March 22, 1978

I just had a long talk with Jane that I really wish I hadn't. She thinks I'm not really there anymore, and that it's different from when Anne was with Paul, like she's losing me for good. To listen to Anne and Diana, I'm talking about James less to them unless something big happens. I don't want to bury them in talk about him, but Jane takes that as a sign that I'm moving away.

Maybe it's true. I haven't been spending as much time with her as I have with James and his crowd. But my friends never managed to make room for James like his friends did for me. Add in some of the things I've discovered about them, and I can't go telling that to people. There is a lot of personal, private stuff there, and maybe I do feel more comfortable keeping to them because of it.

But NONE of this means I don't love my friends. They're been there for me, and I've done nothing but try not to cut them out. I don't know what else to do about this.

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March 23, 1978

One of the Hufflepuff boys has managed to charm a paper airplane to fly around the room and the whole class is really entranced by it. Yes, I am in History of Magic.

I went to see Remus this morning, because now that I know, I feel I should. Peter kept warning me not to ask him how he's feeling because he hates hearing that. Of course the first thing I asked was how he was feeling. He wasn't upset about it and in fact he smiled. He looked all right, and so did everyone else. And yes, I did check James over for injuries. At least that was my excuse.

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March 25, 1978

I'm going home next weekend for all the fun wedding preparations. I just caught myself rolling my eyes even just writing it.

Jane and I are getting on all right. I just feel sad about it all. How do I fix it?

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March 27, 1978

Apparently Sirius FINALLY talked to Diana, and whatever he said has got her in a huff. I'm teaching that boy some TACT.

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March 31, 1978

I couldn't be more glad that I'm going home after classes today. I've been warned of all the things to stay away from tomorrow. I've told James not to do whatever it is because he's Head Boy and JUST PLEASE DON'T, but he's not going to listen. He can't claim responsibility and I think it's killing him. Since this is our last year, he's decided the Marauders need to go out with a bang. Worse yet, Sirius' birthday is the seventh, so they've decided to make the celebration last the whole week.

I'm going to Hogsmeade after classes and then will Apparate home. I don't want to...

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April 1, 1978

Hello, I'm Professor Evans, and I'm your new Divination teacher.

There is no one word to describe the hideousness of the dresses Petunia has picked for her bridesmaids. First, they're pink. This horrible sugary pink. Petunia hates pink. I really think she only did it so I would look horrible in it. (Red hair, green eyes, pink dress. No.) And they're floral. With bows on semi-puffy sleeves that I don't think are actually supposed to be puffy. There's no shape to them, either, so they just kind of hang there. If you have no hips like me, it makes you look freakishly like you're built like a too-tall 12-year-old boy. If you have far too much hip, like Marge, it makes you look three times your actual size, which, let's face it, is considerable to begin with. This kind of thing was not meant to be done to fabric!

Wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding. Yes. I'm tired of it. Please stop.

...later...

Jealous! She thinks I'M jealous of HER! Ha. She's gone mad. Completely mad. She was headed there before and now she's been driven over the edge. I don't understand why Mum and Dad won't put her away, since she's clearly suffering.

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April 3, 1978

James laughed when I told him about the dresses. I promise, when I get married, I'm going simple. The dresses with be this certain shade of blue because all of my friends manage to look good in it. They'll be simple. I don't want my friends to look through photos years from now and wonder if I hate them.

Also, the dungeons have been filled with some kind of gas that makes people speak in Pig Latin. All the animals in Trans. class have been dressed. (Yes. In outfits. Ensembles, really. I don't know which of the boys I should be wondering about.) The Slytherins' lunch kept running away from them. And I've missed two days of the prank-fest. Boys are odd. These boys are odder.

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April 4, 1978

I've been taken over by this wedding because that is ALL I hear from Mum. James is starting to look at me funny. I'm sure I'm scaring him with all this wedding talk.

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April 8, 1978

Oh, Sirius is guaranteed not to remember last night. Which is a shame, because it was a fantastic party. Every hour on the hour, there was a nineteen-firework salute (one to grow on). They must have cleaned Zonko's out, and I'm amazed they had anything left after the havoc they caused all this week! McGonagall showed up around three in the morning and threatened us all with expulsion if we didn't go to bed.

Sirius also started addressing James as the Head Girl. I wonder if it's possible to only remember certain things when you're pissed.

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April 10, 1978

I have learned a lesson. I must never be left alone with James in his dormitory. I can't be trusted, and he CERTAINLY can't. Poor Peter almost walked in on something scarring.

Sometimes I wonder why nothing like that has happened since New Year's, but it's not that nothing like that has happened. I know James is waiting on me, but I swear, FIVE MINUTES. We were left alone for five minutes! This is why my mum worries about me.

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April 12, 1978

Classes are awful. NEWTs are bloody stupid. Jane and I are all right. Anne and I are talking a lot more. James is at Quidditch practice a lot. I've gone to one or two of his practices, but I find those more boring than the games. Still, he looks good doing it.

I have also learned never again to tell Anne that I'm almost jealous of James' broom. She laughed for far too long.

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April 13, 1978

One month till the wedding.

I asked James if he ever thought about that sort of thing. Getting married. I think he said he "wouldn't be opposed to it," but he was smiling when he said it. I think I'm getting soppy if that put me in a good mood all day.

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April 15, 1978

I forced James to listen to Abbey Road. It's more his style of music, I figure the later music will appeal to him. He declared it "fine." I swear I almost broke up with him.

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April 17, 1978

My hell will be NEWT preparations. Evelyn Thomas broke down in tears today at the mere mention of them. I think I've started gritting my teeth.

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April 21, 1978

I don't want to put details in here. That seems personal, even if I am the only one who's going to read it.

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April 22, 1978

I wonder if I look or seem different. I don't feel any different really, but I do feel a little weird, like I just dreamed it all. Anne wanted details I wouldn't give. It's between James and me.

And Sirius seems a little peeved at James, to be honest. The only reason we had the dorm to ourselves was because last night was the full moon. I was up there with them (Sirius and I threatened to run away together if James didn't instantly fall in love with Rubber Soul.) When it came time for them to leave, it was very clear that James didn't want to. There was this horribly uncomfortable moment, and then Remus told him not to worry about it. So James stayed, and I stayed. But I think this means he broke a cardinal rule by choosing me over his friends this once.

...later...

I still can't believe we did that.

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April 23, 1978

I think I thought that it wouldn't be a big deal. This makes no sense because I made it a big deal in January. I don't think I really believed that sex changes a relationship, but it does. I think it's a good thing, but I'm not positive. I know I want to do it again. I also feel like something happened and now it's all scary, like this is suddenly an Adult Relationship. I don't know if it's possible to feel MORE than I did, but this is what's happening.

I know I'd like to be able to stop touching him for five seconds. I could maybe go a full minute.

...later...

There needs to be more privacy in this school. It's like they don't trust us or something.

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April 24, 1978

I didn't know it's better the second time! No one told me that! Why did no one ever tell me that!

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April 30, 1978

I've calmed down, really.

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May 1, 1978

It's May. How is it May??? Two weeks until Petunia's wedding (I really do like "unholy union" better). Less than TWO MONTHS until the end of the school year, graduation and no more Hogwarts.

When did this happen?

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May 3, 1978

A second year's family was killed by Death Eaters last night. Attacks have been happening on and off for months, but my God. This just... She's a Muggle-born girl, a tiny little blonde in Ravenclaw, and she lives in the next town over from me. Why was her family attacked and not mine? Why did Voldemort send people after them? Did they do something to deserve it? Does it matter if they did? No one DESERVES this kind of thing.

It doesn't make any sense. It's all stupid. There's NO REASON for this kind of thing to be happening. These poor people didn't DO anything. This girl didn't ask to be a witch. Her family didn't ask for her to be a witch. They can't help that she has this. No one could help it. How is it anyone's FAULT? Why does anyone deserve PUNISHMENT over something they don't deserve to be punished for and have NO CONTROL over??? If you're not a witch or a wizard you're worthless, and if you are but your parents aren't, you deserve pain and suffering??

I wonder how it happened. Was it an Unforgivable curse? Was it something worse? Were they tortured? I hear Death Eaters torture people sometimes. Why was it them? Did they do something to Voldemort? Or does he just pick randomly? If he picks randomly, why didn't he pick another site in the next town? Does he know about me? My family? Does he care? Should I worry?

It's all stupid, and it's a bad dream, and it's not happening. I wonder what's going to happen to the girl.

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May 4, 1978

In case it didn't come across in my writing yesterday (which I can read most of now), I was a bit upset. And I went to Dumbledore. Only this time I didn't ask questions and I didn't ask for reassurances that it would all be all right. I told him I know what's going on, that I know he can get me into it, and I want in. I'm not sitting by and watching this happen if I don't have to. I'm of legal age, I'll be out of school in a month and a half. Sign me up.

And he did.

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May 5, 1978

I feel better. I feel like I'm doing something. I can't do anything from here, but that's all right for now. It'll be done soon enough. I'm almost anxious to leave school and start doing what has to be done. Voldemort has to be defeated, and I'm going to be one of the people that helps to do it.

I won't stay at home. I don't see how I can. If Voldemort is going after the families of Muggle-born witches and wizards, I won't be there. Maybe they'll be safer with me out of school and out of the house. I hope so. I don't know what else I can do to protect them. They shouldn't have to go into hiding. No one should HAVE to but I don't know how anyone can make them do that. I don't think they would. I wonder if Dumbledore would have something to do with it.

I'm not sure where I'll go when I leave home. I'll find something. Dumbledore is confident I can find a job inside the Ministry, so maybe I can move to London. I have no idea how I will do that, but I can do it. Maybe someplace cheaper outside of London. I don't want to take chances, not on this. The sooner I can do this all, the better.

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May 6, 1978

All right, now I'm panicking. What am I doing.

...later...

I'm being stupid. No, really, WHAT DID I DO?

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May 7, 1978

It's the right thing. I know it is. There is no other right thing.

I was up half the night last night because I acted without thinking, but I'm doing the right thing. Voldemort will probably go after those who oppose him, and I myself might be a target. Actually, I'm sure of it, because I can't put half of myself into anything. I'll MAKE myself a thorn in his side. I can't say it isn't stupidity. I'm not sure it's courage. I just know what I have to do and I'll do it without question. If everyone stands by and does nothing because they're scared, all they'll accomplish is becoming more scared. Nothing's going to change if no one does anything to change it. Voldemort will gain more and more power, and then where will we be?

I'm scared. I can't believe I'm doing what I'm doing. I can't believe how scared I am right now. My hands are shaking just thinking about it. It doesn't change anything. If I don't do anything, then what happens? I watch as more people get killed, and then I go about my life, and eventually, it will directly affect my life. I won't do that. My family could be at risk. Diana's half-blood. Remus is half-blood. Mary's Muggle-born. There's no point in standing idly by until they kill someone I know.

That's a scary thought. (Another one.) By signing up for this, I know it might end badly for me, but I'm probably going to know people who are going to die, won't I? He's going to kill people that I know, and people that I haven't met yet.

I'm not crying over this. Nothing has happened yet. I'm not even going to think about the fact that James is the one who introduced me to this.

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May 8, 1978

Talking to James was something I really needed to do. I got into bed with him at three in the morning and told him what I did. Yes, I waited to tell him. I don't know why I expected him to get upset. He was definitely worried for me, but I'm worried for him, too. Neither of us is going to tell the other not to do it. I think there was always a question of whether or not I would join up with the Order, but James hasn't been quiet about his feelings regarding Voldemort. I don't think even Dumbledore could stop him. I can imagine James being the one to end it all.

I need to stop having scary thoughts.