November 29, 1977

I don't think I can date James anymore. He says he's "not a Beatles fan." Sacrilege. I did however introduce Sirius to some of it, and now he loves me.

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November 30, 1977

I was up till three last night. Jane, Anne, Diana and I stayed up most of the night gossiping. I don't even remember how it started, but it was a lot of fun. We also learned quite a few things about Paul Davies we didn't know before. I'm so glad Anne is doing better. She's much more fun this way.

I'm in the middle of history's worst Potions assignment. We have to research what ingredients would be needed to make a potion that would heal wounds on contact, and then we have to put it to the test in class. I'm failing this assignment. I found what I think is the right potion, but I don't have the slightest clue how to get the ingredients, which means I'm doing it wrong. It's such a part of my grade that if I do badly, my entire grade will go down.

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December 2, 1977

I passed the Potions project. I am brilliant.

I'm starting to get itchy about going home for the hols. I want to see my parents, but it's also two weeks without James. It's not that I won't survive it, it's just that I know it will be strange. Especially since I can say now that there will be scrutiny involved. Maybe it's because I'm at boarding school, and that's why they're so worried. Thank God he doesn't have a criminal record (that I know of).

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December 4, 1977

There was a Death Eater attack overnight. Three families in one town were killed, the Dark Mark over their houses. They were apparently very anti-You-Know-Who, but people were panicked that they were starting to attack Muggle households. I have to admit, I'm worried about that. He's so against Muggle-born witches and wizards, it's probably only a matter of time before he starts going after families like mine. I asked Dumbledore how high he thought the threat was, and he said that he had informed our families of what was going on. He didn't exactly answer my question. Though I am glad he told them. I wouldn't have wanted to have to tell my family that they might be in danger. Petunia really would never speak to me again.

I wish I could do something about it. I hate being afraid and having to just sit here, hoping my family isn't killed in their sleep. I can't believe I have to have thoughts like that.

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December 5, 1977

I had an odd conversation with James. I told him that I had spoken with Dumbledore and he seemed really interested. I also said that I wanted to do something about it, and he says he does, too, but that he has to wait until leaving Hogwarts before he can really do anything. He wouldn't tell me everything, just that it's something he's heard about through family friends that could possibly change the way things are going. I yelled at him for speaking in riddles. He asked if I was serious about doing something to help, and of course I said yes. I don't know how anyone could sit back and let this kind of thing happen. I hate when he gets secretive like this.

He also asked if I wanted to maybe visit a bit over the holidays. I'm going to talk to my parents about it, but I'd love to go for a day or so (I know they wouldn't let me stay overnight).

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December 7, 1977

Well, the holiday situation is getting needlessly complicated. My parents replied quickly, saying that if I was even considering going to the Potters', they had to meet James first. Now it's a matter of juggling schedules and trying to figure out when we can do this. James seemed okay about the idea, but I'm wary. This means he has to meet Petunia. I really hope that doesn't change his opinion of me. Not that Petunia and I are anything alike, but she can be really cruel about me to other people. I can't see her accepting a wizard in the house, either. Of course if she gets really bad, we can tell her about his whole family is full of wizards and see how pale she turns. Ha ha.

Jane says this whole thing makes it sound like we're really serious. I don't know if we are. I really like him, but we've only been together six weeks or so, so I won't say anything.

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December 8, 1977

Some days the Slytherins worry me. After the Death Eaters the other day, they're the only ones that don't seem the least bit afraid. There was some sort of fight between Sirius and his little brother that got them both stuck in separate detentions because they got violent about it. I was surprised that Sirius actually told me about how his family is pureblood and while they don't exactly support You-Know-Who (which is silly, I hate writing out all the hyphens and I won't do it anymore) they're not against him, either. I'm going to be a little more impressed now that he ended up in Gryffindor.

Which reminds me, we may have figured out the visiting situation. His family doesn't do anything for Christmas Eve, where mine does, so he's going to come over then. Apparently Sirius has been staying with James and his family since the summer (see above for what I think would be a big reason), but he's not going to be around that night so there are no abandonment worries. And then I've gotten permission to go there for New Year's Eve and spend the night, but only because my parents talked to Mr. and Mrs. Potter and they agreed to watch us like hawks. It's nice to be trusted...

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December 9, 1977

Eric Tyler asked Anne out. I'm going to roll my eyes and brace myself. I wish she could end up with better people.

I think Jane's feeling left out now. I have James and Eric is already starting to be around Anne. I'm sure Jane could have someone if she wanted to, but I'm not sure what to do. I'm better than Anne was at trying to spend time with everyone, but I'm also trying to spend time with all these people now and I can only do so much. Jane keeps saying it's fine, but I don't think it's fine.

Hogsmeade tomorrow. I can't spend the whole time with James because I need to Christmas shop for him, but I'm hoping to be able to grab the girls and have some time together.

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December 11, 1977

TIRED.

James and I agreed to have some separate time, so I spent the morning with the girls. Anne had a similar deal with Eric (good girl) and she left earlier than I did, but still. It was nice to shop with them. I haven't been able to do that since August, I think. I couldn't find anything good for James, but I think I'll try to find something over break. I can't shop for Petunia out here, either. I felt guilty leaving Jane, but she got together with Maggie, Diana and Mary so I don't feel TOO bad.

Let me say this. I don't want to be seen in public heavily snogging James. We're authority figures. I don't want to be an authority figure that gets whistles in the halls. Which would be why we ended up snogging in the cellar of Honeyduke's. I think I'm a trollop.

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December 16, 1977

We leave for break tomorrow. Why do I feel like I'm going to spend the whole time missing James? I shouldn't. I'll see him in a week.

But still, it's a week when I'm not able to kiss him, and he can't walk around with his arm slung over my shoulders. It's a whole week where he's not going to look at me or tell me how beautiful I am or smile or say my name to me. The thought of that just makes me hurt. And that kind of scares me, because I don't know how I feel anymore.

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December 17, 1977

I have missed being home. My parents picked me up and took me out to dinner (Petunia, of course, is nowhere around) and asked me all about everything. I liked being able to say that my grades are as high as they are. I knew I was going to get a lot of questions about James, and I did. They had a lot of questions they didn't ask in letters.

I'm laying in bed, writing before I go to sleep, and it always feels weird being back here. I don't want to say that this hasn't really been home for me since I was eleven, but it's not like it's not true. I love and miss Mum and Dad, but being here isn't the same, especially when I know that as of June I should have something planned out as to what I'm doing.

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December 18, 1977

Oh my God, Mum just gave me the talk. Not The Talk, because I got that when I was eleven and this was much more embarrassing. I got to listen to how I don't have to do anything I don't want to, and just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to shag them. I was bright red and had to keep telling her that I haven't done anything like that and no, James isn't pressuring me to do anything.

The worst part? When she said that bit about just because you love someone, I opened my mouth like I was going to deny it and couldn't see why. I know I shouldn't be missing him like I am. I got an owl from him this morning saying he missed me and I couldn't stop smiling for hours. I don't know.

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December 19, 1977

My sister was switched at birth. It's the only explanation.

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December 20, 1977

Christmas shopping is done! Now I just need to wrap everything.

Petunia wants to bring the walrus for dinner on Christmas Eve. I don't remember the last time I fought with her like that. I'm sure I looked horribly immature, but so what. I'm so tired of dealing with her. She only wants an ally because James and I will be there together.

OOH! I can hex her now! I'm 17! Why didn't I remember this then!

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December 22, 1977

Petunia is a stupid cow.

Maybe I'm being repetitive.

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December 24, 1977

He's coming over today!!!! We've been writing back and forth all week, but today I get to see him! Let Petunia bring her stupid boyfriend. I'm happy.

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December 25, 1977

It's 8 am, James left around 5, and we just finished with presents. I'm already exhausted.

Where to start. There's a lot. All right, James showed up right on time, Apparating right outside the front door. Of course he impressed my parents, because he can do that to people. Dad absolutely pelted him with questions. My personal favorite was when he asked what his intentions were and James said, "That all depends on what Lily wants." They really liked him. Dad questioned him a little hard, but James has good answers to everything. He's from a good family, he's successful in school, he's an athlete, and he's completely into finding ways to stop Voldemort, which makes Mum and Dad feel better. Oh, and James almost laughed when Vernon showed up. I'd told him how he looks like a walrus, and for the whole night James couldn't look at him.

The reason for the walrus' visit? It looks like Petunia actually convinced him to marry her. Mum and Dad were happy, and meanwhile James made faces at me over the table to keep me from rolling my eyes. I suppose I should feel a little bit guilty about throwing that fit about inviting Vernon, but I don't. After dinner Dad asked James about his family, which is pureblood and sounds very nice without being scary like Sirius'. Apparently Petunia didn't tell Vernon about me. I doubt she was ever going to. She tried to talk her way out of it to him, basically said I was mad. I started a huge row and walked out before I started crying.

James came out after me and brought my coat. I started bawling in front of him, which I HATE that I did, but he just let me rant and rave and apologize because Petunia makes me act twelve. I don't think he really knew what to do, so he went for the distraction tactic. We laid on the ground and made snow angels. I am not joking. The bizarre thing is, it worked. How can I let Petunia bother me when I have my boyfriend here, talking me into making snow angels at 10 pm?

Which would be when I slipped and told him I love him. I hadn't been planning on it, and I wasn't even sure until then that I felt that way. He looked shocked so I apologized some more, and he says, "No, it's just that I thought I would have to be the one to say it first."

He loves me. He loves me he loves me he loves me he loves me.

We stayed out there till we realized it was technically morning, and I didn't want him to go. I know Mum'll ask more questions later, but that's fine. Even Petunia can't bother me now.

...later...

I got off pretty easy, actually. No one told me to apologize to Petunia (Good, because I wouldn't have) and Mum just asked what time James left and if we were outside the whole time. She says he's good for me.

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December 27, 1977

I hate that we say we love each other and then don't see each other for a week. I take my Apparition test tomorrow, and if I don't pass, I am flying to James' house, damn it.

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December 28, 1977

I PASSED! I am the smartest witch in the world. No one passes their Apparition test the first try.

Thank God. I'm really not the best on a broom.

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December 30, 1977

I got another talk from Mum. I think she's panicking at the thought of sending me to James' to spend the night. I'd be more concerned about us both being at Hogwarts, but I'm not telling her that. I'm not going to his house to shag him. Sirius'll be there, anyway. As will his parents.

I'm nervous about meeting his parents. James can make anyone love him. I don't know how to do that. I have no idea what to expect. Maybe they'll hate me. Maybe I'll hate them.

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January 1, 1978

I have no idea how to start this. But it never would have happened if people would just stop trying to tell me what to do and what not to do.

Mr. and Mrs. Potter are the best people ever. I wondered if they wouldn't be like the descriptions of the Blacks, but they aren't. They're very normal people who just happen to have money in a vault somewhere. They're incredibly sweet, and Mrs. Potter kept saying how much James talks about me and how sweet I am and how good we look together. Mr. Potter calls James "Jamie" and he turns red and it's very cute. It's also amazing how they treat Sirius like another member of the family. They don't have to do that, but they do. I've noticed that he and James are also a lot nicer and more respectful around them.

We had dinner, talked a lot, and then went to this nearby park where they had a fireworks display at midnight. I did get a kiss at midnight. Afterwards we went back to the house, where James, Sirius and I hung out for a while. (Sirius spent a good long time thanking me for his present. I got him the White Album and I think he about proposed. Ha, he doesn't hate me!) Eventually Sirius went to bed and left me and James alone. I don't know how it started. That's a lie, yes I do. We were snogging and I asked how far exactly he expected this to go. He asked me the same question, and I tried to start a fight over how he always defers this kind of thing to me. He said that he would do anything to keep from messing this up and I yelled at him for that. If we're both going to be in this relationship, I can't be the one always directing it. So he says, "In that case, I can't believe you even had to ask the original question" and asked if I wanted to. And I panicked and said "Not at the moment."

NOT AT THE MOMENT?!?!?!!!!! What the bloody hell is wrong with me?? It's not that I don't want to, because I do and I REALLY wanted to right then. I just had a moment of sheer panic. And given that I'd just yelled at him and then said "Not at the moment", I think it might have been a bit mean. We went back to snogging, though, so he couldn't have been too mad at me. He ended up sleeping with me in the guest room and waking up really early so no one would see him leave. I liked sleeping next to him. It was comfortable and felt good, and I'd like to do it again. He snores, though. Really quite badly. I'll get over that. It's very strange to see him without his glasses. He doesn't look bad without them, he just doesn't look like himself.

Today some of the Potters' family friends were over. Mr. and Mrs. Prewett and their two children, who are so cute they should be illegal. Angela is I think five and a little brat, but Tommy (two) is adorable and he loves me. James is going to be a great dad someday, which I really don't want to think about given that last night was the sex talk that led to him sleeping in my bed.

When I left, which was a little easier knowing that we're going to Apparate into Hogsmeade tonight, I walked into an argument at my house. Mum wanted Petunia to ask me to be her maid of honor, and Petunia was really not loving that idea. She doesn't argue, either, so you know she feels strongly about it. I sat in the kitchen with Dad and he tried to have this long talk with me about how Petunia doesn't hate me. Except I know she does. It did mean something coming from him, though, because I don't think he's ever liked Petunia much. I walked into the middle of the argument and said I didn't need to be in the wedding. It's Petunia's day. If she doesn't want me there, I don't have to be there. It's that simple. I'm not going to be worried or hurt about it.

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January 2, 1977

Back at Hogwarts. James, Sirius and I got here really late last night, and had classes all day. I'm going to go pass out now.

It's 1978 now. I don't know what year it is anymore. I'll be doing this till April.

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January 3, 1978

My friends can be frustrating. REALLY frustrating. Jane was upset with me for not writing her over break, and accused me of obsessing over James rather than caring about my friends. She didn't write me, either! If I was obsessing over anything, it was Petunia and the issues she brings up with me. I told her I love James and that just somehow made it worse. All of a sudden I'm going about this too fast, I've only been with him for two months... I can't help the way I feel. The fact that I keep trying to spend time with Jane and Anne should say that I'm not trying to abandon them, right? I'm TRYING, but I can't seem to make her happy.

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January 6, 1978

Career counseling next week. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO.

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January 7, 1978

I unloaded on James about my future worries. He seems to have it together, which is very unfair of him. He wants to be an Auror. I can't really see it, but then I think of how intense he gets when he talks about the evils of Voldemort. He asked if I was really serious about doing that kind of thing, which I am, and to tell that to McGonagall when I go to see her.

I don't feel right writing about it here. If this book is lost, it could get a lot of people into trouble. All I'll say is that it's probably very dangerous, but I don't know how I can know about it and not get involved. It's just not possible.

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January 9, 1978

I don't know how to fix this with Jane. Especially since she's being cold to me, so I spend more time with James that way.

And James. (Who seems to be having an easier time with his friends than I am with mine.) Since we had that little talk over New Year's, it seems like something's different. It's not a bad something, just a slightly weird something. I might not be quite yet ready for that step, but it's like now we know that it's going to happen eventually.

I don't know that I'm not READY, per se. I think I worry about what it all means exactly for the two of us. That's scarier than anything.

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January 10, 1978

Anne is a really good person to talk to about this whole intimacy situation. I will remember that for the future, because I feel so much better.

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January 11, 1978

I had career counseling. I spoke with McGonagall and told her that I don't know exactly what I want to do, but that I want to do something against Voldemort. I think it was the first time I said his name, too. Writing it is one thing. I wasn't struck down dead. Professor McGonagall said that I could probably do anything I wanted, but that it might be a good idea to look into Ministry careers if I want to make a difference. James says the people who need to know I'm interested know I'm interested now, but I don't know what to expect.

It does feel good to say "I don't know" and have someone tell me "You'll be fine."

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January 12, 1978

Apparently Sirius has memorized the album I bought him. Poor Remus says he won't stop singing it. I can't help but be a little proud.

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January 20, 1978

James is a git. It got back to me in a roundabout way that there was some very cruel prank that he and Sirius played on Severus, which I shouldn't be surprised about anymore, but I am. I know that they push each other's buttons. I know that they don't get along, and there's no hope of getting them to.

I don't expect James to be perfect. I know he's not. However, I can't help but think that he SHOULD be. When he's with me, he's a gentleman, and I know he loves me and he always treats me well. There's another side to him, though. It used to be the only side I ever saw of him and I forgot it was there. He tried to say that Severus started it, which is a lie. Severus NEVER starts it. He retaliates quickly and can escalate it, yes, but it's James and it's Sirius at fault. And the fact that James would lie to me about something like that! BIG fight. Big.

And I want to go to Jane, who is barely talking to me.

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January 21, 1978

I said it before, James isn't perfect. Neither am I. I'm bitchy, I can be controlling, I'm completely confused, I have a ridiculous temper, and my sister can prod me into acting like a child in seconds flat. These are not good qualities.

I think I just got so used to seeing nothing but James' good side. I got past all that anger at him before, and here it is again, like we're fifteen.

...later...

It's not like I love him any less. I'm able to be mad at him.

...later...

I'm being stupid about this.

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January 22, 1978

James apologized first this time. He caught up with me in the common room this morning and said, "I refuse to have this big a fight over Snivellus" and we worked it out. I don't want to hear about him doing that kind of thing. It's mean, and awful, and besides that, it's horribly immature. He's done a lot of growing up and I would hate to see him regress.

I kind of hate that he can smile at me and everything's okay.