered to take care of him for her. I'm not sure if he was serious, but it almost made her smile. He didn't seem offended when I cut the date short because Anne was crying all over me. He wanted to stay with me, but when she went on her "men are evil pigs" rant, he did the smart thing and left. Eventually Jane came in with Maggie and Mary, and then she yelled at me for letting James go. She took over consoling Anne and practically pushed me out the door. I am not joking about that.

So I actually SOUGHT JAMES OUT. To continue the date. He kept asking if I was sure, but to be honest, I'd rather be with him than be cried on by a friend who spread rumors about me. I asked what happened to bring about this change in him. He wouldn't tell me the story, but said that there had been a situation with his friends last year where he had to play the mediator for months on end and couldn't act twelve anymore. He also said he knew he would never get anywhere with me if he kept acting like that.

I think he was going to kiss me good night when we got back to school, but since he'd been Mr. Chivalry all day, he didn't. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I don't think I would have stopped him if he tried.

I want to tell Jane all about it, but I don't want to seem insensitive. Anne's boyfriend did just break up with her, after all. Oh, look, apparently I'm gifted at Divination! I'm done being nasty now.

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October 29, 1977

I almost sat by James at breakfast. I didn't because of Anne, but I could have. He and I kept exchanging smiles all morning. I don't want to like him. I really don't. But then I get all warm in the face and butterflies are starting to colonize in my stomach. (Do butterflies colonize?) Right, so he's not perfect, but I did have a good time with him yesterday and I'd like to do it again. It's so weird to see those words written in my handwriting. He just wasn't what I expected. I expected to have a horrible date with a right berk and that didn't happen. Yes, he was on his best behavior, but that's probably because he likes me and doesn't want to mess it all up. I don't want him to mess it up.

I haven't been able to talk to Jane yet because Anne keeps going into random hysterics. She'll be fine and then burst into tears. I know Jane wants to talk, though. Hopefully I can snag her for half an hour or so to be girly and happy.

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October 30, 1977

I finally got to talk to Jane by grabbing her while Anne was getting ready for bed, and dragged her down to the prefect's bathroom for privacy. (We apologized to the poor Hufflepuff prefect that was in the bath at the time.) I told her the whole story, though not the answers to the questions I asked him. She asked if I like him and it felt like it took me a year to say yes, maybe I do. Jane started squeaking. Apparently she has been hoping James would get through to me since fifth year. She started calling him my boyfriend, but he's not. It was one date (half, really, with Anne and all), I didn't kiss him, and I have somehow managed not to talk to him for an entire day (consoling Anne). The prefect agreed with me. Then he asked us to leave.

...later...

I have finally spoken with James. He wasn't sure if Anne would react violently at his presence, so he stayed away. I told him I had a great time because I did, and he looked so happy about it. He smiles a lot. He's going to have such deep laugh lines when he gets older. I asked him why me. I mean, he's Head Boy, he's a Quidditch star, he's popular... He doesn't need to worry about some girl who's spent five years or so insulting him. He didn't really have an answer, so he said he liked a challenge. I said would he lose interest now that I'm not a challenge and he said, "Are you no longer a challenge?" Damn him. He moved like he was going to kiss me, but I said goodbye. Ha.

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October 31, 1977

He waved me over to sit with him at lunch today. It was a bit strange. Jane kind of shoved me over so she, Anne and Diana didn't have to go with me. (Which is good, because Diana has the most sickening crush on Sirius and I don't think he even notices. Plus Anne also slapped Sirius yesterday. He insists he didn't say anything to warrant that, and for once I believe him. Our girl's been a little sensitive.)

I've been in school with these boys for seven years, but the only one I know fairly well is Remus. Until recently I would have rathered hit James than date him, Sirius Black is an annoying prat, and that Pettigrew is just creepy. But I sat with them and of course Sirius teased us. It's kind of impressive, how all James has to do is say the word and Sirius will stop. Maybe James is the Godfather and he hasn't told me yet. But it wasn't bad. When he's not doing something priggish, Sirius can actually be quite charming. Also, they're all completely different when it's just them, and I think I should take it as a compliment that none of them (besides maybe James) seemed to be trying with me around. I don't think I can bring James over to my end of the table, though. Not until Anne has calmed down a bit.

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November 2, 1977 (technically, as it's 1:23 am)

He kissed me.

We're doing this flirting thing, even in class when we can't talk. He switched seats today in Transfiguration. He was sitting in front of Sirius rather than beside him, so I took the empty seat next to him. Jane didn't mind sitting next to one of the smartest boys in school. I know it hasn't hurt me at all.

Anyway, he walked me to my classes, and then he went off to Quidditch practice. He asked if I wanted to watch, but I feel like I've been neglecting Anne and Jane the last week. He bent to kiss me- then turned his head and got my cheek. I could have killed him. I yelled "Tease!" at him as he left, and he turned back and gave me the BEST smile. Then I spent the next couple hours wondering if he was insulted that I didn't kiss him that one day and did he even want to kiss me and all that.

Spent some time with Jane and Anne, who still seems depressed. I don't know how long she should go through this, since she was only with Paul for a month. I shouldn't say that. I just spent a good long time being upset that I didn't get a kiss. She's getting better, though. She's starting to refer to Paul as well, let's just say it's a colorful obscenity that I think she might have made part of it up, and she gets angry if we don't call him the same.

James came back to the common room after practice and sat with his friends right near us. At about curfew time, people started going up to the dorms. I lost Jane and Anne, so I sat with James. I don't know that his friends were all that comfortable with that. I know Peter wasn't. It got to the point where James and I were both getting tired, I think, but neither of us wanted to be the one to leave first. Eventually Sirius got the hint and they all left. Finally.

There were still people around, so I just sat next to him with his arm around me. You know I didn't even realize he hasn't been calling me anything until he called me Lily. Usually it's Evans. Then everyone else was gone and he kissed me. About bloody time.

I need to wake Jane up. I have to tell her all about this.

...later...

I don't think Jane appreciated being woken up at 2 am, but she listened and squealed and went back to sleep.

...later...

We really got to talk this morning while Anne was in the shower. I don't know if James is my boyfriend, but I wouldn't mind if he was. (For the record? Very good kisser.) I asked Jane to kill me should I ever get like Anne, which is of course the precise moment Anne walked back into the room. She didn't say anything, but I'm sure a row is to follow.

...later...

The row followed! I swear I am psychic. Anne pulled me aside and said that she hadn't wanted to say anything, but she's worried about me and doesn't want me to throw everything away for someone who's only going to break my heart. I didn't mean to go off on her. No, I take that back. Yes, I did. I told her she was the one who abandoned all of us for Paul and now loves us again, and I'm doing everything I can to make sure I'm not like that. Besides, Jane warned her about Paul. Anne isn't concerned James is going to hurt me. I think it just hurts her to see me maybe potentially with someone. What should I do, tell him I really like him but the timing is off? I can't go out with him because my friend's boyfriend didn't want to be with her anymore? That's stupid. If Jane or someone said something about James, I'd consider it. I wouldn't break up with him because they told me to. But Anne's not herself just yet and NO.

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November 4, 1977

There is a little problem with Hogwarts. It's a large school full of teenagers. You see where I'm going with this. For the last... two years or so, it hasn't been uncommon to walk in on things you wish you never would have seen. I think that's what happens when you're cooped up too long together. A date in Hogsmeade isn't enough, so you just find way to entertain each other.

That all being said, I'm very nearly dating James Potter. It's not like we've done more than kiss (twice), but thoughts still enter my mind. Especially at 10 pm when he grabs me and drags me out of the common room. He's got an invisibility cloak! I'm pretty sure we're not supposed to have those. I'd never been under one before, but it was distracting because he was RIGHT THERE and I had no idea what he was planning. When did he become distracting to me? There's a part of me that thinks "I am the Head Girl. I should not be sneaking around the halls under invisibility cloaks, staying out long past curfew, hiding out in secret rooms to snog the Head Boy." Did I say I've only kissed him twice? I lied. That was before today.

It's very strange to have no idea what's happening here. It's not like I'm new to kissing or anything, though this possible boyfriend thing is new. And I never expected it would be James. I don't even know how to describe what it's like with him. It doesn't feel like it's really happening. Especially while it's HAPPENING, which I think makes it easier for me to believe that I'm supposed to be sneaking off like I did last night.

All we did was kiss and talk, anyway (mutually deciding that our second date took place in some dank room under Hogwarts, just because we like the way it sounds). More talking than kissing. I think. When I asked what this meant, exactly what we are, he said we can be whatever I want to be. I'll have to get back to him on that.

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November 6, 1977

I don't know why I was so worried about my grades. Really, I'm brilliant.

I think Jane yelled at Anne, because now she's being disturbingly nice to me. It's a little irritating, actually. I also talked with Jane again, saying that if I start undergoing any weird personality changes, just kill me. She says I seem happier.

I'm trying not to spend an absurd amount of time with James, but it seems to be going that way. I've been sitting with him at meals (or I was when Anne was still giving me the stink eye) and while I get one or two looks from Sirius, it's going well. Peter's surprisingly sweet once you get to know him. And given that James almost always has his arm around me (all right, so that's a bit possessive), the whole school seems to know something's going on. I think even Dumbledore knows something's going on, which is... yeah.

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November 8, 1977

James is completely my boyfriend. He just is. Two dates, one of which was half a late-night snogging session, I sit with him, I walk with him... He's my boyfriend. I want to introduce him as that, though. When he's least expecting it. I can't just say "You're my boyfriend now." Plus, I'd love to shock him.

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November 11, 1977

Today's my birthday! I love birthdays. My parents sent me that book I've been hinting at since July, and of course I got a bouquet of lilies. It's tradition. It's hokey, yes, but that's all right. I love my parents.

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November 12, 1977

I think I could end up loving James.

The day was completely hectic, and I didn't even get to see him until Charms, where he gave me a present. A gold necklace with my birthstone as the pendant. REAL gold. I forget that his family has money. Of course I told him I couldn't take it, but the man is stubborn. Apparently he bought it while I was helping Anne in Hogsmeade. He thinks ahead.

Overall it was an okay day until Peeves started juggling candles over the heads of a group of fourth years. I had to go track down the bloody Bloody Baron to deal with him. I went back to the common room and found out that Sirius had made a deal with Peeves to keep me out of there for a while so they could set up my surprise party. Of course it was orchestrated by James, because he's James. And it was the BEST party. How could it not be? After all, I learned when Sirius gets drunk, he tends to sing. Badly. Peter and Jane both tried to say I started singing "Yellow Submarine" badly and Sirius chimed in singing, but the only lyrics he knew where "We all live in a yellow submarine," and that was after I sang them. I did not do that! Yes, I had a little to drink, seeing as how it was MY birthday and James said he would be both Head Boy and Girl. I don't think Sirius will ever let him live that down. I do know that while VERY slightly tipsy, I did publicly declare James my boyfriend. Oh, well. It did shock him. A little.

It amazes me that he did this for me. Yes, I know, the poor fourth years, but he meant well, and I had a wonderful time. I've never had a surprise party thrown for me, and he put so much effort into it. Remus and Jane both insist it was all James. It's not like I'm not used to having people care about me, it's just that this is different.

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November 14, 1977

Anne and I had a very nice, civil conversation today. Neither of us apologized and I don't think either of us will, but it's a start.

Something she said just makes me sad, though. She brought up Petunia and the walrus, and I started thinking. Anne has an older sister who's married and has a baby, and Anne has pictures of them all over her wall. I'm never going to have that kind of relationship with Petunia. She's always going to hate me. Mum said eventually it would pass and we'd get along. I don't think that will happen. Petunia HATES me. She didn't like me much as a child and finding out I was a witch just put her over the edge. I used to wonder what I did wrong, but I think basically it was that I was born, and I couldn't help that.

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November 16, 1977

James has been at practice a lot. I think I got used to hanging around with him. I feel clingy now. That will STOP.

Classes are wonderful. Maybe my troubles were all psychosomatic. All the "know what you want to do NOW!" pressure. I don't know why I don't feel it now, but even my Transfiguration marks are much, much better.

I ended up studying with Remus in the library for a while. I wonder if it's odd that I'm starting to really like his friends. Anne used to complain about Paul's friends all the time. Even Sirius isn't that bad once you get to know him.

-----

November 17, 1977

We won our first Quidditch game this year!

I felt so horribly girlfriendy in the stands, watching. I like Quidditch fine, but I've never been able to get involved. So I watch James now. He really is incredibly talented. He's so focused and it looks like he's having the time of his life when he's up there. And he looks good playing. How did I not used to think he was cute?

I have to admit that I might have been a little jealous with the way some of the girls were looking at him, but it goes away when the game is over and he looks straight at me.

-----

November 22, 1977

I told my parents about James, and now my mum keeps telling me to BE CAREFUL. All I've done is kiss him, and not even as often as I would like. No need to worry. I wonder what Petunia said, if she even read it.

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November 24, 1977

I keep meaning to ask exactly where James and his gang go all the time. I've known for a while that they sneak out on a regular basis. It's not that I want an invitation or anything. I'm not sure I'd want to be involved. I'm just curious.

I feel like I'm neglecting my friends. They say I'm not and they want to hear all about James, but if I'm with him I'll catch Glances from them. And if he comes by me, we both feel like they feel he's intruding. What am I supposed to do, cast a spell to double myself so I can spend time with everyone? (I could look into it. Restricted section, I bet.) James' friends aren't like this toward me. I have noticed that I'll get a look from Sirius every now and then, but he and James are so close. I'm taking away some of their time together. Otherwise I think Sirius likes me all right. I wonder if James would like me if Sirius didn't.

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November 25, 1977

Something is definitely going on. The boys spent the morning in the hospital wing because Remus got hurt or something, and they won't say what happened. This worries me. I shouldn't be shocked that whatever they do is dangerous, but really, the hospital wing?? James didn't seem to appreciate my asking.

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November 26, 1977

James and I had our first fight. I probably shouldn't have pressed him so hard about what happened the other day, but I tried to explain that I was worried. He said I never had to worry about him and I kind of threw in his face how he thinks he is king around here and can't get into any trouble. Which I shouldn't have said, but it's true! He doesn't think he can do anything wrong. He'll smile and crack a joke and he thinks it will get him out of trouble every time. Well, whatever happened, Remus looks pretty bad. His arms are all scratched up and it looks like some animal did it. I don't know if they're going around in the Forbidden Forest or what (Lord only knows what Hagrid keeps in there), but when I look at Remus, I can't not worry. Whatever did that isn't going to be taken in by James being charming. He doesn't want me telling him what to do, which I'm not trying to do, but. Boys are stupid. There, I made it simple.

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November 27, 1977

I was more bothered by the fight than I thought, so I was the one to end it. We had a talk and cleared things up. He still won't tell me what happened, says it's personal and he can't, so I explained that I just don't want to see any of them get hurt. James insists he won't, but I don't think this is the last time we're going to have this fight.