May 10, 1978

Sirius has dubbed me the fifth roommate because I've slept there three nights in a row, even with James' snoring. I don't know why, but sleeping in that bed just makes me feel better. Even if I did wake up this morning with his arm slung over my face.

He surprised me. He asked if I'd put more thought into where I'm going to go when I leave home. I've put a lot of thought into it, but I haven't come up with any solutions. I don't want to say it isn't financially possible, but it really isn't. Then he says that Sirius will be getting his own place, and in that case, James can't still be living at home with his parents, and did I want to maybe share a flat.

I must have stared at him for an hour, just in shock. It hadn't occurred to me as an option, but it could work. I knew what he was saying but I said we could split the rent, but he insisted that this wouldn't be a flatmate arrangement. The money would be Ours, not split into His and Mine. After another hour of staring, I decided Dad would murder him and bury his body in the yard. Aside from that, though, I want to. It's a big step, but I think we're ready for it.

I'm excited about this. I'm moving in with James.

-----

May 11, 1978

Jane has said I'm mad, but I think she's actually happy for me. She has made a couple comments about how young we are, but life is short and James and I have agreed to be a part of something that could make it even shorter. What's the point in taking things slowly when you have no idea what will happen? If I got hit by the Knight Bus tomorrow, I would miss out on a lot, but what if I didn't take the chances I did to experience what I already had? That doesn't make sense, does it? I'm sure about this. James is sure. That's all that really matters.

I told James I was going to shave my head before the wedding. I'm kind of sorry I horrified him like I did.

-----

May 12, 1978

I got out of classes today to come home. Everything has gone positively INSANE. I don't think I've ever seen Petunia like this and I hope I never do again. My mum keeps crying and Dad looks as if he's contemplating running away from home.

My dress looks pinker than before.

I wonder if they know everything just by looking at me.

...later...

There are a lot of things I need to tell them.

1. Voldemort.
2. I'm going to fight Voldemort.
3. I'm moving in with James.

None of these seem like good ideas today.

...later...

I don't think I need to tell them about 1 and 2. Dumbledore told them about Voldemort and what he was doing. They're aware. I would rather not have to have that conversation. On the same page, I don't know that I want them to know what I'm doing. It's not smart to give them all that information. Veritaserum can be used on Muggles, too. Or worse yet, a certain curse. Besides, I don't want them to see me like that. I don't want them to worry. If I could be their little girl forever, I would (#3 says ha) but I can just make this as easy as possible on them. They don't need to know. So I won't tell them.

-----

May 14, 1978

The wedding itself wasn't too bad, I have to admit. There was nothing spectacular about it, but it was simple and pleasant. Petunia actually looked quite lovely. Lovelier, I suppose in contrast to the pink monstrosities. James arrived just before the reception and said I looked beautiful with a straight face. We stayed for an hour or two, where I learned that he is an abysmal dancer, and then we escaped to my house just to talk. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels like everything is happening in a rush, but that it isn't a bad thing. We talked about what our wedding would be like if we have one. Well, I did most of the talking. I asked him to get involved in the conversation and he said he would be happy to elope, and that if it was just him and me it would be fine. I love James. He didn't have permission to be out of school on Sunday, so he left at 11:58 and I went back to what was left of the reception (the cleanup). Mum said she was surprised I didn't try to catch the bouquet.

That was when I told her and Dad that James and I are moving in together. That was difficult. It was like admitting to more of my relationship with James than I want them to know. Mum immediately went into a little bit of a state. Dad didn't take it as badly as I thought he would. He said that he liked whatever makes me happy, and James makes me happy. I love my dad.

I'll be leaving later tonight, but I'll spend today with my parents. I'm already starting to miss them.

-----

May 15, 1978

Maybe I'm the tiniest bit jealous of Petunia, but not for reasons such as being Petunia. Sometimes I want to push myself forward five years into the future, where I might very well have a husband and a child or two. I do want that. Maybe I'm surprised she actually is getting it before me. I've never been competitive with her, but this time it doesn't seem fair.

And by starting what I am, what do I do to that dream? Am I going to be able to do any of it? Is it irresponsible if I do?

-----

May 17, 1978

In two weeks: NEWTs
In three weeks: Graduation
In four weeks: James' eighteenth birthday. He's upset about the timing.

At least the wedding's through.

-----

May 20, 1978

I don't know how I feel about anything anymore. On one hand, I know what I'm doing after school. On the other, I'm in school, I'm seventeen, and I have tests to worry about. Those two things don't mesh very well. It's difficult to be concerned about my Trans. grade when families are being murdered. And yet I need to be concerned about the little things because they're even more relevant now.

Sirius' take on it is this: We're still in school, still a world apart from all the bad, so we might as well enjoy what time we have. That may be the wisest thing he has ever said.

-----

May 26, 1978

I find it strange that I know what I'm doing and so many people don't. Remus knows he's in for a fight finding a job, Peter doesn't know what he wants to do and neither does Anne... I think everyone expects me to have it together, but I don't expect me to have it all together and it shocks me that I do.

I wish NEWTs were over with so I could just submit my grades and apply for those Ministry jobs. I'm sure I about qualify for secretarial positions and that's all, but I'd like to DO something to help. Bring down the Werewolf Registry from the inside, maybe. (Talk to Remus for five minutes right now and that gets to sound really tempting.) I know James is dying to apply for Auror training, and I hope he makes it. I think it's three years of training and then you still might not qualify. I think James could do it, though.

-----

May 27, 1978

We have Hogsmeade weekend today, and then we're allowed to come back after finals/NEWTs graduation weekend. It's starting to occur to me how everything is getting to be the last time. Next week is the last Quidditch game. It'll be the last full week of classes before NEWTs. Then we're gone on the last Hogwarts Express home. Should this already make me sad?

-----

May 29, 1978

Sirius cornered me in the library today to ask exactly how serious I am about James. I don't know why that needs to be asked. I am going be living with him. I wouldn't have agreed to it if I was planning on breaking up with him. Apparently James is VERY SERIOUS about me and if I'm not about him, just back out now. I will never again try to have a conversation about "how serious is VERY SERIOUS?" with someone named Sirius. When I got frustrated and slapped him in the head he said that we had officially become a slapstick comedy act. He refused to explain himself, the prat.

So I killed him and dumped his body in the lake. No one will be the wiser.

...later...

It's 2 am and I'm thinking. I hate Sirius.

-----

May 30, 1978

Stupid Sirius. I keep trying to figure out exactly what VERY SERIOUS means. If James and I are moving in together, I can see what the next step would be, but he can't be thinking about that now, could he?

I'm going to have to torture Sirius until he tells me. I will take his Beatles albums away. Oh, yes, I can be that cruel.

-----

May 31, 1978

I'm not worrying about it anymore. Whatever happens will happen.

I've realized how much I'm going to miss some of my classes and teachers. I know I'll probably see Dumbledore and McGonagall around somehow, but I could have cried when I walked out of Charms today.

Only a couple of weeks until I'm out in the real world. The big, utterly terrifying for a reason real world.

-----

June 1, 1978

Sometimes there's no rhyme or reason to him. I can try to figure out why he would do this thing or that, but there's no clear answer. There never is. And after a while he has that effect on other people. He'll bring up an idea, and you know from the very start that it's a BAD IDEA. But you listen to him and he's so involved in what he's saying that you find yourself along for the ride, mostly out of morbid curiosity. You listen to him for long enough and you start to believe him. He doesn't see things as impossible, and because of that, I don't think impossible exists for him. He really thinks he can do anything, and because of that, he does. How can I not love a person like that?

-----

June 2, 1978

Amazing things happen when you realize how little time is left in the year. Anne and Jane began what to have what should have been a truly spectacular fight over something so trivial (which is what we as a group do). They both looked at each other, shrugged, and let it by, passing it off as NEWT stress.

I hate NEWTS. This is not a trivial passing comment, like "I hate asparagus," but real, true, vile hatred for these exams.

I know I'll probably talk to Anne after leaving, but given the last in-depth talk I had with Jane, I'm not sure about her. I want to find some way. Maybe it will be easier when we're not sharing the same space. I'll be living with James, so it's fine for me to get away every now and then to spend time with others without feeling like I'm slighting this person or that one.

-----

June 3, 1978

Quidditch has been won. Considering how many points we lost this year (I look to Sirius), we might not win the House Cup, but the Tower is in a celebrating mood. McGonagall looked so happy, I thought she was going to hug the Seeker.

And then tomorrow, the panic begins.

-----

June 4, 1978

I'm too stupid for NEWTs! NEWTs are stupid! Everything is STUPID!

-----

June 5, 1978

It's break. I just finished my Potions NEWT. I could have done better.

I feel bad. I've been very snippy to James but he's been snippy back. Though I doubt he's in danger of failing any of those, what with his enormous brain.

-----

June 6, 1978

I have yet to see Sirius pick up a book and I kind of want to kill him for it.

...later...

Remus agreed with me. We're plotting against him now. We've decided hitting him over the head with a textbook should knock him out, but we're a bit strained in coming up with ideas on how to steal information from his brain. (I love Remus.)

-----

June 8, 1978

Jane woke us all up in the middle of the night after having a nightmare that she failed all of her NEWTs. We all hugged her because we KNOW.

-----

June 10, 1978

It's Saturday and I am taking a break from studying. Information is practically leaking out of my ears, and it's all the things I need to know. Why I can't I lose something like gross motor functions?

-----

June 12, 1978

This week is going by so fast. I want it over because NEWTs are demonic, but I'm losing precious time with people. I'm not spending nearly enough time with James, Jane or Anne, and it's hard to fix that right now.

I hate ripping my hair out over these tests, but I need them. I wish I'd paid more attention in History of Magic. I know I didn't do almost any of the work, but I feel I have to do good on the exam. I know that makes no sense.

-----

June 16, 1978

THEY'RE OVER!!!!!!!!!

...later....

James and I have worked out an arrangement. Tonight we're staying the Tower for the "we survived NEWTs party" in Gryffindor Tower. Tomorrow we'll go to Hogsmeade for a proper date, and then in the evening we'll split up. I've been invited to a girls' night (myself, Jane, Anne, Diana, Mary and Maggie, as far as I can tell) and I know James will want to spend his last night here with his friends. He won't say that to me, but I know.

Two more nights in this castle. I can't believe we're not going to come back here. At least until our children are old enough to get into real trouble and we're called in for a meeting with the headmaster. I've spent seven years here, and then I just leave. I never understood how anyone would miss a place before, but I will. I was asked out for the first time in that hallway (Michael Roberts, fifth year). I met Jane right in the entrance to the Great Hall. I got my first kiss on the grounds (Alan Davis, second year on a dare). I got into my first fight in the Charms classroom (Lucy Chang, who hit me first). Then there's everything with James. Maybe a building doesn't have any impact on your relationships, but the memories are all built up into it.

I think I'll have just enough room in this diary to get me home.

-----

June 17, 1978

I was up half the night with the girls, where every sentence began with "Remember when...?" We were talking about things I had even forgotten. I was hoping no one would remember that it took four flying lessons before I would even think about getting on a broom. These girls remember a lot of embarrassing things about me. Luckily for me, I write all theirs down. Ha.

I hate that I'm being so sentimental, but I'm going to miss everything. The classes, most of the teachers, a lot of the students. Then there are the holidays here, and I'll never see another sorting or school Quidditch match. (Actually, James refuses to believe that our kids wouldn't be star Quidditch players, so I can't miss that just yet.) There's just SO much.

I'm ready to move on, though. I will go home until James and I find our own flat, and it won't be too bad, staying in a Petunia-free house until then. And then I'll live with my wonderful boyfriend. I should have no trouble getting a nice entry-level Ministry job, especially since Dumbledore, McGonagall and Flitwick have all written me recommendation letters. Then I will be doing other work, doing something really valuable with my time and energy. I'm ready to be an adult, I'm just allowed to miss being a kid.

I talk too much.

...later...

I had a great day, wandering around with James, and then the girls and I got together at the Three Broomsticks. Emily Zabini tagged along, and now I wish I'd gotten to know her while I was here. I know I'll see Jane and Anne after tomorrow, but I don't know about everyone else. I can fly (as a last resort). I can Apparate. Letters can be sent.

I have yet to see the boys. They weren't at the Three Broomsticks, which means 1) they went to the Hog's Head, and 2) they'll be nicely hung over in time for graduation. None of this shocks me.

-----

June 18, 1978

I leave today (and with less than a page left). All my things are packed up, which is no different than any other year except that I won't be back here in September. Someone else will have my bed and be sitting at the desks I sat in, and there will be a new Head Boy and Girl. I don't know, maybe work will bring me here sometime.

I wish I really was gifted at Divination.

It's time to pack this up, I think. I'll survive until the train ride home. I've never actually ridden the train with James before.

...later...

Oh my God. He proposed.

I need more paper!!!!!!!